challa Posted December 1, 2007 Posted December 1, 2007 I just got the call tonight that a close friend of mine of four years is not expected to make it through the week. He has advanced lung cancer and is choosing to die at home. I knew he was sick but has suddenly gotten much worse. He can no longer care for himself as he had a stroke and is just wasting away, visibly, as each day passes. He had his friend call me and ask me to come sit with him and spend some time with him before he passes. The issue is that he is not what you would consider a model citizen. I met him while bartending at a biker type bar and we just became great friends. One of those people that you feel a connection with right away. THere was never anything sexual, just a friendship that grew to mean a lot to me. I found out over time that he had spent ten years in prison and did drugs. A lot of drugs. Bad drugs that contributed to him being so sick. He is only 47. He drank like a fish and would stay up for days at a time doing drugs. I thought that I could help him, and I did get him to quit smoking for a little while, but it was obvious that he was set in his ways and not about to change for me or anyone else. I stuck by him and would visit with him once in awhile and talk to him on the phone but I was never involved in his lifestyle. He told me that that is why he cared about me so much. I was never around for the party, I genuinely like being around D. I saw the good in him and he always treated me with respect. My BF of 5 months (S) is very upset that I want to go and see D before he dies. WHen I met S I was drinking a little too much (read my previous posts to understand why) and S grew up with an alcoholic mom so he helped me get myself together and he has been really good to me and for me. His position is that D did this to himself and no good will come out of going to see him now. That I should stay away and not involve myself. But D is asking for me and it is breaking my heart. I want to see him and let him know that I care about him before he dies. S won't even consider anything but his position. He can't see my side and simply says that if I go to D's bedside that things will never be the same between us. He says that I am better than all of that. I mean, D is a member of a pretty rough MC club. He has ruined his body with drugs. He is dying. None of that can be changed now. I was asked to be there tomorrow to sit with him and keep him company. I told S that I would not go after he stormed out of my house and I spent two tearful hours on the phone with him trying to get him to see my point. No one deserves to die alone. And I care for D so much. I want to be there, I really do. But S won't budge. What should I do? Go anyway? Or not go and just remember the good times that I have had with D over the years? Or will I always regret not sitting with my dying friend in his last days? I am so sad and so confused. Please help me find some clarity.
curiousnycgirl Posted December 1, 2007 Posted December 1, 2007 I am a big believer in making sure what I do today is not something I will regret later. If I were in your shoes, I would deeply regret not seeing my friend before he died. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity - you will unfortunately not get a second chance to make it up to him. So of course I would go. I am also a big believer in making my own decisions. While I believe your b/f is entitled to his opinion, I think it is heinous for him to "forbid" you from going. To be honest if you doing what you feel in your heart is the right thing to do is something that your b/f feels will change your relationship forever, then is he really the right guy for you? I think your b/f is being completely unreasonable. I recognize that you are in a very difficult position -afterall you probably love your b/f and are afraid of losing him. And know that what he is doing is wrong, is not necessarily going to make it easier to defy him. Of course I have spent my life defying most people who forbid me from doing anything, so I'm probably not the right person to ask. My heart does go out to you - and I truly hope you find your way to do whatever makes you feel right. Good luck
melodymatters Posted December 1, 2007 Posted December 1, 2007 This post touches me, as I have had friends in the biker world, who while I did not always agree with their decisions, showed me loyalty and friendship beyond what one normally finds in this selfish, materialistic world. I agree with the poster above who said that you will NOT get a chance to " re-do" helping your friend die, loved, and at peace. When we make decisions not from our hearts, but to please another, those are always the ones that come back to haunt us. I hope your BF can realize that this part of you, the kind, giving part, is a big part of why he loves you. If he can't, you may need to risk his displeasure, but ..."Old friends/death" vs "new boyfriends/displeasure"..... Well, it's an easy choice for me. Good luck, my heart is with you on this one !
littlepiggy1 Posted December 1, 2007 Posted December 1, 2007 Go see your dying friend. You will never have another chance. Your b/f will just have to get over it.
KenzieAbsolutely Posted December 1, 2007 Posted December 1, 2007 i think your SO is being awfully selfish, and that says a lot about his character. this would concern me very much. one thing he could do is offer to accompany you if he's so worried (and it might also be nice for you to have some support), but he didn't even do that. as for your friend, first of all, i am very sorry for your sad news. i hope you are holding up okay. that being said, i think you will regret it if you do not go and see him before he passes, because once he's gone, he's gone. you may be with your SO forever, or you might break up in 2 or even10 years, who knows. but this moment with your friend, you will never get back, and you will resent your SO for it forever. i don't really understand what his problem is anyway--you're not the person you once were, and your friend is obviously not in a position to take you to bars or hang out and get you into trouble. it certainly doesn't say a lot about the faith your SO has in you. i think you should start thinking twice about the person you're with. he sounds controlling and immature and unworthy of a person like you, who cares so much for others.
Author challa Posted December 1, 2007 Author Posted December 1, 2007 for your fast responses. I know in my heart what I want to do. No one has ever understood my friendship with D. Everyone judged him strongly for all of his bad decisions and lifestyle. But the honest truth is that I have never been treated more like a lady than when I was with D and his biker friends. I was never disrespected or mishandled. Everyone knew not to offer me any drugs. I am really in tears over this. MY good friend is dying and no one that I know seems to care. My BF just sees D as a nasty old biker who deserves what he has gotten. I see a man with troubles but a pure heart who was just a product of his environment more or less. I don't want to lose S. I just want to do the right thing.
sb129 Posted December 1, 2007 Posted December 1, 2007 The right thing is to go and see your friend. You only have one chance to do it, as everyone else has said. I agree with the people who have said that the way your BF has reacted to this reflects badly on his character, but you can deal with that later. You and S have time, D doesn't. It is a sad story, and I hope the last few days D has are peaceful.
sb129 Posted December 1, 2007 Posted December 1, 2007 I don;t believe in a god, but if those who are judging D do, then what do they care now? According to believers, he will be having his ultimate judgment soon enough. Sadly, the attitude that he "deserves" this is so callous. Its too late for regrets and "what ifs" and "oh well, you brought this upon yourself". People should allow the dying to go in peace, whatever the circumstances.
melodymatters Posted December 1, 2007 Posted December 1, 2007 I don't want to lose S. I just want to do the right thing. But you know sister, that " doing the right thing" is a matter of YOUR heart and gut talking to you, not someone elses opinion. Even if that someone else is someone you love. This matter is between you and your concsience. And it's a biggie. It's not a friend asking you to help him move some furniture ! I agree with everyone above, that it shows a lack of character on your BF's part, that he WANTS you to turn your back on a dying friend. I would simply tell him that I was going and do so, with class and dignity, and if HE wants to raise a stink about it, thats his problem. Don't make the wrong decsion and then curse yourself for years, because you bowed down to a BF who was being selfish, and controlling. This is a one shot deal.
WIGIRL Posted December 1, 2007 Posted December 1, 2007 I couldn't imagine what I would think about myself if I were in your shoes and didn't go to spend time with my dying friend. I think that is something that would be in the back of my mind for the rest of my life. Do you want to have a slightly better chance to be with your BF forever with that in the back seat? That's a big trade off. Whichever choice you make, I wish you the best.
Lyssa Posted December 1, 2007 Posted December 1, 2007 Don't make the wrong decsion and then curse yourself for years, because you bowed down to a BF who was being selfish, and controlling. This is a one shot deal. I'm sorry to hear about your friend. I agree with this and of course, everyone else. I would deal with the BF later and spend the day with my dying friend. The only one chance you will get to be with him. [[[hugs]]]
quankanne Posted December 1, 2007 Posted December 1, 2007 frankly, your boyfriend is not thinking of anyone but himself, and it shows in his attitude toward your dying friend. At the risk of sounding crass, friendships often outlast romances, and even though D won't be of this world much longer, the fact that he has chosen to ask YOU to spend HIS last hours with says that he thinks very highly of you. Heck, I'd imagine you touched his very soul just by being a good, non-judgmental friend, and he wants to share that with you one more time before hitting the road, so to speak. so go, and don't let your boyfriend have the final say about this particular friendship, because if he doesn't "get" what it's about, then maybe he's not as good a partner as you've thought he's been. just my 2 cents
Author challa Posted December 1, 2007 Author Posted December 1, 2007 means a lot to me. Thank you. I know that my friendship means as much to D as his meant to me. I am afraid of what I am going to find over there. I saw him just two weeks ago and he was very thin but still coherent. Still true to his nature with a beer in his hand, joking around. He gave me a pair of gloves to wear because it was cold outside. They told me on the phone that a lot had changed in two weeks. He can no longer sit up or take care of himself. He can't keep anything down. He is weak and can barely use his hands. All of the "party people" are nowhere to be found. He is for the most part alone. And he is asking for me because he knows that my friendship was always unconditional. I owe it to him to go. I'm just afraid, all around, and sad beyond belief. I know that I will do nothing but cry.
KenzieAbsolutely Posted December 1, 2007 Posted December 1, 2007 (everyone's compassion)means a lot to me. Thank you. you're very welcome. i'm only sorry that you're getting more compassion from anonymous strangers than the person who is supposed to care about you. sometimes it takes these kind of events to show us who we should trust and value in our lives. go with your gut and see this lonely, dying man that you consider a friend. if your boyfriend is still as much of a jerk afterward, you'll know you made the right choice, and you can cut him off and find a real man. just don't ignore your friend. you will really regret it if you don't go, i promise you, and your relationship with your boyfriend will never be the same after that anyway.
quankanne Posted December 1, 2007 Posted December 1, 2007 He is weak and can barely use his hands. All of the "party people" are nowhere to be found. He is for the most part alone. And he is asking for me because he knows that my friendship was always unconditional. I owe it to him to go. I'm just afraid, all around, and sad beyond belief. I know that I will do nothing but cry. honey, that's all the more reason you owe it to yourself to go. And don't be surprised at what gift you'll receive by being with him when he needs you this way, because I imagine he's pretty far along the process of accepting his death, and he will most likely be the one giving you comfort and assuring you that things are going to be fine, even though it's a huge change coming about. even if you do nothing but cry when you're with him, I'm pretty sure he knows it's because you're grieving the loss of your good friend, and I imagine he'll be touched knowing he's got one person who cares about him as deeply as you do. it's a hard thing to do, but you know what? It's something you will never, ever regret doing, because not only will it give you the closure you both need, it'll allow you to share your love in a way you never thought possible. God bless, quank
Sunblast Posted December 1, 2007 Posted December 1, 2007 Challa, in all cultures at all times, worldwide, someone's last few days or weeks, were very, very important. It is understood as self-evident today. To keep someone from a dying friend transgresses mere rudeness. If you're asking our advice, go see your friend. Women and other people come and go, and get over things, but once someone's dead, he's dead for good.
Author challa Posted December 1, 2007 Author Posted December 1, 2007 you don't know how much. I am going to go see my friend and give him my love and support and hope for the best. Lord give me the strength for this. In defense of the BF, he did grow up in a tumultuous environment and I think that that is where he is coming from now. He honestly has a good heart, I know it doesn't seem like it by the way he is presented here. But he has cared for me in some of my darkest times these past few months when I thought nothing would be good ever again. And he did it in an undemanding, gentle way. He seemed to genuinely want me to have a better life. I trust him and I know that he really means well. That being said, I think that his approach here is all wrong, and I hope that we can talk through this and he will eventually see my side of the issue. If the situation were reversed, I would expect that he would go and be with his friend. Thank you, everybody, good night.
KenzieAbsolutely Posted December 2, 2007 Posted December 2, 2007 you don't know how much. I am going to go see my friend and give him my love and support and hope for the best. Lord give me the strength for this. In defense of the BF, he did grow up in a tumultuous environment and I think that that is where he is coming from now. He honestly has a good heart, I know it doesn't seem like it by the way he is presented here. But he has cared for me in some of my darkest times these past few months when I thought nothing would be good ever again. And he did it in an undemanding, gentle way. He seemed to genuinely want me to have a better life. I trust him and I know that he really means well. That being said, I think that his approach here is all wrong, and I hope that we can talk through this and he will eventually see my side of the issue. If the situation were reversed, I would expect that he would go and be with his friend. Thank you, everybody, good night. please let us know how it goes, challa, and good luck. i think you're doing the right thing, and if your boyfriend still disagrees, well we'll be here for you when you get back too.
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