Mustang Sally Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 Only one person for each of us? Of course not. Perpetuating this myth adds to the disillusionment that is so common amongst married (and single) people, in my opinion. There are many, MANY suitable partners for each. You just have to decide when you are ready to engage in that kind of commitment, and then hopefully find one of those "suitable" people, and then continually work to take the good with the bad. Worrying about "What if this wasn't the ONE for me..." only feeds feelings of entitlement and malcontent.
cj1988 Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 I did, but I am starting to doubt that now.....sad to say I am heading towards true love does not exist or should I say last !
polywog Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 We evolve as we go through life, so I think that "The One" is just that at the time in our lives that we meet him/her and recognize them. When I was married years ago, that man was "The One"... he really was, for that time, it turns out. That ended as we both evolved (or at least I did). I'm a deeper person now, so someone else is more suitable as my mate. I think that many of us are that way.
IpAncA Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 But what if the one you end up marrying you end up divorcing later on and then you go on to meet and marry another? Exactly! I use to believe there was one person but like someone else said, as I got older my views on it changed. So I believe there are many that you can end up with. Just a matter of who you find first.
quankanne Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 We evolve as we go through life, so I think that "The One" is just that at the time in our lives that we meet him/her and recognize them. When I was married years ago, that man was "The One"... he really was, for that time, it turns out. That ended as we both evolved (or at least I did). I'm a deeper person now, so someone else is more suitable as my mate. I think that many of us are that way. I agree ... your needs, your personality, your lifestyle changes as you age, and the concept of "the one" becomes outdated. At 42, I'm seeing it not as "the one destiny has brought me for the rest of my life," but rather, "the one who I think I can tolerate the rest of my days."
polywog Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 I agree ... your needs, your personality, your lifestyle changes as you age, and the concept of "the one" becomes outdated. At 42, I'm seeing it not as "the one destiny has brought me for the rest of my life," but rather, "the one who I think I can tolerate the rest of my days." Great Quote! We're such purists, but as we get older and mellow we see the shades of gray, don't you think? I think as we get older and get wrung through the mill we become more compassionate and tolerant. If we're lucky, we find a partner who is the same. Dang, we are just a bunch of little boats on this big ocean of life, and if we can be humbled enough to see that, I think we will see the other little boats that manage all the big storms, past the big ocean liners that sink, and we'll always have company, if we seek it. (corny metaphor, but I live by the ocean and it informs my psyche!)
Pyro Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 Exactly! I use to believe there was one person but like someone else said, as I got older my views on it changed. So I believe there are many that you can end up with. Just a matter of who you find first. Well that and what if your spouse were to lose their life?
quankanne Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 what if your spouse were to lose their life? that's why you really ought to be open to the idea that your life isn't just limited to one "perfect" person, but that there are number people out there with whom you "mesh." Thus becoming less about "the one" and more about finding someone you can live contentedly with for as long as that relationship is meant to last.
Pyro Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 what if your spouse were to lose their life? that's why you really ought to be open to the idea that your life isn't just limited to one "perfect" person, but that there are number people out there with whom you "mesh." Thus becoming less about "the one" and more about finding someone you can live contentedly with for as long as that relationship is meant to last. Don't get me wrong. I am open to that idea. I was just saying that in response to those who believe that there is only one person for you.
quankanne Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 oh, I'm also just trying to help dispel that particular myth held by idealists ...
katiebour Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 I don't and have never believed that there is only one "right" person for anyone. I think of it like chemistry- hydrogen can bind to hydrogen and make helium, or it can bond to oxygen and make water, and so on. There are many different combinations that make viable partnerships; it really depends, like quankanne said, on what you can tolerate and how much you're willing to compromise. That being said, the emotions I have had through my three long-term relationships have each been different. In my first relationship, everything was new territory, and what I thought was love wasn't even a pale imitation of what I would later find. In my second relationship, it was like a forest fire, burning incredibly hot and strong, but eventually ending in ashes. This third relationship is like a hearth fire, not as searing as the second, but more dependable and which I can constantly fuel with my own effort and love. I don't know if my second b/f was in some ways "the love of my life" and every love to come after simply will not live up in terms of intensity, or if my own personality has changed to the point where I no longer feel that obsessive and blind love. But one of my favorite authors has a great quote from one of her books, paraphrased: What do you mean you'll never love again? That's like saying that once you've gorged at a grand feast, you'll never eat again!
Trialbyfire Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 Nope, I don't believe in "the one". Part of the reason why people get stuck on the concept of "the one" or "soulmate", especially some of the members who come to LS, is that whatever relationship they were just in, was the one where they were fully trusting in, therefore, got hurt badly. Many people will wander off to rebound or new relationships, without addressing the issues or the hurt, therefore, never learn to fully trust again. When you're not open to trust, you're not open to giving or receiving fully.
brothermartin Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 I have a question for all of you out there... Do you believe there is ONE person that you are supposed to be with? Soul mate, spouse, etc. You get the idea... Thats easy: No. The soulmate thing is a myth. Either two people love, care, and accept each other enough to stay together, or one of them gets selfish and screws the whole thing up for both of them.
Rooster_DAR Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 I have a question for all of you out there... Do you believe there is ONE person that you are supposed to be with? Soul mate, spouse, etc. You get the idea... No! Soulmates are the belief of people who reject reality and choose to believe in some mystical interaction, just like those who believe in little green men. Cheers!
Rooster_DAR Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 Thats easy: No. The soulmate thing is a myth. Either two people love, care, and accept each other enough to stay together, or one of them gets selfish and screws the whole thing up for both of them. LOL You posted nearly exactly what I was posting at the same time, but I worded it a little harsher. D'oh!
michaelk Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 Hi there, it's me:) Hey White Flower, I sent you a PM.
colorfulbutterfly Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 On the question of soulmates, though, I feel somewhat different. Of all the possible mates I've encountered, I've only ever met one who felt like a soulmate. Being with her was a spiritual experience, and I'm not a spiritual person by nature. But we had a connection that I think few people experience. I'm so grateful to have crossed paths with her. Perhaps in the next life, we'll meet again. What happened? if you don't mind sharing.
Love is Tragic Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 I have mixed feelings about the whole "soul mate" phenomenon. I am married, but dont necessarily feel like my H is my soul mate. I think there are many different people that you meet in life that you could potentially be very happy with. Different personalities, different looks, different styles, etc. Its really the connection we feel with another person that defines our happiness with them. If the connection is lost, or if one strays, the foundation becomes weaker. I was shamefully a married OW. My exMM was the closest i have ever come to thinking that "soul mates" is truely a real thing. Of course, it was all twisted with lies and deception, but what can ya do.. So i suppose im saying that i dont believe in soul mates. And then again, how can you ever truely know unless you meet every single person in the entire world? Which is of course impossible. How do we know that our "soul mate" isnt living in Australia, or Italy, or Spain? We can never really know because that just isnt a likelihood. So we have to be happy with what we can find in our own small worlds.
White Flower Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 Originally posted by Mustang Sally> Only one person for each of us? Of course not. Perpetuating this myth adds to the disillusionment that is so common amongst married (and single) people, in my opinion. There are many, MANY suitable partners for each. You just have to decide when you are ready to engage in that kind of commitment, and then hopefully find one of those "suitable" people, and then continually work to take the good with the bad. Worrying about "What if this wasn't the ONE for me..." only feeds feelings of entitlement and malcontent. Not unless you are willing and able to truly understand your third statement. Perhaps there are MANY suitable partners for us, but only one primary and even one secondary soul mate for us (who really knows?). We may be lucky enough to marry our soul mate and have him for a life time. We may only know our soul mate for a little while. Who says we are supposed to live with our soul mates forever? It sure would be nice, but I don't think it happens that way. I think there is a major difference between a suitable partner and a soul mate. But that opens up the discussion of the universe, reincarnation, and karma. MichaelK, thanks for your PM. LS is acting funny tonight, so don't know if you got it.
RoseRen Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 I am married and I don't believe in a Soulmates - as in a Soulmate who is the perfect fit, who is 100% compatible to me. This is my explanation : People change. I can marry a person who is THE ONE for me and yet cannot expect him to remain the same. Over the years, he could change and become less loving, less lovable and less compatible to me. Now, I have two options. a) I can dump him and find another person who is 100% compatible to me. But there is no guarantee that the second person I'm going to be with is going to remain the same. or b) I can accept the situation and the person the way they are and make amends for any shortcomings from my part and inspire the other person to change back into the THE ONE again. But there is no guarantee that he will change back into my "soulmate" again. I personally prefer option b (And actually am trying to execute that in my life). So I do believe that there is just ONE person for me - and that would be and will be the person I have taken my vows with. Though I don't believe in soulmates and wouldn't want to believe in that - I would love to believe love happens at first sight, because it sounds so very romantic. But I haven't been lucky in that area. I saw my H when I was 1 day old - but no sparks produced. :-( (I've infact heard that he tried to "murder" me that day by choking me with a chocolate.) But we can still look at each other and feel that there is something very special between us. I think it is nothing more than being exclusively-attached to each other for a long period. Going slightly tangent: My H was a person who believed in the soulmate-concept when we were teenagers (when we were buddies and very very immature). All his crushes "seemed" like soulmates to him at the time. LOL. Anytime he saw his "prospective soulmate" he would give me the "I-think-she-is-the-one-for-me" speech. (He gave me the same speech when he proposed to me, and I could complete sentences for him. LOL.) And after a few weeks/months, I would be listening to "What-did-I-see-in-her?" or "Why-did-she-break-my-heart?" speech. May be he is the reason I stopped believing in Soulmates ;-). But he is also the reason for me to be that there is just ONE person for me. :-)
michaelk Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 b) I can accept the situation and the person the way they are and make amends for any shortcomings from my part and inspire the other person to change back into the THE ONE again. But there is no guarantee that he will change back into my "soulmate" again. Is this really possible? I know that we change through the course of life, but can we through conscious effort change back? We're all products of our experiences. And water flows under the bridge in only one direction.
White Flower Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 Anytime he saw his "prospective soulmate" he would give me the "I-think-she-is-the-one-for-me" speech. (He gave me the same speech when he proposed to me, and I could complete sentences for him. LOL.) And after a few weeks/months, I would be listening to "What-did-I-see-in-her?" or "Why-did-she-break-my-heart?" speech. May be he is the reason I stopped believing in Soulmates ;-). But he is also the reason for me to be that there is just ONE person for me. :-) Roseren, Your English is so good! Can I ask where you learned it? Was it public school in India, or a private shcool? You impress me all the time and I never tell you that.
RoseRen Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 Roseren, Your English is so good! Can I ask where you learned it? Was it public school in India, or a private shcool? You impress me all the time and I never tell you that. A good compliment to start my day with, in England, where half the time I'm wondering if I am communicating effectively. You made my day WhiteFlower. :-) I studied in a school which was called a public school - started by the British eons before I joined - but was privately-owned. I did my education in English medium institutions, which meant I learnt all the different subjects in English rather than in my regional language.
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