In the benefit of future second chances,

[spookie]

when we are both ready,

 

Is it best to let things be?

 

Or re-instate contact at the point friendship is feasible, with the intention of leaving open a door?

 

I need to know what to do. It'll be his birthday today. I wanted to call him.

 

It's been 7 months No Contact. I'm ready for friendship, though not yet another R.

[CaliGuy]

when we are both ready,

 

Is it best to let things be?

 

Or re-instate contact at the point friendship is feasible, with the intention of leaving open a door?

 

I need to know what to do. It'll be his birthday today. I wanted to call him.

 

It's been 7 months No Contact. I'm ready for friendship, though not yet another R.

 

After this long of NC, why do you want a friendship? What can he give you as a friend that you can not get from other people that you have not been in an intimate relationship with?

 

Honestly I think if you've gone this long you should really not desire a relationship with him anymore, friend or otherwise.

 

Focus your time and energy on new people and new relationships.

[e.clipse]

I'm ready for friendship, though not yet another R.

 

would it be more accurate to say that you want to establish a friendship with your exbf, in order to heighten the possibility of reconciling with him?

 

surely, there is no harm in that, but if that is your motive, then you don't want a real friendship with him; you're trying to find a way back in to his heart, as a SO not a friend.

 

also, haven't you already told him, months ago, that you wanted to be friends with him? didn't you write a letter (or something) telling him you accepted things and looked forward to the possibility of someday being friends?

 

unless i am confusing you with some else, it seems to me that you have already offered him your friendship and well, you can only offer your friendship to someone so many times, before it comes evident that they are not accepting it, for whatever reason.

 

if i were you, i'd send him a birthday card on his birthday, if only to placate my feelings. i wouldn't say anything that could be misconstrued as something mushy or romantic, but just a simple: "happy birthday, i hope you have a great one." after that, i'd just let things be and try to focus on well, anything besides him, really.

 

regardless of how much you love someone, spookie, there has to come a time when you ask yourself how much longer you are willing to slash your own heart.

[spookie]

I did send a letter, but the main part of that was that I was going NC and didn't want him contacting me. I expressed gratitude in the letter for the nice things he'd done for me, told him I wish we could be friends sometime in the future, and then I disappeared.

 

I'm just wondering if the time is ripe to reappear.

 

Either way after today I'm going to have regrets:

 

1. I call

- He is friendly and I am relieved

- He doens't pick up, he tells me he's busy, he acts like he's forgotten who I am, he tells me he's in a relationship = I will have regrets

2. I don't call: I will have regrets because this is the "in" I will have for another year. And at that point, *surely* it will be too late to reappear.

[spookie]

After this long of NC, why do you want a friendship? What can he give you as a friend that you can not get from other people that you have not been in an intimate relationship with?

 

Honestly I think if you've gone this long you should really not desire a relationship with him anymore, friend or otherwise.

 

Focus your time and energy on new people and new relationships.

 

I guess what I really want is not a friendship but to be on friendly terms. To have the kind of relationship where we look fondly upon the time we spent togehter (because, honestly, it was GOOD), the kind where, if we're in the same town, we'll visit, have coffee and catch up. I see a lot of couples managing this a while after their brekaups and it's something I would really, really like. I don't want him back right now (to say I never want hi back is a stretch, but this part is true) and I can handle him having moved on. The part I can't handle is him having forgotten me.

[spookie]

I called! And so far it feels ok.

 

I didn't mask my number and called during what is unquestionably dinnertime so that he wouldn't pick up.

 

I left this message:

 

Hey __, it's spookie. I'm calling to wish you a happy birthday. I know things left on kind of an awkward note between us but I would like if we could establish friendly terms before we both left this place. Anyway, hope you're having a great time. Bye!

 

I thought it was pretty good, even if my voice is sore because of a cold.

[cant let go]

spookie,

 

there is nothing wrong with the message that you have left for you ex. it was short and to the point. however, please be careful not to expect that he will call you back or try to make contact with you. i know there is a part of you that wants him to call, but chances are that he wont and you will need to be okay knowing that you might still not hear from him. continue to hang in there, you are doing well.

[spookie]

Thanks. You know, I am doing better. There haven't been tears, though I know he won't call back. I realize now I HAD to call, for myself. To show him I'm not angry.

[CaliGuy]

I guess what I really want is not a friendship but to be on friendly terms. To have the kind of relationship where we look fondly upon the time we spent togehter (because, honestly, it was GOOD), the kind where, if we're in the same town, we'll visit, have coffee and catch up. I see a lot of couples managing this a while after their brekaups and it's something I would really, really like. I don't want him back right now (to say I never want hi back is a stretch, but this part is true) and I can handle him having moved on. The part I can't handle is him having forgotten me.

 

The problem with this thought process is, yes in an ideal world it's great to be able to sit down and chat with an ex. Reality dictates however that some feelings will surface, our hopes will rise and more often than not, be shattered in the process and should things not work out the way we want them, we'll be back to square one.

 

Why not leave this goal behind and look forward to meeting someone new. Perhaps the RIGHT man for you? Seriously, once you do you'll forget about your ex and not want any kind of relationship with him. And I am sure you future man to be would appreciate you breaking things off as well

[CaliGuy]

Thanks. You know, I am doing better. There haven't been tears, though I know he won't call back. I realize now I HAD to call, for myself. To show him I'm not angry.

 

Be better, no bitter, I say