Nur Posted December 1, 2007 Posted December 1, 2007 Hey guys, I could really use some opinions. Okay, so: I am a junior in college who hasn't had a whole lot of dating experience. I started dating my first boyfriend when I graduated high school, and we broke up over the summer after being together for two years. We also broke up for a while the summer before that, but got back together. Both cases, he broke up with me, not because he didn't love me, but because when he's stressed he has the tendency to push everything away. He just wasn't mature enough for a relationship. Lately, though, (we go to the same college now) I've noticed a lot of growth in him, and his ability to deal with stress is becoming better. I still have feelings for him, but I'm also doubtful and find it hard to trust him. After all, he broke my heart twice. I want to give him another chance because I still care deeply for him and he's been my best friend for years, but something holds me back. If I had to describe him, I would call him sweet, cheerful, adorable (like when you see him, you just want to give him a huge hug), extremely loyal (he's never once looked at another girl), and he's extremely good looking, if a bit scrawny. He's also fantastic in bed, and very sexy. On the downside, he tends to be difficult to take seriously, and a lot of times I feel like I am the more responsible one. Kind of like that preview for "PS I love you," where the girl says, "Why can't I be the cute, carefree Irish guy who sings all the time?" Replace "Irish" with "Peruvian" and you've got him. Except, of course, he takes his studies seriously and wants to have a good job. This guy has a lot of the same values that I do, and I could really see something lasting with him, but like I said, I feel hesitant. Enter guy two. He's Christian, so he believes in no pre-marital sex, and takes a lot of the bible seriously, but he's not the kind of guy to try to convert you or be critical of your beliefs. He's not denominational, though, so he might still go to my church (both my ex and I are Unitarian Universalists). He's a really good guy value-wise, and I've been having a good time getting to know him and talking. He asked me out a week ago, and we had a nice time. Last night after playing cards with a group of friends, we stayed up till 5 am in the lobby talking about all sorts of stuff. I feel a connection to him, and around him I always feel like I should strive to be the best that I can be. He's extremely athletic, and attractive, and able to deal with 18 hours of really tough classes without giving off the impression of being totally stressed, even though inside he's competitive and wants to do well. I feel respect and admiration toward him, and like I can be the one to sort of depend on him when things go badly and he's really got my back. If I could describe him, I'd say he was capable, caring, decent, deep, strong, and admirable. My problem is, which guy would be better to date seriously? My ex, who is charming and sweet and who always lightens my spirits and makes me feel perfect for who I am, but who also makes me feel responsible and is kind of helpless when things go really wrong? Or the new guy, who is dependable and a deep thinker and strong, and makes me feel respect toward him and that "he can handle it", but also makes me feel a little judged (this might go away once he knows me better), and like I need to be the best that I am? Has anyone dated two people like this? Which makes the better long-term partner? I know that I don't need to choose now, but I know the choice will have to be made eventually, and I don't want to make the wrong one.
norajane Posted December 1, 2007 Posted December 1, 2007 I would date the new guy. You've already been with your ex and you know what that feels like. It might be time to try seeing someone else and spread your wings a little. Settling down with one guy before you've had an opportunity to be with other people doesn't allow you to see who YOU are with someone else, and how YOU are - what they bring out in you. You might like the way you are and the way you feel with someone else much better than with your ex. I firmly believe there are many people out there we could end up with and be happy with. The texture and flavor of every relationship is different, and had I not had the experience of being with different people, I wouldn't have known how they each bring out different parts of me. Settle down with someone who brings out the parts of you that you like most about yourself.
Author Nur Posted December 1, 2007 Author Posted December 1, 2007 That's a very insightful point. I suppose the only thing holding me back is: how will dating (or getting into a relationship) with the new guy hurt my ex? I really care about him, and he'll probably pull away from me and cause me to lose my best friend if I get with the new guy. So if I actually *do* end up preferring how I felt with my ex, then there will be no going back. I'd break up with the new guy, losing him as a close friend, and my ex would probably have moved on. That would leave me with very few friends, lol. I guess if it's really meant to be, though, and he loves me as much as he claims, my ex would take me back if I found out he's truly the one I want to be with. After all, I took him back once and stayed his friend afterward the second time. And he's the one that broke up with me and put me in this position in the first place. So you're probably right -- I should give the new guy a chance, and see how I end up feeling with him, and if it works out, then great, and if not, then at least I'll have found out who I truly belong with and the doubts will be gone.
norajane Posted December 1, 2007 Posted December 1, 2007 I should give the new guy a chance, and see how I end up feeling with him, and if it works out, then great, and if not, then at least I'll have found out who I truly belong with and the doubts will be gone. Well, if new guy does not work out that doesn't mean you will have found out that you truly belong with your ex. It will just mean you don't belong with new guy. You and your ex still might not be right for each other. It's not either/or. Neither of them might be right.
Author Nur Posted December 1, 2007 Author Posted December 1, 2007 That's true. But I don't know how many other types of guys there are. It seems like those two are pretty good archetypes for what's out there. I'll just have to see what happens as time plays out.
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