jdizzle Posted December 1, 2007 Posted December 1, 2007 my gf broke up with me a few weeks ago. she needed space and we agreed that we would do NC for a month. And during that month we would date other people. Well that month will end in a couple of weeks and I need advice. My ex was the love of my life... and she was my best friend. when we broke up I was losing my love and my best friend. Now, when the month of NC is up, and if she still doesn't want to get back together, would it ruin my chances of ever having a second chance with her if we remained friends? Or would strict NC forever give me the best chance of getting back together with her in the future? See, I know that with NC you can forget about someone over a long period of time. And I don't want her to forget about me. And if we stay friends, then I will be there for her, and we can talk often and maybe sometime in the future the spark will be rekindled. Is that a correct mindset for me? I'm just curious if people on here believe that once you become friends with your ex, you will always remain friends and nothing more.
Krytie TV Posted December 1, 2007 Posted December 1, 2007 It's completely masochistic to want someone back that broke up with you. No matter what you think now, you will realize later that there is always someone to take an ex's place. No one is "the world". There are many great people out there.
Author jdizzle Posted December 1, 2007 Author Posted December 1, 2007 i knew people would start posting the "there are plenty of fish in the sea" type answer. thanks for the advice, but that is pretty far off topic with regards to my question about friendship and second chances.
kitkat289 Posted December 1, 2007 Posted December 1, 2007 I can completely understand your situation as I've gone through the same thing and everytime we break our NC I feel so stupid about myself! Reason -After NC he starts to miss me more and reminds me of those special moments we had spent togther(it was a LDR) -Just after NC both of us wanted to get back but he always back off once I said 'yes' to him.May be he just wanted to assure himself that I will never go away from him if he ever needed me back. -Both of us felt very jealous tbout our new friends of opposite sex.We are best friends so we discuss so many th ings and while I joke a lot,during that moment I dont usually think if its hurting him or not but he felt really bad once when he came to know that I showed my pictures to some guys but denied to show it to him.He also felt that I lied to him that I dont have an email account on the internet.(I did this because I wanted to make him realise that like him,I CAN ALSO HIDE THINGS and that thing pisses you more than anything in the world) -I made him go through the same kind of feelings even when I joked.I'd laugh about how this cute guy turned out to be so boring and blah blah.He also told me about the girls who call him(like taking a revenge on me).All this made us more possessive about each other. -Then last time I put the phone down feeling bad.I was like how the **** he cant give me "commitment" and still behave like Iam doing a sin if Iam showing my pictures to some nice guys or If Iam chatting without letting him know! When he CANNOT think of working out,doing some efforts for our relationship then he has no right on whatever right/wrong things Iam doing. Today is my 3rd day of NC.I have just realised it over and over again that BEING FRIENDS doesn not help,you always expect more each day.The worst part is you wiill feel its started to feel SOO GOOD AGAIN and we are committed from within but still you'd feel so confused when she gives you a NO!! So cut it off,living on hopes and analysing every converstation is what you are doing after you break-up.Forget about being in touch,move on.If she loves you,she will come back no matter how long it takes !
RecordProducer Posted December 1, 2007 Posted December 1, 2007 my gf broke up with me a few weeks ago. she needed space and we agreed that we would do NC for a month. And during that month we would date other people. How disgusting! She basically asked you to take a break from YOU and try with someone else. You're foolish if you don't realize that someone else has already entered the picture. The only other options are: she doesn't have the courage to break-up fully (wants to leave space for later) or she is very disappointed in you and wants to get back at you by making you jealous (not likely). In any case, she is either very angry at you or she doesn't love you. Whatever the case, Mr. Next is probably already in her bedroom. I had a BF who asked me for a week of "break;" it turned out he was trying to see if he could get back with his ex. But we were dating for only a week ourselves. I was the new GF. She didn't want him back, so he continued to date me, but with no deep feelings. I think KITKAT made a great post. When there is love, friendship may induce jealousy if you heat it up. Just make sure you don't act too available, because that will have the opposite effect: she will think "Oh, great, I have JDizzle in my hand; I can go back to him anytime!" But in KITKAT's case also, she is the "victim." You need to hear the perspective of the dumper.
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 1, 2007 Posted December 1, 2007 I wouldn't give her the impression that you are ok with 'friends' when what you want is to be back together. All that will do is confuse and frustrate you both.
empress Posted December 1, 2007 Posted December 1, 2007 I have just realised it over and over again that BEING FRIENDS doesn not help,you always expect more each day.The worst part is you wiill feel its started to feel SOO GOOD AGAIN and we are committed from within but still you'd feel so confused when she gives you a NO!! So cut it off,living on hopes and analysing every converstation is what you are doing after you break-up.Forget about being in touch,move on.If she loves you,she will come back no matter how long it takes ! sooo true kitkat! me and my ex keep doing this all these 4 years.. and i keep going back to him as friend, then i want more and expect more.. and i get confused when everything seems soooooo well! but he always hit me big time.. hurt me more!
kitkat289 Posted December 1, 2007 Posted December 1, 2007 they need to learn that we are not BEGGERS! They are just so habitual of taking a 'yes' from us/taking for granted. People here have worked so much on a bad relationship and most of the time I see these SECOND CHANCES going in vain.Dont you realise its just not worth it?One should keep learning from others' experiences and I dont mean to disappoint you but its happening with everybody.Its the exact situaion in above poster's life and I believe our results would also be the same.So stick it to you head that SECOND chances do not work.Give someone else a chance or you'll spoil your life... Remember the more time you give thinking of a second chance, the more you will be affected by this break-up and if you delay your healing time,you wouldnt be able to forget her throughout your life.So utilise this time in working on yourself and move on so that when you come across the right person,you can give your whole self without any second thoughts(even if your ex aproaches you).Make it your aim to save your soul for your soulmate,the one you'll spend your entire life with.
jerbear Posted December 1, 2007 Posted December 1, 2007 Asking for friendship and Trying for a second chance are two different ideals. Friendship is devoid of romantic intentions while second chances mean you want a relationship. In my opinion, one month is kind of short but seems to allow some relapses. it doesn't seem that your break is for the right reasons, more like taking a chance with someone else while holding on to you. I don't think that is good for both sides. If you are aiming for friendship then relationship, then it would be a bad ideal. If you want a relationship then go for a relationship. Are you trying for friendship while secretly aiming to go back to the past relationship?
Da_1_n_OnlyN3na Posted December 1, 2007 Posted December 1, 2007 i am in the same situation right now and my "break" is also for a month and is due in a couple weeks...we are also not talking at all...but if he shows no signs of comming back when the break is over then i guess that is it i dont believe in being friends with an ex who i had something very special with and loved very much because those feelings are still going to be there and it will hurt me being friends with him while i still have those feelings...if were toguether then we are toguether if not its is completely over no frienship no contact no nothing!!! and that is what you should do also..dont settle for a friendship when what you really want is a relationship with them if that person doesnt want what you want then **** them! they will regret it later and if they come back realizing that they did wrong and that they want to be with you then its up to you if you want to take that person back.... i hope everything turns out well for us since we are in the same situation....good luck...
YeahBaby Posted December 1, 2007 Posted December 1, 2007 It's maybe just me, but in my experience, I find that when you first see an ex after a break-up is the time in which you have the most chance of making something happen. I think this because you see him (or her) and you see the hands you used to hold, the eyes you used to stare into, the lips you used to kiss, the hair you used to stroke and the stomach you used to hug. I think it would take a will and heart of steel to not want that back. I think if you've seen that person as a friend rather than a lover, it won't feel as strong. But maybe it's just me.
kitkat289 Posted December 2, 2007 Posted December 2, 2007 I would like to know your story Yeah Baby...Do you mean to say that you got back together after you met?
Yamaha Posted December 2, 2007 Posted December 2, 2007 Friendship is just trying to soften the blow of a break-up by the dumper. They know you really don't want to be just friends but to end it is so final. The offer of friendship seems to be the humane way to slowly disengage your lives from one another. It also is slow torture for the one who still holds hope. Much more humane to break away and deal with the pain than to let your heart smolder for a time. Friendship does not work for the one who wants more and that someone is you. Stick with NC and let her go if you really love her.
Author jdizzle Posted December 3, 2007 Author Posted December 3, 2007 Thank you to everyone who replied. Putting aside the fact that it might hurt me or give me false hope if I remain friends with her, does anyone here think that by becoming friends with my ex, I would have a better chance of having a romantic relationship with her again?
Krytie TV Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 Thank you to everyone who replied. Putting aside the fact that it might hurt me or give me false hope if I remain friends with her, does anyone here think that by becoming friends with my ex, I would have a better chance of having a romantic relationship with her again? No. Maybe an occasional hook-up, but that's it.
oppath Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 Thank you to everyone who replied. Putting aside the fact that it might hurt me or give me false hope if I remain friends with her, does anyone here think that by becoming friends with my ex, I would have a better chance of having a romantic relationship with her again? No, I think you have a worse chance if you do that. The friends I know who have successfully gotten back together took some time off. Did they become bf/gf again right away? No, but they weren't hanging out as close friends, either. It was more along the lines of "what do you want?" "I want to see you."
RecordProducer Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 Thank you to everyone who replied. Putting aside the fact that it might hurt me or give me false hope if I remain friends with her, does anyone here think that by becoming friends with my ex, I would have a better chance of having a romantic relationship with her again?I think we gave you more extensive answers to your question. It's really a shame that you think we missed the topic and you repeat the same question over and over again. I assume you want a yes-or-no answer. OK, then: yes and no. It depends.
MrMichael Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 Friendship is just trying to soften the blow of a break-up by the dumper. They know you really don't want to be just friends but to end it is so final. The offer of friendship seems to be the humane way to slowly disengage your lives from one another. It also is slow torture for the one who still holds hope. way to go Yamaha!!> this is true jdizzle, sucketh as it may, the month ending may turn out more devastating than beforehand...on HER account, she didnt want to wound you, hence the "friends" offering....on YOUR account, that offer leaves the door open to a line which has been already crossed, and that line is intimacy... maybe over time and seeing other people on both ends, you could be friends, but not from intimacy to friends...in my exp, thats been against the laws of the universe, because ONE person always wants the relationship the way it wwas...I think in my case I would be setting myself up to be hurt again thinking there was a chance, and im not saying there isnt, but NC is best for now..like others have posted, as long as she sees you as an option, you will be on the backburner while she see's others
niceguy27 Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 You can only be "friends" with her after you have taken time apart and taken time to yourself. A month is too short as your feelings are still fresh. My ex gave me the EXACT same offer. She had met someone else and it wasnt fair to me for her to try to figure things out. So she ended it and went on her way to pursue those feelings. Only now after about 3 months and lots and lots of time to myself have I been strong enough to look at things in a different light. Ive spent lots of time with other women to help ease my pain (not sleeping or dating them, all friends) and taken up the attitude of me, me, me. Now I look back at things and since we ended things amicably, there are no negative feelings between us. That has made it easy for me to decide on what and how far a "friendship" would go. We get together about once every week or two and just hang out. Dinner, drinks, etc. I love her enough to know that no, we're not together now, but she is still important to me and I to her. So I leave it at that. We love each others company and still care a lot about each other. She knows where I stand and I know where she stands. When we get together we catch up, laugh, reminisce, and just have fun. Only then can you decide on what you want. Maybe you are better off as friends. Or maybe you will rekindle something. But either way, you MUST have physical time apart and be able to experience new things in the meantime to realize just what it is that you want.
Summer_guy_uk Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 In a situation where she has gone straight from you to dating, I don't think friendship is the way to go. Are you going to be her friend and shake the hand of her new boyfriend? Are you going to read through all those love letters whilst she's doing that trick you like to her new fella? I don't know how you feel so It's hard for me to relate sorry, my gf broke up with me but for her own reasons not because she wanted to see other people. Then again who knows. I'm currently going through a limited contact break up.
niceguy27 Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 In a situation where she has gone straight from you to dating, I don't think friendship is the way to go. Are you going to be her friend and shake the hand of her new boyfriend? Are you going to read through all those love letters whilst she's doing that trick you like to her new fella? I agree too. You cannot be her "friend" like you may be with other women. And no way should you talk to her about her new man like your one of her "buddies." When you can be there as a genuine friend and have no conditions attached to it is when you should hang with her. Until then, you have to take time for yourself and then make a decision. Dont decide now then wait and see. Wait and see, then decide.
Summer_guy_uk Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 OP, at the end of the day she left you to be with other guys. As far as she's concerned she can do better. You deserve better than to be treated like that. Any attention you give her now will just boost her ego, she shows her friends your love spilled texts and they all laugh about your desperation. They do it I've seen it first hand. My advice, NC, 5-6 months. If you need to contact her write her a letter, read it out loud, wait a few moments then burn/destroy it. DO NOT send it. It will make you feel better man.
Author jdizzle Posted December 3, 2007 Author Posted December 3, 2007 I think we gave you more extensive answers to your question. It's really a shame that you think we missed the topic and you repeat the same question over and over again. I assume you want a yes-or-no answer. OK, then: yes and no. It depends. I never said you missed the topic. Most posts answered the topic in the poster's own way. I am very grateful for this. But, every poster was of the opinion that friendship would not help with a second chance. So I asked "does anyone here think that by becoming friends with my ex, I would have a better chance of having a romantic relationship with her again?" I was wondering if anyone out there had the opposite opinion of everyone who has posted so far... in that they thought I WOULD have a better chance if I became friends with my ex.
Author jdizzle Posted December 3, 2007 Author Posted December 3, 2007 In a situation where she has gone straight from you to dating, I don't think friendship is the way to go. Are you going to be her friend and shake the hand of her new boyfriend? Your'e right. I would not feel comfortable doing that at all. OP, at the end of the day she left you to be with other guys. As far as she's concerned she can do better. I guess i just see the situation differently. I don't feel that she left me to be with other guys. I feel that she left because of the situation we were in. For the last year, our relationship has been hindered by family pressure on her side. But that never stopped us before, because we were so in love. And we always said that she is an adult and she makes her own decisions... her family cannot decide things for her. Our relationship with eachother was great, until a few weeks ago. Her family pressure grew significantly and she was being emotionally abused by her parents. I just feel that she finally gave into her family pressure and broke up with me. And due to the intensity of that pressure I really can't blame her... even though it hurts like hell. If we got back together things would be different. Due to the circumstances I am currently in, her family would be much more accepting of me. My ex just doesn't realize that yet. I know I'm not going into much detail... Thank you to everyone who replied. I really appreciate your advice.
Summer_guy_uk Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 I'm not a very forgiving person but I guess your so in love with her that you would forgive her. I doubt I could forgive a kiss in my situation, even though we're seperated. That's when I'd know I'm wasting my time and move on, I'll not share the person I love. Good luck to you though mate whatever decision you come to
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