spookie Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 What my gay best friend and I have is definitely a relationship, and a long-term one at that. It fills all the criteria. For one, it's monogamous. Neither of us have any other close friends, and there's an unspoken agreement between us that we wouldn't cheat in that way: a commitment to stay the closest. He always knows where I am, whom with. We talk on the phone at length at least once a day, and he gets pissed if I ever don't answer. We meet each other's needs. Emotional, financial when one of us is broke. The need for companionship, the need to have someone listen. All that. We do it well. We have date nights (we've always reserved Friday afternoon through Saturday morning to hang out) and they're always great, definitely better than the dates I have with actual boyfriends. Recently, we've taken to staying inside to cook and hang out at my house. He'll come over, we'll walk to the corner store to pick up some beer, and once we're back, we put on some music, I chop, and he cooks. Then we'll watch a movie or catch up on our favorite shows, and later we might go to a coffeeshop, a bar, or a party. He always spends the night. In the mornings we have breakfast together. Recently we had a conversation about the fact that we've never made out with each other. I said that it would be like incest of the worst kind; and he agreed. But honestly, it would just be intense; impossible to separate the physical from the feelings; a sensual overload that I am not sure either of us could handle. Because, do I love him? How could I not? He's my best friend; we are closer than family; I have watched him grow from an insecure, overweight boy into a man. Tall, attractive, intelligent, ambitious, funny, self-possessed. And the only one who's ever loved me for my personality. He makes references sometimes to us growing old together. I've always laughed it off, but lately I've wondered: would that be so bad? To have everything but the sex, that we would get from other people?
burning 4 revenge Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 Can't you try sex with him and see if it works? Maybe his homosexuality is a mental disorder
Lauriebell82 Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 Well, I suppose if you never plan on having sex or procreating it would be nice. In theory it probably sounds wonderful, but I'm sure you (or whoever) would miss having the physical intimacy that sex brings to a relationship.
Author spookie Posted December 4, 2007 Author Posted December 4, 2007 Children I don't think would be a problem as we could have them without having sex, but of course I would miss the physical intimacy of a "real" relationship. Meaningless sex with other people woudln't really suffice. I'm not looking for advice per se with this thread but I wanted to know what people thought: what I just described, is it settling? Or a damn good deal, given the many meaningless and failed marriages of this generation?
RecordProducer Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 You have a relationship that's unique and very sweet and you fear that you may lose that if you don't marry him or start living with him under some agreement. But you will meet men that you will want and he will meet men that he will want. What would you do about that? Of course, open marriage would be the logical option, but how would you explain that to your loves, to your children? You are best friends, chosen brother and sister, and stay that way. You can't be happy without love. The problem is that he is a man, exactly what you need and you do have romantic feelings for him, although you might not admit them. But you are a woman - and he doesn't need a woman. You are setting yourself up for pain. When he falls in love with another man, you will be hurt. Don't develop any feelings for someone who will never be yours.
LovesDog Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 I have a male friend that was a roommate in college. Beit, that he was not gay. But we had a Summer of love, so to speak. He was in love with me, but we both agreed that we were experimenting (no intercourse) and having fun. I was young, about 20. He is still one of my best friends today. We never spoke of marriage, though, unless both of us were single at 40! He's married. I'm still single. Anyway, he is no longer in love with me, we've both changed tremendously and had many loves in-between. You might consider making out just to see what he feels about it. I wouldn't discuss marriage though, you are still so young!! Have fun, young Ewok.
Phateless Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 You guys are Will and Grace. Try kissing him to see what happens. Are you sure he's completely gay and not bi? It sounds like you guys are connecting something fierce.
Author spookie Posted December 4, 2007 Author Posted December 4, 2007 Everyone, I am NOT saying I have romantic feelings for my friend, nor that I want to do anything with him physically. It would be too weird to try, and besides that, even with the best scenario, I don't think it would add to our relationship. I'm never jealous of him, incidentally, and I won't be left brokenhearted. I really want to know, though, what people think about relationships of this type. That is, the kind that don't involve sex (but may involve love, emotional intimacy, children, and marriage).
littlekitty Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 My personal feeling is that you need the sexual intimacy in a relationship to nurture the emotional intimacy and keep it strong. The fact that you've both discussed sex (and your lack of it) show that it's always a factor.
Leia Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 I don't think there's anything wrong with this kind of arrangement. Do you date other men now and then? If you do, then that's not bad. Maybe there is still a chance for you to find someone out there that you can have a full on relationship with meaning physically as well. If you don't then why not just be with your gay best friend? He's almost perfect as you described. Things might change between you both if you had sex (for worse or better, you'll find out) but that is of course, if you both really decide on it.
RecordProducer Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 Everyone, I am NOT saying I have romantic feelings for my friend, nor that I want to do anything with him physically. It would be too weird to try, and besides that, even with the best scenario, I don't think it would add to our relationship. I'm never jealous of him, incidentally, and I won't be left brokenhearted. I really want to know, though, what people think about relationships of this type. That is, the kind that don't involve sex (but may involve love, emotional intimacy, children, and marriage).No, honey, it's not the same as love minus sex. This is mere friendship. I have love and a relationship with my kids that I will never ever have with any man. Same with my parents: a perfect connection. It's still not the same as loving a man. Since you say it's totally platonic and I believe you, if you had this connection with a woman, would you consider marrying her? For him, the opposite sex is like the same sex for you. It's just not the kind of love you really need. Don't think that a good marriage means getting along perfectly with ANYONE. A good marriage is getting along more with the one you love with every part of your body and soul, even when there is no sex. Whenever I see a young woman married to an old rich man, I am thinking that she is not happy; that she sold her happiness for money. You are considering doing the same, except that you would sell your happiness for friendship. Keep the friendship as such. Trust me, you would never be fulfilled. You're a very young, pretty gilr and happiness in love is awaiting you. You've had it before and you will have it in the future. By the way, don't you have a BF or something?
IpAncA Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 You guys are Will and Grace. Yep, that sums it up. But Spookie you did make it sound like you wanted to get involved with him or something.
quankanne Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 I really want to know, though, what people think about relationships of this type. That is, the kind that don't involve sex (but may involve love, emotional intimacy, children, and marriage). those relationships are possible when you look at the depth and length of friendship between two people and compare it to romantic relationships. Hands down, you will have had your friend much, much longer than you've had your spouse/SO, simply because the dynamics of the relationship are different. That's not to say you don't *love* your SO/spouse, but your expectations of that relationship are different to start with. I guarantee that if you take this relationship past the emotionally and socially intimate stage it's at now (marriage/sex/etc), all that's going to change because then you'll be dealing with a whole other set of rules and feelings. His being homosexual will pose a problem in a marriage because no matter how much he loves you, you're going to be convinced that he'll "change," and will love you and desire you physically. And that's just not possible when a person's sexuality has been determined ... hell, it's hard enough to deal with when your spouse has medical problems or old age has screwed with his sexual ability! don't ruin a good thing by trying to make it into something that it can never be, but just enjoy your relationship with him to the fullest extent possible. And if you DO settle down, make sure your guy loves your buddy as much as you, and respects this special friendship or they'll be problems in that area, too.
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