I want him back..

[doar_eu]

I can’t stop crying and I’m reading this forum trying to find some advice on how to deal with what I’m going through right now, but every situation is different and of course doesn’t match mine… So that’s why I decided to tell my own story here and ask for help because I’m freaking out and don’t have anybody to talk to…. I cry and cry all day and night and just can’t pull myself out of this … I really need some help, any advice would be really appreciated, so please anybody who’s reading this just stop and say one word, something….

 

So here’s my story: almost 3 years ago I met this guy and fell in love. He’s American but he’s living in Europe, his parents are European, I am from Europe. He’s 22 years older than me, but that never really bothered me because I thought and I still think that age is just a number and it’s important how you feel and act and not how many birthdays you had… Anyways, it was a quick thing, we met in my country, had a great time, he kept coming back to see me for a month and then I decided to move to his country (still in Europe, where he had been living for about 5 years) so we can be together and continue our relationship.

 

I moved to his place and started to work with him and I thought everything will go good between us but I was wrong. We started having problems from the first few months, he was unhappy with my smoking so I quit after 2 weeks, but it was not easy for me. I was irritated, he was getting upset with me for the smallest things, and this is how we started to fight. I had a hard time adjusting to this new environment because everything was new to me, I didn’t know any people there and I didn’t speak the language, and he would have high expectations of me but not offer to help me much to adjust.

 

We were fighting more and more and always thinking of ending the relationship, but we kept going like this for 2 ½ years partly because we hoped that things would get better if we keep trying and partly because I would have had to move back to my country and we both knew that if I was going to do that it would be hard to reconcile…

 

We stopped being intimate after the first 3 months of our relationship. I always had a problem with that but my boyfriend kept saying that he can’t get close to me because we are always fighting. I thought he might not feel attracted to me anymore because I gained about 20 pounds in 1 year and I didn’t look as hot as I used to when he first met me, but he kept saying that looks are not the problem, the constant fighting is.

 

I tried everything… I tried not to fight with him anymore, to do what he wanted, to agree with him, to please him and make him happy, I started working out and watching my diet and lost half of the weight that I had gained… Sometimes we would go for 2-3 weeks with perfect harmony and no fighting, but he still wasn’t able to get close to me, kiss me or make love to me… and always ended up fighting with me again for the stupidest reasons… like why am I not smiling and acting happy a specific day (when I wasn’t feeling good), why did I disagree with him on a specific subject (when all I was doing is state my opinion on the subject)… Anything would upset him…

 

Things went from bad to worse so in July this year I couldn’t take it anymore and decided to leave and go back to my country and take a break. He always blamed me for all our problems and never admitted he did anything wrong. We talked and agreed I would work on my problems and then get back together if we both feel better about things. Two weeks later I wanted to come back and be with him again. I was very determined to do anything in my power to make it work but he told me he doesn’t want to get back together with me.

 

He kept putting all the blame on me and accusing me of everything that went wrong in our relationship. Because I loved him and I really wanted to work things out I admitted to everything he would accuse me of and I promised I would do my very best to work on those issues. I went to counseling, I started socializing more because one of his problems with me was that I wasn’t very sociable, I did everything he asked from me and I always showed him how much I love him and how much I want to be with him and have a good and healthy relayionship.

 

To this day he keeps sending me mixed signals, now hinting that we’ll get back together soon, the next day telling me he doesn’t want to be with me again.

 

I am at the end of my rope… I feel there is nothing else I could say or do to make him change his mind. At the same time I just can’t let go of him and I keep hoping and praying that he will change his mind and want to be with me again.

 

I don’t know what else I could do… If anybody reading this has any idea at all… please take the time to drop me a line. I desperately need some advice….

 

I’m posting this in Second chances because I would want to get some advice on how to get him to give me a second chance. And please, don’t suggest NC, because that’s not doable, I still work for him and we communicate by email and messenger every day…

 

Thanks for reading this if you made it this far…

[Freddy]

Hello, sorry to hear that your in so much pain. I don't have the answers your looking for but just to tell you I understand. It seems you have been working on yourself but what has he done to make your relationship better? If your the only one trying then it's not going to get any better. It's clear to me that he's the one with the issues. Good luck.

[doar_eu]

Hi, Freddy! Thanks for caring enough to reply. It feels so good to hear that somebody understands what I'm going through.I really appreciate it.

 

To answer your question: no, I don't think he has done anything to improve our relationship for the past 4 1/2 months since we're apart for the simple reason that he doesn't think that he did anything wrong. Ok, if someone would ask him he would probably say that all that he MIGHT have done wrong was to raise his voice at me every now and then, but he would say that this is perfectly acceptable because he is a passionate person and this is his way of expressing himself. But that's about it... he won't admit to doing anything else wrong.

 

Yes, at this point it seems like I'm the only one trying to fix this relationship... My family also believes that he has quite a few issues he should deal with in order to be able to have a relationship with anybody, but I was thinking that maybe they're just not objective being my family...

 

I talked to him tonight and he says things are up in the air at this moment and I am the one who has to make some changes so things could get better. I don't know, I feel he's brainwashing me to believe it's all my fault.

 

At this very moment he's out with his friends and co-workers at some bar... I'm home by myself thinking of him... Pretty pathetic...

 

Thanks again, Freddy... wish you all the best...

[Ssheena]

It's not you, it's him. This is the kind of guy who would find something wrong with "you" if you were a Stepford Wife (perfect looking, acting, just perfect in everyway, but a robot). This is a perfect example of a narcissict personality disorder. If you look through a few old threads or google it, you will see.

 

In my experience, and I don't know how old you are, but let's just say he is 44, he has been this way for a long, long time, has had other relationships that have been the same way and is not going to change. I am always more than a bit hesitant when I see or hear about someone that much older that has never been married, never in a long term relationship and single. Initially they seem great and then.....you see the real thing.

 

I just thought about a book I have at home, because I was going to tell you to play your best friend for a second, and ask yourself, if it was your best friend telling you about a man like this, what would you tell her? But then I thought that you have been walking on eggshells.. tiptoeing around, not wanting to trip him off. What kind of life is that? You are unable to be yourself when you are with him. Anyway, there is a book, called Stop Walking on Eggshells, look for it on your favorite online book seller.

 

I went out with a guy like this for awhile and he too was older than me. Breaking up with him was the best thing I ever did.

 

I'm sorry you are feeling bad but from what you have written this is a terrible one-sided relationship which you have put everything into and he has put zero. Two and a half years you have put up with this? Two and a half years you have tried and tried and NO SEX?????

 

Stop thinking about him and think about you! I don't know you, Freddy doesn't know you and we both care more about you than he does!!!

[doar_eu]

Thank you so much Ssheena for your reply.... I read carefully everything you said and I have to agree with you.... it is one sided and has been like that for a long time now.

 

You were pretty accurate in your guessing... just that he has been married a few times before. Actually he was in the middle of his last divorce when I met him, he was getting out of his longest relationship (4 1/2 years)...

 

I realize he's not going to change and I am willing to accept him as he is and just deal with him the way he is... Not sure if I would be able to do it all the time, maybe now I am only seeing the positive in him because I love him and I miss him so much.

 

If my best friend would be in my situation and she would tell me all this, I would definately think that she has lost her mind if she's still considering having a relationship with that guy... Funny how I feel so diferently about the whole thing when I'm not emotionally involved.... how is that possible?

 

Yes, you are correct, I have always felt like walking on eggshells while being with him. Most of the times I would regret making a simple comment about something or sharing my thoughts and feelings about something or someone because he would use it against me later... I learned to think twice before saying something to him and started to choose my words carefully... which isn't always easy since I had to speak English to him and English is not my mother tongue...

 

And I can't be myself around him because he just doesn't like how I am... he says I'm too shy and overly sensitive, which is partly true, but not to the extent that he says I am. I just feel I have too work so hard to please him and I am doing everything I can think of to do just that, but it seems I'm not doing a good job because he doesn't even see and appreciate my efforts. I guess I just can't make him happy....

 

He seems to be such a cold person sometimes... even today when I told him that I loved him he responded that I should focus on making some changes and leave all feelings out of this because it would only mess up everything... How could I do that? Isn't this whole relationship issue about OUR FEELINGS ?

 

I just do not get it sometimes... maybe I just don't know English good enough or don't understand American talk...

 

I'm 27 y.o. ... and yes, it's been like this... no sex... almost since the beginning... It started 3 months after we moved together. I don't think he ever cheated on me, actually I'm sure of it.

 

I guess you are right... if he cared about me he would show it somehow. people I never met like you and Freddy can find it in their heart to say a word of advice... but the person that I lived with for 2 1/2 years is telling me to put my feelings aside...

 

Thanks for the tips on that book and personality disorders... I just remembered I studied that in college, going to go back to my books and also do an online search to see what I can find on this subject...

 

You've been really helpful and an eye opener... I really appreciate it!

[Ssheena]

You're welcome. I'm always concerned (afterwords of course) that what I post might be too harsh and direct but it's really what is what. Cutting through the crap and calling it as I see it.

 

I know it is hard when you are speaking in a different language as well. The nuances are hard to get. I remember when I lived in Germany I used "schwein" as I would use pig in english.. and it had a totally different conotation. Also I used verbs wrong all the time.

 

You shouldn't have to change yourself and always be stopping yourself and thinking ...should I say this? How is he going to react? etc. He really sounds like a messed up guy. Who died and made him God? Why are you giving him so much power?

What I'm afraid is going to happen is you are totally going to lose yourself in this relationship.

 

Seriously, the guy that I went out with like this, my friends still laugh at me for. He used to say stuff to me like, how many friends do you have? Why can't you be more like so and so? Ohhh, he was soooo F*'d up. He was perfect and I was the one with all the things wrong. Then, lo and behold, I finally had enough. I realized my friends accept me just the way I am and they LIKE the way I am. I'm not everything he says I am.

 

Married a few times??? More than once? And a 4.5 year relationship is the longest he's ever had?

 

Run away, run away, run far, far away (and then be prepared for him to return and beg you to come back, full of empty promises). Don't waste anymore of your late 20's on this!

 

I think just starting to look at it from a different perspective, opening your eyes to HIS issues is great first step. Also, of course, it's way easier to look at things from outside but if you are the one in it, it's not.

 

There was this great movie, had my favorite guy, Gael Garcia Bernal in it... let me find the name..."Dot the i"... the girl in it was with this guy who was always trying to change her and put her down all the time....

 

Your english is fine too btw.

[doar_eu]

Thanks a lot Ssheena!!!

 

You never have to worry about being too harsh with me. I need and want to hear your honest opinion on the matter because when it comes to putting sugar on it I'm doing a good job myself

 

I've studied English intensively for more than 12 years and there's always room for improvement but I am usually capable of expressing myself in English. The problem is that when my ex was arguing with me I wasn't always able to handle the pressure and immediately come up with the right words to express how I felt. That was really frustrating because he would pick on my words and twist them to use them against me. That's how I started to think twice before I speak to him and try to use the words that don't make him come back with something else.

 

The worst part of it is that he can't just argue about something and either come to a conclusion or just drop the issue... He would hold a grudge forever and never put things in the past and move on. Also I often found his reasoning very difficult to understand. He used to go on and on for hours telling me what his problems with me are, then I would do anything I could to correct all that and make him happy, only to hear that I misunderstood him and he still doesn't see any improvement in me. It's very confusing and hard to live like this.

 

My ex seems to be exactly like that guy that you used to date and probably more. He would admit to not being perfect himself, I mean he would say these words, but that's about it. He would not act like he has any problems and consequently he would not do anything about them. For example, he admits he has a bad temper but he would not do anything about it. On the contrary, he would accuse me of having a bad temper. I know sometimes that would be true, because on some occasions when we were fighting and he was yelling at me I yelled back at him or just stopped talking and left the room. The difference is that I would lose my temper every now and then, maybe once every couple of months and only when we were really fighting, but he would lose his temper almost daily and most of the times for no good reason. Oh, and if you ask him, he would say he never yells at me, he's just a passionate person and that's his way of expressing himself (in a loud voice). I just think there are ways of expressing yourself without the neighbours hearing...

 

He has been married four times before and he doesn't like to talk about it much, but one time he told me himself that his 4th wife had the same problem that I have with his bad temper. He is also interested only in girls in their 20s.... he once told me that he had never dated a girl older than 26.

 

While writing all this, things are getting more clear to me and I start noticing some issues that I've tried to ignore in the past because I really loved the guy and wanted to think the best of him... Now I'm starting to paint a more realistic picture of himself and to be honest with you I don't really like it... Then again, maybe now I'm just focusing on the negatives and he's not that bad as I start to describe... Oh God!!! I don't even trust my own judgement anymore! That's why I would really need some outside input.

[Ssheena]

Married 4 times before and 4.5 years is the longest and he only dates young women....

 

Uhhhh. Sugar coated poo is still poo!

 

Keep going, keep writing...then look at what you write and you'll see what I am seeing...

Here's a tip... unless you are a bull, when you see red flags the correct response is to go hmmm.. wait a sec, something isn't right here... and girlfriend, there are lots of red flags here.

[doar_eu]

Yeah... I have been ignoring all the red flags... I didn't know many things about him when I decided to move in with him, and when I started to find out this and that it was already too late, I was in love head over heels and I hoped that things will work out for us... in spite of everything.

 

Just an hour ago we were talking on the phone and he was telling me he had such a good time last night with his friends and employees. They all went to some bar with live music and they partied till 4 a.m. He has this new employee, an American girl, and also another girl who works for him, and he told me they had so much fun... And that he was happy to do this for the people that he likes and cares about. I told him that I was happy that he had a good time, but at the same time I'm sad because I wasn't there with him. I told him that I loved him and wanted to be there too, and he freaked out... He got so mad saying that I am the one who left him. I said maybe so, but 2 weeks later after I left I wanted to come back and work things out and ever since he keeps saying no. He didn't even let me finish the sentence, he said he's very upset with me for depressing him and ruining his day and that he doesn't want to talk to me anymore and hang up on me. I called him back but he would not pick up the phone, then I sent him a text to apologize and tell him that it's so obvious that he doesn't love me so I will not bother him again. He texted me back saying that he doesn't feel like talking to me because I am depressed and that he tried to make things better with me but I do not get it or don't want to make our lives better.

 

Again I am confused: for 4 months now I've been trying to please him and did everything he asked me to do so we can get back together. I'm going to counseling to get some input... Everything he asked from me I've done it and whenever I talk about us getting back together he says no.

 

And tonight he got mad just because I told him that I am sad because we are not together. How does equal depression????? And even if that would be true, am I so off the wall for being depressed when I see he doesn't appreciate my efforts to work things out and doesn't want me back?

 

Am I overly sensitive for feeling hurt when he said that he wanted to make the girls working for him happy and that these are the people that he likes and cares about? What am I then? Nothing, I guess... For sure not one of these people since he keeps me away and even gets angry when I say I want to be with him.

 

Anyway... it hurts like hell... I would like to talk to him and try to make him understand... but then I feel that nothing I could say or do would make a difference if not make things even worse. So I pray to God to give me the strength to stay away from him and not contact him anymore.

 

The hard part is that I work for him and eventually we'll talk. I'm sure that sooner or later he will bring this up and I don't know what to say to him anymore. I really don't know... and I will have to say something. I just can't handle being rejected and criticised anymore while he's praising and appreciating other people, it's too much already.

 

I'm sure he think this is jealousy... Is it? Is it not? I don't know anymore. All I know is that he's breaking my heart.

[Ssheena]

Right here:

He didn't even let me finish the sentence, he said he's very upset with me for depressing him and ruining his day and that he doesn't want to talk to me anymore and hang up on me.

 

Wait a minute...

 

He texted me back saying that he doesn't feel like talking to me because I am depressed and that he tried to make things better with me but I do not get it or don't want to make our lives better.

 

Exactly how does one make some depressed? How could saying, gee, I'm glad you had a good time and I'm happy for you but I wish I could have been there with you too, ruin his (again, who died and left him God?) day?

 

How and when has he tried to make things better? Did you blink and miss that?

 

Jealous? For saying you want to be there with the man you love who "supposedly" loves you too? He is showing you by how he treats you and what he says to you that he cares more about these other two girls than he does about you!!!

 

In a "real" relationship, wouldn't you expect the person/equal partner to say, yeh, it would have been really great if you had been there?

 

Who cares what if he thinks it is jealousy? I'm sure he does because it's just feeding into his, I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread and the world revolves around me, narcissist personality.

 

Please... read/google REALIZE ACCEPT it's HIM..

http://www.buzzle.com/editorials/12-24-2001-8349.asp

 

He is not breaking your heart, you are letting me. Don't. Search the forums for other posts.. you'll see, your aren't the first that has fallen captive and you won't be the last, but you are going to be a heck of a lot smarter and more aware.

 

Chin up... Robbie Williams is still single..

[doar_eu]

I was crying again before I read your reply and now I find myself laughing!!

 

Thanks for being so supportive and cheering me up

 

I'll try to answer your question... my exact words were: "Please don't get me wrong. I am happy that you had a great time last night, but at the same time I am sad because I wasn't there." He got upset and asked why I was sad, so I answered: "I love you and I was hurt...." and that's when he cut me off and didn't want to talk anymore, he said in an angry voice that I am depressing him and I ruined his day, then said "have a nice weekend!" and hang up on me.

 

My guess is that the word "hurt" got him so angry... I believe he doesn't want to admit to himself or to me that his actions are affecting me...

 

He has always treated his friends and co-workers really good... acting like a friend, not a boss. And at the same time he treated my bad privately or in front of them at the office, which is the reason why I told him on different occasions that he seems to respect and care for them more than he respects and cares for me. That's when he started accusing me of being jealous on his friends and employees.

 

It doesn't even matter if I am right or if he is. I believe the proof is in the putting. last night (and generaly) he cares more about their state of mind. he even told me today he did this last night so one of the girls working for him (a sales person) would feel good about herself and have fun and that is important because she gets a lot of negative answers from potential customers...

 

Ok, whatever... But what about my state of mind? How am I supposed to feel when he's constantly pushing me away, criticising me, not saying one nice thing about me or doing something to make me feel better? So far the only thing he's done for me since the break up was to let me have this job working for him, but he made it clear that it's only good until he makes the final decision on wether or not we will get back together.

 

To be honest... if before this I still had my hopes up and I was motivated to do whatever is needed so we can get back together.... now I feel I can't go on like this anymore. He kept accusing me I'm depressed while I was only stressed out and concerned about our situation, our future... Now I got depressed. It got to me.

 

I even started to wonder if he wanted to talk to me and told me all this tonight just to make me respond the way I did so he would pick on that and find another reason to fight with me.

 

Or I'm just loosing my mind... I don't know.

 

I'm going to check out that link, thank you so much Ssheena!

[Ssheena]

I did forget to mention, I have dibs on Robbie.

 

(oh gosh, now I have an old Take That song going through my head... )

[doar_eu]

Just in case anybody is interested... I got my ex back about a month ago.... and I DEEPLY REGRET IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Things are the same as before we broke up. It was a huge mistake...

 

So... a piece of advice for anybody who might be praying to get their ex back: be extra careful if you want to get back together and this time use your head, not your heart!

[Ssheena]

Well.. now you can break up with him and be strong. I've done the same thing. Take them back and then realize - yikes, they are terrible. Sometimes it takes a long time to have your eyes opened but once they are... they never close to facts again.