What was your breaking point to go NC?

[CallMeCrazy]

Today I came to a crossroads.... I knew things were going to get tough, but I decided I can't do it anymore.

 

I love my MM with all my heart, but I can't keep this up. He came over to my house at 6 am and woke me up, we were supposed to spend the whole day together. Instead he left at 11:30 because he was getting "nervous" about being away from his kids and family.

 

I'm tired of it. I want more. I deserve more. So, I sent him a VERY long, thoughtful and (I thought) classy e-mail which stated just that. I am tired of being there for him when it's convenient for him. Sure, he loves to get text messages from me, what "miserable" married guy wouldn't like to be texting someone new and exciting!?!?

 

I realized today (and have known this for a while now, just working to getting to this point and admitting it) that I'm done. If he wants to make an effort at our relationship once he's filed for divorce, I would welcome that opportunity to start a real relationship, but until that point ~ I can't do it anymore.

 

I know this is going to be hard. We work together, he's my boss.... I KNOW, I know... I'm so stupid for ever even crossing that line. I'm going to start looking for a new job this week and hopefully can quit by early 2008.

 

*I was just curious ~ for all the OW out there ~ what happened to you that made you go NC as well??*

 

I have to say it was hard, and I'm really sad because I know there is a chance this is it. However, I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I can't sit home another weekend while he goes out on dates with his W and parades around like his family is fine.... I have fallen for him and it's just too painful to put myself through anymore.

[PLAYBRAT]

CMC...

 

You are preaching to the choir on this one...I have been through this scenerio many many times.

 

I ALWAYS get/got frustrated during the weekends..when of course I never heard from him.This was when "reality" set in for me..and yes I would feel like an idiot for doing this.Then of course by Monday or Tuesday I would hear from him..like things were ok.Uhhhh hello????

Why didn't I hear from you ALL weekend??OHHH THAT's right..you were

wth your W...HOW STUPID of me!!!

 

I realized EVERY weekend it was worse and worse.......my resentment grew. Until he is NO longer married..THIS was going to be MY reality, whether I liked it or NOT. Guess what?? WE are not obligated to THEM..

we stay because we choose to.We have ALl the freedom to say NO MORE..and I think many OW fail to remember we are NOT victims.We have

TOTAL control...the MM just THINKS he does because we make him feel that way.

 

So the short answer is I went NC for the same EXACT reasons you did...

but that was best for me as I can now see things much more clearly.

[White Flower]

Today I came to a crossroads.... I knew things were going to get tough, but I decided I can't do it anymore.

 

I love my MM with all my heart, but I can't keep this up. He came over to my house at 6 am and woke me up, we were supposed to spend the whole day together. Instead he left at 11:30 because he was getting "nervous" about being away from his kids and family.

 

I'm tired of it. I want more. I deserve more.

*I was just curious ~ for all the OW out there ~ what happened to you that made you go NC as well??*

 

Hi CMC,

I always feel a sort of kindred spirit with you and even the timing of our ending the A is close.

 

I bolded the things I relate to. I guess you've been even luckier than me because I've never seen my guy as early as 6am. He lives far and we are lucky to see each other once a week if that for about 3 hours. And I hate it when he suddenly has to leave. It makes me feel like he's got to run back to mommy. (No disrespect to the BW).

 

I finally made my decision when I realized that I deserved more, too. I'm a wonderful woman. I let my H take me for granted for 25 years, then I turned around and let MM do the same. If MM were reading this now he might defend himself by saying that he's doing his best with the time that he has, but in the end I deserve a full time man. Deep down he knows this. And so do you. I am happy for you and support you in your decision. Go over to the thread "OW Challenge" and join our support group for breaker-uppers, lol.

 

The one thing I'll have trouble with is the NC thing. I'm very sentimental.

Good luck, CMC.

[nellstar]

It must be the holidays for me. I know he wants to be with me but that isn't possible. He has his kids and of course, wife. I won't be hearing from him for 2 weeks starting the 21st so I take it as that would be a good time to start NC. I know he would find every way possible to contact me during those holiday break but I can't take those short phone calls and in between secret text messages. I deserve so much more. I know he is making that happen but I don't know how long more I can wait. I have been crying for most days of the week, missing him and wanting more than what I am getting from him. That's what it does to you when you expect more than you know that person can offer but I can't help it.

[frannie]

CMC my feelings were more or less the same as yours when I decided I couldn't be in the affair any longer. Although we haven't gone NC this time, we're just not seeing each other or phoning or texting.

 

I think I said on the 'Challenge' thread (or somewhere!), that it was really waking up to the fact that none of us (me, him, W, and probably not the children either) were happy, and that it was madness to keep it going 'for the children', when he could equally well get a divorce and allow everyone to adjust to the aftermath. I just could no longer be a party to what was going on, and I thought he should sort things out rather than keep avoiding the issues.

 

But besides that, while we've had a very good relationship and good times together, it came to the end that I couldn't really enjoy spending time with him, and for months now I've been pulling away from him. I suppose this was just a natural process brought about by realising the above. I couldn't be close and intimate with someone who was misleading other people, and all I was doing was denying my own needs and compromising my own sense of what was the right thing to do.

 

So now, although I'm terribly sad about where we've ended up, I feel at the same time a sense of relief about it all, that the 'problem' of the children is back in his hands where it should have been all along, and that I'm acting in my own self-interest. So all in all while I miss him so much, I know that this is the right thing to do, for me.

[nadiaj2727]

Hi CMC, congratulations on deciding to go NC and become happier!! I know it's a hard thing to do but in the end you will feel very strong and proud of yourself, and much better off without (X!!!)MM.

 

Small things pushed me towards NC... finding this board and hearing from other women going through the same thing I was and realizing he was "using" me, thinking about what I needed/ wanted and realizing he wasn't meeting it. I didn't really know what NC was or how it could work until I found this board. But things HE did showed me that we needed to break up, before I started thinking about NC.

 

The big thing that made me realize a break-up was in order was that his wife went out of town on vacation, and he stayed at their house for a week (after they had "separated"/ he had moved out) and watched their dogs for her (and to be fair, she had watched all the dogs the whole time since he moved out in May and didn't take "his" dogs with him -- that should have shown me how serious he was(n't) about getting divorced, and eventually, when I finally woke up and thought about it, it did). He said he was doing it b/c he missed the house and dogs and he wanted to keep things peaceful with her (always his excuse). He asked my opinion and I said, that's crazy!!, why would you allows bonds to stay b/t the two of you if you are really getting divorced, why would you want to go back to that house and be sad instead of progress towards completely moving all your stuff out and having a life of your own, etc.?? But he did it anyway of course.

 

I began to think, wait a minute, he doesn't want to sever all marital ties, he wants to take care of things for her and be back at their house sometimes... I have no place in this picture, I need to exit stage left immediately! Every time I tried to tell him how I was tired of waiting and how I didn't want to MAKE him leave his wife, I thought he was going to do it on his own, he would tell me that he's waiting for her to file and she'll do it soon, he just needs me to wait another week or two. He said that several times, over several different weeks/ months (yes, I was very stupid for quite awhile), and I began to realize that waiting on him was just causing me a lot of pain, guilt, and confusion. I realized that NC was the only way out... it would free me from having to wonder what was REALLY going on and from being tied up in his mess any more. It was the best decision I've ever made, and I am so proud of you CMC for deciding to do it too. I'm here if you need to vent, cry, pat yourself on the back, yell with rage, etc.!!

 

Like you CMC, I also work with my xMM, he is my superior and that makes NC really really hard. I do have to have contact with him for work and he always tries to make small talk about personal things. It is really exhausting to try to limit it to just-necessary work stuff. I wish I could get a new job. I feel for you in that department, good luck!!

[IWALH]

My breaking point: The last time we spoke he told me he loved me, he was very sweet (albeit tired), and said he would come down and pick my daughter and me up and we'd all get a place up there and basically "live happy ever after." Then he said he would call the next day and never did. I could have called him, but something inside told me that it was all a lie and if he was telling the truth then he would call me like he said he would. I waited a few days for him to call and he never did. So I never attempted to either. I changed my number (actually got a new phone and cell phone plan all together), blocked his and his wife's email addresses, and made it virtually impossible for him to contact me.

 

Over the few days that I waited for him to call I had realization after realization and I woke up/grew up A LOT. I "broke the window," so to speak (http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/fionaapple/window.html). I was sick of being so out of tune with reality and wanted to join the real world again, you know?

 

I now have absolutely no desire to see nor contact him in any way. I feel so silly for believing him and putting my trust in him. He was a con-man. And I fell for it all.

 

So that's basically it. My breaking point was when I realized I was being played and didn't want it to continue. I picked myself and my dignity up off of the floor and walked away forever. Yep.

[confuseddd]

Yeah, well, it ended for me when my single guy moved his NEW girlfriend into his house and still carried on with me like it was NOTHING! YES, I know I am married. BUT....I feel I am at the end of my marriage and he is at the BEGINNING of SOMETHING by moving her in...WOW, what a creep.