stuck between a rock and another rock

[keelay]

hello my name is kyle. i am 23. i got married in jan of 05 and my daughter was born on may 28 of 05.

i have been with her off and on for four years. we have been through alot. she has cheated on me, left me for another person while i was away on active duty (air force), has went through a spell of hitting me. but we also had some wonderful times.

we seperated the first time in nov 06 and in march we were back together. then seperated again in may of 07. this time we signed divorce papers and were gonna try the whole "start from scratch thing". it ended in june. then in july i met my current g/f. then in oct i find out that we were never divorced. her lawyer never filed the papers. and she knew this, she just let me think we were divorced.

here is the problem, is it possible to truly love two people? i love my ex to death, but the filp side of that coin is the same with my g/f. am i just holding on to the past that my ex and i have, or what? me and my g/f have been through so much since july (broke, homeless for about a week, dealing with my ex), and we went through it together. i know she loves me. but me and my ex started trying to be friends in nov of this year and it hurt us both to be around each other. she still loves me and i still love her ( i think). but its like when she realizes that were not getting back together (right now!!!) she changes her attitude completely. at first she is wonderful. fun, nice to be around, lets me see my daughter whenever i want. everything is all i could ask for and she did it. but now, oh my god! its crazy. she holds my daughter over my head and gets off on watching me jump. tonight for instance. i am supposed to get her on mondays and thursdays. she sends me a text saying that my daughter is kinda sick and has a fever, that i can get her wednesday. i say ok b/c i was gonna have to cut it short by about 30 min today anyway. (my town had a christmas parade tonight, and i am in the county rescue squad, and we had to work the parade). so anyway, i am at the parade and who do i see with my daughter. i call her and ask her why she has a sick baby out in the 35 degree wind. she says that she got better. so i tell her to tell me the truth, if he wanted to take her to the parade why didnt she just say it? so she says ok i wanted to take her.

i know this is trivial, but i get screwed by her all the time like this. all b/c the divorce isnt final yet. we had a pendente lite hearing for temp custody, and i got screwed. i cant afford a lawyer, and her lawyer is working for free but trying to get me to pay for it. she lied her ass off in court about alot of things and i let it slide b/c if i came out and said that we have been talking and she had been letting me see my daughter (when we were getting along) her parents will cut her off financially. she is a full time student who relies on her parents money for everything. i am not gonna deprive her, or my daughter just so i can look better in court.

what should i do? the final divorce hearing isnt until january

[hopeful26]

Hi, Kyle. I'm sorry to hear about this. I know what it's like to be dragged through the mud. It sounds like she goes back and forth and ends up making your life pretty tough. You don't deserve that. A decision needs to be made and it's got to be 100% either way. She's either in 100% or she's out 100%, end of story. Neither you nor your beautiful daughter deserve to be treated like that.

[joekurtz]

hello my name is kyle. i am 23. i got married in jan of 05 and my daughter was born on may 28 of 05.

i have been with her off and on for four years. we have been through alot. she has cheated on me, left me for another person while i was away on active duty (air force), has went through a spell of hitting me. but we also had some wonderful times.

we seperated the first time in nov 06 and in march we were back together. then seperated again in may of 07. this time we signed divorce papers and were gonna try the whole "start from scratch thing". it ended in june. then in july i met my current g/f. then in oct i find out that we were never divorced. her lawyer never filed the papers. and she knew this, she just let me think we were divorced.

here is the problem, is it possible to truly love two people? i love my ex to death, but the filp side of that coin is the same with my g/f. am i just holding on to the past that my ex and i have, or what? me and my g/f have been through so much since july (broke, homeless for about a week, dealing with my ex), and we went through it together. i know she loves me. but me and my ex started trying to be friends in nov of this year and it hurt us both to be around each other. she still loves me and i still love her ( i think). but its like when she realizes that were not getting back together (right now!!!) she changes her attitude completely. at first she is wonderful. fun, nice to be around, lets me see my daughter whenever i want. everything is all i could ask for and she did it. but now, oh my god! its crazy. she holds my daughter over my head and gets off on watching me jump. tonight for instance. i am supposed to get her on mondays and thursdays. she sends me a text saying that my daughter is kinda sick and has a fever, that i can get her wednesday. i say ok b/c i was gonna have to cut it short by about 30 min today anyway. (my town had a christmas parade tonight, and i am in the county rescue squad, and we had to work the parade). so anyway, i am at the parade and who do i see with my daughter. i call her and ask her why she has a sick baby out in the 35 degree wind. she says that she got better. so i tell her to tell me the truth, if he wanted to take her to the parade why didnt she just say it? so she says ok i wanted to take her.

i know this is trivial, but i get screwed by her all the time like this. all b/c the divorce isnt final yet. we had a pendente lite hearing for temp custody, and i got screwed. i cant afford a lawyer, and her lawyer is working for free but trying to get me to pay for it. she lied her ass off in court about alot of things and i let it slide b/c if i came out and said that we have been talking and she had been letting me see my daughter (when we were getting along) her parents will cut her off financially. she is a full time student who relies on her parents money for everything. i am not gonna deprive her, or my daughter just so i can look better in court.

what should i do? the final divorce hearing isnt until january

 

Dude, you're young, (soon) to be free, have a wonderful daughter & a GF who loves you. Enjoy the hell out of it & be on your way. Stay away from the soon to be ex as much as possible.

 

Look, no one knows knows about being in love with a wife that is bad for you more than I do, believe me. But don't make my mistakes. I know your feelings for your wife are still strong & that you have a lot of history together, but take a good long, hard look at her man. Seriously.

 

She's cheated on you, moved in with another guy while you were off serving your country, been physically abusive toward you, lied to you repeatedly, played games with your visitation & God knows what else. Now she's lieing to her parents in order for them to keep paying her bills & forcing you to be a part of it. All of which are just really, really shi**y things to do. Do you REALLY want to resume a relationship with someone like that again & wind up reliving all of it again a year or two down the line?

 

I don't think so man.

[keelay]

guys, i really appreciate it. i never really thought of it like that. i mean i always knew i was better off w/o her, and her w/o me. but i really never realized how bad i have been beaten down to feel worthless. its kinda like an abusive relationship, where everyone wonders why the hell you stay. its basically stockholm syndrome, just with a partner.