mommylove_07 Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 I've read a lot of the post but have never posted nor replied. I'm embarrassed to say that I was the OW! Not by choice but by chance (I didn't know). Not only was I the OW but now the OW with the new baby!! I was seeing this man for about 6 months when I became pregnant. Yes we saw each other even at night and he stayed over. He told me he had been divorce for about two years. We didn't use protection but had said we were ok if I became pregnant because he was 37 and didn't have children but wanted some desperately (I had a 14 year old and I'm almost 40). About 6 weeks after finding out, after WE went for my first dr visit, he started acting strange and wanted to abort. Shocked I didn't understand but said NO! I didn't hear from him again but one or two more times during the pregnancy. I ran into some serious complications during the pregnancy and stayed on bed rest (mostly in hospital) from my 5th month until delivery. I developed cardiomyopathy (pregnancy induce heart failure) and was given an option of termination but declined. Doctor's only gave me a 50% chance of making it. With my baby having a better chance than me. With the help of God, my family and friends, I delivered in my 8th month with a fairly healthy baby and have been on aggressive treatment for my heart every since. After telling him I was pregnant, I knew something wasn't quite right. When this man deserted me I didn't have the strength nor was I going after a man who was an obviously selfish, self-center, egotistical, immature, manipulative A**H***. My life and baby's life was on the line and I wanted to LIVE (with or without him!). My friends located him after I delivered and he showed up two weeks later wanting a DNA test. I graciously complied and it came back 99.98%!!!! I began searching and investigating after the baby and found that he had moved in with this woman, opened his own business, and just applied for a marriage license two days after I delivered. Not only that, he had been with her for two years. He wasn't from the area and couldn't find anything in his name. When I found out her name, I found everything he "owned" was hers - in her name - cars, house, loans, etc. After I disclosed to him I knew about his fiance he went home and told her. She was very upset - rightfully so! She is 42 and doesn't have any children either. I understand they had been trying and still is. He began seeing the baby almost daily and taking care of her. Our baby became ill and I did reach out to call him (right before the marriage). She answered and said she knew who I was and was very short. I wanted to try to apologize, let her know I didn't know about her, and ask if we could all get together and work something out about him seeing the baby so he wouldn't have to come to the house but she wasn't interested. I ask her to give him the message about the baby and I have NEVER, NEVER, EVER called their house again!!!!!!!!! She agreed to go ahead with the marriage the next month as long as he had nothing to do with me or the baby. They married the next month and for about three months we never heard from him. He sent me a letter apologizing for everything and saying what a terrible man he was and wasn't fit to be a father. He said he was in a situation where he had lied, cheated, and made many promises. (BTW he wasn't even divorced from his first wife until the week he got married - she knew though). A month later he showed up wanting to see the baby and for the past 5 months has been seeing her again about two times a week. I think his wife knows he sees her but not that often. We have gone to court and had support and other resposibilities put in writing. He has paid his support until the first of next year and still tries to give me additional money when possible (we make receipts for the additional money or items to state it is in addition to support and not included and we both sign). I know he has a wife and house to take care of so I only ask from him to do what he is suppose to. His family has found out about the baby and, though surprised, has been very supportive and helpful. Our baby will be a year old in a few weeks. There has been absolutely NOTHING going on between us physically. We haven't been together in almost two years. I have still asked a few times about the three of us getting together to discuss visitation but he says his wife is not interested (even stating this in court to the judge) and our baby is not allowed at their house. To this day, I have never met her nor laid eyes on her (wouldn't know her if she was standing beside me). I don't bother him nor them in any way. However, in the past three weeks he has started making little remarks about us being together sexually. I have started putting distance between us more. Which means he doesn't spend time with our daughter as much. I really just want my own man, a real family, a real relationship, someone that really loves me and only me in that way. I'm scared this will never happen because of my health and maybe this is the only chance for any kind of relationship.
quankanne Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 aw ... (hugs) first off, I'm VERY relieved to hear that you and baby are doing well physically, though I'm sorry you received the short end of the stick when dealing with this man. don't write off the possibility of a relationship with a loving, caring, good man. Because those kind of guys are out there, and one will find you, the thing is to not let the past (esp. your experience with your child's father) harden your heart. People are drawn to each other when they see something that appeals to them, and some lucky guy is gonna be looking at a good loving woman and mother when he sees you. quank
nalbath Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 I'm happy to hear that everything is going great! It's a miracle that you and the baby both came out of this together, and that's such a wonderful gift. It's too bad that you have to deal with this "self-centered" man. He doesn't deserve you, even if he wasn't married. You shouldn't get involved with this man and I think you are doing the right thing by distancing yourself from him. He has already proved to you that he cannot be trusted.. and I highly doubt you will every fully trust this man again. Besides, he is married, and you should do the right thing and respect that, even if he is coming on. It's obvious this man has no respect for women, otherwise he wouldn't have caused such a scandal. If I was in your position, I would just let him see his daughter, and when the day is over, forget about him. He is only your daughters father as far as your concerned and nothing more. Maybe when things die down, you all will become friends, but I wouldn't get too snuggly. I know that you have been through so much this past year, and my sympathy is with you. I wish you the best of luck in the future.
whichwayisup Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 Don't get back with him...Honestly, you're better off alone. He lied to you, led you to believe he wasn't married, and he treated you very poorly. Remember that! He is NOT husband material, let alone boyfriend material - Another thing, if you go back to him, you'll be helping him cheat on his wife, though this time you'll be aware of being the OW instead of UNknowingly being the OW. Focus on your child, surround yourself with good friends and family...That's all you need. And, someday, the right man will walk into your life, and he'll be someone who can offer you much more than your exMM ever could.
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