bosox406 Posted December 2, 2007 Posted December 2, 2007 we need help. almost a year ago, our 30 year old daughter started dating someone who had been divorced maybe a month before they started dating, with 2 very young children and what has been described to us as a crazy former spouse. we've only met this man once, briefly and months ago. our daughter was initially very secretive. she has never been married and this is her first love. he has tattoos all over, including his hands and neck. he allegedly makes good money but is apparently giving most of it to the former spouse(fs), due to guilt over the divorce, altho' she is the one who wanted it. he almost hired her to clean his house! he's started counseling because he had no concept boundaries, per our daughter. his two young children are in counseling and are as wild as they can be. have damaged other people's property as well as hurt their pets. children are 4 and 6. this man, according to those who have had more contact, is boring, no intellectual capacity, a nothing. our daughter is very upset that we have not welcomed him. my husband is adamant that he does not want this man or his children in our home. my thoughts are that we should get to know him - the old saying keep your friends close and your enemies closer being relevant. if we don't do something, we'll create a mentality of us v. them with her and him and we'll never "win" that situation. they'll hunker down for the duration. she says " no one knows him like she does". true, but we've lived long enough and seen enough that we know who he isw/o "knowing" him. also, he is quite manipulative. she is at his beck and call and doesn't seem to realize it or care. he acts weak, but is anything but. any advice, please?
whichwayisup Posted December 2, 2007 Posted December 2, 2007 This guy is getting help, right? And he is giving his exwife money, (I'm sure it was part of the divorce, and alot of the money goes to the kids anyway) so he is doing something, it's not like he's sitting around doing nothing. Sorry to say this but you don't have much choice here in who she dates. If you love your daughter, give him a chance...You don't know him, you only know 'about' his life and it's hearsay through your daughters eyes. Oh and the tattoo thing, I can understand it can be offputting, but don't let that be a reason for you not liking him. Not everybody with tattoos are low lifes, if that is what you're H is implying...Talk to your husband, because if your daughter gets pissed off enough she'll cut you and your H out of her life. BE there for her when things fall apart...One day it will happen. But, until then, keep the peace. At 30 years old she has to learn some lessons about love, her heart and trusting people, so if this guy is going to break her heart (as hard as it will be for you to watch) there isn't anything you can do about it, it's something she is going to have to go through herself so she can learn and grow from the experience. His kids, well, kids are innocent and it is unfair of your H to not want them around.
Storyrider Posted December 2, 2007 Posted December 2, 2007 If you fight it, you will only push her towards him, as she will see you as the enemy and become more firmly allied with him. It is possible she is trying to shock you. At age 30, it sounds like she is having trouble breaking away from you. And you seem to be having trouble letting go. Maybe she is pushing you away as a last resort by dating someone you will hate. Not saying she is consciously choosing to do so, but that might be one of the reasons she finds him attractive. Since she is an adult, all you can do is wait it out and hope she comes to her senses.
Trialbyfire Posted December 2, 2007 Posted December 2, 2007 Your daughter is 30 years old. You cannot live her life or control her life, even if it's "for her own good". I don't agree that you have to welcome her b/f and his kids into your family. As long as you show your daughter she's loved and always will be, this is where you can draw the line of your responsibility as her parents. Also, I feel it within your rights to express your concern about her b/f and family and then, if she asks again or demands that you accept them, tell her that she can't control the way you think/feel and that you don't wish to discuss this any further, except that you respect her right to her own life, continue to love her, as she is, and that she will always be welcome within your household. In this way, you respect each others' rights as adults and have no need to put up with anyone you don't want to.
CD111 Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 I have to agree with the other posts. But would also like to emphasize a few points. You can't judge a person by the number of tattoos they have in today's world. The majority of people with tattoos are hardworking, well mannered and responsible individuals who are judged by many, especially older generations, based upon an archaic stereotype that people with tattoos are criminals. Obviously, his previous living situation has created a great deal of emotional problems for him and his children; however, at least they are all in counseling. Also, him giving his ex-wife money and wanting to give her a job tells me that he doesn't treat the women in his life too badly. At least the guy is paying child support, which is expensive. Maybe, he is not treating your daughter as bad as you think. I can understand why you don't want your daughter dating this man, but on one hand you should be supportive. She needs to make her own mistakes. Why don't you try meeting her boyfriend by yourself without your husband and his kids a few times. Go to dinner together or have coffee. Just so you can get to know him for who he really is instead of judging him by hearsay and conventional stereotypes. Good Luck
Author bosox406 Posted December 3, 2007 Author Posted December 3, 2007 to all who took the time to respond. as far as tattoos go, i have some, they're just not visible to the public. i have no prejudices against them. i just know how people are judged in this world. and if someone has neck and hand tattoos, that can cause people who might hire you, etc. to make some judgements, unfounded or not. as far as the children being innocents, generally that's accurate. but when children destroy personal property of others and/or hurt that person's pet, i have a problem w/that. clearly, the children have no boundaries and that's an issue. we very well understand she's an adult. she's led a life that's been too cosseted and the piper is now being paid. it's a situation where we may not know the specific person, but having lived long lives, we know exactly who the person is, based on facts. it may be "hearsay", but if the information comes from the person who loves him, i believe i can rely on that. but i understand what most of you are saying and very much appreciate the insight, which is quite astute. we'll just wait and play the game. thank you, thank you.
Author bosox406 Posted December 3, 2007 Author Posted December 3, 2007 to the person who wrote the children are not to blame, you're are mainly correct. they need guidance and structure from their parents to know acceptable behavior. if they don't get that, then mayhem can result. i do feel a 6 year old is old enough to know all on his own that you don't go to someone's house and damage their things or hurt another living creature. that suggests to me a behavioral problem stemming from anger or possibly abandonment issues as a result of the divorce. all big problems that could soon fall to our daughter, even tho' these children have parents. the boyfriend already has a family. he will always have that family and divided interests. he's had our daughter lie for him. and i know that because she told me. and she's not a person who prevaricates. very disappointing. again, thank you. it makes me feel not so alone.
benevolent one Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 using his tattoos in your reasoning for not liking him is shallow on your part. it sounds like he is paying his child support and taking care of business. dont go off hear say. get to know him yourself before you make judgement on him.
Author bosox406 Posted December 3, 2007 Author Posted December 3, 2007 since i wrote that i have tattoos myself, i am not using the fact that he has some as the sole basis for our feelings. far from it. and if i want to be shallow, that's my right. no one has to agree or disagree w/how i feel. i'm the only one responsible for my feelings. but if someone puts large tattoos on his neck and hands, then to me, that is a "look at me" behavior and may not be emanating from someone who is responsible and unselfish. certain things are warning signs. and that to me, is a warning sign when i take into consideration these other issues of far more significance.
Cobra_X30 Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 since i wrote that i have tattoos myself, i am not using the fact that he has some as the sole basis for our feelings. far from it. and if i want to be shallow, that's my right. no one has to agree or disagree w/how i feel. i'm the only one responsible for my feelings. but if someone puts large tattoos on his neck and hands, then to me, that is a "look at me" behavior and may not be emanating from someone who is responsible and unselfish. certain things are warning signs. and that to me, is a warning sign when i take into consideration these other issues of far more significance. I'm with you! You are not bieng shallow or whatever. If a guy walks in rocking a bunch of prison tattoos... I'm not going to want him to date my daughter. Oh, and thats exactly what Im think when I see neck and hand tattoos... Ex Con! It's not shallow to judge others based on CHOICES that they make. Tatts are choices!
JCD Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 I think you need to cut her loose and let her be in control of her own life, to make mistakes, to learn from them and mature as an adult. She probably wants you to make her own choices and at the same time wants you to be there to catch her fall when she fails. Don't. Let her fall and hit the very bottom and let her pull herself up. She will thank you for it when later she realizes that she is the only one in control of her life for better or worse. She will then start making good choices for herself. It's an incredible feeling to feel that you are free of constraints of your parents and are not being judged by them. When she makes mistakes don't lecture her. Sympathise with her instead.
White Flower Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 any advice, please? Hi there, I would just remind your daughter as lovingly as you can of what she is really in for. I married a man who had a child and without my working full time he could have never paid the child support payments and bought a house. It would have been one or the either. He has never thanked me for that, by the way. Funny, I never really thought of that before. Shrug. I think if she ponders how long it will take to make those payments and what a hardship that will be and weighs that over how much she loves him, well then that is her choice. Just keep reminding her of what she is getting into. I wish I'd had more input from my parents. And my H was smart, clean cut, and came from a respectable family. Wolf in sheep's clothing. Good luck on your situation.
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