Don't understand this girl

[Wehant]

A bit long, but some advice would be helpful.

 

****

Hello, I must say that I am in a bind.

 

About a month ago I met a girl through a friend. We talked that night for about an hour before I had to go home. The next day, I was shocked to find her pop-up on my MSN. Apparently she asked my friend for my contact information and voila, flamenco, there she is on my MSN. We chatted up and went on a date that next Thursday. The date ran smoothly, we went to a live show and then to a lounge which we both frequent. At the end of the night there was a "kissing" session. We didn't see each other again until this past Thursday (for many reasons). Now here is where the bind begins. I'll try my best to breakdown the events of the past 3 days and hopefully you can shed some insight into the situation.

 

On Thursday I went to pick her up. When she comes into my car we both kiss. We go back to the lounge and she seems a bit withdrawn. We both know a lot of people at that lounge. She's almost icy. We leave the lounge at 3 AM and get back into my car. As soon as I put the key in the ignition, she jumps me.

 

On Friday, we go watch the hockey game. She's somewhat distant. After the game we go to a restaurant where some of my friends are at for a birthday. At the restaurant, she's very touchy-feely. Kissing me, nibbling on my neck, dancing with me et al. We leave the restaurant to go to the lounge, but before that she (again) jumps me in the car.

 

We get to the lounge and voila, the "other" her kicks in. I'm now on the outside looking in. She, yes, hangs around me but is quite cool and calm (for the record: I am not looking to engage in a wild make-out session at a club). We leave the place at closing and, you know where this is going, she jumps me in the car again. As I drive her home, she spends the ride nibbling at me, and kissing me. I park in front of her home, and boom, she jumps me again.

 

Last night I happen to be in the neighbourhood of the lounge and pass by. She shows up, says hello to me and is visibly around me at all times, but is once again distant. Because she came with her friends and I was livid at this treatment once more, I got up and left. She has a ride home already.

 

Why does this treatment bother me? I don't know if I'm abnormal or not, but a few years ago I got out of a relationship with a girl that I was butt crazy in love with (and it took me a few years to get over it). The whole relationship was like that, except replace lounge with "greek community". Everytime we went to a community function, I was but an accessory (I'm a different ethnicity) to her. Outside those functions, she was a doll. I feel like I'm going through that again (albeit on a much smaller scale).

 

Anyhoo, just a few more points;

 

she's 21

 

I'm 28.

 

She passes the "Carlito's way" test. You know, open the car door for her and as I walk across the car see if she opens my door. She does so, without any hesitation.

 

I ask because;

 

A) I am not good with women at all, its very hard for me to meet someone.

 

B) I'm contemplating just cutting her out. I don't like the treatment I receive at the lounge, however the good sides of her are very hard to resist.

 

C) Physically, she is beyond adorable and sexy.

 

Is this behaviour normal?

 

Wehant

[Racquel Colette]

First of all, the Carlito's Way test is not a good way to judge a date. Just because it is some cutesy thing that comes out in movies (it is also in Singles), doesn't mean that if a woman doesn't reach over to open your car door it says she is lacking in generosity or caringness in anyway. I, for one, don't do that, because most men now have cars with automatic locks so they get to that anyway. For me to reach over is silly, and also, just because they did something nice for me by opening the car door doesn't necessarily mean that I 'owe' them something back right then. Why can't I just say "thank you" as a way to show my appreciation? I am going to show love and appreciation in another way, just because you opened my car door like a gentleman should doesn't mean that if I don't reach over for your car door means I am lacking in anyway, I am simply accepting your gesutre of opening my door.

Second of all, she probably just doesn't like public displays of affection.

[Racquel Colette]

First of all, the Carlito's Way test is not a good way to judge a date. Just because it is some cutesy thing that comes out in movies (it is also in Singles), doesn't mean that if a woman doesn't reach over to open your car door it says she is lacking in generosity or caringness in anyway. I, for one, don't do that, because most men now have cars with automatic locks so they get to that anyway. For me to reach over is silly, and also, just because they did something nice for me by opening the car door doesn't necessarily mean that I 'owe' them something back right then. Why can't I just say "thank you" as a way to show my appreciation? I am going to show love and appreciation in another way, just because you opened my car door like a gentleman should doesn't mean that if I don't reach over for your car door means I am lacking in anyway, I am simply accepting your gesutre of opening my door.

Second of all, she probably just doesn't like public displays of affection.

[MrMichael]

wow dude....I see whats up w this scenario, and its only MY take on it, she is hot/cold...and seemingly when you 2 are alone is when she has her hot side...you mentioned her "friends"...I had a similar situation like this, where, when at the bar and her girlfriends are around, she was ICE, it drove me batty, but intuitively, I knew her warm side, we sat down to talk and she grabbed my hand and was her affectionate self, but then when the girlfriends came to the table trying to pull her away to go do shots, she snapped into super-cold-mode and it was like "who is THIS personality?"...she looks at me and says "why did you come here?" so I leave, and as I am walking out the door of the club she comes and hugs me, and whispers "call me tonite-later"

 

In your case, I see this thru my own happenings, and all I can offer is that maybe she has an issue with her girls, where she feels like she needs to show them she can control you....because apparently when you 2 are alone, there is the OTHER side to her, the side that bares all...maybe you can see what im saying, believe me, its frustrating.

 

Or, possibly she gets a thrill out of playing your emotions, or has an insecurity issue, to where in order to hold your interest ie: at a bar where there are OTHER women, she goes into Cold mode, so that you will pay attention to her....

 

I would talk to her and let her know that after 4 yrs, she is acting childish..

[Wehant]

First of all, the Carlito's Way test is not a good way to judge a date. Just because it is some cutesy thing that comes out in movies (it is also in Singles), doesn't mean that if a woman doesn't reach over to open your car door it says she is lacking in generosity or caringness in anyway. I, for one, don't do that, because most men now have cars with automatic locks so they get to that anyway. For me to reach over is silly, and also, just because they did something nice for me by opening the car door doesn't necessarily mean that I 'owe' them something back right then. Why can't I just say "thank you" as a way to show my appreciation? I am going to show love and appreciation in another way, just because you opened my car door like a gentleman should doesn't mean that if I don't reach over for your car door means I am lacking in anyway, I am simply accepting your gesutre of opening my door.

Second of all, she probably just doesn't like public displays of affection.

 

The carlito's way comment was a joke (though she does do it). I figure there would be other guys here who could relate to that and get a good laugh out of it.

[Krytie TV]

She seems to be hiding your relationship from her friends. Wonder why?

[Wehant]

I don't think we're in a relationship. I'm trying not to beat myself up over this, but I somehow feel its my fault, when it probably is not.

[JCD]

I also thought by what you wrote that you two were in a relationship. If not then this thing with her is really screwed up and you need to find a girl that you are in relationship with.