base618 Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 So, it's been a while, quick version: married 14 months, tried to have baby 14 months, wife depressed, she had an emotional affiar: found texts: promised to end it week later found emails: promisted to end it last week got phone bill; still calling him... promised to end it I had been giving her chance after chance given the 6 year relationship we had, and that she was emotionally wrecked with the baby stuff. She had planned a long weekend to go away by herself and figure things out, relax and try to find herself to save the marriage. She left yesterday 1/2 day of work. So I'm not an idiot, I looked to see what clothes she took... and found missing lingerie, and other clothes that you wouldn't bring if you were just relaxing in a bed and breakfast to find yourself. I called her a few hours ago, told her I caught her 3 times lying before and she only had one chance to get the answer right this time. I asked if she was with him, and she said yes, they were away together, and she slept with him for the 1st time last night. I pretty much lost it, called her every name in the book, then I said what I knew would terrorize her the most. Those two are co-workers at a company with a vicious rumor mill. There is a big happy hour tonight, so I threatened to walk in and tell everying that my wife is f'ing Jim *****. She begged and pleaded with me not to do that. I just hung up on her. I calmed down a bit, I called her back and told her that everyone would find out about them, and her worse fears would eventually come true, but not because of me, I'm not going to tell any of her co-workers (want to look back with dignity... but it's tough). Part of me wants to throw her out. But really, I think the bigger punsihment is to stay home. We're selling our house, there are realtors to deal with, and all that aggrivation. Also, as a way to avoid depression, I have always lived with roommates, something about coming home to an empty house or apartment would get me seriously depressed, but since I've had others around, it hasn't happenned. So even though she cheated, I'm planning on moving out. I asked a lawyer, and he said given the circumstances of our near = salaries, married only 14 months, no kids, etc. that it really didn't matter. Granted, she'll probably just stay at his place and the house will sit empty, but I'm really trying not to care. For all those who kept telling me to not give her another chance, you were right. I knew you were right at the time, I just kept hoping things would turn around. I see now just how naive I was, I've been lied to for the past 5 weeks constantly. I'm guessing the best thing to do at this point is no-contact unless it's about divorce/selling house etc. I REALLY do not want to even look at her right now. We can swing it to where I will move out without her around. I've been telling myself that once I know one way or another, things will get better.... well, here we are, no more doubt, getting divorced and she cheated. I'm really hoping tomorrow ends up being better than today.
Crestfallen_KH Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 base, I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I have gone through it and it's so extremely painful and, unfortunately, it's not going to end anytime soon. I'm so sorry that she has done this. Please don't beat yourself up over trying to work on your marriage. You had to do what was right for yourself, and you should never let ANYONE tell you what is right or isn't right for YOUR relationship. I wanted to work on mine too, and now I can truly and honestly say that I EARNED my way out of my marriage, while my ex just walked away. Be proud that you are a person who honors your commitments and doesn't just hightail it when "for worse" hits the fan. You can look yourself in the mirror and be proud that you are a man of dignity. You have nothing to be ashamed of, so don't waste precious energy, energy that you'll need elsewhere, beating yourself up. I also have no kids, and have recently just "walked away" as well. Be so glad this happened before you had kids. While you can't see it now, you will eventually be better off. Spend this time working on you and focusing on you. Don't let her convince you of anything - she's proven herself a liar and it's time to start caring first about yourself. Please take care. Consider therapy to help you through the ups and downs. I would also recommend the book "Surviving Infidelity" by Rona Sobotnik. It will help you understand the type of affair that this is, and while it's usually deadly to a marriage. It will also help you get YOU back. Best of luck.
sumdude Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 sux.. I know. Sorta similar to what happened to me. Trouble with conceiving, married less than 2 years but together 7, mine was on hormone treatment which didn't help her emotional state either. You'll be fine in time, just take care of yourself and don't let it turn you into someone you don't like. All people are flawed, some just more than others and in different ways. Few things feel worse than being lied to by the one person you always thought you could count on. Yeah it's a good thing there were no kids because you'll realize if it wasn't this now it would probably have been something else later and that could have been a bigger mess. As far as the living alone thing... you might want to try it. I never did before my ex left, after a while I got used to it and it was a good learning experience. Something I think everyone should do once in thier lives. A little hard at times but a good thing. Make sure to have a couple good freinds or family members you can really open up to about it all.
bestadvisor Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 Base, I think you should expose. You will feel better and she deserves it. No matter what happened to your marriage, her secrets should be open for the world to know. After the exposure, work on taking care of yourself. That should be your number one priority.
whichwayisup Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 Two wrongs don't make a right. Revenge isn't cool, especially if he feels alot of regret. Trust me, one day she will wake up out of her affair fog and realize she lost a good man. She'll be miserable and depressed. I do agree with Sumdude about living on your own. I know it isn't easy and it's hard to be alone, live alone when you've never done it before - But it will make you more independant, more self efficient as well, stronger and most of all - YOU will always know you can make it on your own without having to rely on someone else to make you happy. (You won't "BE" alone, you'll always have friends and family, remember that!)
bestadvisor Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 Two wrongs don't make a right. Telling the truth is not revenge. Telling people that she has cheated is not revenge as long as he doesn't call her names. By doing that, he is actually sending a message to a mass number of people that there are consequences to cheating. It's not only a matter of making yourself feel better for a moment by exposure, it's alos a way to finalize a chapter in your life.
whichwayisup Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 then I said what I knew would terrorize her the most. Those two are co-workers at a company with a vicious rumor mill. There is a big happy hour tonight, so I threatened to walk in and tell everying that my wife is f'ing Jim *****. Sorry, but doing this at a work function IS REVENGE! It's dramatic, it's cruel and he'll regret it as soon as the words are out of this mouth. Encouraging him to do this is not a bright idea. I know you'll disagree with me, BA, but it will cause HIM alot of pain by doing this as well...That and all the gossip too that will go on.
Crestfallen_KH Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 base has said he won't do it as he wants to look back with dignity, so I agree, he shouldn't do it. I can understand the tempation, but if you conduct yourself in a dignified manner during the process, the pride you will feel later about how you conducted yourself will be priceless. My ex moved in with his co-worker once they begun their affair, and I was tempted to spread that to their co-workers but guess what? They both ended up getting fired anyway and I didn't have to dirty my hands to do it. In the end, you have to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and being proud about what you see there is worth more than any results you might garner from revenge.
quankanne Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 fantasize about revenge all you want, as to get it out of your system, then continue to take the high road. YOU gave it your all, even though you suspected the deck was stacked against you, so YOU really have nothing to be ashamed about. Besides, you not saying a word to her coworkers leaves you coming out looking like a true gentleman when news finally does get out about her affair with a co-worker. like I tell my husband, kill 'em with kindness. Because even if you don't really like someone, you're taking the higher road by being civil. It makes them appear bad if they refuse to do likewise.
bestadvisor Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 fantasize about revenge all you want, as to get it out of your system, then continue to take the high road. YOU gave it your all, even though you suspected the deck was stacked against you, so YOU really have nothing to be ashamed about. Besides, you not saying a word to her coworkers leaves you coming out looking like a true gentleman when news finally does get out about her affair with a co-worker. like I tell my husband, kill 'em with kindness. Because even if you don't really like someone, you're taking the higher road by being civil. It makes them appear bad if they refuse to do likewise. That's very positive thinking. She could be badmouthing him right now and make him out to be the bad guy and reveal the affair later so people would think that the affair happened after the seperation and the divorce. I believe in justice as long as it's achieved in an ethical and legal manner. Justice is served when people know what she did, the damage she caused to the marriage, and the pain she let her husband suffer.
Chrome Barracuda Posted December 1, 2007 Posted December 1, 2007 Why should she get privacy for what she done! She's a F-ing dumb b! And I'm gonna tell you why, only a short time in your marriage and your already jumping into bed with another man, while your husband is at home waiting for you to come!!! F-that! I'd say go scorched earth policy!!!! She shouldnt be able to hide her face. A woman tells everyone her husband cheated it's fine. A man does it it's revenge? WTF? Stop with the double standards BS! Base, tell everyone that that is the real reason your marriage is over if they ask. I would you dont owe her anything now! She didnt think of that while she was getting screwed by the OM, So she screwed herself. She did it to herself. It isnt his fault she did it! No one put a gun to her head and forced her to open her legs and get sticked by another man right? That was her choice!
whichwayisup Posted December 1, 2007 Posted December 1, 2007 She shouldnt be able to hide her face. A woman tells everyone her husband cheated it's fine. A man does it it's revenge? WTF? Stop with the double standards BS! Nah, if he was a female and telling this same story, I'd give the same advice. Revenge is wrong, no matter what dangles (or doesn't dangle) between the legs. Besides, people aren't stupid, I'm sure most of those coworkers know what's been going on anyway.
Chrome Barracuda Posted December 1, 2007 Posted December 1, 2007 Nah, if he was a female and telling this same story, I'd give the same advice. Revenge is wrong, no matter what dangles (or doesn't dangle) between the legs. Besides, people aren't stupid, I'm sure most of those coworkers know what's been going on anyway. Well whatever, if people dont know they will now, because it's not revenge if it's the truth, why should he keep his mouth shut and let her walk off in the sunset without the consequences of her actions. It's only fair!
FearNoMore Posted December 1, 2007 Posted December 1, 2007 Base, I'm sorry for what your wife is putting you through. That is very selfish of her. On top of that, she had the nerve to tell you she was going away to think things through where in actual fact, she was going away with the other man! I would just wait for her to come back and deal with her then. Don't do anything you'll regret. It's a shame that you both are married only 14 months and she's cheating on you! My ex-hubby cheated on me after 5 years.... it was hell for me. I truly loved him and after a year, I'm only about to recover. If you feel it isn't worth saving, if you look deep in your heart it isn't worth it, end it please. I ended it after trying hard to make it work but the visuals kept creeping in...
Author base618 Posted December 3, 2007 Author Posted December 3, 2007 Wanted to post an update. She texted me when they left the hotel on Sunday, texted me when she knew what time she would be home to get her stuff. I left the house. She is staying with him Sun, Mon night, business trip until thursday night, then staying with him friday night. I asked her to stay out of the house. I texted her this am telling her to call me, that I want her to take her things and move in with him. I don't see why I should leave, even though last night in the house alone was extremely difficult. I've decided that while I'm not going to spread rumors, I will tell the truth. I have a lot of close friends still at the company they work at. They have already been asking "what's wrong" for a few weeks. Now when they ask me, I will tell them everything, I will not lie. I know that part of the reason for doing that is to not let her have her cake and eat it too. The real reason I'm doing it is for me. I need help right now, I need my friends, and I want them to know just how bad I am hurting, and telling them the truth will do that. I've been to counseling before for depression. I already started going back a few weeks ago when this all started. I'm making every effort to find friends, but it is difficult. So right now, when I think of her, the #1 feeling is anger. I'm sure there is a list of stages that people go through, but right now, I'm stuck on anger. Thanks for all the support, right now, LS is helping me a lot.
hopeful26 Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 Wow, I'm so sorry to hear about this. You sound like such a great guy! It sounds to me like this little lady has needed a reality check for a while. It's game over for her. She had her chance(s) and she failed. I believe it was Gunny who said something like, "It's better to be single and alone than married and alone!" Man oh man...that is SO true. I wouldn't go out of your way to get revenge if I were you either. As you said, you want to look in the mirror and see that man of dignity. But, I would be honest with people that are close to you and let them know exactly why you are hurting so badly. There is a reason for your pain and I wouldn't sugar-coat it for nothin'! Ah yes, anger. Number two in the five stages of grief. Yuck. It'll come and go, then perhaps come and go some more. Don't try to stop any of the grief from happening. You have every right to feel angry, and any other feeling you feel! Just keep posting here. Many of us can sympathize and offer support.
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