Keara Posted December 2, 2007 Posted December 2, 2007 My bf and I have dated for 4 years and we live together. We've talked about marriage in the past, and he usually says the same message. That he wants that with me, but that he's hesitant because of problems we've had and he doesn't feel we resolve problems as well as he would like. I feel we've been really growing in how we handle our problems. Better able to discuss things openly, and fair resolutions that allow both of us to get what we want. (This is my opinion of the situation) About a month ago, I hid little cut outs of rings in my bf's stuff. Kind of a hint, but I was trying to make it cute not forceful. He asked me about it a few days later, and I joked it off a bit and told him that with all the bills and stuff lately that it wasn't really an option. But if later things (bills) were more stable then I would really like that. We drop it for the day, and a few days later he brings it up again. Asking questions about why do I want to get married, and what are the benefits, and why do I think this is a good idea, etc. I explain my views, and he explains that he doesn't think we resolve issues well. He cites a few examples, expresses concern over getting married, and leaves me with the impression that marriage is not an option. What I had really wanted from all that, was for him to give me a straight answer. Either yes, marriage was something he wanted and barring any unforseen events, that we would get married at some point. Or No, he doesn't feel comfortable with it, and it wasn't really an option. I felt his answer was the latter of those two. Its been bugging me for a month. I've been stressed at work, trying to find a new job, unhappy that my bf of 4 years doesn't feel we should get married. I was struck with the dilema of wondering if his not feeling compatible enough for marriage meant I should end the relationship, or does marriage really even matter and I should stay in a relationship that I find fulfilling as it is now? We got in a tiff yesterday and all this bottled up stress in me came out and made things worse. So I explained to him what was really bothering me, and how I was feeling. He paused a minute, then starts telling me how he's been out ring shopping every day, and trying to find the perfect ring. And how he wanted to have it before thanksgiving so he could ask my dad for my hand. But that everytime he gets some money, something else we need costs tons of money. And how he really had wanted to do this for me. And had wanted to get the right ring. And had wanted to make it special. But everything he said was past tense. "I had wanted", "I was going to". So my question is this.. If a man really wanted to marry his girlfriend, wouldn't he say that while having a deep discussion with her? Instead of consistently giving messages of why its not a good idea? Do I accept that he's been out ring shopping as proof that marriage is what he wants too, or do I listen to what he's been saying consistently? And if marriage isn't what he really wants, then how do I approach the idea of not getting married without sounding like I'm bopping back and forth between demanding and then rejecting it?
Lauriebell82 Posted December 2, 2007 Posted December 2, 2007 Hmm, well I'm guessing he wanted to surprise you, and since you had marriage on your mind he wouldn't be able to do that without throwing you off track. It is weird that he'd use problems in your relationship as a way to throw you off track, either that or he's lying about the ring shopping. If I were you I would stop bringing the issue up. Your going to end up pressuring him, and it's not going to help the situation. Just drop the issue completely, if he brings it up tell him that you love him and want to get married someday. Simple as that. Don't pressure him, don't do anything else to make the situation worse. I'm sort of in the same situation as you, my boyfriend is strange when it comes to talking about marriage. Sometimes I think he wants it, sometimes I don't. I chose to just let it go and enjoy our relationship. Just stop talking about it, enjoy your relationship. Set yourself a deadline for when he proposes (without pressuring him) internally, and if he hasn't proposed by a certain time than consider taking a break from the relationship. 4 years is a long time, and I can see how sitting around waiting could be difficult. How old are you guys?
sb129 Posted December 2, 2007 Posted December 2, 2007 My BF actually did go out ring shopping on a day when I was out. I came home and noticed he hadn't done anything round the house so I got really mad with him. Bet he toyed with the idea of taking it back! He didn't tell me about it till he proposed, and even on that day I put my big stupid foot in my mouth by slagging off Tiffany and Co rings. Guess where mine is from? I agree with Lauriebell Keara. I think you need to back off on this one right now. If you push him, it doesn't follow he will propose to you. And you wouldn't want to feel that you had bullied him into it when he DID propose. He knows how you feel, and he knows you want to get married one day. You don't need to say anything else about it. Let him surprise you!
Author Keara Posted December 2, 2007 Author Posted December 2, 2007 Lauriebell82 - We're both in our 30s. If you had to describe the benefits of marriage, how would you describe them? And why is marriage important (versus being bf/gf and living as though you were married)? What is the difference in your opinion?
sb129 Posted December 2, 2007 Posted December 2, 2007 OK, well maybe your age puts a different slant on things. Do you want kids? Have you and your BF discussed it? I told my BF not long after we got together that I wanted children before I was 35 (am 30 now) and that I didn't have time for time wasters.
Author Keara Posted December 2, 2007 Author Posted December 2, 2007 OK, well maybe your age puts a different slant on things. Do you want kids? Have you and your BF discussed it? I told my BF not long after we got together that I wanted children before I was 35 (am 30 now) and that I didn't have time for time wasters. We've discussed kids. Up until a year ago I didn't care if I had kids. Which is what I had told him when we started dating. Its not a deal breaker to me if we don't have children. I mean, part of me really wants kids the older I get, but the other half thinks I'm crazy and wonders why I would want to bring a child into this screwed up world. So your bf must have felt the same way about kids as you, since you're engaged now? How deeply did/do you discuss having kids with your bf? Down to what you'll name them, and the color of the baby room, or more of a generalized "I want kids how do you feel" conversation? Did he ever start a conversation about having kids?
Lauriebell82 Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 Lauriebell82 - We're both in our 30s. If you had to describe the benefits of marriage, how would you describe them? And why is marriage important (versus being bf/gf and living as though you were married)? What is the difference in your opinion? Well, the reason I want to get married is because it is about devoting your life to one person..I have never been into the whole "dating" scene, I prefer to be in a committed relationship where I love the person and they love me. I would never want to just live together for an extended period of time, because marriage is something I want for myself. I want to be a wife, and have a husband who I can love and take care of. I also want to have children, which I would never do without being married. Since you are in your 30's, it may be a little different for you, I mean i'm only 25. I saw you said you are unsure of whether or not you want children. Have you and your bf discussed this? Maybe he doesn't see a need to get married if you aren't going to be having children? I honeslty would lay off the pressure though, and wait and see what he does next. He said he looked at rings, so you can sit back and see if he is going to give you one!
LovesDog Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 my friend was bugging her now husband to get married, taping up pictures of rings, hinting at gatherings, etc. it was annoying to me even. i told her that she needed to back off and give the guy some breathing room. she quit bringing it up and backed off. and you know what? he popped the question with a beautiful ring. i think it was just that he wanted to do it under his terms, not because he felt pressure to. i don't know what it is, but i think the guy wants to feel like he has control of the situation.
LovesDog Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 my friend was bugging her now husband to get married, taping up pictures of rings, hinting at gatherings, etc. it was annoying to me even. i told her that she needed to back off and give the guy some breathing room. she quit bringing it up and backed off. and you know what? he popped the question with a beautiful ring. i think it was just that he wanted to do it under his terms, not because he felt pressure to. i don't know what it is, but i think the guy wants to feel like he has control of the situation.
sumdude Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 my friend was bugging her now husband to get married, taping up pictures of rings, hinting at gatherings, etc. it was annoying to me even. i told her that she needed to back off and give the guy some breathing room. she quit bringing it up and backed off. and you know what? he popped the question with a beautiful ring. i think it was just that he wanted to do it under his terms, not because he felt pressure to. i don't know what it is, but i think the guy wants to feel like he has control of the situation. It's a huge decision and putting on pressure doesn't make it any easier that's for sure.... just remember this .. Getting married isn't a goal but a huge choice that is really just the beginning. It's what happens after the big wedding day that really matters.
sb129 Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 We've discussed kids. Up until a year ago I didn't care if I had kids. Which is what I had told him when we started dating. Its not a deal breaker to me if we don't have children. I mean, part of me really wants kids the older I get, but the other half thinks I'm crazy and wonders why I would want to bring a child into this screwed up world. So your bf must have felt the same way about kids as you, since you're engaged now? How deeply did/do you discuss having kids with your bf? Down to what you'll name them, and the color of the baby room, or more of a generalized "I want kids how do you feel" conversation? Did he ever start a conversation about having kids? Well, we met online, and one of the good things about that (provided people are honest on their profiles) is that you have to specify whether you want kids or not. I wouldn't have chosen to date anyone that said they didn't. Obviously we have talked about it more in depth now we are engaged, but I know my BF wants to have them sooner rather than later, he says he doesn't want to be an older dad (he is 33 now) There are alot of big changes happening for us in the next year (we are moving back to our home country to get married, then to live) so we needed to discuss timing etc, because right now the timing isn't right for us. I pretty much knew he was the man for me not that long after we got together. (I never really believed people who said that before). He says the same about me, so most of our conversations about the future involved the other person, and yes, he initiated some of them. We haven't got into too much detail about rooms/colours/names or anything like that though!! I think its important to know where you stand though, because unfortunately time isn't on your side (please don't take offense to that) if you decide you DO want kids, and if your BF definitely doesn't want them, then..... difficult position to be in. Hope it goes OK.
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