OK, how do I tell the difference between...

[alterego1234]

Without getting into the whole story, if a woman is basically saying "I'll call you to get together [for a second date], but I'm busy with work", how do I tell which of the following two realities I am more likely to live in:

 

A. Despite some evidence to the contrary, she's not interested in me and is trying to say that without actually saying that. I.e., figuring I'll get the message when she doesn't call me back.

 

B. She is at least somewhat interested in a second date, but she's actually busy at work.

 

(I suppose there are other possibilities as well but I think they are less likely.)

 

The two ideas I have are:

 

1. Wait and see if she will call me back. (I have called her a few times and emailed her a few times and have, I think, clearly indicated my interest in her, quite possibly to the point of appearing overbearing/aggressive/needy.)

 

2. Call her (or email her?) and ask her plainly which of the above is the case. This seems like a bad idea because it seems too blunt for me and possibly awkward/embarrassing for her.

 

ae

[WIGIRL]

If you have made your point known, it just becomes creepy if you continue to pound away the fact that you REALLLLLLLY want to go out again sometime. She is perfectly capable of phoning you if she manages to be gainfully employed.

[sb129]

Probably a good idea to leave it up to her to call you now. The ball is in her court.

 

Frustrating, agreed, but she knows how you feel.

 

She may well be genuinely very busy at work.

 

Let us know how it goes and good luck!

[Heavenly55]

It means she is busy. Women actually mean what they say lol. And yes constant emails, calls etc and you look like a stalker. Don't call or email anymore. If you never hear from her again then she's not interested.

[alterego1234]

LOL, well, I guess it's pretty much unanimous. I'll wait, and I know that's the right thing to do, but it is frustrating like you said.

 

This is my first try at dating since my divorce and I'm both rusty (after about 20 years of being focused on one woman) and inexperienced. Not to mention still a bit caddy-wompous from the divorce.

 

WIGIRL, I don't think I crossed the line into creepy stalker world. I think "eager beaver pest" and/or "pathetic and needy" would be closer to what she might say. I haven't gone to her office, or tried to figure out where her home is, or express any emotional feelings towards her, or give her gifts or anything. But 5 emails (although brief, cheerful, and respectful) and three voice mails probably comes close ;-)

 

Heavenly55, I hear you and I wish all women did mean what they say. I prefer that approach, I think. Unfortunately I have had direct experience with one woman -- my ex-wife -- who was both dishonest and not open with me. I have also heard and read about women who play games and are not straightforward with guys.

 

I will continue to try to give her the benefit of the doubt and be patient.

 

Part of the problem is that I am a really picky dater, so I take each dating relationship that I start very seriously, which can be too seriously at the beginning of things. Maybe I just need to go out on some "fun" no-pressure dates or something.

 

 

ae

[Krytie TV]

Let her prove what her word is worth. If she doesn't call, that tells you everything you need to know. It's tempting to waste your time trying to force something. She took responsibility for the next meeting. Kick back and expect to never hear from her. That way you can't be disappointed.

[desertguy]

You may not have crossed the line of seeming needy, or whatever, but it's close. After one call/VM, you really should let it go. The waiting game can be such a pain though I know! You have no idea what the other person is thinking, and it's so tempting to try to find out what's going on by ringing them. But don't. After a couple of weeks, chalk it up that she probably won't call back and move on.

[bandgeek0203]

don't ask her which of your options she has chosen. leave it up to her to call.

it's hard to read too much into this from just the information you have given, but it's quite possible she really is busy with work.

[alterego1234]

Update:

 

Got an email from her today suggesting we get together in January...seems like that deserves putting a hopping bunny in here:

 

Now what I know of her seems to point to someone who wants to get together but not frequently and/or wants to take it slow. Again, without going into my life story, I would prefer the latter but will take the former also.

 

With what little I know of her she seems like a quirky girl but she fascinates me, so there you are.

 

Krytie TV, you were spot on with your comments, by the way. I had to think through all the various combinations of "what is she thinking?" and "what do I do?" to see that leaving things be was the correct course of action.

 

Thanks all,

 

ae

[sumdude]

Hey I'm in the same post-divorce dating realm.. strange to be back out there again isn't it?

 

I hear you and I wish all women did mean what they say. I prefer that approach, I think. Unfortunately I have had direct experience with one woman -- my ex-wife -- who was both dishonest and not open with me. I have also heard and read about women who play games and are not straightforward with guys.

 

I will continue to try to give her the benefit of the doubt and be patient.

 

Part of the problem is that I am a really picky dater, so I take each dating relationship that I start very seriously, which can be too seriously at the beginning of things. Maybe I just need to go out on some "fun" no-pressure dates or something.

 

No pressure is the key I'm thinking. After years in a marriage relationship it seems strange because of what you're used too. Try to be open & honest and assume she is too until you have a real reason to think otherwise. I sort of forgot that in dating land both men and women may have a couple irons in the fire so to speak and until there's an exclusivity conversation just enjoy the moments as they come.

[oppath]

Update:

 

Got an email from her today suggesting we get together in January...seems like that deserves putting a hopping bunny in here:

 

ae

 

Hate to burst your happiness bubble, but I'd say that desereves more of a . Since you are just getting back on your feet, don't invest in any woman who can't see you more than once every 10 days. I'd honestly say that if someone can't see you once a week, they aren't really available for even casual dating. this does not mean burn a bridge, it just means start looking elsewhere for dates. If she follows through, go out with her, but despite the holiday season, she should be planning a date 1 week from now if she is busy, not 1 month. And any woman who can't see you once a week, even if all you want is casual, is quite honestly not worth the effort.

[alterego1234]

oppath,

 

I see your points and will consider them.

 

I think your and my dating strategies and preferences are quite different. In my ideal world it would take knowing someone several years before marrying them, and I'm not into sex before marriage. Also, there have been only seven women in my life who I have been interested in enough to ask out on a date (one was my ex, two are now happily married, three I've basically lost track of, and this woman). So for me I am at least somewhat willing to be patient with this woman.

 

I do see that what I describe as patience could come across as doormat and I am a recovering Nice Guy (Hi Caliguy!) and will try to guard against that.

 

ae

[Krytie TV]

But I think what you're missing is the attempt she is(n't) making. From what I see, this isn't a get to know someoner quick vs. slow issue. The issue is that she apparently just seems truly uninterested in dating you. Nothing personal, of course, but come on. If you were interested in going on a second date with someone - really interested - would you plan for a month from now?

 

Granted, I can't know what you two have, but you seem really oblivious to the signals she's apparently sending you. If she was interested, do you think that just maybe she could block off four hours in a 30-day span?

 

You're setting yourself up for a letdown, IMO. I hope she's worth it.

[fray718]

did she explain WHY she can't see you until january? If she's on a one-month business trip then yea that makes sense cuz she won't be around but if she's 'just busy'...then meh, forget her.

[alterego1234]

Family matters needing extra attention, she says.

[alterego1234]

But I think what you're missing is the attempt she is(n't) making. From what I see, this isn't a get to know someone quick vs. slow issue. The issue is that she apparently just seems truly uninterested in dating you. Nothing personal, of course, but come on. If you were interested in going on a second date with someone - really interested - would you plan for a month from now?

 

Granted, I can't know what you two have, but you seem really oblivious to the signals she's apparently sending you. If she was interested, do you think that just maybe she could block off four hours in a 30-day span?

 

You're setting yourself up for a letdown, IMO. I hope she's worth it.

 

I'm not missing it. But thinking about it some more leads me to think that the most likely scenario is that she's friend-zoned me. If we're just casual friends, then yes, a month from now seems reasonable; I have other friends I see that infrequently.

 

Yes, it would be a disappointment if that were the case. And I can see how my "being patient" is also "holding out hope". If it gets to be too much, I'll do something about it.

 

Thanks for making me think about it...

 

ae

[alterego1234]

I should add a couple more things...

 

Our first "date" was coffee and could have been construed as just a friendly thing, not a romantic thing. Still, it went well, I thought.

 

If she didn't want to see me (friend-wise or dating-wise), I would think she would just ignore me or say "How about never? Does never work for you?" ;-). That was sort of the gist of my original post anyway.

 

Regardless of how this turns out, I am appreciative for what I have learned through the experience.

 

ae

[lino]

Women actually mean what they say lol.

 

 

yes, LOL!!!

[stillafool]

I would definitely start looking to date other women if I were you. I am woman and when I was single I worked 7 days a week sometimes, but always had time to see that special guy.

 

I think this woman has definitely put you in the friend category and to wait a month to see you again is telling me she is just not that in to you. I don't say that to be mean but if she were interested she couldn't wait a month to see you. Unless, she has a relationship going on with someone else and she's trying to terminate it, then I can see her waiting until that is over.

[alterego1234]

stillafool,

 

Thanks, what you say makes sense and you are probably right. BTW, you're not being mean, you're just stating facts. It's a little disappointing, but there are far worse outcomes. She's still a good person and having her as a friend is still a positive addition to my life.

 

ae