Nomad1 Posted December 2, 2007 Posted December 2, 2007 I have been reading your many and varied posts, many of which resonated with my own experience. It is now time for me to share my weird and bewildering story. My wife of 18 years told me about 3 months ago (yes you guessed right) ‘I love you but I am not in love with you’. We have 3 children between early to late teenage. We split up in many years ago for two to four weeks on two occasions. Each time we got back together and things improved. Over the past three months, I initially told her how much I loved her and how I wanted the relationship to work. She said it was not me, that I am a very nice guy and even said that I am too nice on one occasion. She initially said that we could live in the same house but lead separate lives until the boys are old enough to leave home. My constant pursuit of a reconciliation seems to have pushed her further away. However, during the past three months she approached me on three occasions to have sex with me. Each time I obliged and surprisingly, love-making was more intense than usual. The most recent occasion, about five days ago, while making love she said to me ‘I love you’ on several occasions. ‘I don’t want you to go out with other women’ etc. On each of the three occasions she initiated sex, after two to three days of intimacy she would say that sex complicates things and perhaps we shouldn’t do it. Each time I said fine. She would then revert to her original stance ‘we should lead separate lives’. I then became frustrated with this yoyo existence and told her that we should either stay together or split up completely, sell the house and get a divorce. I then got Estate Agents to value the house and started looking for a place to buy. She then got into house hunting in a big way. This morning, she was telling me about how our three children expressed anxieties about us splitting up and asked me to talk to them. I said I will, but silly me I told her that we are making a mistake and that we should re-consider. This usually stresses her out and she said that I was trying to make her feel guilty. She said that when we live in separate houses we should a) make sure that they are in close proximity and that the children should have access to both our houses at anytime, that we should remain good friends and that we may get back together at some point but that she couldn’t put a time limit to it. I feel that the power dynamics have become skewed in her favour. Fast forward to this evening, I said to her that from now on, I will only talk to her about issues to do with the children / household. I also said to her that I will not deal with the house sale / divorce, that she will have to do that herself and that I will not object to any course of action she chooses to take. Again, she said that I was trying to make her feel guilty etc. I am confused, can anyone shed light on my situation as I don’t understand it.
Curmudgeon Posted December 2, 2007 Posted December 2, 2007 I said to her that from now on, I will only talk to her about issues to do with the children / household. I also said to her that I will not deal with the house sale / divorce, that she will have to do that herself and that I will not object to any course of action she chooses to take. The first pronouncement will be difficult to follow through on because you're still conflicted, and reasonably so. The second pronouncement put your future financial wellbeing right into her hands. If I was you I'd loo into some individual counseling to help your emotional needs and an attorney to watch over your best legal and financial interests. I'm sorry you're going through this I know it's not easy. By the way, I did much the same when I was divorcing and the more I offered the more the ex demanded and/or took. I finally had to start taking back. It would have been a lot easier if I'd not started out generous and had been simply fair and equitable.
bestadvisor Posted December 2, 2007 Posted December 2, 2007 First question is, is there another man in her life? If you say "no," you're either in denial or you're not looking hard enough for evidence. The chance of her not having someone on the side is slim to none.
Author Nomad1 Posted December 2, 2007 Author Posted December 2, 2007 I don't think that finances will be an issue. We have talked about sharing everything equally. I am not worried about that. Since the children will be living with both of us for equal duration and our earnings are fairly similar, maintenance will be in the form of expenses spent directly on the children. Thanks for your comments.
BestAdvisor1 Posted December 2, 2007 Posted December 2, 2007 Is there anther man in her life? If your answer is "no," you're either in denial or you're not looking hard enough for evidence. The chance of her not having (or had) another man on the side is slim to none.
Tripper Posted December 2, 2007 Posted December 2, 2007 If I was you I'd loo into some individual counseling to help your emotional needs and an attorney to watch over your best legal and financial interests. This is sound advice. I'm sorry you are going through this crap. I've been through this as well and I feel your pain. I couldn't say if she is involved with someone else, but she definitely wants to have her cake and eat it too ie: have sex with you when it's convenient for her, yet be separated and apart with her own life. The children are paramount; then need stability no matter if you are in the same house or separate living spaces. Then you need stability as well. I understand you want to reconcile but it might be best if you have separate living areas simply so that you don't have to deal with the emotional ups and downs. And if you feel ready and want to date then do so. Why should she hold you hostage with her emotional needs? Good luck.
Author Nomad1 Posted December 2, 2007 Author Posted December 2, 2007 The truth is I don't know. I asked her but she assured me that there is no one else. I have no reason to believe that there is. I suspect that there may be an EA. There is this guy that she has been counselling once a week for months, but he is in an offenders institution. She said that she feels compassion for him but nothing else. Does it sound to you as though there may be an OM. She is acting out of character. If what you are saying is true, then it would explain why she wants to bring the relationship to a halt, so she does not have to feel guilty about what she may be up to.
BestAdvisor1 Posted December 2, 2007 Posted December 2, 2007 There are countless examples on this board where the husband initially don't think there is an affair at all (or sometimes think that there might be an emotional/crush thing) and almost every single one of them end up finding out that there was an affair. All of these cases involving the wife telling her husband: "I love you, but not in love with you" or "we need to be seperated" or something similiar in nature. The ones (one or two) who didn't find out was maybe because their wifes kept the secret hidden well. For example, there was this guy who's wife was a devoted Christian and he never suspect anything, later he found out that she was having an affair. Here is a link to another example: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t133240/
Author Nomad1 Posted December 2, 2007 Author Posted December 2, 2007 I don't understand it or more accurately I don't want to understand it. I am in denial I guess, because it makes me feel sad that such thing could happen when I have spent 18 years with this woman thinking that she was the one that I would grow old and share my happiness with. She is going out tomorrow night and I just passed her as she was curling her hair in front of the mirror which she only ever did when we were going out to parties / weddings. Well, good luck to whomever it is that she is grooming herself in anticipation. I can't help but feel sad though. I wish this feeling will go away! Cheers
BestAdvisor1 Posted December 2, 2007 Posted December 2, 2007 She is going out tomorrow night and I just passed her as she was curling her hair in front of the mirror which she only ever did when we were going out to parties / weddings. Well, good luck to whomever it is that she is grooming herself in anticipation. Cheers It seems to me that you have seen some evidence already and just decided to ignore them. Ignoring it will not make it go away. Ask her if you can come along just to see how her response will be.
Author Nomad1 Posted December 3, 2007 Author Posted December 3, 2007 BestAdvisor1, I wouldn't dream of asking her that and neither would I want to go with her wherever she is going. I can't physicall stop her from going out and would hate it if she were to try and stop me when I go out. In fact, what she is doing will help speed up the emotional detachment and precipitate the moving on process for me. I can't be in love with somebody who does not reciprocate my sentiments. It is a shame that it has got to this, but I have to grin and bear it. I want to be more in control of my feelings. This attachment thing makes me feel vulnerable and I hate it. While I have to endure this emotional upset, right now she is sound asleep, probably having sweet dreams about someone else, not the fool in the study posting this message on LS. Re: counselling, I have been seeing a counsellor for the past 3 weeks. I haven't got an awful lot out of it so farthough!
Chrome Barracuda Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 BestAdvisor1, I wouldn't dream of asking her that and neither would I want to go with her wherever she is going. I can't physicall stop her from going out and would hate it if she were to try and stop me when I go out. In fact, what she is doing will help speed up the emotional detachment and precipitate the moving on process for me. I can't be in love with somebody who does not reciprocate my sentiments. It is a shame that it has got to this, but I have to grin and bear it. I want to be more in control of my feelings. This attachment thing makes me feel vulnerable and I hate it. While I have to endure this emotional upset, right now she is sound asleep, probably having sweet dreams about someone else, not the fool in the study posting this message on LS. Re: counselling, I have been seeing a counsellor for the past 3 weeks. I haven't got an awful lot out of it so farthough! So what's stopping you from hiring a PI and finding out the truth. Go and get this done for your peace of mind!
Author Nomad1 Posted December 3, 2007 Author Posted December 3, 2007 My primary goal is to move on into a more fulfilled happier life. This does not have to include others in any meaningful way in the immediate term. Once a spouse says to the other 'I love you but I am not in love with you, let's separate!' that signals the beginning of the end of a relationship. People have a right to choose what they want to do with their lives, even if that affects others negatively. Those left behind have a responsibility to themselves to get themselves out of the emotional black hole and learn to be whole again, without their other half as it were. It is not my style to get a PI. What for? Extra-marital involvement with others is seldom the cause of a break-up and is rather the outcome of a failed relationship. This may simply mean that one person wakes up one morning and discovers that what they have is not what they want. I don't want to be with someone who feels that way about me. I will make it. I want to remain good friends with her, which she also wants, for the sake of the children if nothing else. I have to learn to let go for my pride and emotional well-being. Take care all.
Author Nomad1 Posted December 3, 2007 Author Posted December 3, 2007 What does it take to undo the emotional bond people have towards each other? Cheating / lying / deception / selfishness? possibly. Thinking about their negative and unappealing traits? probably, but when one's wisdom is shrouded with a veil of what we think is love, these are submerged to the bottom of our consciousness and only good / nice memories are allowed to the surface. My intellect tells me to forge ahead and never look back, that there are endless possibilities to share happiness with like minded others. Yet vestiges of good memories keep me yearning for what once was. Day by day the bond is weakening and my resolve solidifying. I wish her happiness whatever she chooses, since if she is happy, my children will be happy too. I am doing my best to remain civil, but in one of my weaker moments earlier this morning, I became irrational and started spewing gibberish. I said things I did not mean and this made me feel worse afterwards. I must stop caring. I must start looking after number one!
Author Nomad1 Posted December 4, 2007 Author Posted December 4, 2007 I feel much better today. I was thinking about my earlier post 'unloving someone'. I thought hard about whether I really loved her. I think I loved the person she used to be, kind and caring, it is not who she is at the moment. I guess it was also the idea of living together as a family. I am feeling less stressed every day and I am surprised at the speed with which my negative thoughts about the situation are being replaced with postive ones. I am looking forward to going away this weekend and enjoying my own company. Take care all
Chrome Barracuda Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 Yeah I feel you, I mentioned a PI because even though your gonna leave, Me myself would just want to know the truth before making a decision, that way in my mind I could make peace with it and say, she's done me dirty, I dont need it. But I've been where your at too. I've dropped chicks that was on they way to vilate my trust before they did. I look back and it irks me a little but deep down I know I did the right thing. Man the stories I could tell you.
Author Nomad1 Posted December 4, 2007 Author Posted December 4, 2007 I know what you mean, but we have gone beyond ascertaining the reason for the break-up. Such things are better left in the past. Take care Nomad1
Author Nomad1 Posted December 5, 2007 Author Posted December 5, 2007 I know that this site is great and provides insights into the interesting lives of many people. But I feel that I have been wallowing in self pity. I'll speed up the divorce process and the house sale. I won't be posting again Take care all.
Chrome Barracuda Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 I know that this site is great and provides insights into the interesting lives of many people. But I feel that I have been wallowing in self pity. I'll speed up the divorce process and the house sale. I won't be posting again Take care all. Good luck to you man, Please keep us updated.
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