Is my fiance and I a thing of the past? is there a future? Someone tell my heart.

[Blurreddiaryentry]

Ok, I have a story that has alot of twists and turns, but it does fit the suit of a standard break-up/reconcilliation, I need your advice whoever your kind soul may be...because I honestly do not know what to do at the point I am at....so here begins the story.

 

My fiance and I broke up after being together for 2 years. I am twenty two years old, I have graduated high school but have not done anything since. I went the wrong way on future's path and choose a life of ill made decisions of a self destructiong nature, in short drug use...nothing severe mind you but none the less it is a destructive way to go through life. Anyways...My ex-fiance was the light at the end of my tunnel, she inspired me to change my ways and I honestly wanted to be more like her...I being a smoker, loved her because she was not...eventually for her I quit smoking. I admired her drive and passion to educated herself furthur, she went to college out of high school...so in turn I decided that I should join the airforce. Let me make this very clear, to me this woman was a muse for my life...I love her with all of my very being. She is 18, almost nineteen years old and I am twenty-two yrs old. Now that you have a brief summary of my life let me give you a tase of hers. Her father is a Col. in the marine corps and he wasn't the ideal father. He was a severe alcoholic...and used to abuse her mother sometimes infront of her when she was 7-8 years old. eventually it ended up in divorce and her mother runnng away and hiding with the kids until the courts did there thing, and the kids no longer had to endure that.

 

Now...my fiance since she was very young had to basically help raise her 2 younger siblings while he mother worked long hours in a hospital, so from the age of 8 until 18 she was almost a primary caretaker of her two younger siblings, and in turn her mother and step-father were strict on what she could do, who she could date, what she did in school...all in all she spent most of her life with someone to answer to. This is all important information to understand my problem now...so please bear with me, because I do need help...

 

So breif summary of our relationship is, she had a crush on me since we began working together 1 and a half year previous to us dating. While she was with her first serious boyfriend (which only lasted one month) she continued to flirt with me, and I could always tell there we was a connection...but at that time age was a hugh factor so I put it out of my mind, important fact being her longest relationship before me was a one month hiatus. So when we got together almost 2 years later we immediately fell for eachother and while I was away working in new orleans for katrina relief we talked on the phone anytime we could sometimes all night long until she had classes to go to the next day, to say the very least she and I could talk about anything. So as the months went by everyday seemed a perfect fit for one another and time seemed to fly by...

 

---The problems----

Well to begin, I had really not ambitions before I met her, my best bet for a lucrative future was to become some poker star and eventually hit the big time and be set for life...unfortunately I held crap jobs that bearly paid my rent. I had lived on my own since I was 16 years old and was doing well for what I had available until I started getting inhiertance money and began to get lazier and lazier until it got to the point in which I stopped working...I stopped working for a whole year..and towards the end of that year she went off to her first year of college. Things went well until the last month in which, having so much free time and I guess what is best explained as insecurity due to my own guilt of feeling worthless and accomplishing nothing I started needing her attention more and began to worry about stupid nothings and giving her a hard time for what I know now was no reason at all. this woman has neverl lied to me, has never cheated...she a big flirt, but I'm almost positive thats where it would always stay...flirting with others. So one day I was looking for reassurance from her and I began to push to hard until finally she snapped and said thats it, We're over.. her reasons being she couldn't take the stress of a relationship at this moment. Her grades were slipping also..keep that in mind.

 

So at the begginning of this seperation she told me that she feels things would be better if I just went and got a job, or after I left for the airforce. she told me she could almost promise me that we would get back together before I left for the air force but she wants me to get a job first, and give her space also until I do have a job. So like all heartbroken guys I texted and called her giving her the pity party thing for I would say the first 4 days and eventually it got to the point in which every time I talked to her she said I was stessing her out. she said I was being too clingy and I needed to realize (even though she said she could almost promise me we would be together before I left for the airforce, provided I tried to work too) we were not together anymore. So I responded by not talking to her at all for the next day, or on the following day. but then, after she went back to her dorm (which btw, is 70 miles north from me) I got an message on a website that said this...

 

Blurred,

 

We have been through a lot together and I have started to realize that it is possible to love someone and yet they aren’t the one for you. I love you Patrick I really do but I now understand my heart and I can not get back with you. It is going to crush us both but I have to do this for me. It may seem selfish but I refuse to be with someone who I feel has the power over me to bring me down and make me change my future plans. Its hard but it is what it is and I can’t be with you. It should have never taken you this long to become motivated and I hope this will open your eyes to everything and I hope you find someone who makes you happy and you make them happy. At the beginning of this break up, I really felt like we would be together but it is not going to happen. I’m sorry for all the pain that I have caused you but I wish you can see that deep in your heart we weren’t meant to be. We can’t start from square one again and there is no way I could ever walk down the aisle and say I do with you standing beside me. I feel that we aren’t meant to be and I hope you realize that this is just as hard on me. When I broke up with you I thought you would change and I do see how you are starting to but I also see that there are qualities about you that I can’t deal with (you have ways of controlling me, what seems to me as lack of motivation, etc.) and frankly I need someone who can stand by my side and be my equal. And I see that you are trying to be that person, but you aren’t the person for me and I hope that you can see that. I will not let you try and become someone you are not just to stay with me. I want you to have a wonderful life and future without me. You are an awesome guy and I hope that through it all we can still be friends.

~Diary owner

 

So..my last response to her, which was my only for the last 3 weeks was...

 

Diary Owner,

 

I want you to know I'm not asking for anything in this letter, I just want you to feel better knowing i'm not mad at you, nor do I think your being selfish.

 

I understand now what you mean by controlling you, and not seeing you as an equal. and I want to clarify something. if anything is unequal it's me to you. By that i mean your more mature than I am at the moment, I still have things I do need to learn, and because of you now I see what I have done. I am very sorry tori, you do deserve someone who can treat you better than I did. My jealousy was completely unfounded and to be perfectly honest I was an idiot. You are truly special victoria and I mean that with all my heart. But please know this I would never want to keep you from being the best you can be.I took pride in the fact that my fiance was going to college to be a educated self sufficient woman. I love your passion and drive for your future, and I admired it so much it inspired me to the best I could be. Honey, I understand you want your freedom, and no one has earned it more. You've raised your siblings, you've survived a struggling childhood, you have had to be strong and independant at such an early age, and the moment you finally are free to take care of just yourself, who am I to expect you to take care of me. I put my own mistakes on you and expected you to fix them ontop of all your stresses, to me nothing is more selfish than that. I see now what I have done wrong and one day I hope to have your forgiveness. You are doing what is right for you, and as much as I don't want to admit it, it's true. I know in my soul victoria, that you are a good person at heart...and keeping that in mind it helped me realize more and more how you truly felt, and what you couldn't explain. at first I was angry because I didn't understand how you could be so cold, but after thinking about it you were just saving us more heartache and I guess for that I should say thank you. Don't let the stresses of this world get you victoria, because I believe that you have the potential to be anything you want to be. I'm sorry for all the ways I have wronged you babe, and I'm sorry that our love was tarnished because of my immaturity and selfishness. I wish I could go back in time and just remeber why I fell in love with you to begin with...Because I have never been able to trust someone as much as you. I don't know when I lost sight of that but I do know it was never your fault. I in my heart still do believe that we do belong together, but then again you didn't hurt me the way I hurt you...by that I mean, You only tried to love me the best you could...and even though I loved you back with all my heart, I forgot to show you how truly important, and appreciated you were. Honey I know now how much you truly love me, or did love me, and I can think of nothing worse than Loving someone who doesn't either believe it or appreciate it. But now that I know what I've done wrong, I am going to learn my lesson. One day I hope that I grow to be a better man than what I am today, and as I grow I will always think of you. I wish things didn't go as bad as they did honey, but I can't change that now...all I can do is try to learn from my mistakes and better myself. But I understand now why you said the things you did. I do feel that I would be able to love you as you deserve, because I do respect, love, appreciate, and admire everything that you are about. I just needed to hear how you felt, and I needed the time to see it. Nothing in this life is certain, and I know I could have lost you forever...but there will always be a place for you in my heart. I beg you please, don't remeber me as I was in the end of the relationship, please remeber me when I made you smile. I would be the luckiest man in the world, if you would just keep me in your thoughts, always remeber I will be here for you always. but most important of all allow me the chance to change not for you, but because of you. Maybe then my dream of walking you down the aisle can atleast be possible. Because even though we aren't together I did as you asked, I looked deep into my heart, and thought about it alot. and I do feel that I have been put on this earth to love you. But i need to take care of myself first.

 

- Love always

Blurreddiaryentry

 

 

Ok...the story is near the end so hang in there please!!! anyways. the day I sent that message she sent me a text message out of the blue asking me how my job was going...a job that I thought I was going to have but due to a long interview process, I wasn't working yet, and after I told her that she seemed to shut down on me and hasn't talked to me since. now you should know before this break-up happened I lied about having a job to appease her...this is the first time I lied to her btw...anyways I lied and admitted to her about my lie, so I guess she thought I was lying to get her back which isn't the case...

 

So here's my question...she says she still loves me...and I honestly can't imagine my life without her...but she won't talk to me about us, she has gone to the monotone and short answers. I'm working now and leave for the airforce on the 2nd of janurary...what should I do from here? Do I have to give up the idea of us...or has she already?...I really need your advice...so please...whoever you are...help me.

 

- BlurredDiaryEntry

 

"My pen hand has grown tired pouring out my soul, and the emtional fatigue rains tears unto my words, and thus I am..."

[Blurreddiaryentry]

I am looking for anyone who has been near here or has a educated guess...more so I'm looking for some validation in not speaking with her...do i need to open communication more before I leave? I know she broke it off with me...so should I wait for her move or what?... It's so tough doing this alone..

[kitkat289]

I read the entire page and I understand that she had a great impact on you and that you are working on yourself for better.What I understand is that she's an intelligent girl and loves you a lot and for that she is doing a lot of hard work.Well it takes a lot to finally decide to break-up but she did because she sincerely wants to see changes in your life and somwhere at the bottom of her heart, she wants you back as a better person.By 'better' I mean to say someone who can be sensitive to what others are going through and who feels responsible.Well you know more and I see that you have realised all the things already.I dont have much to say but there;s one important thing dear that you would hate to tell yourself.You know nobody is perfect in the world and there are people like you and me who have more of those so-called 'negative' qualities which affect our career and more importantly our lives.There was a time when my ex used to point out those negative things in me and blame them for our break-up.He is studying in one of the world's topmost instt and always thinks of higher and higher aims while Iam a very forgetful,laid-back and damn careless person.There are very few people of my kinda category I bet a nd that's why there hve been occasions when he got freaked out.All this just made me shattered and I started feeling so sick of myself.I changed my habbits and I began reading newspapers just to enhance my intellect thing.His words were "we are not on the same intellectual planes...."

But that didnt happen for long and I was back on square one,the same old lazy me.But you know what, the problem wouldnt get solved even if you showed them that you changed.Its the 'image' that has been built up and there are ot her things which we cannot figure out.

 

So after all these months I only learnt that if I have to change certain ways of doing things then I will do it but that would be for myself and not for anybody else.I know you will be a better person and be more satisfied in future but never make your ex as the target.And I know it feels really bad since sometimes we feel that we lost him/her just because we didnt have this thing in us and also we fear what if the net person in our life thinks the same way.It takes a toll on one's self-esteem,its almost lost due to the loss of such a special person in your life.But begin seeing yourself as a level-headed,thoughtful and responsible person and then this is how the world will see you!

All the best:)

[Blurreddiaryentry]

hey kit kat, thanks for your reply, by reading what you've said I think you can appreciate the situation...can i get you thoughts on what I should do to approach the situation...i'm feeling more and more that shes trying to move on...but here's the tricky thing wouldn't she talk to me to make her seem like the good girl in wanting to be friends? you see I can't see her on a regular basis nor really call her at the moment so I text...so I will wait like two days and occasionally ask her how school is going, or see if she's doing ok...and I always get one response. Ok. So...my question is what is expected of me at this point if in my heart I know I love her deeply and to be honest I feel like i cheated her and myself by not showing her how appreciated she was and still is. i dunno...i hate break-ups i suck at em...

[alwayshurt]

Yes, she is definetely a smart and mature girl considering her age.

If she has decided to move on you won't change her mind and the more you push the more your are pushing her further away.

 

My advice to you is to leave her alone. Let her be. Your letter to her was very profund and you said and committed to certain things. Just follow up and work on yourself.

I don't think she will take you back at the moment and the proof is that you have been texting her and she has become colder and colder. You need to stop contact now and avoid the worse. If you keep on contacting her you are showing the clingy side pf yourself, one of the reason she broke up. NC is your only option. Do what you've got to do. Improve yourself and be ready for that day she will contact you again (it may happen). If she doesn't at least you have kept your promise to her but above all to yourself.

 

good luck.

[kitkat289]

yes alwayshurt is very true.DO NOT EVEN TEXT her and DONT KEEP WAITING for her call either.that's worse.Just believe that she wont bother calling and leave the situation like it is for good.If you want things to be better than REALLY STAY AWAY from her.This is the ONLY way for her to atleast think of you and in the meantime you have to work on yourself.If you cant control talking to her then just imagine your conversation with her(this is what I do) and you will realise that after contacting her you didnt make things any better.You will only regret later on if you give in to your URGE TO HEAR her.Be smart,do the 'right things' if you want her really and if possible make a diary.Make two columns in it for -the positive things you did and the negative things that you did.

 

Positive like

1. "i didnt text her"

2."I didnt call he"

3. "I didnt listen to any sad songs"

4."i diverted myself from the things that remind me of her"

5. "I achieved this target today"

6"I wasnt depressed and didnt start my day bad"

7."I didnt think about her more than once throught the day"

(i know the 7th point is like impossible but I have achieved this just in 1 week of NC though Iam working on myself,my thought pattern again)

 

Negative things like:

1. I began my day thinking about us/her

2.I looked at her pictures..

3. I texted her/called her

4. I slept all day long,didnt achieve anything throught the day.

5. Atleast once I was wondering if she's missing me,if she'll even think of getting back to me and so on...(you just didnt stop thinking)

 

If you see that your positive points are more than the negative ones then you are on the right path and she will definitely start missing you.Keeping hopes is not really bad if you believe you can work towards it and change things upside-down.People would tell you not to hope that by doing this or that she may come back but I tell you,YOU CAN get back,you can MAKE HER CALL YOU.Just do the 'right things' buddy! All the best:cool: