Jump to content
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Posted

Well I guess I’ll start this post with the basic information of what went on, it’s long and emotional so bear with me, I just really don’t know what to do right now with myself or my life in general.

 

My wife got into a real bad car accident with a semi, a little over a year ago, and went into physical therapy and counseling a few months after that she started acting strange, normal biweekly nights out with the girls turned into Friday night and Saturday night, and not showing back up till 10-11am the following morning, she just said I was too drunk to drive. I delt with that for a few months, then I really started worrying, it was driving me crazy. I went into spy mode (I now feel horrible for doing it). I put spy ware to capture all activates on both of our computers, and hired a pi to follow her on the weekend. Well the spy ware was more than enough for me, I found aim conversations that she had been having with a guy in NJ since our marriage began, they seemed innocent, and then they switched to sexual, and we need to meet conversations. I went over the edge one night when I read the log and realized I was downstairs working my ass off on remodeling our basement and installing new electrical service, and she was upstairs getting her rocks off talking to this guy. I kept it in and didn’t confront her, three weeks later the PI concluded his investigation, he showed me pictures of her out with her friends and a guy every Friday and Saturday, at the end of the night she would go home with him, upstairs lights in his apartment would turn on and then off, and she would not leave till late the next morning, call me as she was leaving and say she was leaving her g/f’s house. I lost it at that point, I confronted her, hired a lawyer, we lived in a separated state till august when she moved out. We still talk, things are somewhat better, I want her back, she wants me back at some level, and we both don’t know how to trust each other again.

 

My next issue is I’ve dated a few people trying to remove my mind from her and I can’t when I think about her, all I can think about is the last 3 years of marriage and how good they were, how much love their was, and how can I ever recreate that with someone else, or even let someone back into my heart. All I can think about is my life is over without her in my life. I’m seeing a psychiatrist, and a clinical psychologist with the VA, I’m also dealing with PTSD, from service overseas, and service as a first responder to 9/11. Both professionals feel the divorce / separation is aggravating the PTSD and making it 100 times harder to deal with, I just don’t know how to get through this, I’m on a large dose of antidepressants, a large dose of anxiety meds when I need it, and sleeping pills every night, and a dream remover to remove the ability to have flash backs from the PTSD when I sleep.

 

Everyone says I need friends and family, well I moved to where I am now and have nothing, I moved here when we got married I have a couple of coworkers. Friends started slowly being pushes away as secluded myself more and more over the years, and stayed away from large social situations because of the PTSD. My family is 3,000 or so miles away in Oregon. I want to move home but I can’t I own a property that is in the middle of a remodel, I can’t get the motivation to finish it, and the skill isn’t an issue. And my job is way too good, I’ve already tried to find something in the same field that pays close to what I make, and it’s not been good. I fear social environments by myself I just can’t walk into a bar and start making friends, it seems far to uncivilized and more of a meat market of what your trying to go home with.

 

I’m sorry for the rambling, but my biggest question is how do I move on with my life, how do I not let this break me and keep me held back, and end this feeling sorry for myself. If she doesn’t want to give me another chance, then I have to start proceeding for the end. No one seems to be able to answer the questions due to the fact they’ve never really had any experience with anyone with Severe PTSD and dealing with a divorce that is not simple.

 

Thank you in advance for any answers

 

R.G.

Posted

The PTSD just compounds it but you can get over most of it. I say "most" because according to my wife I still have night terrors a couple of times a year going back almost 40 years to Vietnam.

 

No one can tell you what your tolerance level for your wife's behavior is. Only you can determine that and at some point in time you're going to have to figure that out. Only then will you be able to move on with your life, with or without her.

 

A couple of clarifications and hard, cold truths for you. First of all, your life will NOT be over without her in it. It will simply be a bit different; maybe even better. After all, she's nominally in it now and look where you are emotionally.

 

Secondly, you can never recreate what you had with your wife with someone else. But you can create something just as good with someone else who will be faithful to you, and very possibly something much, much better. I guarantee it. You wouldn't really want the same as you had because look at how that's turning out.

 

Best of luck. We're here for you!

Posted
Well I guess I’ll start this post with the basic information of what went on, it’s long and emotional so bear with me, I just really don’t know what to do right now with myself or my life in general.

 

My wife got into a real bad car accident with a semi, a little over a year ago, and went into physical therapy and counseling a few months after that she started acting strange, normal biweekly nights out with the girls turned into Friday night and Saturday night, and not showing back up till 10-11am the following morning, she just said I was too drunk to drive. I delt with that for a few months, then I really started worrying, it was driving me crazy. I went into spy mode (I now feel horrible for doing it). I put spy ware to capture all activates on both of our computers, and hired a pi to follow her on the weekend. Well the spy ware was more than enough for me, I found aim conversations that she had been having with a guy in NJ since our marriage began, they seemed innocent, and then they switched to sexual, and we need to meet conversations. I went over the edge one night when I read the log and realized I was downstairs working my ass off on remodeling our basement and installing new electrical service, and she was upstairs getting her rocks off talking to this guy. I kept it in and didn’t confront her, three weeks later the PI concluded his investigation, he showed me pictures of her out with her friends and a guy every Friday and Saturday, at the end of the night she would go home with him, upstairs lights in his apartment would turn on and then off, and she would not leave till late the next morning, call me as she was leaving and say she was leaving her g/f’s house. I lost it at that point, I confronted her, hired a lawyer, we lived in a separated state till august when she moved out. We still talk, things are somewhat better, I want her back, she wants me back at some level, and we both don’t know how to trust each other again.

 

My next issue is I’ve dated a few people trying to remove my mind from her and I can’t when I think about her, all I can think about is the last 3 years of marriage and how good they were, how much love their was, and how can I ever recreate that with someone else, or even let someone back into my heart. All I can think about is my life is over without her in my life. I’m seeing a psychiatrist, and a clinical psychologist with the VA, I’m also dealing with PTSD, from service overseas, and service as a first responder to 9/11. Both professionals feel the divorce / separation is aggravating the PTSD and making it 100 times harder to deal with, I just don’t know how to get through this, I’m on a large dose of antidepressants, a large dose of anxiety meds when I need it, and sleeping pills every night, and a dream remover to remove the ability to have flash backs from the PTSD when I sleep.

 

Everyone says I need friends and family, well I moved to where I am now and have nothing, I moved here when we got married I have a couple of coworkers. Friends started slowly being pushes away as secluded myself more and more over the years, and stayed away from large social situations because of the PTSD. My family is 3,000 or so miles away in Oregon. I want to move home but I can’t I own a property that is in the middle of a remodel, I can’t get the motivation to finish it, and the skill isn’t an issue. And my job is way too good, I’ve already tried to find something in the same field that pays close to what I make, and it’s not been good. I fear social environments by myself I just can’t walk into a bar and start making friends, it seems far to uncivilized and more of a meat market of what your trying to go home with.

 

I’m sorry for the rambling, but my biggest question is how do I move on with my life, how do I not let this break me and keep me held back, and end this feeling sorry for myself. If she doesn’t want to give me another chance, then I have to start proceeding for the end. No one seems to be able to answer the questions due to the fact they’ve never really had any experience with anyone with Severe PTSD and dealing with a divorce that is not simple.

 

Thank you in advance for any answers

 

R.G.

 

Doesn't it sometimes REALLY suck to be a compassionate guy?

 

Obviously you are, because you prefaced your post with the info regarding your wife's auto accident, thus creating an excuse for her actions. When, actually, there's should be no correlation between the two. Her accident, while obviously traumatic to her ( & you as well, I'm sure ), didn't give her the right to cheat on you & your marriage.

 

Yet, despite that truth, you're looking to give her an excuse for what she's done because, you love her & you're being compassionate toward her & her feelings, even though she's the one that's wronged you. And, I recognize this in you so well because, I do the same damned thing myself.

 

I don't know if your PTSD has anything to do with this trait in you or not. It doesn't seem likely to me, but more just a facet of who you are as a person. With the PTSD compounded it. My issues are more related to my issues with low self-esteem. Something that I've suffered with my whole life. Which, unfortunately tends to make me allow myself myself to become a victim in emotional matters. Like a wife's infidelity.

 

And, isn't it amazing how some people ( I was going to say women, but I don't want to come across as misogynistic, it's just that being a hetero man all my life's relationships have been with women so ... ) in our lives take advantage of that once they recognize it. Such as your wife's apparently feeling betrayed by your spying on her. Even though her actions were the catalyst for said spying. Which is like a thief being angry at a homeowner for catching him robbing their house IMO.

 

I mean, what did she expect? For you to just ignore the obvious & let her get away with it for as long as she wished to? Then, she'd have likely resented you for "not paying attention to her" & what she was up to! So, her anger at you for discovering her infidelity is just bollocks. Total rubbish IMO.

 

So, don't let her turn it all around on you mate. When you were suffering from the effects of your PTSD you didn't use it as an excuse to cheat on her, did you? Nope. And, when she was injured in her accident & going through her period of recovery afterward (which I'm sure was no picnic for you either), you didn't run out with your mates & hook up with some other chick to make yourself feel better, now did you? Doesn't sound like you did. So, go easier on yourself my friend. She was wrong. Not you.

 

Take care & peace.

  • Author
Posted

Thanks for the feedback, I'm trying my best at the moment. I'm actually going out tonight with a coworker for a bit just to get out and about and get my mind off today's events.

 

My ex and I still talk, we do not have a legal seperation, nor a divorce, we've been living apart for six months. Do I need to get a legal seperation? Do I need to just stop talking to her? It seems like every time we talk or try and just do lunch like today, things go out of control, the name calling starts, and I end up dosing myself with a hefty load of prescribed anxiety meds, to get me to a calm state where I'm not going to do anything stupid. How do you go about just not ever talking again to someone you spent a good period of time with that was good to you at one point?

Posted
Thanks for the feedback, I'm trying my best at the moment. I'm actually going out tonight with a coworker for a bit just to get out and about and get my mind off today's events.

 

My ex and I still talk, we do not have a legal seperation, nor a divorce, we've been living apart for six months. Do I need to get a legal seperation? Do I need to just stop talking to her? It seems like every time we talk or try and just do lunch like today, things go out of control, the name calling starts, and I end up dosing myself with a hefty load of prescribed anxiety meds, to get me to a calm state where I'm not going to do anything stupid. How do you go about just not ever talking again to someone you spent a good period of time with that was good to you at one point?

 

...to do is make a decision as whether you're going to go or you're going to stay. That's rather crucial to any and all subsequent decisions you'll have to make.

 

Clearly your wife is a trigger for your depression and anxiety so why do you continue to walk into the same trap time and again?

 

As for not talking, in time that becomes natural, especially if you don't have children together. Then there's no reason for continued dialog after settlement.

 

I was married to the ex for 25 years. I first met her when I was six and she was one. She had a sister my age who was a childhood friend briefly. My parents (now long deceased) knew her parents (her father is deceased) because we all lived on the same small island.

 

The ex and I have five children and four grandchildren with another expected in the next 10 days. Even with all that, I've not seen nor spoken to her for about four years. If I never do again that will be fine with me. It's not that difficult and I don't even think about it. I now have another in my life. The past didn't work so why should I try to keep it alive?

Posted

I read your post just before I had to step out the door for work ~ I"m having to work "Day-On-Stay-On" ~ Seven days a week.

 

Since then? I've been incthing to post!

 

How do you get through all the crap you've been through? 9/11 first responder, "Over-seas" with the miltary, the cheating wife?

 

You don't?

 

You adapt, improvise, and over-come! You learn to live with it! Its part of you, a part of who you are! You let it become a part of you, because it who you were! And who you are, and are to become!

 

You can let it define you, or you can use it to define who you are to become!

 

1% of Life is about what happens to you, 99% of it? Is what you do about it!

 

When the going gets tough? The tough get going! A lot of the best guys I know? Swear by this! If you think about it? Being served up some hard times means you're being tested. You find your armour for doing your best work whenever you tested!

 

Go slow!

 

Nothing good ever happens in a hurry! I use to think I had do to at least ten things at one time! I live like I was going to die in one hour, so I felt I'd better live a whole lifetime in that hour.

 

Living like that? Made me crazy!

 

If we moved too fast? We didn't see the "trip-wire~

 

Damned PTSD~! :mad:

 

Yea~! It "sent" me there

Posted

It's alright to cry a river!

×
×
  • Create New...