I Think Its Time For Me To Go

[Confused Mum of 2]

This may go on a while but i feel i need to give a little of the background info before i can accept advice.

 

I met my husband when we were 15 in highschool, we dated, we moved in together we had a child, he joined the army, we got married, we moved to the other side of the country, we had another child ( while he was in Iraq), and now we are back in our home city where we started from.

 

NOw at 24yrs old after 5 years of emotional and pyshical abuse, 3 months of counscelling, 12 months on andti-depressants to try and curb my panic attacks, my threats and attempting to leave and to top it off an emotional affair with a bloke thats 15 years older than me that i work closely to, I think it is time to call it quits.

 

Since we started the counscelling 3 months ago my H hasnt been abusive at all. In fact he has been very well behaved, nice to me, great with the kids, helpful and mindful of my feelings etc etc. Only problem is, i have no feelings of love or lust or anything for him anymore except a father to my children. i have tried so hard to find the love again, there was once a time i loved him so much it hurt inside, now i couldnt care less if he were around me or not ( actually i prefer not as sometimes when he touches me it makes my skin crawl)

 

We have had sex about 6 times in that last 3 months all 6 times of which i was drunk if not tipsy first, i think as a way of loosening up a bit. I think i am just scared of his reactions if i go, i dont want to wreck his career or take the kids away from their father but i just dont love this man anymore, and i honestly feel like i have given it all i have got. I have forgiven all past abuse, i have believed the apologies and the promises of it never re-occuring, i have been to therapy on my own and with him, i have taken medication for over a year to help with the depression and anxiety, and it just feels like whatever i do i cant seem to ever be happy with this person, could it be that we are just not meant to be together?

 

I am so confused and scared, we are planned to go interstate to my parents place for christmas and with that being only a few weeks away i dont want to wreck christmas for everyone, would it be wise to hold off until in the new year? or is that totally wrong too, i just dont know, someone please offer some advice i really need some.

[noturtypicalwife]

I'm not much of an advisor here, actually I am with you. I have not been physically abused by this man, but emotionally, and he is in complete denial of it. Actually sence he doesn't say much I can only assume he thinks I am crazy. I have two kids as well and although my mom is looking foward to us coming up for the holidays, I haven't even got it in me to shop decorate nothing. I feel miserable, alone, and worthless, I have no idea how to leave, I wonder if I am going to be o.k, I know this is not advice, but sometimes it helps to know your not alone.

[Confused Mum of 2]

You are so right it does help to have someone else who knows exactly what i am talking about and feeling. all of my friends and family so far that know there is anything wrong and know that we have been in counscelling all say, "you need to give it your best" or my personal fav this was by my mum "you need to take the kids out of the equation and look at just the two of you, think of nothing else but the 2 of you and then asks yourself if it will work" alot easier said than done, the kids adore him and i would feel like the wicked witch of the west if i broke up my family, but what other option does that leave me? staying in a loveless marriage and being miserable for the rest ofmy life just so that the rest of them are kept out of harms way!!!!

 

I tell you this mother guilt is a powerful feeling to have. I am so sick of everyone saying to me you need to do this or that, i know in my gut what i need to do its just actually doing it that terrifies me.