A different kind of jealousy?

[QWERTY]

I know there are many stories of jealousy on this board, but I haven't read one which matches my story so I'm hoping for some advice.

 

I've been with my g/f for almost two years. I treat her with respect, never pressure her for sex, don't see sex as an end goal but as a great compliment to a healthy relationship, I'm romantic and considerate (and not just to get sex) and show her how much I appreciate her and value her every day. She often tells me how respected she feels by me, and how she never feels pressured or objectified by me.

 

Now here's the problem -- our sex life is just so-so. There isn't a lot of passion, or frequency -- usually about once a week. Now to some people that may be a lot, but let me finish. I also don't feel very desired by her, although I'm a decent looking guy and she tells me I'm sexy all the time. But her actions don't match her words.

 

The reason for this, as far as I know, is that she has some pretty big hangups about sex. Prior to me, she was involved with a married man who made her feel very objectified, and she told me that her relationship with him was basically just sexual. It happened at a very low point in her life, and she now feels a lot of shame about it, and to a lesser extent, about sex in general.

 

She told me when she was with him she always really looked forward to having sex with him, but then felt ashamed after. I also believe she spent hours having sex with him, which has never happened with us. She once described it as being addicted to having sex with him.

 

She is currently in therapy, but needs to work on other issues first. I'm in therapy as well, and outside of this issue, our relationship is relatively healthy.

 

So I understand why she has hang-ups about sex, but I've found it hard to let go of the fact that she wanted this man (for unhealthy reasons, but wanted him nonetheless) more than she wants me. With us, sex just kind of happens, and I never get the feeling that she's looking forward to it before it happens.

 

And while I'm not the world's best lover, I am proficient. I'm passionate and giving and make sure her needs are being met to the best of my abilities. She tells me how connected she feels to me during sex, which is wonderful, but it's not the same as feeling like she really wants me. I've talked to her about it, and she said she does want me... but again her actions just don't seem to match her words.

 

So basically I'm not jealous that she was with him... I'm jealous that she wanted him more than she wants me. I've had very passionate relationships before, and I just wish she would say "I can't wait for you to get home so I can make love to you" or show me in some way that she really wants me.

 

I love this woman and want to be with her, but I really need this feeling to go away. Sometimes it bothers me a bit, sometimes a lot, but it's been a constant presence and is definitely having a negative effect on me. I'm going to talk about it with my therapist, but I'm really hoping someone here has some insight and/or advice.

 

Thanks!

[sally4sara]

Have you talked to her or seen indications of what she fantasizes about? I ask because some people only feel passion when in the midst of some struggle. Such as a lot of good music or books being made by musicians and writers who live under an oppressive government.

Struggle or conflict can breed passion. Maybe she is one of those people who needs to feel overwhelmed, objectified, or unsettled to feel passionate? If she is, then it would stand to reason that a supportive and stable relationship might not provide enough inner struggle for her to feel passionate about anything, not just you.

Do you feel she exhibits a complacency in other areas of her life? In the areas of her life that are stable, is she just running on auto pilot while other less stable areas of her life seem to consume her till they are resolved?

[QWERTY]

Thanks sally4sara.

 

She did tell me that the sex with the married man gave her comfort, at a time when she was very unhappy. So it was like comfort eating, or alcoholism, or any other unhealthy addiction that you wish you could stop but keep doing because it eases your pain.

 

But I think you're onto something... she wanted him more because she was so unhappy -- sex was her comfort, so she was more passionate about it.

 

But what does that mean for me? I think part of my issue isn't just jealousy about her passion for him... it's about me wanting her to want me more and be more passionate with me, and knowing that she is capable of it (because she was that way with him).

 

As for her fantasies, I haven't asked because I'm a little afraid of what I might hear. And I know she likes it when the person she is with takes control and is dominant, and she used to like to talk dirty, but I also know she's conflicted about it because it makes her feel shameful. So I've been taking the gentle approach -- I'm a little bit passionate and dominating, but still holding back.

 

And she says she's happy with our sex life, because of the emotional connection we have. I just wish we could keep that connection, but have more passion and have her really want me instead of just enjoying being with me. It's like there's this wellspring of passion inside her, and we both know it's there... she's just afraid or uninspired to let it out. Or is it just gone now... now that she's happier and feels more secure, has that (unhealthy) passion and desire dried up?

 

I think I need to talk to her, but I don't really know where to start or what to ask. I can definitely be more dominant if that's what she wants, but I think she may still too conflicted about her passion and sex in general. So what do I do about it?

[whichwayisup]

Look at it this way, she is ashamed of her behaviour, having an affair with a MM and all the drama that brings out. Go take a read in the OW/OM section, you'll see that many involved in affairs compare the feelings as addictive, like an addict waiting for their next hit.

Her affair is in the past, she's getting therapy for it. You know she wasn't in a good frame of mind, hense her choices. I'm sure she was hurt by the affair, not only pain for herself, but she helped a man cheat and betray his wife - THAT must do damage.

 

So, instead of thinking that you don't measure up, think of it as this - It was extremely sexual, something that she regrets and wants to feel love, passion, kindness, care during love making (which I am sure she feels for you) but right now she needs to get past her demons so she can be that person in bed with you.

[sally4sara]

Well, there is a big difference between the passion born of turmoil and naughty playtime between two people who love and trust each other. One is healthy and the other isn't.

 

If she has hinted at liking a more dominant partner but holds back because of guilt or shame, then discuss that with her. Reassure her that your relationship is the perfect setting for exploring these things because no matter what fantasy she is interested in, you do love her and respect her. Not only that, but you love her and respect her enough that she can be assured this will not change so she won't have to actually be ashamed. But you have to mean it! Shame, humiliation...these emotions can be played upon without her having to fear that you no longer respect her.

 

One way you can draw her out is to learn more about this kind of lifestyle and go into the discussion already knowing what YOUR limitations are. How embarrassing would it be for her if you get her to confess wanting to have you urinate on her and then find out you are disgusted by it?

Maybe if you try being a little more dominant with her first (just a little at first) and go get yourself a copy of "The Loving Dominant". Let her know you're reading it in a nonchalant way.....leave it on the nightstand or something for her to notice. That way she can see that you have taken an interest in it, you can in the meantime be learning what things you really DON'T want to explore, and wait for her to talk about it.

[QWERTY]

Thanks whichwayisup. It was an unhealthy addiction -- but that's the problem.

 

She was addicted, mainly sexually, to a person. And I'm the next person... the person she's not addicted to. The person that she may be in a healthier relationship with, but also the person who knows she doesn't want him as much as she wanted someone else.

 

I know she wouldn't give me up to go back to a relationship like that. And I've tried telling myself that I should be happy with that, and to get over it. But I just can't seem to.

 

It's like she was an alcoholic, and I'm a glass of water. She drinks me and knows that I'm healthier for her, but it's not like she sits around thinking "I can't wait to have a glass of water!" If she's thirsty she drinks some water, but otherwise she doesn't think about it, or get excited about it while she's drinking it. It's just kind of there, helping her to not feel thirsty in a healthy way, but that's about it.

 

And where do my wants fit in with that? I'm holding back for fear of making her feel objectified, but the way we make love isn't what I want. I want her to want me, and to feel that when we're making love... and when we're not. Is it wrong for me to want that?