OpenBook Posted December 2, 2007 Posted December 2, 2007 Hi, I was just wondering, why don't you have control over who you fall in love with? I used to date some real "not-so-winners"... guys with co-dependency issues, financial problems, guys who were jerks to me and others, typical "bad boys" etc. Then I decided to have a set of standards and "filter" out guys who had characteristics I didn't want in a partner. Example, being married. That way I gained control over who I dated and let myself fall in love with. I think you can have control over who fall in love with if you CHOOSE to. I've been going to pre-marital counseling and it's taught me a lot, for instance, love is a choice, and requires active commitment and reinforcement... love is NOT infatuation which is a passive kind of "it just happened to me" FALLING for someone, for more selfish reasons. There are lots of people we "could" fall in love with or feel feelings for, but only some that are the type of people we truly want to build a life/ long-term relationship with. Real love puts the other person first and sees that the other person puts US first. It's not just accidental feelings. I guess I don't think there's such a thing as FALLING in love, because love takes time and an attitude to develop. There is falling in lust, falling in infatuation, etc... and if we decide to, we can definitely control if the lust/ infatuation leads to love or not. I think we should be able to control who we fall in love with by not putting our hearts out there too much, protecting our hearts so to speak until our MINDs and GUTs also agree that this is a good guy to be with and situation for us to be in. Like, don't just fall in LOVE with everyone you fall in LUST/ INFATUATION with, so to speak. Ultimately that's probably not the wisest course. Yeah, you might find yourself falling in love with a homeless person, but is that the right relationship for you? Maybe... then pursue it. Maybe not... then don't pursue it. I think it would create all kinds of chaos if we just went around letting ourselves fall in love with anyone we might have a connection with. And maybe you would one day want to get married to someone that has withstood your filtering system... the right guy for you, the right situation for you, the right FEELINGS turning into the right ACTIONS/ commitment. Just my two cents (I'm pretty new here and have been lurking, but I just wanted to comment about that because it's something I've been thinking about a lot.) Thanks. Well OK then. Boy that's a lot of information! You really have been thinking this through... and I think that's a very sensible thing to do, since you are heading into marriage. DON'T DO IT!! No - sorry, that's my other - RUN FOR THE HILLS!! D'Oh... May I offer my condol-- I mean, my congratulations and best wishes!!
writeon Posted December 2, 2007 Posted December 2, 2007 May I offer my condol-- I mean, my congratulations and best wishes!! Thanks... I guess... lol. I used to think I would never get married, either. My parents have a horrid marriage. I thought everyone I knew was either divorced, cheating (hence my interest in an OW forum lol), or unhappily married. But I met a fantastic guy who changed my mind. And I guess I changed my mind on my own, too, by talking to people who have been married for a long time and are happy. One man I talked to, my fiance's co-worker, has been married for 35 years and they are very sweet together -- he always opens doors for her, tells her funny jokes that make her laugh, they hold hands, she has been sick with cancer for the last few years and he takes care of her, etc. He told me that "marriage requires hard work. The people I know with happy marriages, including myself, are the ones who have put the most effort into it and worked the hardest at it." I won't ever forget that -- I admire their marriage and want mine to be like that. So thanks for the best wishes.
OpenBook Posted December 2, 2007 Posted December 2, 2007 Thanks... I guess... lol. I used to think I would never get married, either. My parents have a horrid marriage. I thought everyone I knew was either divorced, cheating (hence my interest in an OW forum lol), or unhappily married. But I met a fantastic guy who changed my mind. And I guess I changed my mind on my own, too, by talking to people who have been married for a long time and are happy. One man I talked to, my fiance's co-worker, has been married for 35 years and they are very sweet together -- he always opens doors for her, tells her funny jokes that make her laugh, they hold hands, she has been sick with cancer for the last few years and he takes care of her, etc. He told me that "marriage requires hard work. The people I know with happy marriages, including myself, are the ones who have put the most effort into it and worked the hardest at it." I won't ever forget that -- I admire their marriage and want mine to be like that. So thanks for the best wishes. Yes, it's examples like that that keep my hope alive. Darn it all! It would be so much simpler if I gave up on the idea entirely. I really do wish you well. It is such an exciting and magical time in your life. Enjoy it!!
writeon Posted December 2, 2007 Posted December 2, 2007 If we didn't want to helplessly fall in love with a particular individual, then we wouldn't spend time with this person and / or do things with this person that would help us To fall in love with them. We do have control over our actions that can lead us to falling in love with someone. Method? If you do not want to fall in love with someone, then Stay Away!!! Hi Gwyneth, I completely agree with that part of your post. That's what I was trying to say. We can choose not to fall in love with someone by refusing to spend time with them and refusing to let our feelings for them grow stronger. We can just walk away, knowing that we are better off without them in our lives.
OpenBook Posted December 2, 2007 Posted December 2, 2007 If we didn't want to helplessly fall in love with a particular individual, then we wouldn't spend time with this person and / or do things with this person that would help us To fall in love with them. We do have control over our actions that can lead us to falling in love with someone. Method? If you do not want to fall in love with someone, then Stay Away!!! Hi Gwyneth, I completely agree with that part of your post. That's what I was trying to say. We can choose not to fall in love with someone by refusing to spend time with them and refusing to let our feelings for them grow stronger. We can just walk away, knowing that we are better off without them in our lives. (Sigh.) I only wish it were that simple. It has not been my experience. I am in love with someone who is unavailable to me. I have been in love with him for years. I have chosen not to get too close to him... not to get involved. It is painful, sad, even agonizing for me at times. But it is also a source of joy. I feel privileged to even know him at all. I cannot control my feelings for him. I simply can't help it. But I can (and do) control my behavior, and how I conduct my life. Is it the right thing to do, and the course that I would recommend to others? I have no freaking clue. It is simply what I have done.
Gwyneth Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 (Sigh.) I only wish it were that simple. It has not been my experience. I am in love with someone who is unavailable to me. I have been in love with him for years. I have chosen not to get too close to him... not to get involved. It is painful, sad, even agonizing for me at times. But it is also a source of joy. I feel privileged to even know him at all. I cannot control my feelings for him. I simply can't help it. But I can (and do) control my behavior, and how I conduct my life. Is it the right thing to do, and the course that I would recommend to others? I have no freaking clue. It is simply what I have done. For some reason, maybe even out of your control, you fell in love with this man. The universe is telling you something--there must be a reason you fell in love with him even when you tried not to. Sometimes when we try too hard, we fail. Maybe that is the case with you. The man I am having the affair with told me that he will not fall in love with me because he cannot due to him being married. Yet, I believe he has fallen in love with me. His actions and words indicate this very much. He said he couldn't fall in love with me, yet he did Nothing to prevent himself From falling in love with me. We can set our mind to think one way, but our body and soul thinks another way.
addicted2love Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 My MM and I have been in love w/ each other for 18 years. When we first fell in love we were both single and young. Our relationship didn't work out for a number of reasons and we both moved on and got married. Here's the kicker...over the last 14 years neither one of us ever stopped thinking about or loving the other. He made contact again and those old feelings for each other never died. So here we are...married to other people, both with children, houses and responsibilities. Neither one of us has ever gotten from our spouses what we bring to each other but out of duty, commitment and responsibility we stay put. I tried to choose not to love him anymore by moving away and marrying someone else. Those were my actions. But I was not able to actually forget him and stop loving him all these years. For me it wasn't a matter of having a "choice" of loving or not loving this man. It's there, it's always been there and as much as I've tried I can't make it die. God I WISH it were a choice! A2L
noforgiveness Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 My MM and I have been in love w/ each other for 18 years. When we first fell in love we were both single and young. Our relationship didn't work out for a number of reasons and we both moved on and got married. Here's the kicker...over the last 14 years neither one of us ever stopped thinking about or loving the other. He made contact again and those old feelings for each other never died. So here we are...married to other people, both with children, houses and responsibilities. Neither one of us has ever gotten from our spouses what we bring to each other but out of duty, commitment and responsibility we stay put. I tried to choose not to love him anymore by moving away and marrying someone else. Those were my actions. But I was not able to actually forget him and stop loving him all these years. For me it wasn't a matter of having a "choice" of loving or not loving this man. It's there, it's always been there and as much as I've tried I can't make it die. God I WISH it were a choice! A2L So addicted what is your relationship with your husband like? Do you love him? If dday happens will you leave your husband or the om?
Gwyneth Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 You are right. It is sad that some of these women won't find out until they test for positive for an std and the others won't find out at all. Some will find out and kick their Mr. Messy Pants to the curb. Oh wow...that's the absolute Worst way to find out your husband is unfaithful.
NoIDidn't Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 The OP is so funny. And its so true. A MM wanting an A, whether he advertises for it or not, is simply thinking of his own needs. He needs more sex - even though his W has medical issues. Selfish. He is not planning to leave his W and family, and needs a special friend - funny and selfish. What the hell is a "special friend"? A FWB? Hilarious. Thanks. LOL.
Gwyneth Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 I don't think All MM are looking for another sex partner, but maybe a friend of the opposite sex to just be close to. I do not understand men--Never have, Never will, so I really do not know why the need to have OW, but I am pretty sure my MM is with me because he is supplementing what he isn't getting at home. Today when we hung out, he said that he hasn't spoken to his wife in a couple of days, nor had sex with her in a few days (so he says...). I told him "so you say" and whether that's true or not, I do not really care. I'd rather not hear about his marriage and when he's with me, the ring comes off. Period. Most people though think about their own needs when taking actions. It's human nature. Many people are selfish--but is that being selfish or just being a human being?
addicted2love Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 So addicted what is your relationship with your husband like? Do you love him? If dday happens will you leave your husband or the om? NF...Honestly my H and I are great friends and room mates. As parents we are a great team. Yes I do love him. It is a different kind of love than the love I share w/ my MM. What I have w/ my MM is a connection, a bond and an understanding that I've never felt with my H. There has always been something missing in my marriage. I've never felt settled. I married very young and I was not over my MM when I met my H. I thought I would get over him as time went by but that didn't happen. To answer your last question. I really don't know what I would do. A2L
twistedapart1 Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 Ok, it might be sad for the wife, but I changed my initial position. The ongoing theme seems to be that these men have tried as much as they could to have their needs met in their relationship to no avail. Basically, the women aren't putting the effort needed for a marriage to be a success. They seem open and honest in these extra ads that I have checked out in a random city on craigslist: ================= Intimacy means being close, touching, kissing, holding, talking softly, caressing and than letting things progress naturally. This is what this married, 51 yr old man is missing. I am NOT looking for intercourse. I love my wife very much, but the intimacy has left our marriage. If you are a woman of any age, race or size that may be in the same situation or are just looking for what I describd, email me and let's talk. [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]================== [/sIZE][/FONT]Well I have been in a relationship for along time now an it isn't the same as when it first started. I have tried over an over an still nothing has changed... am looking to try something new... I am 6'2" 220 blonde hair blue eye's love to cook,shoot pool,bowling,good conversations,watching movies.... I am pretty laid back no drugs not of a drinker dont like fish. Well if this sounds interesting to you hit me up an we can exchange photo's........ [FONT=Arial][/FONT]================== I've been married for 17 years, my wife wants nothing to do with me. (sexually) but everything else, she has no problem with. I have filed for divorce before, and we reconciled for the kids sake. We have not had sex but 3 x in the last 2 years! I'm here and game, but i will never leave home until my children are raised and grown..any ladies in a loveless, Godless marrige? =============== [sIZE=5]Good-looking married guy (sexless marriage) looking for married woman. - m4w - 32[/sIZE] [sIZE=3]Hello ladies. First of all, this seems very sleazy, posting on Craigslist. But I'm at my wits' end. I've been married for 10 years now. I have a great wife and 2 beautiful children. I have a house and 3 cars and wonderful career and life is great, except for the fact that my wife has completely lost her sex drive and no longer wants anything to do with me (except as a provider for our children and our lifestyle). We got married when we were 21 and we bought a house and started having babies, and things were wonderful for several years. But I haven't had sex in months. My wife has completely lost it and has even HINTED that I should go out and find something somewhere else. So that's where I am and why I'm here. I doubt this will work at all, but I may as well give it a shot. I do NOT want to ruin my marriage. I do not want my children growing up with a single parent, and I will ALWAYS keep my family close to me and always look out for their interests. But I can't live a life that is lacking intimacy and passion. I'm a very energetic, loving, caring, and PASSIONATE guy and I need to let it out somehow. So here I am. Trying to have an affair. I'd prefer to meet up with somebody who is also married and in the same situation as I am. Maybe we can bitch about our spouses together... But if you're single, that's also fine. Physically? I'm a tall and thin white guy. 6'1", 185lbs. Clean-cut with brown hair and eyes. Maybe we could meet up for a drink somewhere? [/sIZE]
White Flower Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 I completely agree with you indianlover. This is what most MM are thinking, either sub-consciously or consciously, when they enter into an affair, but if they really TOLD us all of this, we'd say "no way." Instead, it's more subtle, and we fall for it because it's more personal, it's happening to US, instead of on some online site as an advertisement for the same exact thing. I was going to post this if no one else did. For all I know, my MM could have posted this. If I had read it I would have run screaming in the other direction. But I ended up with the same result that was promised by most of those ad-placers. Only difference is the "natural process" of courting, dating, and falling in love. But even after the natural process, most of us end up running and screaming.
White Flower Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 "I am married...yet feel so lonely. There is no connection, no spark...nothing left. What to do? There is no reason to get out of bed in the morning, nothing to look forward to anymore... Anyone else feel this way? I could sure use a special friend right now." "Marriages can become emotionally and sexually dry. Partners grow distant. I’m in that situation. Maybe you are, too. I understand that a family is your first priority. We’ll cultivate trust and the intimacy you might be missing without disturbing your situation." This is just a fact with most marriages. And it's a shame, but most of these women will never find out that their husband is cheatin! You're right; isn't it sad?
frannie Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 OK it seems I'm the dissenting voice here, but I see nothing wrong with being totally upfront and honest about what you want and what you're willing to give. I think all relationships could benefit with that kind of honesty. While some people might not like what's on offer, it's their choice to say no thanks and walk on to something they prefer. There are others - and previously I'd have been one of them - who would welcome an involvement that literally was just what was offered - wonderful times, but no demands and no commitments beyond that. And certainly no expectations of breeding or housekeeping or listening to him whining on about his miserable day at work! What I despise are those people who OFFER one thing - explicitly or by insinuation - and then go on to have something entirely else in mind. Either promising (as in many of the stories here) a full-time, long-term happy-ever-after ending but in reality not able to deliver; or promising (as so often in my experience) no-strings fun only and in reality wanting your undying, single-minded attention and devotion and white picket fences and swimming pools and mini me's in matching outfits and the station wagon parked in the garage. And somehow expect you to be cool with the subterfuge, because of some notion that that was really what it was all about from the outset. No, you're not a lone voice here. I too would rather have things open and honest and stated up front. That's what craigslist is about, and for the men and women who want that, it seems to work for them. I think that's far, far better, as you say, than thinking that way and saying something else in order to lead people on. There are obviously women who are prepared to accept this at face value because of their own home situation and lack of intimacy there. If so, who are we all to question their choices?
Impudent Oyster Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 Just out of curiosity - do you think we DO have control over who we fall in love with?? Of course you do, unless you're missing a brain.
Gwyneth Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 Of course you do, unless you're missing a brain. That's the thing though...some people fall in love w/out thinking...which would mean, no brain.
OpenBook Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 Love (the real thing, anyway) passes all understanding, all reason, all intelligence. This thing has got me by the jugular. I have no idea why I love him -- I just do. I don't even think he is my "soulmate" (if there is such a thing). He is simply the finest thing I've seen in all my life (thank you Anita Baker!!). I believe I am loving him well by keeping a respectful distance. I also believe I am loving myself well by not putting myself into a dangerous and risky position that has great potential for hurt... well, a lot more hurt than I feel by not being with him. But hey -- it's been 7 years. Maybe I'll get the proverbial 7-year itch and forget all about him!!:D:D (I also know that love can be fickle.) If I could only be so lucky...
terrified Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 Not thinking about MM anymore. Got enough problems on my plate..but this topic caught my eye. Somehow I don't think there can ever be real love in an affair..and more so from a MM to his OW. I still think the overriding reason for MM to start an affair is sex.. maybe someone to speak to and spend some extra time with, to boost his ego, or just because he has the opportunity to. Unfortunately I learned this the hard way.. being somehow "manipulated" into an affair by someone who knew the right things to say, at the right time. But still, it's not like he put a gun to my head.. I willingly got suckered into it.. so it's all water under the bridge now. But I just think that we shldn't get too carried away by romance or fiction (my MM used to feed me with possibilities and scenes from such movies)..You never know..maybe the writers are MM themselves. You might be one of the few who do find true love from their MM.. but with all the pain, secrecy, guilt, longing.. is it really worth it?
frannie Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 Not thinking about MM anymore. Got enough problems on my plate..but this topic caught my eye. Somehow I don't think there can ever be real love in an affair..and more so from a MM to his OW. I still think the overriding reason for MM to start an affair is sex.. maybe someone to speak to and spend some extra time with, to boost his ego, or just because he has the opportunity to. Unfortunately I learned this the hard way.. being somehow "manipulated" into an affair by someone who knew the right things to say, at the right time. But still, it's not like he put a gun to my head.. I willingly got suckered into it.. so it's all water under the bridge now. But I just think that we shldn't get too carried away by romance or fiction (my MM used to feed me with possibilities and scenes from such movies)..You never know..maybe the writers are MM themselves. You might be one of the few who do find true love from their MM.. but with all the pain, secrecy, guilt, longing.. is it really worth it? Do you think that the reasons men go into affairs are different from the reasons they go into any relationship? As you say: sex, someone to talk to and spend time with. Yes, the commitment is missing from affairs, the desire to begin a family (usually), set up home, etc. But if someone is having an affair, they have no real need of those things (they already have them). I don't think we should get carried away by romance, either. I'm not a big believer in it I'm afraid Whether or not it's worth the love to be in an affair..? Obviously a personal answer, here. I would never, ever advise anyone to get themselves involved with someone already commited to another person. I think it's almost always a recipe for heartache. But I'm not a big one for regrets, and I'm very happy that I met him and that we shared what we did. Love can never offer any guarantees, and we did part on good terms and I'll always have good memories.
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