Bummblebee77 Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 Hey everyone!!! I was looking around everywhere online to find a place where people would discuss something about love troubles and i think this is the perfect place LOL!! I'm having a bit of confused emotions i hope that someone here would lead me in the right direction. I would appreciate it alot!! Well heres my situation... Me and bf of 1yr and 4 months have been fighting alot lately and all because he keeps throwing things in my face like for example, The wrong things that I do and the way I should and shouldnt behave. All he ever does is attack me about the way I am. He tells me I'm not the same person anymore and that im not the same girl he started going out with a year and 4 months ago. This is the reason he says that: For the past week we've gotten into arguments and for the first time I blew up in his face and I yelled at him. I told him to stop being such a jerk and that I was sick of arguing. His response was, "if your so sick of me and of arguing, why dont you just leave" but I told him I couldnt because I loved him. He didnt say anything but I felt so bad because he wasnt making any effort to stop the arguing and get back on track. I got off the car and I hugged him and I told him to stop being so stubborn. We kissed and everything was fine. And also too everytime we fight we tend to make it up with sex and tell ourselves okay everything is fine now. Is that wrong? Anyway, This morning was the same thing we argued, I cried and he left and I left for school too. Even the day before that when we were arguing I told him "why are u fighting with me, do you want to break up with me" but he would just tell me that he wanted me to change for the sake of the relationship if not he would break up. So what choice did he give me? Of course I love him, why would I want to break up? So I told him in a sad way I would change and that I would spend less time with his family and more time on my own. He told me that if I wanted it that way that fine, it would be that way. At this point I dont understand. I dont know what to do. I'm frustrated and I'm sure his frustrated too. What can I do to fix all this? Will a break up help? would him being away from me help him realize how much i do mean to him and wont take me for granted? To me he means the whole world and I'm trying my best to keep the relationship in tacked but his way of being towards me is ruining all of that and hes not realizing what hes doing. Everytime we've fault I've always looked for him and asked him to just forget about our fight and be happy again. I've always done that. So really hes only done it like twice, once he took flowers to my work and the other showed up at my house at like 4 in the morning to apologize, but lately its all me. But I dont know, do we need to go on a break?..LOL Please Help..... I'm a strong person from the inside and what not but when it comes to love I'm helpless!!! How do I work this out? I dont want to kiss his ass anymore, it's humiliating especially when he wont acknowledge my "atleast I tried feeling"...LOL. To be honest this is making me feel way too sad and I cant even concentrate on school!!! Please help before my life falls apart...... well not literally but just my love life..LOL Thanks so much I would appreciate it!!! -bummblebee
Keara Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 I've been in a situation similiar a few times in my past. First of all... If he is asking you to change in ways that are not who you are inside, then any change you make will not be long term. It will delay the breakup for a few months, but it won't change the outcome. So don't delude yourself into thinking you can change and you two will live a happy forever after. You are special just as you are. Don't forget that. You don't need to be someone else in order for someone to love you. He might not be the right guy for you. I want you to think really hard about what you want from a relationship, and the type of partner you really want. Try to come at this from a logical point of view, and less from the emotional side. How close does your bf come to the ideal you have? What aspects aren't there? What would need to change? Things like how he communicates, how he deals with problems, time with friends and family, time together, time apart, money ideals, marriage, kids, etc. You need to decide if he's really the right guy for you, or if you're allowing fear of losing him to override your common sense. You sound like you're trying to twist yourself to fit his mold, and you've forgetten that you're a great person as you are. I think your big problem is that you two aren't communiating. You both probably talk a hell of a lot, but neither one of you understands the other. It causes frustration that you aren't understood, which leads to resentment and then anger. From my experience, there's usually a bigger picture going on when couples fight. It sounds to me like your bf is feeling as though his needs aren't met. He's saying you've change which makes me believe that there are things you've stopped doing for him that you used to do. I've found that people have different actions/words that make them feel loved. Maybe there are things that make your bf feel loved that aren't occuring anymore? Like that old example of the love bank: if deposits of love that mean something to the partner aren't made, or too many withdrawls are made, then the partner starts to close off. The more deposits that are made, the more generous the partner is with giving away love to you. Last thought.. if he can't figure out what actions cause him to feel loved and what he feels is missing now, then there's not much you can do to help. You can talk to him, listen, ask questions. But he has to be able to identify what's important to him in order to communicate it with you. Otherwise you're left twisting yourself into a pretzel and both of you are going to be unhappy. DON'T brush his concerns off by saying 'just forget about it'. Let him know what he's saying is important to you, that you want to understand him, and that you want to make this work. Even if it takes days, or weeks, just do not tell him to forget about it and be happy. He can't. Just like you wouldn't be able to brush it off if he continually did something that made you feel unloved (like now). It invalidates a persons feelings, leaves them feeling unheard, dismissed, and frustrated. If you want to get both your minds off the problems for a little while, then by all means go have sex, have dinner, watch a movie, whatever... but let him know that its not a dismissal of the problems, just a break, and that you want to help with resolving the problems a little later (that evening, next day, next available time).
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