My plan of action after she left me.

[Summer_guy_uk]

I will be documenting what I go through these next few months and how I plan to fix my relationship/situation.

 

The story so far...

 

Me and my partner (24, 22) had a break for 2 weeks, then she called it off her main reason being we both have issues we need to fix (I need to re-stablish my focus and not be an unemployed loser, she needs to fix her anxiety and get her career on track.

 

So far we've had a friendly few drinks and she has remained resolute on her feelings.

 

I love her so much and I want her back but I know if things stay the same she will never want me back.

The real reason maybe that we just ran our course, it's said that after 1.5-2 years the chemicals and stimulus your brain feels about a partner shifts from lust to long-term goals and maybe she just didn't see things working out.

 

Whatever the reason, I have a firm belief that I can change things for the better.

 

The damage so far.

 

3 friendly drinks (Day of breakup, then the following weekend x2).

A little desperate at times during conversation.

 

The Plan.

 

1) Initially - Sort myself out, limit contact to delayed replies. Be happy to hear from her but keep it short and sweet.

Do not meet her in person.

Do not initialise contact until step 2.

 

2) 1 month in - Start dating, occupy my time with fun things. Let her know that I'm dating but still show interest in her.

Plan to have a quick coffee and let her know about my adventures.

Be flirty and spontaneous, dont mention my feelings but be very nice and flattering.

 

3) Month 2 - Same as step 2. Remember to always reply to questions such as "Did you miss me?" with the same question before answering.

Ensure she is thinking about me in a good light and is slightly jealous of the attention I'm receiving.

 

4) Month 3 - Same as previous, but start to lessen contact.

 

5) Month 4 - Either:

 

a) I will initiate a conversation with my ex which will lead us to meeting eachother and discussing how we feel about giving things another try.

b) I will be over my ex and can move on with my life.

 

I will follow this thoroughly and should we get back together I will ensure that the same situation does not arrise, if it does, I will return here

 

I know some people recommend no contact, but in this situation and circumstance such a thing could work against me.

 

Flaws in the plan

1) My biggest concern is upon my entering of the dating scene she will have a negative reaction instead of a jealous one.

This could lead her to dating herself and claiming us to never be, or simply jumping into bed with another man who I'm not currently aware of. (My ex is very attractive and athletic looking).

 

2) Another issue is that some people say that keeping in contact never lets them miss you.

I feel this to be untrue, I see the purpose of NC as being more benificial to the dumpee as a way of moving on.

I will be attempting the "Im getting on with my life but will let you have a glimpse into it every now and then to keep me on your mind in a positive way".

 

3) I may get to step 5 and then not get the desired result, re-opening old wounds.

 

If things go horribly wrong, I will document it here so that others can learn through my mistakes.

If I do succeed I will of course post, no matter the outcome!

Summary

 

This is a collaberation of thoughts and points of view amongst yourselves and several of my girly mates (Who do not know my partner) and a few "get your ex back" sites.

 

I am not taking it from a point by point source, I feel I have tailored this for the specific needs of the current circumstances.

 

I'm very interested in what people have to say about this approach and my idea. :)

[kymberann]

I say god luck. If it works it works, if it does not then one day you will know!

[Mylife]

i say that u first try and work on the reason that u broke up...as in u said ur unemployment...rather than trying to win her back by dating other people...any woman wants a man that is employed...and stable and can see that he wil continue to be stable...

 

try to find employment...in tht time keep some contact with her and show her that you r trying to get ur career life back on track...she will really appreciate the fact that u r trying

[dutchie]

i say that u first try and work on the reason that u broke up...as in u said ur unemployment...rather than trying to win her back by dating other people...any woman wants a man that is employed...and stable and can see that he wil continue to be stable...

 

try to find employment...in tht time keep some contact with her and show her that you r trying to get ur career life back on track...she will really appreciate the fact that u r trying

 

I completely agree with mylife.

 

Get your act together AND THEN try to win her over.

[oppath]

I will go on record and state that if you do get her back, it will have nothing to do with your plan. As long as you aren't whimpering like a little girl for her back, getting her back is largely up to her.

 

Implement a plan for you, for you to become a better person, but that should be the motivation, not her.

 

there's not much point in documenting it and saying "this worked" because the sample size is too small. And what happens in step 5 when she has a BF she has been dating for 4 months? I'm not trying to deflate you, just do those things for you. No need to burn bridges, but you should be moving on as well as you can.

[desertguy]

I don't know about making a big detailed plan with timetables in it. I would keep it simple, go NC, and if she contacts you, take it slow, and see how things go, and if this is really what you want. Big detailed plans hardly work out that well for anything in life, because, well, life is unpredictable. I mean this in a constructive way, try to get out and start doing other things, rather than using a lot of energy trying to figure out all the details right now.

[Summer_guy_uk]

No plan remains intact, I'm certainly not going to etch it in stone!

 

These are in addition to fixing my own problems (I've already had a couple of job interviews and phoned for driving lessons) and I'm eating healthily and working out a lot.

 

I was just hoping to create a thread where other people in a similar situation can grasp a little hope and know that if they can change things for the better things will work out.

 

In addition, I may not feel like going out on dates this is the plan but it's not a requirement, I can just as easily spend time with some girly mates instead.

[Summer_guy_uk]

***[update]***

 

We've had a few drinks after she called in the last 2 weeks.

She was very interested about a girl who was texting me and what I've been up to.

 

She commented on how good I look in my new clothes and asked if I has been working out (I have).

 

We left after about 3 hours of normal chat.

 

After she wanted to hug me goodbye after I gave her a "hand on shoulder" goodbye.

 

I txted her a few days ago saying we should have a drink b4 new year and talk about things, she replied agreeing that she was definatley up for that and she texted again 20 minutes after saying basically the same thing after I didn't text her back straight away.

[Freddy]

I think everyone has a plan in their own head and I personally think it's a good idea. I just hope your ready if she doesn't come around. Good luck!

[kitkat289]

I would just like to add something to your STEP-1.

The best thing you can do while following this plan is doing things THAT MAKE YOU FEEL PROUD,that earn a lot of respect in her eyes rather than her feeling jealous most of the time.

What if you just focus on career,home some other things like social work and keep her u pdated with the productive things that you are now involved in.It would be such a great idea when she's attracted to you for the person you are and not for any negative things like jealousy(remember she could protect her heart by dating someone seriously if she thinks like "may be I wasnt that special to him as I thought I was" since you are dating.)

Why not let her see the other part of you which isnt about dating,having fun but that tells her how sincere you culd become in life.Make her realise that during all this past 2 years this is something that she didnt know!

 

And hey do keep posting frequently.Iam kind of in the same situation.Good luck!

[Summer_guy_uk]

Thanks Kitkat.

 

I genuinely belived her when she told me she had to sort herself/ourselves out.

I no there's no other man involved.

I'm still doing my own thing focusing on new job etc.

 

The plan now is to leave her alone a little bit and see if she calls b4 xmas/new year.

 

If not, then I guess I'll move on.

[Summer_guy_uk]

She called me up last night and asked if I wanted to go for a drink.

I said no but said I could do something tommorow (tonight).

She agreed we talked for a bit then said goodbye.

 

She called me today, says she misses me and want's us to talk about things.

I said we'll take things as they come and go for a quiet drink somewhere.

 

Im just getting myself ready now

[82knightrider]

I will go on record and state that if you do get her back, it will have nothing to do with your plan. As long as you aren't whimpering like a little girl for her back, getting her back is largely up to her.

 

Implement a plan for you, for you to become a better person, but that should be the motivation, not her.

 

there's not much point in documenting it and saying "this worked" because the sample size is too small. And what happens in step 5 when she has a BF she has been dating for 4 months? I'm not trying to deflate you, just do those things for you. No need to burn bridges, but you should be moving on as well as you can.

I agree with this.Just move on. Im in the similar situation.Ive finally realized its best to move on.You say you got new clothes and this and that and now shes more into you?I wouldnt want to be with someone that didnt stick around through the bad times.But thats just my opinion. Good luck

[Summer_guy_uk]

Half of our relationship I was unemployed, I'll say she stuck around during hard times.

 

She had genuine personal reasons for leaving after our break.

 

NOW:

 

We met for drinks last night and she was genuinly happy to see me.

 

She kept talking about us even though I didn't bring it up or keep to the topic.

 

She broke down in tears saying it was her fault and she's sorry about how things happened.

 

She hugged me several times when she saw me and many times through out the drinks saying she missed me.

 

She tried to kiss me at one point but I moved away because it didn't feel appropriate.

 

We spent 4 hours out talking about things like back when we first started dating and she kept mentioning things about me.

 

She's asked to see me on her next day off, I agreed.

 

P.S.

 

For those of you saying this thread is pointless; perhaps we could get 10 couples and put them in a series of laboratories yes?

 

This is a small glimmer of hope for anyone else in a similar situation.

[82knightrider]

I like this thread because im in a very similar situation .But now I would rather get over than be with her. I truly want to be with her but me always being around didnt ignite no sparks. No matter what I did.

If we still want a chance I think (for me at least) the best thing is to leave her alone for a long time and concentrate on our careers . And not see them until your 100% confident in yourself

 

Oh,I was unemployed for most of our relationship also and I think that got her thinking all these bad thoughts .During our break up she always mentioned why didnt you work hard for me b4 blah blah blah. And I cant blame her . She didnt feel special or secure .So she left me. If its meant to be you guys will bump somewhere down the road.I think your best chance i getting her back is leaving her alone and focusing on yourself....

[someone3434]

Summer,

 

As someone who had a very similar experience..I have to tell you to be careful.

 

My ex of 4 months was telling me about a month ago how great I looked in my new clothes, how much weight I had lost, telling her friends she was thinking about getting back together with me, asked me out to the movies etc. The next day her friends and my friends met downtown for drinks at a bar. She ended up leaving with a guy that she met at the bar.

 

She may not be seeing anyone but that should be a red flag to you. You are a convenience and no one deserves to be that way. That may not be your case but just tread lightly. Hope things work out for you.

[oppath]

The problem is not that you are hanging out with her or wanting her back, it's that you created an elaborate plan that will not be what is responsible for her coming back. In fact, it's pretty obsessive to come up with such a plan; it's outright irrational. If she comes back, your plan is not the reason.

 

Good for you that she is paying you some attention. Nonetheless, tread carefully.

[Summer_guy_uk]

Hey gang, just a quick update

 

We've had several drinks since the last time I posted.

Each time we've been very flirty but nothing physical.

 

I started dating about a month ago and when I told her she kind of went quiet and said she was upset etc.

She said she still hoped there was a future for us.

 

I've seen her a few times since and she's really beaming when she see's me and is really interested about what I'm doing, my latest interview etc.

 

She has said again that she's not dating and if she did it would be with me. She said if I find someone I really like I should let her know becuse she'd need to know if their wasn't any more chance.

 

I'm staying very active, I'm starting to look very slim and getting slightly muscular from my regime (grrr etc) and I feel really confident.

 

I'm thinking when febuary comes around I will ask her out on a date on Valentiens day.

 

If she says no to that then I'll no where I stand I guess?

 

I remain hopeful, but I'm also in a place now where if she said no I could handle it pretty well and carry on.

 

Thanks all for your help and support over these hard times it's really helped

[Summer_guy_uk]

Also,

Recently she came to pick up some important documents of hers, she was very pleasent/pleased to see me as usual.

She has a lot of stuff here in the cupboards bagged up but every time I say if she wants to take any of the other stuff she always says "no I'll leave that here for another time if that's ok?"

 

I think that's a good sign, am I wrong?

[CalamitousJane]

It's a sign she wants to keep a foot in your door.

 

My ex left a whole bunch of stuff here, including a very nice bicycle. That was more than two years ago. A couple days ago he mentioned that I might like to look at a book of his that he left here - he thought he knew exactly where it was.

 

I told him casually that I'd cleaned up, and that all of his stuff was now in boxes in the basement. He didn't say anything for a minute, but I could feel how shocked he was. Since then he's been calling almost every day, making sure that foot's still in the door, I guess.

 

Problem is, I don't want just a foot, and as long as his is in the door, I can't get cozy with a real man in here. I should probably stop picking up when he calls.

 

The sooner you get her stuff out of there, the sooner she'll have to deal with the reality that you're not always going to be waiting around for her.

[Summer_guy_uk]

Maybe I should ask her to come pick up the rest of her stuff?

Not sure how to word such a message though.

 

1) Hey xxx, I was just wondering if you could come grab your stuff sometime?

 

2) Hey xxx, Can you grab your stuff sometime soon theres quite a lot?

 

3) xxx can you grab the rest of your stuff please, it's been a while since we broke up now so be nice to have things all sorted.

 

Suggestions?

[SorrowfulChick]

I would just tell her to stop wasting your time and throw her stuff out on the porch, sounds like she's playing with your head.

[CalamitousJane]

I would just tell her to stop wasting your time and throw her stuff out on the porch, sounds like she's playing with your head.

 

Well, I'd say it really sweetly, but yeah. Pack it up, get it out of your main living area, and tell her if she wants it she should come get it soon otherwise you'll put it out on the street. When she comes by have a friend with you to keep you from getting sentimental.

 

Be totally nice and totally happy the whole time. Even if it has no effect on her, you'll feel good about how you did it.

 

It will probably shake her up some.

[Summer_guy_uk]

Well I called her and asked her.

She went kinda quiet for about 3 seconds then said "Oh ok, I'll pick it up tommorow if thats ok?".

 

I won't get all emotional when shes here lol I'm not that needy.

[Jerome84]

Don't say anything to her, just put all her stuff in a nice box and mail it to her, the emphasis here is for you not to come in contact with her, also you will look more gentlemanly (or *********-ish, which ever you prefer)