bluepoppy Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 had row with b/f of two and a half years this weekend. We are members of a mountaineering club - and it was the clubs annual dinner this weekend about 70 people go. On the drive to the mountains by b/f drove much more erractically than usual. The weather was bad and he drove at 115 miles per hour. He tail-gated cars at 80 to get them to move out of the way. In heavy rain He over took on corners He skidded and nearly missed a wall. He then over-took someone on a mountain pass. When we got to the hut, I tried to tell him how terrified I was (we had two passengers in the back one of who said 'this is like being inside the scariest movie ever.' It was frightening. There is a trade off when you car share - if you drive on your own, do what you want, when with other people - they have to be comfortable - they share the cost of the petrol. He's a stubborn person and refused to appologise for the driving. I said that if he didn't I would get myself and the other passengers out of the car, and into other cars. He said fine. So I did. And everyone got to hear about the scary ride. and I arranged for the three of us in the car to go in other cars. We had a conversation the next day when we were very calm and he realised that everyone was sympathising with me - he did get angry - no one will want to drive with me, and if I can't car share I won't be able to afford the things I want to. He then started to use the holiday we've booked for Christmas as a chip, saying he'll have to economise elsewhere and won't go on the holiday we've booked. Anyway he did tell the other girls in the car he wouldn't drive so fast on the way back - and he didn't it was a lot safer. But he's very angry with me, for critising his driving, for airing laundry in public. I sent a good night text to him and he sent a rather short one back, so I called him. He's angry, saying that I've tried to distroy him, that I don't understand him or what he's about, and that he joined a club not to find someone to f**k (that's how he phrased it, not even a girlfriend) - I ask him if he's spilting up with me - and he said yes he's thinking of it, as after more than two years, I don't get him and he claims I'm in love with the image of him, not him. I ending the call, saying it's late, maybe we should sleep and talk in a few days. He responded, see you're telling me what to do again. My response no, I'm about to brust into tears and I want to end this phone call with a little dignity, so the it's late is an excuse. The thing is, although he is stubborn as hell - I do love him, and as relationships go, I've have had more fun with him than anyone I've ever been with but resolving problems with him is hard because he won't acknowledge when he's wrong at all _ it's not ok to frighten your girlfriend with your driving. And I know today he doesn't love me, today he is angry with me, but other days he has really deeply. Ok - so maybe it was wrong to air it all out - but I didn't know what else to do, he wouldn't back down or acknowledge anything. All couples have dissagreements - no two people anywhere every will not have problems, but it's how to deal with the disagreements. And don't know what to do with this one.
whichwayisup Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 As much as you love him, it seems you two are not a good match. He's stubborn and disrespectful, and he obviously has some things he isn't too fond of about you. All in all maybe it's time to let go of him, heal and move on. Not a healthy happy relationship, that's for sure, maybe it was in the beginning but from what you've said, there seems to be ALOT of pent up resentment and anger going on.
Author bluepoppy Posted December 3, 2007 Author Posted December 3, 2007 Darn - you know that's not the message I really want. Does it always have to come to that - you get to a point where you argue one to many times and it's just easier to find a new person to argue with ? I want to hear about how people hit rough patches and then get through it.
Kamille Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 I sent a good night text to him and he sent a rather short one back, so I called him. He's angry, saying that I've tried to distroy him, that I don't understand him or what he's about, and that he joined a club not to find someone to f**k (that's how he phrased it, not even a girlfriend) - I ask him if he's spilting up with me - and he said yes he's thinking of it, as after more than two years, I don't get him and he claims I'm in love with the image of him, not him. I ending the call, saying it's late, maybe we should sleep and talk in a few days. He responded, see you're telling me what to do again. My response no, I'm about to brust into tears and I want to end this phone call with a little dignity, so the it's late is an excuse. The thing is, although he is stubborn as hell - I do love him, and as relationships go, I've have had more fun with him than anyone I've ever been with but resolving problems with him is hard because he won't acknowledge when he's wrong at all _ it's not ok to frighten your girlfriend with your driving. And I know today he doesn't love me, today he is angry with me, but other days he has really deeply. What do you mean, today you know he doesn't love you? Is that your interpretation or something he makes you feel when he is angry at you? If so, that is emotional manipulation. In healthy relationships, love and feeling loved is not dependant on whether or not the two of you are happy or angry. Getting through disagreements is a lot easier if you feel that both partners want what's best for the relationship and therefore each other. Also, it worries me that you're the one who's on here looking for advice on how to make it better. When you fight, does he meet you halfway? OR do you find yourself doing most of the 'caring work'? The thing is, we can give you plenty of advice on how to communicate better, but he has to want it too. Does he?
Author bluepoppy Posted December 3, 2007 Author Posted December 3, 2007 I guess I don't feel like I'm loved when someone is angry with me - that may be more me than him - He does meet half-way but only when he doesn't have to admit it. So the drive back he didn't go above 95 (I'd told him I feel unsafe when he drives over 100) - so he will do things without admiting it - more action than words type. The last row we had was in September - and we did have a long chat afterwards and it's been a lovely few months - and we've managed to have that balance right of spending time with each other, spending time with others, doing our outdoor stuff (together and separate) - he's even helped me re-decorate my house. Here there are two points - when the car skidded my side was headed towards a wall, and I think it was luck that I wasn't injured, crippled, or killed. I need to know I'll be safe in the car in future, or just not go with him. He's angry with me for not talking to him in private about it - (of course he really wouldn't let me) - but yes you should talk about these things privately or vent quitely to a best mate or a forum like this. We've arranged to meet up on Wednesday - I'm tired and I think when we've both calmed down it will be better, or he may have already decided it's over. In which case there's not a lot I can do.
Kamille Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 I find that whole thing about you not feeling loved when someone is angry at you somewhat worrysome. Has it always been like that for you growing up? Did your parents do anything that might you make a link between anger and abandonment? Or is this something new, perhaps something you have developped since your relationship? Listen, as to the details of your fight: him driving like crazy and you airing the laundry in public, both offences are fogivable. I wouldn't put the crux of the conversation on who is right and who is wrong but on how best the two of you can communicate when you are faced with disagreeing with each other's actions. What he needs from you and what you need from him. You don't know what the outcome of wenesday's talk will be, but in the meantime, take good care of yourself and focus on doing stuff that cheers you up and relaxes you. My favorite at times like these is to offer myself a professional massage.
Author bluepoppy Posted December 3, 2007 Author Posted December 3, 2007 I find that whole thing about you not feeling loved when someone is angry at you somewhat worrysome. Has it always been like that for you growing up? Did your parents do anything that might you make a link between anger and abandonment? Or is this something new, perhaps something you have developped since your relationship? . Thank you - that's very insightful - I think we BOTH have that issue - conditioned in by parents - People do find their own.
Trialbyfire Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 It's not the speed that would bother me, but the fact that he wasn't in complete control. If he wants to put his own life at risk, that's up to him, but to drive like he's touging with three passengers, is unacceptable. Regardless of the quality/make of his car, he's got to take into account the additional weight of his passengers/luggage and the affect on cornering/handling. He's an idiot who was trying to impress his passengers. He's got much growing up to do. Also, if you want to stay with him, you need to be more discreet in your criticism of him. The boy's got a big ego and overestimates his abilities. Reckless and narcissistic. Refer to quote below. He's angry, saying that I've tried to distroy him, that I don't understand him or what he's about, and that he joined a club not to find someone to f**k (that's how he phrased it, not even a girlfriend) On the other hand, love and anger aren't connected. In fearing his anger, you provide him with a handle on you, one that he uses effectively, I might say. I agree with wwiu. I'm uncertain the two of you are a good match. I also strongly encourage you to look up Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Lovegod Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 This is going to be as far as possible from "insightful", and this isn't going to be something that you want to hear either. He's an a55hole, point blank. He can find someone else in the club to ****. You may be "in love" with him, but love does not conquer all, and it never will. Quit living in your fantasy that loving him will change him and he'll turn into that handsome Disney character who save the princess from the evil step-somethings. You've been watching too many bull5hit Disney movies. Improve your life by cutting him away.
Author bluepoppy Posted December 4, 2007 Author Posted December 4, 2007 He's got much growing up to do. He's 44. His time for growing up may be running/run out. I actually reckon when men hit forty, they are pretty much 'fixed' in attidute/behaviour (women around 35) - I'm 39 - so I'm not going to change that much either. I also strongly encourage you to look up Narcissistic Personality Disorder. From Wiki - apparently you need 5 of these, in more than two situtations. has a grandiose sense of self-importance (maybe)is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love (maybe - certain cirmcumstances only)believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by other special people (yes)requires excessive admiration (yes)strong sense of entitlement (yes)takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends (yes)lacks empathy (yes)is often envious or believes others are envious of him or her (no)arrogant behavior (yes)EErrr - this list applies to ALL of my Ex's (except for one) - doesn't this list apply to all men ?
Lovegod Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 Narcissistic Personality Disorder. That has to be the most complicated and polite way to say "a55hole".
allina Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 Sorry but he's being immature and a major a-hole. He has no right to drive like a jack ass, going 115 mph to boost his ego while risking your life and lives of innocent people on the damn road Now he's turning it around and making you the bad guy, what a dick, I hope you don't back down.
Author bluepoppy Posted December 4, 2007 Author Posted December 4, 2007 Sorry but he's being immature and a major a-hole. He has no right to drive like a jack ass, going 115 mph to boost his ego while risking your life and lives of innocent people on the damn road Now he's turning it around and making you the bad guy, what a dick, I hope you don't back down. I know - I think it's amazing - I'm not the bad guy - but he's turning it into that. But only because he's trying to shift the the consequences of his actions (not being able to lift share, and therefore not being able to do all he wants to) from him to me, so as not to have to take responsibility for them. It's total denial. Now that I've calmed down, accepted the break is going to hurt like anything but is prob envitable. (if it happens weds or three months from weds is the real Q) Now if I talk to strangers I realise the situ is aburd - which is one of things I love about this forum. My friends can see the good side of our stuff too, so want it to work out for us - they aren't detached.
allina Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 I know - I think it's amazing - I'm not the bad guy - but he's turning it into that. But only because he's trying to shift the the consequences of his actions (not being able to lift share, and therefore not being able to do all he wants to) from him to me, so as not to have to take responsibility for them. It's total denial. Now that I've calmed down, accepted the break is going to hurt like anything but is prob envitable. (if it happens weds or three months from weds is the real Q) Now if I talk to strangers I realise the situ is aburd - which is one of things I love about this forum. My friends can see the good side of our stuff too, so want it to work out for us - they aren't detached. Has he been like this for the entire 2 and a half year relationship? Is there anyway you can make him see that he is being absurd?
Author bluepoppy Posted December 4, 2007 Author Posted December 4, 2007 Has he been like this for the entire 2 and a half year relationship? Is there anyway you can make him see that he is being absurd? Err - over certain issues yes he's always been like that (mainly driving, smoking and on occasions when I've felt neglected) - and no - absolutely no way he'll see he's being absurd. He views any of this as me trying to change him, and if he doesn't think he'll change, so he is what he is. Of course, I won't change either - I'm never going to enjoy fast driving or passive smoking (we do have a compromise on that and he doesn;'t smoke inside his own apartment anymore, even though I'm only there about twice a week - he'll sit on the stairs) He does at least have humour about it - he quoted cost of an amusement park, and the scariest roller coaster only being 60 seconds, where as a 5 hour drive with him is cheaper !!! The one occasion where we prefer 60 seconds or less.....
allina Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 He does at least have humour about it - he quoted cost of an amusement park, and the scariest roller coaster only being 60 seconds, where as a 5 hour drive with him is cheaper !!! The one occasion where we prefer 60 seconds or less..... The driving thing really irritates me because it's clowns like him that kill thousands of innocent people each year
Author bluepoppy Posted December 4, 2007 Author Posted December 4, 2007 I know - and the fact is the speeding types don't learn. He's had a driving ban for 6 months for reckless driving (before I met him) and was cut out of a car. The other person was injured (it was his fault). He has 9 points on his licence so one more speeding offence and he will get another 6 to 12 month ban. It shouldn't be too long before he's off the road again.
Lovegod Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 Now I truly know the meaning of "love kills".
Racquel Colette Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 No offense, but no man I was dating has ever said anything like "I didn't join the club to find someone to f##k." I wouldn't date him anymore if a man said that to me. Well, actually I wouldn't consider him a man. He sounds like a total loser with the driving thing. You can do better. Look at this as a blessing.
Racquel Colette Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 No offense, but no man I was dating has ever said anything like "I didn't join the club to find someone to f##k." I wouldn't date him anymore if a man said that to me. Well, actually I wouldn't consider him a man. He sounds like a total loser with the driving thing. You can do better. Look at this as a blessing.
bish Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 When a guy drives that fast, it means he is pissed off about something. And even though you were totally justified in saying something to him about it...that probably pissed him off even more. Is there anything you can think of that made him so angry to drive like that?
Racquel Colette Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 How is it going? I hope you dumped him!
NYCHottie Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 So, is being with a guy who endangers your life really what youre looking for? He sounds like an asshat.
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