I broke up my marriage

[mental_traveller]

She cheated again. Once a cheater, always a cheater? I see my wife's point and I understand her leaving, but I dont' want her to. I want a second chance. I've been to counseling, we went to counseling together, then decided to reconcile. Why after all this time and all our work, would she throw the towel in now? She tells me that she just can't get it back. What is "it"? What is she talking about?

 

 

 

That's what she said! I made a choice to end this marriage when I cheated. She doesn't see it as a mistake. She said that because we talked about infidelity a lot before we got married, she felt that I knew where she stood with this behaviour, which I did, I want to take it all back....I want my wife.....

 

 

You keep talking about what you want - that's the big problem I see here. How about putting your own wishes aside and considering what she wants, for a change? If you look at it in terms of her wishes, then her decision to leave makes perfect sense.

[I Cheated]

I've read and re-read these posts. I learned in counseling that I'm a sucker for needy women. I need to be needed and the OW stroked my ego. My W is a beautiful, confident woman. She is very close to her children (from a previous marriage) and they rally around her in her times of downs. I have no one. My children hardly speak to me. So I think the OW came in to my life at a very vulerable time for me. My father died and I believe I was severly depressed and was thrown into a mid-life crises. My W didn't deserve what I did. And, I'm willing to let her go. I just thought that things were good while we were reconciling. We laughed, had great times together, but the thing that probably set her to leave in the end was our sex life. I hope this isn't getting too personal, but because I have no one to talk to, I'm posting this. One night while we were being intimate, I couldn't climax and she asked me if everything was okay. My answer was, look this is for you, I want to please you. I don't need sex. After that, she never was the same. Several months later when she decided to leave she told me that she just can't do this anymore, first she has to deal with the A, then she is staying with a husband who doesn't need sex, she explained to me that she isn't wonder woman and she has a breaking point, so she decided to leave. We still talk to each other daily. I love her so much and I miss her. I know I betrayed her, I know I let her down. I know, to quote her, the one man that she she loved more than anything in the world, was the person who hurt her the most. I can't change what happened, but I can be the best husband to her that I can be. Do you think she'll ever give me that chance? I'm stuck. I can't seem to move on as I'm hoping that she'll come back home and I certainly don't want her to come home with more baggage. I know for a fact that she's dating - nothing serious, but it's her way of trying to move on. Why can't I do this? Should I? Should I just try and get over her and try to move forward even if my heart is broken? Or will I be just some pathetic guy out there with their heart in shambles and won't be able to offer anything to a future relationship except for more pain? I watched my wife fall apart, this beautiful, confident, vibrant, successful woman and I'm responsible for it. I don't want to ever do this to another person so I don't feel I should even try to pursue a future relationship.

 

Thanks for your posts. I know that I'm somewhat of an outcast here as reading alot of posts, most are the victims and I'm sorry for you. I'm sorry that your spouse did what I did. I've lost the love of my life for no good reason except for being completely selfish.

[whichwayisup]

I cheated, I respect your honesty...

 

You're in a sh*tload of pain right now, anyone can see that..So, just keep posting, and along the way, I do hope you find some insight from another person, another situation, and maybe you'll do some work on yourself to change, become the man you're meant to be. Learn from this, get some counselling and face your recent past, and other issues.. Thearpy is hard work and it's painful but you WILL come out a stronger and wiser person.

[Kasan]

One night while we were being intimate, I couldn't climax and she asked me if everything was okay. My answer was, look this is for you, I want to please you. I don't need sex. After that, she never was the same. Several months later when she decided to leave she told me that she just can't do this anymore, first she has to deal with the A, then she is staying with a husband who doesn't need sex, she explained to me that she isn't wonder woman and she has a breaking point, so she decided to leave.

 

I think that this could be key here--your wife can't get the visuals of you cheating with the OW out of her mind.

 

I believe that your wife feels rejected and not desirable, if you can have sex with a stranger and not make love with her.

 

Put yourself in her shoes--how would you feel if the situation was reversed, and she said something like this to you?

 

I am sure that it would sting and make you question how much your partner desired you.

 

Oh by the way, you aren't alone, a lot of men are suckers for needy women.

 

Keep working on yourself and try to repair the damage with your children.

 

Keep posting--we are all here trying to find solutions to problems that we have, or created.

[I Cheated]

I believe that your wife feels rejected and not desirable, if you can have sex with a stranger and not make love with her.

 

I desire my wife, she is incredibly sexy and beautiful. The OW was not attractive and she knew it. She had no self-esteem and I thought I was helping her. God, I know how this sounds, but that's the truth of it. Men fall all over my wife, the OW had little to none chance of finding another man because she was really a pathetic depressed woman who needed counseling and unfortunately, I got caught up in her emotions and was sucked in. I know that I'm not the victim but I'm trying to explain what happened the best I can. My wife feels like it wasn't an affair, she feels as though because of the time that I spent in the affair, it was a full blown relationship. Damn it, I even gave her a diamond necklace at Christmas. Unbeknownst to me, it was a necklace of three diamonds, I know now that sybolizes past, present and future. My wife tells me that she could never accept jewelry from me now because it's a trigger. Nor, can she ever enjoy Christmas with me because it too is a trigger. I don't blame her and I understand her agony so I feel that because the holidays are coming up, she just couldn't bear waking up with me on Christmas morning. Is this a common emotion for the BS? I don't want to sound cruel, but I get the feeling that there if more to my wife leaving. I really think she wanted to get out there and find someone new? Wouldn't this be a little selfish on her part or is this common for the BS? She actually told me the other day to get a girlfriend because that's what I needed to get me out of this funk. Is she kidding? Is she baiting me? Thanks for listening and thanks for all your support.

[norajane]

I don't want to sound cruel, but I get the feeling that there if more to my wife leaving. I really think she wanted to get out there and find someone new? Wouldn't this be a little selfish on her part or is this common for the BS?

She might have wanted to get out and find something new - something that is not tainted by an affair and all the pain and betrayal and hurt she's had to swallow.

 

Is that selfish? I don't see it that way. If she can't get over the betrayal and no longer can deal with the constant, underlying reminders and triggers, then leaving you is the best thing, don't you think? Otherwise, it prolongs the misery for both of you. This way, you are both free. That's not selfish. What would be selfish is for her to have an affair while pretending she's working on the marriage.

 

Some BS are able to move beyond the affair, some divorce immediately, and some try and find out it's not possible for them to move beyond the affair.

[I Cheated]

I guess I need to understand that my wife isn't coming back as I don't believe she is able to move beyond the betrayal.

 

Damn, I screwed up and I've lost the best thing that ever happened to me.

 

I remember something she said when she decided to leave....she said "This is best for both of us, I'll never be 100% happy in this relationship, and you (meaning me) deserve to be happy and to have someone to be happy with you" I take back the selfish comment. I understand what she was trying to say. She loved me enough to let me go, not the other way around.

[bustertypsy]

I am sorry I can't give you positive advice,but as a cheat you know that you did wrong.I don't understand,as a hot blooded male,why you cheated shortly after you married.Are you one of these people who thinks it's okay for you,but not for her??? If your wife was ****ing your coworkers brother at the same time,could you get over that,doubt it.So basically,you broke your wives heart,the woman you walked up the aisle with months before that(bet you were at it before you got married!!!)

Don't ever expect her to trust you again.Once broken,ALWAYS broken.They may try to give it another go,but ultimately every time you make love to her,they'll wonder if your thinking of them.That's just the way it is.I recommend that you leave her alone,out of respect for her.Then you should look for a new life.If you meet another,then learn from your fatal mistake,cos cheaters will always come out worse than the cheatees,in the end.

[I Cheated]

I guess now that were legally separated, my W isn't pretending anymore. From what I gather, my mom called her last night to ask if we were coming home for Christmas and my W spilled the bean. Told mom that we were separated and why. Now I can't look at mom in the eye. I'm so ashamed. I've lost everything, even the respect that I had from my own family.

[whichwayisup]

I am sorry that you're suffering the fallout...But sadly, your wife is suffering more and that's why she wants out.

 

All you can do now is own up to your mistakes and don't try to justify them. Go to counselling, become a better man and find that happiness again.

 

Your mom is upset and disappointed as she lost her daughter-in-law, and you two together as a family unit. Affairs hurt everyone, not just those caught IN it.

 

When you talk to your mom, dad and whomever else finds out, just admit you screwed up, you regret it all deeply and are getting help now to find out why you allowed this to happen.

[dgiirl]

One night while we were being intimate, I couldn't climax and she asked me if everything was okay. My answer was, look this is for you, I want to please you. I don't need sex.

 

Have you ever apologized to your wife because this is a pretty pivotal point?

 

If I was your wife, I'm sure those words would be running through my head every time we were intimate, especially if you were not climaxing. My exh and I had intimacy problems, and I simply shutdown every time he came close to me. He had called me selfish for buying lingerie on his birthday, he told me he could never be close to me unless we went all the way, he use to complain that I had no energy and he would start taking inventory of the cellulite on my body. Talk about destroying my self esteem. And then he'd wonder why I was not interested in sex. A woman needs to feel beautiful and sexy to be turned on. She needs to believe that you want to have sex with HER, because you find HER sexy, not just because you are horny. She needs to feel that SHE makes you horny.

 

My current boyfriend is simply amazing in this area! He tells me daily how beautiful, sexy and hot I am. He went wild the first night I wore new lingerie for him. He makes me feel like a fantastic lover, and that turns me on enough to want to please him more. If your wife finds a new lover who makes her feel the way my bf does, she will never return back to you.

 

After that, she never was the same. Several months later when she decided to leave she told me that she just can't do this anymore, first she has to deal with the A, then she is staying with a husband who doesn't need sex, she explained to me that she isn't wonder woman and she has a breaking point, so she decided to leave.

 

Can you really blame her? You just told her you dont need sex from her because as past has proven, you will get it from someone else. Talk about confidence killer Your partner should feel that you cannot get enough of them, and here you are saying that your doing her a favor by sleeping with her She's the one who was betrayed, she's the one giving you a chance to reconcile and save your marriage, and then you tell her you are doing her a favor to have sex with her. The power in this relationship is misaligned, at least for the time being. Since she was the one betrayed, and giving YOU a second chance, she has to feel the one in most power.

 

Thanks for your posts. I know that I'm somewhat of an outcast here as reading alot of posts, most are the victims and I'm sorry for you. I'm sorry that your spouse did what I did. I've lost the love of my life for no good reason except for being completely selfish.

 

We all make mistakes. Apologizing is just the first step. What you do NOW is what will determine what kind of person you are. What positive changes have you made because of this mistake? What have you learned? I still dont see you acknowledging the REAL reason why you cheated so soon after your wedding night. Yes, needy woman and feeling sorry for her, that's all superficial reasons. It takes the focus off of you and put's the blame on the other woman. That's not looking deep inside you and asking yourself the real tough questions. Why did you do it? What was lacking in your life that made you do it? What if you were in a similar situation, how would you do things differently? Do you know how to prevent this from happening again?

 

My wife feels like it wasn't an affair, she feels as though because of the time that I spent in the affair, it was a full blown relationship.

 

Have you allowed your wife the right to feel that it was a relationship? Your wife will never come back to you unless she knows for certain, without a doubt, you know exactly how _she_ feels. That you understand HER point of view. That doing xyz means relationship or whatever to your wife. You do not need to agree, but in order to win your wife back, if it's even possible, she needs to know YOU know that is how she will perceive it, so that the next time you are in the same situation, you know exactly how she will perceive it, and that if you were to ever repeat the same mistake, that the second time you did it knowing full well how much that would hurt your wife.

 

Your wife needs to be able to trust you, and part of being able to trust you is being able to believe that if/when the next time you do it, you have absolutely no excuses of escaping guilt, no excuses of "i need to be needed by needy woman and i didnt know this would happen".

 

It seems that after 3 years of trying to reconcile, she still does not believe you understand HER pov. You just dont GET it.

 

I don't want to sound cruel, but I get the feeling that there if more to my wife leaving. I really think she wanted to get out there and find someone new?

 

It's plausible she might have had an exit affair before leaving. But honestly, affairs are only symptoms of another problem in the marriage. And sadly, you've had problems in your marriage for a while. It's odd to accuse her of being selfish when you've had the affair, and then tell her you're only having sex with her for HER.

[LakesideDream]

Sad story. I know exctly how your wife feels, and I'm male! You done the deed, planted the seed. Now it's time to fold your tent and head out into the night.

 

I absolutely don't blame your wife for not wanting to be with you... or near you. It may have taken awhile, but she realised that she couldn't continue to pretend.

 

Make your future better than your past.

[I Cheated]

I confused about something. My wife called and said she missed me yet if I start talking about a future with her she goes cold. I don't get it. She sounds like she wants to be with me yet she backs off. I'm sure she's confused and I don't know how to help her. Any advise.

[jmargel]

You need to let her come to you, when you approach her she will run off like a scared cat. The BEST thing you can do is not talk about the future, and the best thing you can say is 'When and if you are ready to talk, I will be here to listen'.

 

You really need to get a crash course on communication, because it is extremely important at this stage of the game. When she talks, do NOT interrupt her, look at her when she is talking, when she explains her feelings and you feel disappointment, bite your tongue from trying to give excuses/reasons on why it happened, just reply with 'I understand'. Anything other than that will make it sound like you are not truly understanding what this has done to her and she will push away further.

 

Don't grovel or beg. Continue counseling for yourself, this is important since you are showing actions, not just words to her. Right now your words are meaningless, with the counseling you will be finding the root cause to why this happened to prevent this from happening again.

 

Being betrayed myself I can say if she stays with you, consider it one of the best gifts you will ever receive during your life. A spouse that has been cheated on has to work through alot of forgiveness and taintness and really has to know with a 100% certainty is your spouse truly the one they fell in love with, or the cheater. The foundation of your marriage is love, trust and honesty. When your house's foundation has major damage to it, you know alot of work is needed to repair it. Same goes for a marriage in this type of situation.

 

Something like this won't be resolved in weeks or months. This is something that will always be with you two even if you decide to stay together. There will always be that hurt, no matter how small it gets inside of her. That is what she is thinking about, whether she can live with this. By you talking about the future is really being controlling and selfish. This is the same selfishness that made you have this affair. Let her make the decisions, and allow her to take as long as she needs.

[I Cheated]

Christmas is really getting me down. I'm all alone which I brought on myself but as harsh as this sounds - a couple of years ago, I had two women, now I have none. What a hell I've created for myself.

 

Just venting.

[whichwayisup]

I confused about something. My wife called and said she missed me yet if I start talking about a future with her she goes cold. I don't get it. She sounds like she wants to be with me yet she backs off. I'm sure she's confused and I don't know how to help her. Any advise.

 

Ofcourse she misses you. She loves you too! But that isn't enough to make her want to fix things, atleast right now. Her whole world has been turned upside down and she's in alot of bad pain, so just go with the flow when it comes to your wife...You can't help her, all you can do (not only in words, but actions too) prove to her that you are worthy of another chance. Get that counselling, make sure SHE knows that you are actively trying to fix yourself, to better yourself - Not only for her sake, but for yourself... If she can see you putting in efforts, maybe that will help her see that you are deeply regretful and sorry for what you did.

 

Christmas is really getting me down. I'm all alone which I brought on myself but as harsh as this sounds - a couple of years ago, I had two women, now I have none. What a hell I've created for myself.

 

Just venting.

 

Call a guy buddy and go do something. Be with your parents, or other family members..

 

I do feel bad for you because you're in pain now, but it is by your own doing. These kind of situations by choice hurt everyone...

 

Now, go call a friend, or your brother. Don't be alone if you are feeling down and out about Xmas.

[regrets07]

I feel you bro. I was married for 4 years and had an affair with a collegue, which I now also despise. She isn't worth to lick the floor my wife steps on. My wife is bringing the divorce papers for me to sign. All over. Just enormous pain and regret left. I'm an empty shell now...

Well, I'm hoping time will make things better, but right now it's just so painful...

 

I hope you'll make through it!

[I Cheated]

Well, my wife called this weekend and brought up all that junk again. She told me that She said the holidays are getting the best of her as it is one big trigger. Anyway, she told me that she was no longer going to contact me as every time she does, it causes her to take two steps backwards in healing. She just can't take it anymore.

 

Anything I can do?

[vivrantflo]

Let her make the decisions, and allow her to take as long as she needs.

 

jmargel's post is something you should read over and over again. She's gonna need time, lots of time.. so let her have that space. She said that speaking to you is setting her back? Agree with her, give her space, but let her know that you WILL be there ANYTIME she needs to talk to you.

 

The hardest part about your situation is that the ball is in HER court. So give her time. Trust me, I know how hard that will be.

[bestadvisor]

Well, my wife called this weekend and brought up all that junk again. She told me that She said the holidays are getting the best of her as it is one big trigger. Anyway, she told me that she was no longer going to contact me as every time she does, it causes her to take two steps backwards in healing. She just can't take it anymore.

 

Anything I can do?

 

Don't you think that's good for both of you since she's moving on and started dating already?

[CCNWV]

Just thought I'd share my 2 cents. I just posted my own thread about where I am now, but the roots of the problem were the same as yours. I was in a horrible, emotionally abusive marriage for 10 years. I left and moved in with my current wife. For no good reason I went back and slept with my ex after a few months. My current wife was devastated but loved me and tried to work through it but could not forgive. This was 2 years before we got married. I went through much of what you have. Trust issues, my life had to be an open book. Every late night out was questioned. As a result I gave up most of my friends and activities. Every time I would fail to perform sexually she would be mad that I had no problem when I cheated. She eventually disrespected herself for keeping me. This went on for 6 years, you can check out my thread for details. But what I wanted to contribute was that when my wife went to counseling they told her that there are stages to getting over an affair and that she was "stuck" on a particular phase and hadn't gotten over it. She is now seeking therapy and the results of which will determine the future of our relationship. After this long, it's doubtful your wife will recover on her own. If she wants to come back to you, she will need to get some counseling of her own. But she has to want it first and there is really nothing you can do to make that happen. So move on with life, learn from your mistakes and if you get a second chance be the man she deserves.

[Tony6]

I would highly recommend marriage couseling. Perhaps, your wife may gain some insights into how to get past "the visuals" which, to be honest, would really be hard to do, espeically given the length of your affair. Maybe you will get some insights into why the affair occurred and how you can prevent a future affair. Your wife still loves you and you love her plus you have completely cut it off with the OW - so there is hope.

[I Cheated]

Thank you for your input. My wife and I went to counseling for a year and she actually is in individual therapy. She told me that she is full aware that she's unable to get through this on her own. As far as hope goes, I really don't have any of that. The stronger she becomes the more determined she seems to be to close this chapter in her life and to quote her - "it was a great relationship, just a crummy marriage." She said that I was a great boyfriend a wonderful fiance, but a horrible husband and the only mistake that she made was to marry me. If she hadn't have done that, we would probably still be together. As a matter of fact, I admitted that - stupid me. I told her that if we were still dating that I would have never cheated on her. She's right. I am a terrible husband. Why, why, why did I do this to her? To us? We were wonderful together!

[jmargel]

Thank you for your input. My wife and I went to counseling for a year and she actually is in individual therapy. She told me that she is full aware that she's unable to get through this on her own. As far as hope goes, I really don't have any of that. The stronger she becomes the more determined she seems to be to close this chapter in her life and to quote her - "it was a great relationship, just a crummy marriage." She said that I was a great boyfriend a wonderful fiance, but a horrible husband and the only mistake that she made was to marry me. If she hadn't have done that, we would probably still be together. As a matter of fact, I admitted that - stupid me. I told her that if we were still dating that I would have never cheated on her. She's right. I am a terrible husband. Why, why, why did I do this to her? To us? We were wonderful together!

 

No one is perfect. We all make mistakes. You need to start working on yourself. It seems you really learned from all of this. It's now time to start working on forgiving yourself. Keeping this hatred of yourself within' yourself can turn very serious. Are you suicidal?

 

I don't believe you were a horrible husband, you just made a horrible mistake. A mistake made by thousands everyday. Love isn't defined by one moment in time. You cheating is not a defining moment that screamed out 'I don't love my wife'. Perhaps your wife is needing a reason why you did this might help. Myself being married, I know from my own experience how easily one can be swept over by someone else's charm and compliments. Marriage takes work, hard work and is constantly faced with temptations and new challenges. We often get so comfortable with each other that we take them for granted.

 

You are not a bad person by any means. You need to stop beating yourself up over this. Doing that only makes things worse. I hope you re-read my last post I made on here and try to understand on what she needs right now.

[guessjeans]

The woman my husband is now seeing is the office secretary he hired when he was part owner of the company. He even boasts about the fact that he hired her! And guess what! When he owned the company, he was living with me and our son! I knew something was up once he owned the company, but i just figured it was stress. A woman knows when her husband, whom she knows sometimes more than herself, is "different".

 

We separated in October, and his partnership with the company ended in December of that year. He handed in his company cell phone a couple of weeks later, and my ex and I were making plans to go to Cancun in January or February . I was over at his house shortly after we separated, and he was on his cell phone and i walked into the room. He said "i have to go, deb is here"!..then hung up. He said to me, that is just a woman at the old company i worked for that calls me every once in awhile to see how i am doing.

 

Now its fair game, we were separated when she called him...but she was living with her husband at the time. Since when is it ok to call a man on his cell phone that use to work for the company, just to see how things are as friends?? Yeah right! She was emotionally cheating on her husband, and god only knows what was going on when we were living together. My ex has no idea I know who she is. When he first told me that he now has a g/f..i asked what she does for a living??and he said..."it doesnt matter'..i asked again and he said "nevermind"..i knew he was hiding something from me..so I laughed and said..what! is she is a stripper or something?? he said "it doesnt matter'.

 

Emotional cheating is just as devasating as physical cheating. Especially with a person at the office where you have physical contact everyday. If there was something going on in my situation, you start to look over everything and guestion anything. It makes you feel like you dont know that person anymore, and how many more incidences like this were going on during the entire length of the marriage.

 

guessjeans