spookie Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 I've recently come to the realization that maybe love for people in our past isn't something we need to "get over," stop feeling, as much as learn to live with. There are two people that I've loved prior to this one. Both "loves" lasted years and if I go back, in my memory, and reach both of those people, I still feel now the way I felt about them then. Which is to say, I still know what I saw in them, why they made me feel the way they did; I still feel that under the right conditions (which would involve amnesia for love #1), it would work. They were my "ones". I can honestly say that with boht, there is a part of me still in love. That will always be in love. Yet I have managed to live with that, meet someone new, be happy. So maybe I've been approaching this recent ex situation from entirely the wrong side. I've been telling myself that to heal, I have to let go, to forget. Maybe all I have to do is tell myself it's in the past, in a place I cannot revisit right now. And that it's ok to be open to the future. What does everyone think? It's kind of an odd way to look at it, isn't it? It underlines the importance of timing. You may know who you're ones are, you may have met them, but unless the timing's just right to where you're both sane and in the same place physically and mentally, there's not a chance in hell it will work. So you plow on. Hoping to meet someone else as right for you, at the right time.
cant let go Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 It's kind of an odd way to look at it, isn't it? Nope, I wouldn't say that your thinking is odd at all! Very mature and reasonable. Good post and good mindset. Like I said in the other thread, you are doing well spookie. Keep holding on.
MattyTee Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 Well, I've only had the one love who I felt was the 'one' but I liked reading this. Perhaps you are right Spooks, perhaps it's about the 'one' and the timing colliding at the right time
KenzieAbsolutely Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 nope. once i'm done, i'm done, and it's hard to convince myself i ever really loved them at all.
sedgwick Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 I do. But I realize in retrospect that I haven't loved everyone I thought I loved at the time. There are two people in my past with whom I was hugely infatuated, totally thought it was love, but wouldn't want anything to do with them now. There's someone I dumped and I still sometimes regret it; he's amazing and sexy and his gf now is lucky to have him. My ex-husband is still my best friend on earth and I love him (though not romantically) more than anyone. We still take vacations together! (No, we don't still have sex, that ended before we divorced.) I think I've just grown to love him more over the years! Too bad we don't make a good couple, but at least we both know that and treasure what we have. I adore him, and he's taught me pretty much everything I know about trust. My first love was someone I only dated for three months, but it took me 12 years to really get over him! Not to say that I wasn't with other people in that time -- including my husband -- but I was always in love with him. I always said that if he walked back through the door I'd run away with him. And then he DID walk back through the door, and I thought he was rude and boring. It was a big lesson in having loved someone for who they were, but realizing that person was gone and the love was just a memory. Do I still love him? Well, I'm pretty put off by the passionless person he became, but I certainly do remember how much I loved him when I was 23. There are other people I've dated (but not loved) whom I still remember fondly. I wouldn't necessarily have anything to say to them now, but I have good memories. There's one person I almost dated but I decided I wasn't interested, because I was hung up on someone else. I have always wondered what would have happen if I'd dated him instead. He was so smart and sweet, and at the time I was into the bad boys, because I was 19 and an idiot. But I've thought about him all these years! Found him recently online, he's married with a child, and I felt a little twinge of jealousy for his wife. My most recent ex was, without a doubt, the love of my life. It's been five months and I still miss him and think about him constantly. I am still devastated that he dumped me. I am still trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I don't know if I'll ever be able to speak to him again; right now it feels like my heart will always be broken. And yet...I somehow still believe that almost none of them ever think of me anymore.
AHIWON Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 Not me. I've loved 3 women so far in my life. The first two I don't love at all any more. The 3rd I do still but I am not over her yet. Been a little over a month since we split. I'm working on it tho.
sally4sara Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 I still have a love for my first love. I don't pine for him or anything, but we were too young to really cause each other damage beyond the realization that it wasn't meant to be. I honestly did love my exhusband/son's dad. I honestly do not love him anymore. I don't even like him. But hey! The final divorce papers came today so WHOO HOO! Took over 6 years! I can think of only one other person I loved and the sad thing is, I didn't love who they were so much as who the pretended to be so convincingly for almost a year. I am still friends with him to some extent, at least its an honest relationship now that I know exactly what kind of person he is.
mav100 Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 In my experience, any of the women that I have dated that I truly loved will always hold a place in my heart. While that doesn't mean I'd get into another relationship with them, it does mean that I do get those twinges of emotion when I hear something about them or bump into them. I've dated quite a few women in my 32 years, and some I can't even remember their names, but never made that connection with them. At the same time, the ones that I know I actually loved still pop into my head almost daily. So I would have to say that yes, when you truly love someone, you always will. For those that say they don't, my guess is that either they actually didn't love the person in the first place, or they are hiding it from themselves with other emotions like anger. If someone is really wronged by someone they really care about, it hurts. The memory of that pain never leaves your mind, the pain just dulls over time. But it's easier to say something like "eff that b!tch" than it is to relive how they hurt you. Me, I'd prefer to be honest to myself. That has made me wonder alot since my break up - I believe my ex did love me. So I'll wonder, does she still feel the same, and only hides it from herself with anger towards me? I think the answer to that is yes, but I'd never get that out of her. People do what they need to do to protect themselves.
Jmina Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 I truly love my ex, and still love her we dont see or hear from each other but i know we think about each other. hey we were each others first loves, in a lot of time i will still think of her fondly and wonder about her. if you truly love somebody you will always love them. it doesnt mean you have to be in each others lives though. Jmina
littlekitty Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 Not for me. There's people I thought I loved, who looking back now, I don't believe I ever loved at all. There is only one 'partner' I love, and that is my husband. All the rest are in the past and the love has gone.
bustertypsy Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 Not me. I've loved 3 women so far in my life. The first two I don't love at all any more. The 3rd I do still but I am not over her yet. Been a little over a month since we split. I'm working on it tho. Similar story.Fond memories of most of my ex's,but love??????....No!!
KenzieAbsolutely Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 Not for me. There's people I thought I loved, who looking back now, I don't believe I ever loved at all. There is only one 'partner' I love, and that is my husband. All the rest are in the past and the love has gone. finally, someone like me!
White Flower Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 I ran into my first love at a wedding. For years I thought I'd never get over him. But at the wedding, I realized it was just puppy love. We would never have worked out. Now we're friends and can email and I feel no romantic feelings for him whatsoever.
AHIWON Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 Similar story.Fond memories of most of my ex's,but love??????....No!! No more. I'll just go meet more women. Or hook up with the ones I know. Be careful who you give your heart to. Some of em are mean!
sb129 Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 Not for me. There's people I thought I loved, who looking back now, I don't believe I ever loved at all. There is only one 'partner' I love, and that is my husband. All the rest are in the past and the love has gone. Me too. i still have fond memories of a couple of them, but thats all. finally, someone like me! And me!
Leoni Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 I also can't say I still love my past partners. I do look back fondly, at some of the good memories.
Art_Critic Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 Do you still love all the people you've ever loved? Today I don't love any of the people that I've loved in the past...( romantically speaking ) I have a past with them so some of them I do have feelings for them but they are not feelings of love.. The feelings I have for my ex's range from empathy, fondness, friendship to dislike or downright wishing I had never met them or wishing that I had never wasted my time on them.. yes there are a couple of those...but there is no love for any of them in my heart...
KenzieAbsolutely Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 Me too. i still have fond memories of a couple of them, but thats all. And me! well, then welcome to the club, sb129.
polywog Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 Me, If I loved somebody I still have them in my heart somehow. The guys I've loved were also my pals (mostly) so they still have a little spot reserved in there someplace. Kind of like that old ticket stub you hold onto and can't throw out because it brings back memories and is evidence of your history:p.
melodymatters Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 Great post spookie ! I think once you remove the infatuation phase, you have a warmer more mature love that you can still look back on and "feel". There's a couple I laugh at myself about, a couple I still feel that warm love feeling without the lust that was once there, and one I'm prob still " in love" with, and that was actually the most incompatible crazy making one ! And yes, timing IS EVERYTHING !!!!!
PrincessBOT Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 Very good question... My first love in highschool was puppy love. My second love I discovered was not meant to be romantic love, but friendship love instead (we are still friend after almost 8 years apart). My third love was the one, but he could not be honest or stop cheating so my feelings turned to total dislike. It's been over two years and I think of him and how I loved him then. I know it is wrong, but he (minus the lies and cheating) is my standard to which I compare other men. He had almost all of the qualities I wanted in a man and it made us so compatible. I still wish we could be together, but I would never be able trust him. This is the first time I am admitting this, but time has ate away the dislike I felt and I still feel that I love him. I secretly wish that us being apart for two years has made him think that if he ever gets me back he will never cheat again.The reality is that I would never be able to risk openly giving my love and heart to him again. So I can never be with the person I love although I am positive he would have me back if I chose to go back. My last ex I am still confused. I thought I loved him because I accepted him and wanted to be with him. However, the way he ended our relationship made me hate him. So I constantly question myself as to whether I truely loved him at all or was I just settling because I can't be with the person I truely loved. This is a scary thought.
mindsurfer Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 I have had only two serious relationships. I am still friends with both of them and I still love them for who they are. I think they continue love me too. In my opinion, calling a person "wonderful" is in a way overrated as most people are wonderful. I dont know is i am exception but almost everybody i know says that i have great conflict resolution skills but am not really sure because 3 days ago, i let go of a very close friend after trying really hard to resolve our differences for over a month...
Author spookie Posted December 6, 2007 Author Posted December 6, 2007 I do. But I realize in retrospect that I haven't loved everyone I thought I loved at the time. There are two people in my past with whom I was hugely infatuated, totally thought it was love, but wouldn't want anything to do with them now. There's someone I dumped and I still sometimes regret it; he's amazing and sexy and his gf now is lucky to have him. My ex-husband is still my best friend on earth and I love him (though not romantically) more than anyone. We still take vacations together! (No, we don't still have sex, that ended before we divorced.) I think I've just grown to love him more over the years! Too bad we don't make a good couple, but at least we both know that and treasure what we have. I adore him, and he's taught me pretty much everything I know about trust. My first love was someone I only dated for three months, but it took me 12 years to really get over him! Not to say that I wasn't with other people in that time -- including my husband -- but I was always in love with him. I always said that if he walked back through the door I'd run away with him. And then he DID walk back through the door, and I thought he was rude and boring. It was a big lesson in having loved someone for who they were, but realizing that person was gone and the love was just a memory. Do I still love him? Well, I'm pretty put off by the passionless person he became, but I certainly do remember how much I loved him when I was 23. There are other people I've dated (but not loved) whom I still remember fondly. I wouldn't necessarily have anything to say to them now, but I have good memories. There's one person I almost dated but I decided I wasn't interested, because I was hung up on someone else. I have always wondered what would have happen if I'd dated him instead. He was so smart and sweet, and at the time I was into the bad boys, because I was 19 and an idiot. But I've thought about him all these years! Found him recently online, he's married with a child, and I felt a little twinge of jealousy for his wife. My most recent ex was, without a doubt, the love of my life. It's been five months and I still miss him and think about him constantly. I am still devastated that he dumped me. I am still trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I don't know if I'll ever be able to speak to him again; right now it feels like my heart will always be broken. And yet...I somehow still believe that almost none of them ever think of me anymore. Great post sedgwick! It made me tear up. I think all the responses are really interesting:). Thanks guys. I think a lot of people fall into two groups: those with a reverence for the past and those that are able to let it go to progress cleanly into the future. For me, to stop loving someone, even after they've hurt me, is to discount what I once thought of as constant and unconditional; and that is hard for me to do, because it chips away at what I think of as the meaning of life (the memories you make); so it's easier for me to allow the feelings to stay the same, even if they are all I am left with, a testament to the past. I'm soooo ready to meet someone new though.
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