sadman Posted May 29, 2003 Posted May 29, 2003 My girlfriend and I decided to become engaged last month after three years of dating, I am 27, she is 26. She has been really pushing me to buy her a ring for about a year and I finally felt like it was the right time to take the next step. She seemed really excited about being engaged and we started planning the wedding right away (at her insistence). About a week after we were engaged she went on a trip to a local resort for a conference with her classmates, as soon as she came back I could tell something was different. She started getting phone calls from all of her new friends at school, but would leave the room to talk to them and would never mention anything about their conversations when she came back. Things seemed to get a little better for about a week, but then we had an argument about her getting a job when she wanted to join a dance group that I wasn't very excited about paying for. The night after that argument she went with her friend to a local hospital to try get a job, and ended up staying out until 4 a.m., even though she told me she would be done at midnight. We had a little bit of an argument, I told her that I was worried about her and would appreciate a call if she was going to be that late. She then informed me that she wasn't happy in our relationship and was actually forming feelings for a lesbian classmate. She moved out after that argument and called me this week to say that she felt our engagement was over, she is very depressed and doesn't know why she has no feeling for me anymore. I am worried because she has a difficult past (rape, medical problems) and refused to see a therapist. We were in love for 3 years, I don't understand what happened, how can she just turn off the swith like that? Please let me know what you think.
NEONINK Posted May 29, 2003 Posted May 29, 2003 Better to know now that later! Cheaper too... It doesn't matter that she's confused and not acting right. It doesn't matter that she dealt with sexual violence in the past. It might explain behavior, but it doesn't excuse it. Today is her choice! And she's chosing to be an ass. Let her be, at least my suggestion. This is your happiness as well. It isn't all about her, and she'll figure that out one day. You are a young guy, and in case you hadn't noticed, there are a lot of great ladies out there who don't have emotional baggage to carry around. They would love to meet a wonderful guy like yourself. If you decide to try and carry on this relationship. Counseling, counseling, counseling... You wouldn't want to get stuck 10 years down the road and lose the best part of your life.
Author sadman Posted May 29, 2003 Author Posted May 29, 2003 Thanks for the thoughts, I don't think that I am ready to give up on our relationship yet, although I may have a hard time dealing with her "exploring" her feelings about the lesbian classmate. She just seems like a different person these days and I am left wondering what happened to the girl that I fell in love with. I don't understand how a she can be attracted to a women when she has always expressed disgust toward lesbians in the past. For some reason she is unhappy with her life and has chosen to place all of the blame on me. She is upset that she quit dancing and feels that I pressured her to go to college. She also said that she feels like she doesn't know herself since she has never lived by herself or supported herself. I'm not sure what I can do about these issues. I'm still in shock about her comments, but I want to remain supportive so she knows that I still love her. She says she needs time to herself, but I don't want to disappear so she forgets about me. My life is so tied up in this that I am having a very hard time thinking objectively about anything.
Tony T Posted May 29, 2003 Posted May 29, 2003 YOU ASK: "how can she just turn off the swith like that?" Easy one. Lots of people long to be engaged, married, etc. but when it comes right down to the wire, they are frightened as hell of it for a number of different reasons. You can bet her past, perhaps the rape, has a lot to do with it. If you want to have any hope at all of having a long term relationship with her, see that she gets serious counselling. Things should be fine between the two of you as long as there is no engagement and no marriage. Save those for a time after she has resolved her issues with intimacy.
NEONINK Posted May 29, 2003 Posted May 29, 2003 "I don't understand how a she can be attracted to a women when she has always expressed disgust toward lesbians in the past." Personally, I find many homophobic people wonder deep down about their own sexuality and don't like it one bit, and so they lash out, beat up gays, preach the sins, or otherwise. (Just my little tidbit of unrelated data). Wow... You must be in a great deal of pain for someone of 3 years to do this. I'm very sorry. Honestly, you sound like a wonderful guy! And I don't think this has one thing to do with you or anything you did. It's about her. Time will tell the rest.
Author sadman Posted May 29, 2003 Author Posted May 29, 2003 I would love to go to counseling with her, but she refuses to have anything to do with it. Whenever I bring up the topic of counseling she freaks out and says that I am trying to run her life and that she doesn't want a therapist telling her what to do. I think she knows that she needs help, but I don't know how to convince her. I feel like the only thing that I can do now is to wait for her to decide if she wants anything to do with me. I think she associates counseling and therapy with crazy people, and she is hurt that I think we need counseling. I hate to throw away a relationship that means so much to me, but I am beginning to think that there are some things in this world that I cannot fix and that some people just cannot allow themselves to be happy.
Author sadman Posted May 29, 2003 Author Posted May 29, 2003 The really ironic part about all of this is that I had a close friend who was gay and spent quite a bit of time with me. My girlfriend was very threatened by my relationship with the friend and was absolutely convinced that I would have sex with him. I think that her reaction to my friend is why I am so blown away by her revalations about women.
Tony T Posted May 29, 2003 Posted May 29, 2003 I don't think this is a lady you want to commit a lot of time to. She's got lots of problems. As far as this lesbian thing goes, I've seen women go into and come out of that within months to a year. Many don't start liking females on a permanent basis. But, still, the fact that she is showing truly bizarre behavior clearly indicates she doesn't want anything to do with you romantically and you should move on. If she refuses to go to therapy, she could be very much in denial and her healing could take decades. Don't wait around for that.
NEONINK Posted May 29, 2003 Posted May 29, 2003 If she wants a life in shambles and turmoil, you cannot convince her otherwise. If she so blantantly wants to throw it all away with you, you shouldn't convince yourself otherwise. Sadman can be happyman again. Happiness is a choice I think we make. You might want to seriously consider what type of person you want to be your wife, lover, friend and possible mother of your children.
Author sadman Posted May 29, 2003 Author Posted May 29, 2003 I feel terrible about the possibility of leaving her in such a sad state of affairs. The last time she had a difficult event in her life (her parents divorced & mom tried to kill herself) she went totally off the deep end and ended up drunk for about a year and slept with any guy that would have her. It breaks my heart that this sweet girl, whom I love, would do this to herself, I feel obligated to try and stop this behavior. When I write about this stuff it seems like I am talking about somebody else, and not my ex, she has been so sweet and normal for the past three years, I just don't understand where these crazy bouts come from. All I want is to have her back and to work through these problems together.
NEONINK Posted May 30, 2003 Posted May 30, 2003 Do you deserve a good life or not? Do you want love that blows you away or tears you apart? It is said that you can't change other people, we can only change ourselves.
Author sadman Posted June 3, 2003 Author Posted June 3, 2003 Not much has changed since my last post. I called her on Friday night to say hi, she was really drunk and told me to leave her alone because she is gay. I just can't bring myself to believe that she has come to the conclusion that she is gay, all on the advice of a girl who wants to sleep with her. She called me back on Monday morning like nothing had happened, she went to the doctor and has walking pneumonia and wanted to tell me about it. I can't figure out why she yells at me when I call, and then keeps calling me for no apparent reason. I still love her and want her back, but this stuff is tearing me apart. I'm sure a lot of her behavior has to do with being really depressed and confused, I want to help, but don't know how long I can take the abuse and heartache.
NEONINK Posted June 4, 2003 Posted June 4, 2003 Gosh sadman... I cannot understand either. Telling you she's gay, might be here way of hurting your manhood. Has she hurt you a lot in this relationship? Has she said a lot of mean things to you? You are just too nice for this girl. I hope you don't think you can't find someone else? Let me tell you, there's a lot of women out there. Find your passion for living and you will find your passion for love. I'll let you in on a secret. Sometimes God does for us what we cannot do for ourselves. I'll bet this relationship was mediocre. And you are a loyal person. I'm guessing, you weren't really as happy in this relationship as you think. This all happened for a reason. Accept her insane behavior as a sign of things to come. Accept that she has hurt you, but you will survive and thrive and be happy. Living on a rollercoaster just makes us sick.
Author sadman Posted June 12, 2003 Author Posted June 12, 2003 I've been reading about borderline personality disorder (on the advice of a psychiatrist friend) and the symptoms seem to really fit my ex's behavior. I know that I don't want to live with a borderline person, but I would like some advice on how to encourage her to get into therapy. I hate to see her continue with this self-destructive behavior, but I don't know how to bring up the subject w/o her getting really mad at me. Any advice?
NEONINK Posted June 13, 2003 Posted June 13, 2003 She's doing what she's doing for her own reasons. Not yours. Only she can take care of herself now. Once you have healed and moved on, I personally think you will make a good friend to her (or at least a supportive ear). However, your concern should be about you, not her. You can't make her do anything, you can't change her, you can't 'make her see the light'. I wish we could change other people, but God gave everybody freewill. I'm sure he would like to change a few people, but that freewill thing just keeps getting in the way. Just tell her, "Get some help", as you walk away. She'll get the point. We can want love to no end, but we don't get to decide who is going to be the one to return that love.
Cpunch75 Posted June 21, 2003 Posted June 21, 2003 Sadman, change your name to happyman:) do it......that's step one Stop taking it personally. You are blaming yourself for this and beating yourself up. Don't assume the outcome of what's to happen, you have no clue what's going on in her head. Ask yourself, ask a destiny oriented question, is this woman that important in my life? is she worth my feeling this lousy and hurt? if yes then you are saying to yourself, "I deserve this" you don't deserve it.....cut your losses. Let her go, her world is so messed up that she can't see what a great guy you are. Get your hair cut, call your friends, go out and get her out of your head. Stop analyzing everything- you will go Crazy I guarantee it. Cpunch
Author sadman Posted June 23, 2003 Author Posted June 23, 2003 I totally agree with your advice in this matter. It has been really difficult for me to let go, but I know that I have to. I've been feeling sorry for myself for the last month and now it is time to move on. She called me this morning to ask a favor and I actually had the guts to tell her no and not to call me anymore. I realize now that trying to continue a relationship with my ex would be about the same as slamming my head against a brick wall, which is not something I really want to do. Thanks for the support everyone.
ding Posted June 23, 2003 Posted June 23, 2003 Cpunch is right. Get a haircut, focus on making yourself feel better about yourself, everything stems from that. And as an atheist (well - just a non-denominational sort of type) I appreciate a person who spells God with a capital G. Spell "sadman" with a capital S why don't you. You can spend your whole life feeling sorry for yourself but then noone will ever want you. You have to focus on fostering your own personal inner-strength, whether you're in the relationship or out. "A woman needs to be told that she's both attractive and desirable or else she ceases to be either" - ripped from some old French movie I think, but as a (heterosexual) man noone's going to tell you that, you have to convince yourself of it. It's a bit of an ongoing exercise. When you wake up tomorrow you have to look yourself in the mirror and say twenty times "I'm a good guy, I'm not bad looking and I can make the world a better place" and then your world WILL become a better place. Damn now I'm starting to sound like Tony Robbins, but it's all common sense really. And as for this gay/hetero thing it's all a load of cr4p. Fact of the matter is everyone's somewhere inbetween, it's just that most people cling to the edges, mostly out of desperation to forge some type of self-identity. That's one wonky Bell curve. cb --
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