I still want her back...

[egetrop]

I'd like to say hello to everyone. This is my first post and I usually don't do this on the computer (posting in forums) but after reading some stories here I'm hoping to relate to someone and hopefully get some advice. I'm a wreck right now. My story is pretty long, so here goes:

 

I have been married for a little over 2 years. My wife & I have lived together for a total of 10 years. We have our arguments like all couples. There were a few arguments that were really bad but we always got back together. For the most part we are happy living with our 4 cats and everyone seems to say we are made for each other. My wife had always liked to have fun. She loved going to bars, clubs, dancing. It’s usually a girls night out where she goes with some friends that we know. We have not been intimate lately & the past few weeks my wife has gone out after work for drinks with her co-workers. She works at a mall in retail. She’d go out & I wouldn’t have a problem with it. Sometimes I would give her a hard time about spending more time with her co-workers than me or the cats. She always lets me know ahead of time and calls me or answers when I call her.

 

Thursday evening I spoke to her at 7pm on my way home from work and she said that it is one of her co-worker’s birthday. She would meet them for a couple drinks and come home. She even jokingly said that “it’s not like I’m going to come home at 5am!” She gets off of work from the mall at 10pm (holiday hours). 12am comes along and no call. I call her and get her voicemail. 2am comes along, no call, called her again and get voicemail. 5am same thing. I even txt messaged her saying “I’m worried just call me pls.” No call back. I’m really worried at this point and my mind is thinking about the worst. Finally around 7am I call her cell phone again. She picks up this time. She sounds very tired and sleepy. She said that she got so drunk that she slept at her co-workers house. I said I was happy to hear her voice and to just come home safe. She gets home and goes right to sleep. I haven’t slept all night either so I sleep next to her. When we wake up later that afternoon I tried asking my wife about last night and explained to her my frustration because I did not know where or how she was. All she said was that she went to the bar with her co-workers and got really drunk and decided to sleep over instead of driving home. I explained to her about calling and courtesy and showing respect. Our conversation became an argument and the next thing I know I’ve lost my temper and we are saying hurtful words to one another. She says that our relationship is over. That she is no longer attracted to me. That I’m controlling. That she loves me but she is not IN love with me. She packs some things and puts it in the car and she said she will go stay with her sister for a while

 

We were both pretty angry but I did not want this. She left & I was alone again for the 2nd straight night. Just before going to sleep, I decided to call her. Thinking that she would not answer, but she did. We spoke more calmly this time and she added that she did not want to have a family or children. I was surprised because we talked about it when we are with our friends. She knows that I really want a family and children. She said that she only said those things to make me happy. She continues on saying that our lives are boring, that she wants to be by herself and experience things by herself. She doesn’t want to have to check in with somebody. We spoke with tears in our eyes and I broke down and said I was sorry for everything and if she could just come back. I just wanted to hold her. I told her if you don’t want children then we won’t have children. I told her if you want to go out and no have to call then I won’t worry or try to call you or get mad if I couldn’t get a hold of you. We cried some more and then she said that there was something she had to tell me. I kept asking what it was but she couldn’t bring herself to say it. She finally said that she had to go and would call me back in a little while. I cried going to sleep and I kept wondering about what it was she needed to tell me. I had a gut feeling I knew what it was (cheating on me) but I had to hear it from her mouth.

 

I woke up the next morning early and couldn’t go to sleep any longer. I got dressed and decided to go to her sister’s house. I arrived and her sister let me in. I went upstairs to her room and we both sat down and I began to talk. I said, the boxing gloves are off, I’m not here to argue, I just want to talk honestly about our problem and see if we can come to a decision. I said that no matter what you have to say, I love you very much and I miss you and I want you to come back. She said she didn’t want to right now and that it’s better for us to move along with our own lives. We’re crying again. I asked her to tell me what she wanted to tell me. She paused…didn’t want to say. I said go ahead, we’re being honest right? She still couldn’t say it. I said that only reason I would ever leave her was if she cheated on me or she became crazy and killed someone. I asked, did you cheat on me? She said, what if I did? I said I would take it and be thankful for her honesty and we would go from there. She finally said yes, that was it. I asked if it had been happening for a few weeks now and if she had feelings for him. She said no, it was a one night stand that Thursday evening. She said she was drunk and it happened with a complete stranger.

 

For some reason, it didn’t affect me as much as she or I had thought. I said maybe it just hasn’t sunk in. Maybe I just don’t believe her. That she is just saying this so it would be easier for me to make a decision. I continued to tell her that it doesn’t change how I feel. I still want her back no matter what and we can just forget about this and that everyone deserves a 2nd chance. I pleaded to her that I only want her back no matter what. She again said no. She said this will always be in our minds and we will always think about it and the trust is gone and that everything will never be the same. She said people change we have to accept it. I’m a pathetic, weak, helpless loser because I just still want her back...

[bestadvisor]

She was trying to tell you she cheated on the phone, but she held back. Basically, she had fun that night and she wants more. Can you really accept that?

 

Even if you do take her back and even if she does come back. There will always be a trust issue and every argument that will come up in the future, this one night stand will come to mind and may be even verbalized. It's going to take a lot of work on both side to make this work. Are you ready for it? Is she ready for it?

[egetrop]

Thank you for replying and taking the time to read...

 

She said the same thing about trust and that it would come back up in the future. She says that she doesn’t want to hurt me again, that she is feeling guilty about the one night stand and that it is better for us to be separate. Things just wouldn’t be the same.

 

But somehow I just don't believe that she had a one night stand. I don't believe she cheated on me. I think she is saying that just so it's easier for me to make a decision and that decision from me would be NO to getting back together. I keep thinking that it is her other reasons that she doesn’t want to be together: (1)lack of attraction, intimacy. The love is not the same. Our lives are boring and not exciting. I don’t sweep her off her feet. (2)My temper when we argue. I yell at her and she says I look crazy. (3) I call her to check up on her. I’m not trying to control her. It’s respect isn’t it? I’m just calling to see how you’re doing. I call her to let her know where I’m at and what the plan is. She doesn’t feel the same. (4) People change. We’ve been together too long. She wants to experience new things by herself.

 

I don’t know what to believe or think anymore. The bottom line is though is that she doesn’t seem to want to get back together. But I want her back. I'm willing to make this work. To forget and never bring it up. I guess I’m desperate.

[Nightwolf_58]

Man, your story almost sounds exactly like my situation. My wife would always go out drinking all the time, sometimes not come home, just say she was a friends house. Of course yes, she was cheating. I took her back twice after it all, but my jealous feelings and my trust was never the same again. Ultimately all this caused our marriage to fail. I got the I'm not "in" love with you speech, and everything else.

 

I thought that with marriage counseling, and working on things that everything would work itself out. It never did, because my wife decided that drinking and going out was more important to her then our marriage.

 

It's kind of up to you how to handle this if you think that counseling might help if your wife is even willing to go. I was good for a while, but still had those feelings that turn your stomach upside down. and I just could never trust her again. Maybe being separated for a while will help you both see what you really want in life. bestadvisor is right that now she has the taste of being single again, she may want that more and more. I feel for you, every situation is different ad only you can really see what exactly the situation is. See if she is willing to go to counseling, and make a small steps from there. Maybe things can be patched up, or worst case you learn from your mistakes and go a different direction. Good luck with it.

[bestadvisor]

bestadvisor is right.

 

As usual.

 

 

But somehow I just don't believe that she had a one night stand. I don't believe she cheated on me.

 

I think you're in denial. If she's not cheating, why did she hesitated to tell you? If she's not cheating, why all the crying?

 

I would go even further, by saying that this might not be her first time doing it. First time spending the whole night? Yes. First time cheating while out drinking? Probably not.

[egetrop]

She doesn't want to go to counseling. I think she's made up her mind and that is to separate and divorce. It happened all so sudden...I thank you for relating to me. I hope you are doing better yourself...

[Adreanna]

This must be a painful time for you. I wouldn't advice you to take her back because she can always do it again. I can't believe you offered to take her back and even suggested that you wouldn't call her or ask where she is as long as she is back in your arms. That is only telling her that she can take advantage of you.

 

I don't even think it was a complete stranger that she slept with. It could easily be her co-worker and she wants to see him again. Think about that. I'm sorry, I know this is painful and it probably hasn't sunked in yet but please, just take a moment and think about the whole situation.

[egetrop]

This must be a painful time for you. I wouldn't advice you to take her back because she can always do it again. I can't believe you offered to take her back and even suggested that you wouldn't call her or ask where she is as long as she is back in your arms. That is only telling her that she can take advantage of you.

 

I don't even think it was a complete stranger that she slept with. It could easily be her co-worker and she wants to see him again. Think about that. I'm sorry, I know this is painful and it probably hasn't sunked in yet but please, just take a moment and think about the whole situation.

Thank you. Sometimes I feel strong and say to myself "yeah, I'm not wrong. I didn't do anything. I don't need her." But sometimes I'm so weak & I remember things because I'm still in this house and everything in this house reminds me of her. When I pet our cats I remember. I then break down and cry. I'm helpless without her...

[Nightwolf_58]

Eventually you will remain strong and it won't hurt so much. I went on for a couple months just feeling horrible. I would break down on at work sometimes and on my way home. I know exactly how it feels. You want her back because you remember all the good times and think of the future and what you want. It hurts to have to let go of your dreams.

 

Like I said before, you will get to the point where it has all sunken in, and you can actually look forward to moving on with your life. It's been 3 months for me, and I'm going to get myself a new place, and I'm ready to just move on. Right now is your time to grieve, and there is nothing wrong with that. It might take you a few months, or maybe up to a year, it's hard to say. Eventually, it will hit you that you are better off without her and that you deserve to be with someone that will appreciate you and give you 110% back, because that is what you deserve.

[BettyBoop]

Sounds to me like she cheated on you because she wanted a reason for you two not to be able to get back together...

 

To be honest, she should't have cheated on you - but she tried to give you an "easier way out" since you said you'd leave her if she cheated on you. Hence the "what if I did"-question. Her thinking in that situation was not unique. Regardless of the ONS, she would have still left you. She just took an "easy escape-route" by giving herself a big reason for it, because you can't argue with "we'll never trust each other again."

 

You can't make someone want to stay with you, even though you're willing to forgive and forget everything that happened. All you can do, is love them for what they once resembled to you and move on hoping you both one day will find happiness with someone else.

[MrMichael]

well, I will say that on the one hand, you did get it out of her that she cheated...some people wont or cant admit to that, that "gut" feeling you speak of, well you were right...on the other hand you say it doesnt bother you, and maybe it wouldnt..like nightwolf says, every situation is diffrent...heres where you need to assess the whole deal>TRUST...could you ever trust her again, I mean she went outside the marriage..thats serious business dude, at least to me.i think for now, focus on yourself, and write things down get HONEST...your answer will come, write this tuff on paper, look at it...you want a family>she doesnt....you havent been intimate>she has,,,with SOMEONE ELSE...

 

If you want her back, lay it on the line,but be wiling to accept that she has done this once, and though its commendable of you to forgive her, theres the saying " a leopard doesnt change it's spots"...is she capable of cheating again?

 

I feel your pain, and though not married, ive been down this road a few times...forgiveness is good, but reality is another, just somethin to think about.

[egetrop]

Thank you all for your responses. I am in denial. I am shocked. But, I feel a little stronger today. I managed to clear the living room of most items including pictures on the wall that would remind me of her and what we once had. Then I found old birthdays cards that we sent to one another. Of course I read what we wrote back then and started crying. I pulled myself together, grabbed all the cards & put them on a pile. I also placed both our wedding rings next to the pile of cards. I'll probably write something and leave it on top of the pile of cards as well. I'm not sure what to say. She's says she is going to come back to pick up more things (when I'm not home probably) and I want her to see this. Moving on very very slowly...