alleyken Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 Okay, I am new here. I began a relationship with a woman this spring/summer. She is married. From the start she told me it was over, they didn't share a bed, etc. Shortly after we started seeing each other he moved out. They have a little girl. She told me throughout the summer that she was going to move to her parents, but did not. Then, in the fall she agreed to have him move back in for about a week but didn't tell me. He called and said that she was telling him that she was telling me that they were trying to get back together but I wouldn't leave her alone. Not true. I had no idea any of that was going on until one of her friends told me about it later. At any rate, she moved in with her folks after a rather violent episode with her husband. She has been there for about a month and a half. We are quite serious. We talk about our future, moving in together, having children, etc. I got her all the paperwork to file for divorce, but she has not. She continues to communicate with her husband. I don't exactly know about what, but they do have a child together. We made plans for her to go to my parents for Christmas. But, she backed out last week saying it was too much on her daughter. (We hadn't decided whether to take her, but I do not think she had made any arrangements with her husband to watch her daughter.) She certainly had not told him about our trip. He obviously knows about me, but no where near the seriousness of our relationship. I am feeling insecure and a bit like a fool in this whole thing. Why hasn't she filed for divorce? Why does she seem so believable when we talk about a future, but she doesn't take the steps to get past her past? I am really struggling with how to discuss these issues with her, but it is tearing me up inside and really affecting how I feel in the relationship. Any thoughts or advice. ...
whichwayisup Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 Boy, she has put you through the ringer and you keep sticking around lapping it up. She isn't divorced because she doesn't want to be, it's that plain and simple. She is going to do what is best for her and her child always, and because she is not being honest with you or her husband (she threw you under the bus making it seem like you were preventing her from fixing her marriage) life is going to be this way for a long time! UNLESS you tell her goodbye and leave her alone. Go no contact! Tell her to call you once the divorce is completely finalized. Until then, cut her out of your life. Go on with your life... You also seem abit too involved in her marriage, I mean, it isn't really your place to push her for a divorce, let alone get the paperwork for the D. You may really love her but she is treating you like crap! Don't put up with it, she's being selfish and not really caring what this is doing to you, so for your own sanity, get away from her... Sorry to sound harsh, but the chances of her leaving and actually divorcing are slim to none. People also need time between relationships, she has a child to think of, let alone some emotional stuff she's going to have to deal with and selling the house, dealing with inlaws, financial stuff...That is, if she divorces. Do a site search on oyster, ratingsguy, bonehead. All OM who were involved with MW.
JamesM Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 Sorry to sound harsh, but the chances of her leaving and actually divorcing are slim to none. People also need time between relationships, she has a child to think of, let alone some emotional stuff she's going to have to deal with and selling the house, dealing with inlaws, financial stuff...That is, if she divorces. Do a site search on oyster, ratingsguy, bonehead. All OM who were involved with MW. Excellent advice. I had many of your words at the tip of my tongue, but when I saw that you had posted WWWIU, I knew you would say most of them. All I will add is some links to help you understand what your situation is and may lead to. Ratingsguy has an interesting story..... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/member.php?u=34983 Begin by clicking on "Find all threads....". Read each one so that you get an idea of his story. It starts out good and seems to have ended rather badly. We did not hear from him all summer long. Now based on his last post on Nov 7, he seems to have found a single woman. Here is oyster's link. Again read his threads for a good idea of what OMs experience with MWs. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/member.php?u=34849 And no, WWIU was not calling YOU a bonehead , even if she thinks you are heading that direction. Here is a link to his story.... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/member.php?u=34177 Good luck in your situation. If after reading all of these stories you have questions, then I know you will receive plenty of good advice here.
norajane Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 She hasn't filed for divorce because she doesn't want to. It's really as simple as that. People who want to get a divorce, FILE. Nothing stops them, nothing stands in their way, they do it - IF that is what they want. All the talk about a future with you, is just that, talk. It makes her feel better to know she has a place to go and someone to fall back on if her marriage ends. Clearly, she isn't taking the steps to get a divorce, so unless her husband does, you are just her fall-back. Also, keep in mind, that as long as you are there as her fall-back, it makes it much easier for her to STAY in her current situation. She has you to have fun with and do things with, and that enables her to deal with her current situation without any sense of urgency. If you really want to know if she'll get a divorce, tell her you can't see her anymore until she is divorced. And if she never gets one, then you'll at least have moved on and not wasted any more of your life waiting around for her.
frannie Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 Hello alleyken. I'm afraid I have to agree with the others who have posted in that I think the chances of her leaving are slim. She's obviously not being up front with you. My guess (and it's jmho) based on reading similar stories to yours is that she sees you as her back-up man, someone to give her emotional and perhaps practical support. But that she's probably too far involved with her 'abusive' husband to think of leaving, no matter how much damage is done, or how much she claims to want out. It is very difficult to be in the position you are in, trying to help someone who says they want out, but does exactly the opposite. Has she had any counselling about any of this?
Gwyneth Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 Sounds like she is in an abusive marraige but is having a hard time getting out of it. Plus she has a daugther with him and may be terrified of being a single mom for several reasons. I say be patient with her and give her time and space. She has to put her daughter first no matter what--you need to understand that. She has to choose her daughter over you for the holidays--you need to understand that too. If it means spending the holiday with her daughter and husband, then that is what it will have to be. Patience.
Chrome Barracuda Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 Sounds like she is in an abusive marraige but is having a hard time getting out of it. Plus she has a daugther with him and may be terrified of being a single mom for several reasons. I say be patient with her and give her time and space. She has to put her daughter first no matter what--you need to understand that. She has to choose her daughter over you for the holidays--you need to understand that too. If it means spending the holiday with her daughter and husband, then that is what it will have to be. Patience. You actually believe that garbage she is saying to this dude??!?! WTF? She's a liar like most MW/MM is stop rationalizing it! If the husband was so abusive she would have called the cops and left or something along those lines! She's lying to this dude. And you want to know what, he's dumb enough to believe the garbage out of her mouth he deserves everything he's gonna get the minute the husband finds out about him! God it's so sick...Gwyen, it's pathetic.
Author alleyken Posted December 3, 2007 Author Posted December 3, 2007 Just to be clear, her husband does know about me. Also, she did get a restraining order against him. Although she seems to ignore its terms as she feels appropriate. Her husband is quite unstable and has only seen their daughter a half dozen times in the last two months. I appreciate the responses and advice. I am trying to give her her space and let things shake out the way they may. She is starting a new job today, which should keep her busy. I just need to step back and let her work things out and not hang on her desires. The hardest part is letting go, which I am sure many of you understand...
stillafool Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 I agree with the others also. She is just using you for comfort while she is going through marital problems. If she didn't still have feelings for her H she wouldn't have let him move in for a week. You know they had sex no matter what she says. Her not wanting to go to your parents at Christmas - well that would be the perfect time to kind of solidfy your relationship but she doesn't want to get that serious. WWIU is right, she needs time after her marriage to heal before she starts talking about marriage with you. I agree, go NC on her.
Blue Eyed Brain Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 Just to be clear, her husband does know about me. Also, she did get a restraining order against him. Although she seems to ignore its terms as she feels appropriate. Her husband is quite unstable and has only seen their daughter a half dozen times in the last two months. I appreciate the responses and advice. I am trying to give her her space and let things shake out the way they may. She is starting a new job today, which should keep her busy. I just need to step back and let her work things out and not hang on her desires. The hardest part is letting go, which I am sure many of you understand... AlleyKen, I disagree with the others, respectfully. There are tons of reasons why people that want a divorce, don't get one. Only she knows why. Talk to her about it and tell her what you want and ask her what she wants. If you want/love her than stick it out until you feel comfortable. Please don't give ultimatiums because it will end up hurting you. How many times did we say we were going to do something and we don't? Doesn't make us a bad person. There's too much gray matter for everything to be black and white, especially when it comes to relationships. What do you want? Obtainable? Unobtainable? Who do you want it with? If it's with her, then you'll have to wait, if you can't wait, then let her go. Always remember: It's not where they are at, it's where they want to be that matters most......
Gwyneth Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 You actually believe that garbage she is saying to this dude??!?! WTF? She's a liar like most MW/MM is stop rationalizing it! If the husband was so abusive she would have called the cops and left or something along those lines! She's lying to this dude. And you want to know what, he's dumb enough to believe the garbage out of her mouth he deserves everything he's gonna get the minute the husband finds out about him! God it's so sick...Gwyen, it's pathetic. I don't give a flying duck whether she is being honest to him, I'm just saying In general, women tend to become weak when they love an abusive man. I'm giving him a general answer, not a specific answer.
writeon Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 Always remember: It's not where they are at, it's where they want to be that matters most...... Hi AlleyKen, I completely disagree with this quote. It's where someone IS that matters most. The person who says they love you should be with you, not with someone else. Love is about actions, not words, not wishful thinking... I'm sorry but I don't think she truly loves you or she wouldn't be giving you all of these excuses to not be with you for good, and she wouldn't have thrown you under the bus to her husband. Always remember: it's not what they SAY they WANT to do that's important, it's what they're actually DOING.
JamesM Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 There are tons of reasons why people that want a divorce, don't get one. Only she knows why. Please don't give ultimatiums because it will end up hurting you. Who do you want it with? If it's with her, then you'll have to wait, if you can't wait, then let her go. Always remember: It's not where they are at, it's where they want to be that matters most...... While I disagree with some of what you say, I agree that there are some things that would hinder a divorce. If her husband is unstable or abusive, then this would be a good reason. And I agree..no ultimatums. Telling her that you will wait is not an ultimatum. Telling her that if she doesn't divorce soon (or by setting a date) is an ultimatum. If you want to wait because she is the one, then by all means do so. But if you read the links to other OMs, then you will see that MW may not choose their current OM when they finally do divorce. Always remember: It's not where they are at, it's where they want to be that matters most Actually, this is true in the sense that looking at her situation now is not necessarily where she will be in a few weeks. But you need to let her make that journey to where SHE wants to be, and when she gets there, you can be waiting for her. Then SHE will make the choice if she still wants you. It matters most where she wants to be, but what she thinks she wants now is not necessarily what she will actually want when she gets out of her marriage. So, while you may be patient and wait, her decision may not be what you want it to be.
frannie Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 If the husband was so abusive she would have called the cops and left or something along those lines! She's lying to this dude. I'm sorry, but it's just not that simple. If she really is in an abusive relationship its very unlikely that she'll just call the cops or walk out of the door, quite the reverse in fact. People don't become abusive overnight, nor are they that way at first. They're usually incredibly different at the beginning, and the abused person has a really hard time in separating out the 'real' from the untrue, and spend a lot of the time thinking it's their fault and that things can be fixed if only they knew how, and can become like it was in the beginning. Which is why I asked whether she'd had any counselling.
Author alleyken Posted December 3, 2007 Author Posted December 3, 2007 I feel the need to explain a little more. She has left him. She did call the police. She does have a restraining order. She has told him about me and told him about the time we spend together, just not the extent of our feelings. The relationship was abusive. And, knowing her the way I know her, it is surprising that she would find herself in an abusive relationship. But, I think that kind of thing may creep into your consciousness. She does feel responsible for him and guilty for "breaking up their marriage" and still puts up with a lot of his sh*t, which I don't understand. The bigger issue from my perspective isn't just that she may eventually not choose to be with me after the divorce, but that by sticking around and going through all this I have undermined my trust and belief in her to such an extent that I will not be able to make it work. I really do love her and I really believe she could be the one for me, but the foundation of any relationship is trust and because of the circumstances we may not have the ability to build that kind of foundation. Probably happens in a lot of these types of relationships. Very few probably end up anything long term. That being the case do I walk away or do I just limit my feelings and enjoy it for what it is, a good friendship with sex?
writeon Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 I feel the need to explain a little more. She has left him. She did call the police. She does have a restraining order. She has told him about me and told him about the time we spend together, just not the extent of our feelings. The relationship was abusive. And, knowing her the way I know her, it is surprising that she would find herself in an abusive relationship. But, I think that kind of thing may creep into your consciousness. She does feel responsible for him and guilty for "breaking up their marriage" and still puts up with a lot of his sh*t, which I don't understand. The bigger issue from my perspective isn't just that she may eventually not choose to be with me after the divorce, but that by sticking around and going through all this I have undermined my trust and belief in her to such an extent that I will not be able to make it work. I really do love her and I really believe she could be the one for me, but the foundation of any relationship is trust and because of the circumstances we may not have the ability to build that kind of foundation. Probably happens in a lot of these types of relationships. Very few probably end up anything long term. That being the case do I walk away or do I just limit my feelings and enjoy it for what it is, a good friendship with sex? Alleyken, Do you want "a good friendship with sex" with a married woman whom you recognize may never leave her husband, and whom you say you might not be able to respect even if she did? If this is what you truly want, then by all means, have at it... but I propose that there is a happier way of life than this for you. If you want a fulfilling relationship with her or anyone at all, please get out of this situation. If she divorces him and you can respect her, you can date her. If not, you are better off alone, until you find a single woman you do respect.
whichwayisup Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 So, you could be her exit affair... Writeon is right, you need to decide what YOU want out of this. I mean, if settling for a woman who is married, about to (maybe) leave her abusive marriage, aka she'll have TONS of emotional baggage due to the abuse, then stick around, rescue her, try to fix her...Settle for less. The thing is, somewhere along the way, you've lost your own self respect. You want a real go of things? Leave her be for a year, then date, take it slowly...Atleast by doing that, it's starting off on an honest footing.
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