Is it OK for my fiancee to be emotionally intimate/physically close to male "friend"?

[deneb64]

I need some objective advice:

 

My fiancée is involved with a co-counseling organization called "re-evaluation counseling" where once a week or so she meets with a man(“Rick”) for a couple hours and shares all her "stuff" with him, and visa-a-versa. The organization(see http://www.rc.org/) requires 40 hours of training to be “certified,” and forming romantic relations with people you co-council with is prohibited. The "sharing" can involve physical closeness, like holding hands, laying her head on Rick’s shoulder while he holds her, comforts her as she cries, etc. She also does this with other women. They have to be alone while they do this, so she goes over to his place, or I have to leave the house for a couple hours while they do their "session." The session might also be done in the bedroom lying on the bed, where they might hold or comfort each other.

 

I have talked to her about my discomfort with this, and she has agreed to not lie on the bed with Rick in order to help me feel better. She insists it is only about emotional support and that there is no love/romantic/sexual dimension to it. She has been honest and open about discussing it, and I do trust her. She offered to let me observe during her part of the session, and to even stop having sessions with men if I insist, though she says this will not be best for our relationship.

 

My problem is that I am still feeling really uncomfortable with her sessions with Rick, and I find myself dreading them. Also, I have to face the prospect that she will do sessions with other men she meets in the future in her co-counseling group. Even though I trust that they are not having sex or in love, part of me feels like the emotional and physical closeness with the opposite sex crosses a boundary that shouldn’t be crossed in healthy relationships. Also, it seems like it is “playing with fire” and puts our relationship at risk.

 

On the other hand, I worry that maybe I am just being jealous and insecure, and that I should not be so bothered by it. I have been deeply hurt by infidelity in relationships in the past, and I know this makes the issue especially hard for me to look at objectively.

 

Does the co-counseling sessions with the opposite sex cross a boundary, or is it OK? Should I ask her to stop, or should I accept it and focus on working on my own issues instead?

 

Please help, and thanks for offering me your perspective.

[oppath]

First off, you are not jealous or insecure or controlling for feeling uncomfortable about this. You are allowed, using your own powers of cognition and rational thought, to decide what you feel is appropriate behavior within a relationship and appropriate behavior for your SO to engage in with a male, and you are allowed to put your foot down on it. You do not have to compromise or be understanding.

 

To maintain the relationship, you might need to do those things, but don't for a second think "am I just insecure?" No. You are not. Many people would have a problem with this.

 

Do you have any interest in joining this group? I'd say if this is important to her, you need to allow it, but I feel a reasonable compromise is no physical contact with male co counselors. Why not? You don't need a reason. You can simply say "I want you to be involved in this because I know it is important to you, but I have a request. I request that you don't have physical contact with any of the guys. I feel uncomfortable with that. It's just a level of discomfort that I don't feel I should have to endure, and I think it is a reasonable compromise for you to abstain from that part, while still enjoying the counseling experience."

[BeautifulMystique]

First off, you are not jealous or insecure or controlling for feeling uncomfortable about this. You are allowed, using your own powers of cognition and rational thought, to decide what you feel is appropriate behavior within a relationship and appropriate behavior for your SO to engage in with a male, and you are allowed to put your foot down on it. You do not have to compromise or be understanding.

 

To maintain the relationship, you might need to do those things, but don't for a second think "am I just insecure?" No. You are not. Many people would have a problem with this.

 

Do you have any interest in joining this group? I'd say if this is important to her, you need to allow it, but I feel a reasonable compromise is no physical contact with male co counselors. Why not? You don't need a reason. You can simply say "I want you to be involved in this because I know it is important to you, but I have a request. I request that you don't have physical contact with any of the guys. I feel uncomfortable with that. It's just a level of discomfort that I don't feel I should have to endure, and I think it is a reasonable compromise for you to abstain from that part, while still enjoying the counseling experience."

 

Oppath, I don't think I could have said it in a better way or even close to what you have just said

[oppath]

Oh, and if she says "that won't be best for the relationship" you can say, non argumentatively of course, "couldn't I say the same thing? That connecting with men in this way won't be best for the relationship? I know this is important to you, and I am not asking you to give it all up, but I am asking that we find a middle ground that alleviates most of my discomfort."

[sderenzi]

I have some bad news this situation is beyond your control and will ultimately cause you both to break up. There's a simple reasoning for it, she needs the group at this time in her life and while it seems unusual to me this method they're using she has come to depend on it. Thus it will take precedence over your relationship, it's like an alcoholic and you telling them not to goto an AA meeting... it would destroy them. The same thing with her, it would destroy her if you said no and ultimately she'd leave anyway. The best thing to do is find someone with a healthier perspective at this time in their lives, of course you won't listen and will try to save the relationship but that's not my probo

 

It's a rather odd method IMO. Ummm.. so yea it's not gonna work out

 

Update: I reviewed the website, it's a nice idea but basically I think it only diverts someone's attention for awhile, however if you were to remove the counselor I believe the old feelings would still be present. Who knows