dazie11 Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 My husband and I have been married for a little over 3 years we have a 2 year old and one on the way. He usually lies about a small things, like yesterday I found a gambling receipt which my 2 year old handed me:laugh: after he said he was going to a comedy show with his folks who were in town. It was an Indian casino, they did go to the show and we had agreed previously that he would not gamble since we had just went to Vegas the week before and he lost about a grand in an hour. He assured me that would never happen again. Well when I found the receipt yesterday and confronted him he first turned it around and tried to make it seem like my fault (like usual), then he became very apologetic. That is just the most recent lie, if I wrote each one down for the past 3 years I'd have a book. I have a career of my own now and can support myself and kids so I am considering seperation. We have done marraige counseling for months but it all seems to go in one ear and out the other with him. He doesn't do drugs, drink, and I am pretty sure he is faithful, NOW. I say "now" because when we first got married he was deployed to Iraq 2 weeks later and it wasn't until his 2nd deployment when he asked me to check his email and I found emails from strange women, nothing too sexual but still calling eachother "sexy" and "hottie", to make things worse he had an ad in Yahoo! Personals listing himself as single and available with him asking "wanna meet me?" along with other mumbo jumbo. This all happened six months after we were married, the lenght of the deployment. His excuse was that all the other guys were doing it and that he just wanted people to talk to. I didn't buy it. I eventually forgave him for the sake of the baby in my belly at the time and having no job, etc. Then a few months after the baby was born I found a condom in his wallet. He said it had been in his wallet since before were married which I know was a lie because I got him a new wallet previously and changed it out for him, never saw a condom. Anyway any advice on how to leave. He always swears up and down that he will change but the lies keep coming. Am I overreacting? Thanks!
Tripper Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 Am I overreacting?Nope! You are not over reacting. From your post, I gather he has a) a gambling problem b) has problems with honesty and c) wants to live his life as if he were single. All this points to him having broken the bond of trust between the two of you. I see you've tried MC and it doesn't seem to be resolving anything. Too bad, but then you have to WANT to change things. People with addictive behaviour rarely confront and deal with the issues until they have a major loss. If he is serious about keeping the M intact then you need to lay down some ground rules as to what are the deal breakers and take a zero tolerance stance. One more "trust breaker", lie or deception and it's over. Yeah it's an ultimatum but if you are already considering leaving then you may be prepared to issue it. Bottom line is that he needs to deal with his issues. And you deserve more than a M that is filled with lies... Good luck to you...
Author dazie11 Posted December 4, 2007 Author Posted December 4, 2007 thanks! I need it. I asked him to get counseling and he said he would but he has yet to make the call.
AHIWON Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 I would make it very clear to him that trust is a very important component in a relationship and if he lies, then trust goes with it. How can you trust someone who lies to you even once? Never mind what he has done over and over. You can get it back as long as he establishes a period where he doesn't lie to you any more and never will again. Trust is right there from the start but as soon as you start doing things to erode it, then it's very hard to regain. How would he feel if you said you spent money on groceries and the baby but blew it on going out with your female friends? Either he gets this straight or you leave him. You can't have any kind of a relationship based on lies. It can't and would never work.
Author dazie11 Posted December 5, 2007 Author Posted December 5, 2007 I told him this was his last chance. He called a counseling office today but no answer, hmmm. Its the kind that the military pays for for the first 6 sessions. I hope he can last I never thought I would end up like this. What the heck!?!? Putting an ad in a matchmaking website should be considered breaking vows right? Even if nothing ever came of it?
BestAdvisor1 Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 Dazie, it seems that you're mentally checking out already based on the title of your post alone. Instead of saying "My H is a liar," you stated "Living with a liar." Do you see the difference. It's almost like you are mentally detaching yourself from your H. Just an observation.
AHIWON Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 I told him this was his last chance. He called a counseling office today but no answer, hmmm. Its the kind that the military pays for for the first 6 sessions. I hope he can last I never thought I would end up like this. What the heck!?!? Putting an ad in a matchmaking website should be considered breaking vows right? Even if nothing ever came of it? I'm sorry but the only intention there could be to fool around with another woman. He is disrespecting your relationship. He doesn't care. Drop this looser like a sack of potatoes. You can do better than that. It's gonna hurt for a while, a long while but you will be a better person because of it. Eventually you will find some one who will appreciate you and some one you can appreciate. They are out there. Just he isn't one of them. You are a good person, don't forget that.
Author dazie11 Posted December 5, 2007 Author Posted December 5, 2007 Dazie, it seems that you're mentally checking out already based on the title of your post alone. Instead of saying "My H is a liar," you stated "Living with a liar." Do you see the difference. It's almost like you are mentally detaching yourself from your H. Just an observation. Good observation. Its probably true. I feel exhausted with this marraige sometimes. Once I learned that he may be thinking of someone else and started lying to me on a regular basis my heart broke and has never really been put back together. My son is my life and the one in my belly will receive just as much love but my H loses a bit of me every time he hurts me. I feel like marrying him was a mistake but I would never regret having these wonderful kids.
what's love Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 I use to be married to a lier as well, but he would lie about paying the house note, feeding the dog stuff that he didnt even need to lie about, we were married for 6 years and together for 11, The only thing that I would have done differently is I would have left much sooner, dont waste any more of your time ( they dont change) it gets worst.. I stayed because of our child as well but the longer you wait the harder its is on the kids. leave while their still young and dont really understand, my child was older 9 and it really messed her up for a while when I LEFT her father. You will be alright keep your head up:)
ARDriver01 Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 I told him this was his last chance. He called a counseling office today but no answer, hmmm. Its the kind that the military pays for for the first 6 sessions. I hope he can last I never thought I would end up like this. What the heck!?!? Putting an ad in a matchmaking website should be considered breaking vows right? Even if nothing ever came of it? I think the MIL pays for six sessions, but the doctor can order more sessions based on your family needs, like, you get another six sessions and another etc... Yeah, online affairs is cheating. He seems to be a chronic liar. My STBX is a huge liar. She would lie with impunity. You can't trust these people, they're toxic and manipulative. They mislead people and that's one of the most insulting things you can do to someone.
Author dazie11 Posted December 8, 2007 Author Posted December 8, 2007 I think the MIL pays for six sessions, but the doctor can order more sessions based on your family needs, like, you get another six sessions and another etc... Yeah, online affairs is cheating. He seems to be a chronic liar. My STBX is a huge liar. She would lie with impunity. You can't trust these people, they're toxic and manipulative. They mislead people and that's one of the most insulting things you can do to someone. Well I suppose I am a little releived I think it is going to take more than six sessions. We are both in the MIL and I am worried about how the process is will work in the situation of us being seperated. I have been doing some research and it seems like such a headache. But I don't think I can wait 2.5 years for my enlistment to be up if he does end up lying again and the counseling in non-effective. Anyone have any dual-military knowledge? Specifically seperation process?
Author dazie11 Posted December 8, 2007 Author Posted December 8, 2007 Well we decided upon a temp. situation. He is going to stay with one of his co-workers on my days off. We'll see how it goes.
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