Boyfriend into preteen model sites

[natura]

While surfing the net one day on my boyfriend's computer, I accidentally discovered that he had been viewing websites of preteen models - clothed from a bathing suit to a neat outfit but none were nude. While typing in a web address in the address line, various web addresses to preteen model websites showed up in the list so that's how I know. Is something wrong with him? Why does a 35-yr old man look at that stuff? I am almost 30yrs old. It's hard for me to imagine him being so sick because he appears to be so respectful and he has a good heart. I confronted him about it and he denied viewing the sites. He said he is not sure how the web address showed up in his history. I am so embarrassed to ask such a question but I don't feel comfortable speaking about this to people that I know. How should I confront him about this? Any suggestions/advice would be very helpful. Please please please respond!!!

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "How should I confront him about this?"

 

I think you ought to read your own post again. You have already confronted him and he has denied viewing these sites.

 

If there is no doubt that he is the only other person besides you who uses that particular computer, then it's obvious that he was lying to you. Little boys who get caught being naughty often lie rather than face consequences. Perhaps you should go find yourself a man who can take responsibility for his actions. You might flush him out by threatening to call the police to investigate who used the computer...if it wasn't him.

 

You cannot judge his state of mind or reasons for viewing the sites on the basis of their content if he did so just once. Lots of people would go through a number of these out of plain curiosity.

 

If he gets some kind of sexual stimulation out of viewing pictures of tiny teens in seductive poses, then you have a serious problem on your hand.

 

If this is the first time you have seen this on your computer, I wouldn't pay it much mind. But if you check the history again and find he has visited these sites again, require him to get counselling for this growing addiction or quickly pack your bags and move on down the road.

 

Addiction to this type of child porn, even though their clothes aren't off, is sickening. The parents of these kids, as young as seven or eight years old, are the ones who ought to be shot. Allowing one's kids to be exploited for money by posing in bikinis and lingerie in a seductive and alluring manner is a serious moral issue. The United States Congress now has legislation pending that would ban these kinds of sites from originating in the US.

 

So you've got some detective work to do. I wouldn't blame him for lying because if he really did look at these sites, he would be very embarassed to admit to it. And if he actually did just once, I wouldn't be so concerned. If he does it again, you will have to take swift and decisive action to get him help or get away from him. Give him fair warning.

[natura]

Thank you for your honest opinion and advice, Tony. I feel tremendously thankful to get your views on this problem. You're right. I feel that he lied as well since the computer can't lie and people have the ability to. Because he denied any wrongdoing, it will be difficult for me to ascertain why he viewed/views them - curiosity? inappropriate sick sexual fantasies? Secondly, well I guess I can't blame him for lying. Although, a person at his age, should be honest and take responsibility for his actions.

 

So after I confronted him, he deleted his temporary internet files. I asked him why. He said it's inappropriate material on a company computer. I asked him, "Don't you want to find out how those websites got on your computer?" He said yes and he understands my need to find out what's going on but he didn't want the company to be able to find them. He also said that basically this is my problem. That I need to figure out how to resolve this. He said he would be happy to answer any questions that I have and would be free to talk about this together. He said we would continue to work on this together but I feel like it's all me. I don't understand why he isn't being more proactive about this and taking ownership of what's on his computer.

 

Your last paragraph about giving him a fair warning is good. I hope we both have the courage to find the truth together and be honest with each other. I hope that I have the courage and strength to confront the truth and be able to accept the truth. If this leads to breaking up, I hope I can "take swift and decisive action."

 

This is very difficult for me as I see him in a different light. Before this happened, this is what I knew. He is a wonderful human being with a good heart. He loves me and treats me the way I want and gives me more. We have common interests, future goals, etc. He is my best friend and he just doesn't appear to be so horrible as this finding implies. We haven't had one big fight before. And in the past, he volunteered on a weekly basis playing/babysitting with children at a homeless shelter. And he must have gotten a criminal check. We laugh, love, hike, camp, travel, etc. This behavior is so out of character. We've been together for 9 1/2 months and gosh, there was a strong possiblity that we would get engaged later this year. He would make such a great husband and a great father!!!

 

Sigh.

 

Tony, how do you think I can get him to open up? To admit what he did and explain his reasons for going to the websites? Would I ever get it out of him? It appears that he won't give me any more information and I need to make the decision whether to break up with him or not.

 

Does it matter whether these websites were nude or not? It seems that lots of men look at young girls. Would this behavior mean that he would act on anything?

 

It is so important to me to have a family and well, it seemed so for him as well. But I can't raise a family with good conscience around him if he's got this problem. It's weird, he seems so normal with me and this is such deviant behavior.

 

I hope to hear from you soon, Tony!!

[Tony T]

1. "...how do you think I can get him to open up?"

 

You can't. You already tried. If he lies again, move on. But I do think you learned something about him that could make you uncomfortable with the relationship. You absolutely need to get him to take responsibility for things...or at least to communicate with you. You cannot have a healthy relationship with a man who reacts like a child.

 

2. "To admit what he did and explain his reasons for going to the websites?"

 

He's not going to do that, so just forget it. You already tried. Maybe someday he'll fess up to it but for now just forget it. If you nag at him to change an answer he already gave to you, you'll further piss him off and he will become MORE defensive.

 

3. "Would I ever get it out of him?"

 

There's simply no way of knowing. Maybe sometime when he's had a lot of drink or when he's in a weak place emotionally he'll fess up, otherwise I doubt he would ever admit to this.

 

4. "It appears that he won't give me any more information and I need to make the decision whether to break up with him or not."

 

That is correct. You alread have just about all the information you're going to get. His behavior in emptying the cache, etc. indicates he probably viewed this stuff himself.

 

If your relationship is so good in all other ways, you might just want to carry on and see if he continues this behavior. If this was a one-time curiosity deal, just forgive him and get on with the relationship.

 

5. "Does it matter whether these websites were nude or not?"

 

I'm assuming you mean the kids. It matters a little bit. You have to ask yourself why so many of these sites are up on the net and just what kind of person actually joins the sites to view young children in bikinis and sexy, suggestive poses. It sucks.

 

6. "It seems that lots of men look at young girls. Would this behavior mean that he would act on anything?"

 

No, it would not. If everybody who looked at this stuff acted on it, there would be mass chaos in the world. Again, his viewing could have been out of harmless curiosity...or he could actually be aroused by these pictures. It's your job to find out if you want to stay with him. If you don't want to mess with hanging in there, then you have to leave.

[Bill]

It's hard for me to imagine him being so sick because he appears to be so respectful and he has a good heart.

 

He lies to you then makes you believe his obsession with little girls is your fault. You have done nothing wrong, it is all him.

[Gray]

Just for some info it is possible to have pages you've never visited pop up in your address history, because of popups on other pages. The longer (in length) they are the more likely that he didn't actually type them in...

 

BUT! I surf a lot and have never encountered a preteen model ad.

[nickname]

I thought I might chime in, as I regularly look at a variety of preteen model sites, I am very aroused and use them for fantasies and sometimes masterbate with the material. I am a pretty normal 33 year old family guy otherwise - I just have this desire for these images that I've tried to push aside again and again. I've deleted every image I've seen over and over - but I still go back. I have a healthy sex life and some good relationships with other guys and women my age. I tried to go to a counsellor but, I have kids and the women told me with a harsh tone that she could have my kids taken away if I told them anything that gave them suspicion of abuse. I don't know about you - but that pretty much closed the conversation. How am I suppose to talk to someone with that threat! My kids are happy healthy and no part of my interest whatever - but all the doors to help seem to be closed to me. any suggestions? I don't think I'd ever act on my interest in young girls - but I don't wanna just leave it alone and see what happens either. I know the feeling of not being in control of yourself and don't ever want to find myself doing anything to anyone. help

[Lexi]

Hi I was in a very similar situation and I confronted him too and we are no longer together. If you are not good enough for him and he needs it somewhere else,wether it is porn,another woman etc..then the problem is obvious. You are young and there are many good healthy descent men out ther who would treat you with respect. You really deserve to respect yourself and leave, the tiger nver changes his spotts. Cheating is cheating and it hurts and hurts relationships. He obviuosly can not do the right thing, so you ought to go ahead and do the right thing. Walk away and do not look back, trust me I know. Surround yourself by friends and family and peopla you can trust. Do not tolerate abuse in any form, or else you hurt yourself.

 

Lexi

[badhabit]

I can identify with what 'nickname' has written. I, too habitually go to teen/preteen model websites and

download sample pix. I lost the best girlfriend of my life three months ago over this - she called it 'child porn', but of course i see it differently; maybe that's part of the problem. Even though it is legal in the US now, does NOT mean that it is appropriate behavior. Anyway, I immediately got in touch with a counselor who has dealt with similar problems, and I'm making progress in putting this behind me, and focusing on being fufilled with *real* relationships, not fantasies. It is not easy... boredom, lonliness, and old habits make it easy to fall back into old patterns. But for me, at 45 years old, it is 'make or break' time. My suggestion to 'nickname' or anyone else with a similar problem is to keep seeking help until you find someone who does not judge or threaten you...that is the role of a dedicated psycologist. I think that if I were in a good, loving, and exciting relationship, I wouldn't have the time or need for such fantasies... That thought, and with my determination to stop this behavior, and the help of an expert is what keeps me going. There is a way out of the web you are in...you just have to want it bad enough to seek help.

Take it from one who has been there a long time, and is getting out and on with my life.

 

**

[Jonny Madness]

Touchy subject, thought I'd chime in with what I'm sure will be an unpopular stance. The right wing establishment has vilified human sexuality, plain and simple. We are sexual beings from the time we are born, and that cannot, and should not be suppressed. It's like putting a kink in a high pressure water hose, the water is there and it WILL find a way out no matter what ANYONE does or says. I believe our current society uses the entertainment industry as the outlet, the “relief valve” if you will, and that's our biggest mistake. Parents don't really talk to kids about sex, sure they sometimes give “the facts”, but that’s not nearly enough. The sexual development of our children is handled, for the most part, by MTV. I always admire the ancient native cultures, because they were so in touch with nature, they never took more than they needed, and they always respected all life and mother earth. It was a very beautiful culture that was forcibly taken away from them by the current culture of greed. In some native cultures, when a child expressed curiosity about sex, an adult from the tribe was appointed to talk to them about it, and the child could actually have sex with the adult if they wanted. That couldn’t work in today’s society, but it’s the society that is wrong, not the sexuality. I remember when I was a child, I had intense sexual feelings, a very horny little guy, lol!! Is there something wrong with that? Religious fundamentalists and other conservative groups will say yes. But, how is it wrong to have a feeling? A feeling can’t even be discussed in the framework of right and wrong, it just “is” no matter what we want to do about it. Our society has ignored and condemned it, and so the children turn to where people ARE talking about sex, pop entertainment. This gives them a very warped view, and that’s why we are all so messed up.

 

Looking at pre-teen model sites is not something I’ve done. But, hey, I’ve checked out plenty at the mall, and on the street. Put a sexy girl in front of me and it will stir those feelings up, that’s how I was made – it’s a biological response that I will never feel guilty for, or repress, or apologize for – too bad for anyone that doesn’t like it. One of the problems is that girls are hitting puberty at a much earlier age. That’s due to the growth hormones in virtually everything we eat. Guess what? Giving a child growth hormone every single day from the day they’re born is gonna have consequences. Corporate America only cares about the financial consequences. Now here we are in a world where 10 year old girls can be very sexy. We have to acknowledge it if we’re going to deal with it. We already know that sweeping it under the carpet is making matters much worse.

 

The guy who looks at the sites is doing nothing wrong, it’s a strong curiosity. It’s unfair to judge him a pervert right off the bat, because how do we know what’s in his head? Some of you guys have tried and convicted this guy already, be careful with that. It’s a long way from looking at pre-teen model sites to child abuse.

[rayme]

Originally posted by Jonny Madness

Touchy subject, thought I'd chime in with what I'm sure will be an unpopular stance. The right wing establishment has vilified human sexuality, plain and simple. We are sexual beings from the time we are born, and that cannot, and should not be suppressed. It's like putting a kink in a high pressure water hose, the water is there and it WILL find a way out no matter what ANYONE does or says. I believe our current society uses the entertainment industry as the outlet, the “relief valve” if you will, and that's our biggest mistake. Parents don't really talk to kids about sex, sure they sometimes give “the facts”, but that’s not nearly enough. The sexual development of our children is handled, for the most part, by MTV. I always admire the ancient native cultures, because they were so in touch with nature, they never took more than they needed, and they always respected all life and mother earth. It was a very beautiful culture that was forcibly taken away from them by the current culture of greed. In some native cultures, when a child expressed curiosity about sex, an adult from the tribe was appointed to talk to them about it, and the child could actually have sex with the adult if they wanted. That couldn’t work in today’s society, but it’s the society that is wrong, not the sexuality. I remember when I was a child, I had intense sexual feelings, a very horny little guy, lol!! Is there something wrong with that? Religious fundamentalists and other conservative groups will say yes. But, how is it wrong to have a feeling? A feeling can’t even be discussed in the framework of right and wrong, it just “is” no matter what we want to do about it. Our society has ignored and condemned it, and so the children turn to where people ARE talking about sex, pop entertainment. This gives them a very warped view, and that’s why we are all so messed up.

 

Looking at pre-teen model sites is not something I’ve done. But, hey, I’ve checked out plenty at the mall, and on the street. Put a sexy girl in front of me and it will stir those feelings up, that’s how I was made – it’s a biological response that I will never feel guilty for, or repress, or apologize for – too bad for anyone that doesn’t like it. One of the problems is that girls are hitting puberty at a much earlier age. That’s due to the growth hormones in virtually everything we eat. Guess what? Giving a child growth hormone every single day from the day they’re born is gonna have consequences. Corporate America only cares about the financial consequences. Now here we are in a world where 10 year old girls can be very sexy. We have to acknowledge it if we’re going to deal with it. We already know that sweeping it under the carpet is making matters much worse.

 

The guy who looks at the sites is doing nothing wrong, it’s a strong curiosity. It’s unfair to judge him a pervert right off the bat, because how do we know what’s in his head? Some of you guys have tried and convicted this guy already, be careful with that. It’s a long way from looking at pre-teen model sites to child abuse.

 

i could not have put it better myself one thing is true we all hit sexuality at different point of our lives and the

 

suppression of our sexuality is the one thing that messed me up totally , i am just a person who would hurt noone

 

and would would do anything to make others happy but since socity has made some requests imoral it saddens

 

me that i must suppress my feelings and inadvertantly live my life in true missery .to call littel people kids is truly

 

an insult to there inteligence they to have feelings and at times wish to express them to someone special to them

 

, however it is more convenient to persucute big people{adults} as they have had the fear of sociaty put in them

 

where as littel people do not have this ,they dont judge you till you have given them reason to judge you

 

and will not catagorize you till reason is given for them to feel this way

 

there only wish like ours is to be happy ,yet in the 21th century we still feel the need to educate and punish them

 

its a shame that humanity has taken somany steps backwards the native cultures are in touch with what life is all

 

about , and now the world is trying to force its crap onto them to

 

if i say this

 

this is my bible

 

dont lie

 

dont do anything that will bring harm to anyone

 

and belive in yourself and those who love you

 

then life could not be bad

 

how is it possible that people made rule for the mirical that is humanbeings

 

and nature itsself

 

i must agree i dont have a problem society is the only nightmare i have

 

 

later i hope to be able to come and talk more often raymee

[hmm]

I'am a perant myself but i think the media, film and music companies are to blame for children crowing up to quick

To much is being viewed by children that make them feel even more like wanting to be like a adult.

 

Even the the way popstars dress is wrong i feel as children want to be like them so they want to wear and do the same things, nowdays a girl of 10 could look twice her age with the cloths and makeup she could wear, which is not good.

 

I have no personal problems with anyone looking at a "human", but abuse is a no no in my eyes and deserves death to anyone hurting a child in such a way.

 

I think people should be open minded there nothing wrong in seeing a human body nude as this is natural, we don't see animals wearing pants do we and i can't belief we think we are any differant from anyother species.

[First Hand Knowledge]

Let me start by saying that I have struggled with the same issues your bf has. HE NEEDS HELP. I lied, tried to cover my tracks, etc. It is a very shameful and horrible thing to enjoy and due to the nature of the addiction very hard to admit. If you are a drug addict or alcoholic you get support, not for this though.

 

If he doesn't get help it will just fester and grow. He is likely a sex addict as well. Taking him to a counselor that specializes in this area would be good.

 

I lied, explained away and hide the truth from myself and loved ones for years and you need to NOT accept any of this. Letting him continue will only make the problem worse. Get a counselor so you don't have to play cop supervising him and if he won't go, you need to.

[Just my 2 cents]

Just so you know, I accidentally typed the wrong internet address in on my fiance's computer and it took me to a porn site of young nude teens. I closed it out and never thought about it again. A few weeks later I went to the history on his computer looking for a site I had found earlier and the history was FULL of porn. I deleted them all and sure enough 2 days later they were all back in history again. He was out of town on the job at the time. Found out it was a spyware I had gotten into his computer from the very first mistyped site I went to that was placing all these addresses into the history bin. So make sure you know the WHOLE truth before accusing someone of surfing porn. He may be guilty or then again it could be a spyware/adware problem. If you're not sure, easy way to fix it, reformat the computer and see what happens later.

[BumpyRide]

Although, quite rightly, the laws of this and many other lands state that any sexual contact between an adult and child is innapropriate, the heart of this question lies with the adult. If you find arousal viewing pictures of an innocent in a promiscous(sp) pose, then your problem lies in your childhood. It doesnt make you a monster, but, you must find a correction in this before it does become a problem. An innocent in a provocative pose portrays the most simbolic of sexual stimulus. If most of us look back to our childhood, we find a strong persuasion to become sexual at the earliest age we can. Stimuli of this type will take alot of people back to this most primal urge. This recreates some of the earliest, strongest sexual desires. If you act on these desires, you will only find that they are NOT satisfactory, and ONLY a bizarre creation of your fantasies. Although you find arousal through the pictures, you have grown into a healthy adult. Your satisfaction does not lie in a sexual relationship with a child, but in determining what has enticed you so much that you are finding a facination with this subject. If you look deeply into your childhood (who the hell wants to do that?) you might find an answer.

[a note]

it is a shame that people have now been brainwashed in a sense that women under 18 yo are not to be looked at. that is just what our society has programmed u 2 think.

 

a women begins her menstrual cycle around 13 yo and is ready to have children then.

 

it is a GOD given thing.

 

in other countries it is permissable for a women to marry at the age of 12 and begin a family and honestly i dont see anything wrong with that but many here that will read this will think or say differntly as they have again been brainwashed by our society and culture to think different and many who are normal everyday people as myself will not say a word