schweetpea Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 Hi all. I am new here and have to get this off my chest. Sorry to any/all I may offend. I am a cheater. I realize that what I did was hurtful and wrong, however, I am extremely tired of hearing about how wrong I was from my ex. I cheated, I wanted too, I enjoyed it and I'm sorry for it at the same time. I don't want to be back with my ex and he harasses me daily. Is there anyone out there who can relate to this? I was married for 2 years to this man and before that we dated for 6 years. We share a child. I am just so frustrated by the whole situation because I have no one to talk to who can really relate to it. It seems I run into people who have been cheated on, but never the cheaters. I know it sounds selfish and all but cheaters need to vent too. We have feelings too!!!
whichwayisup Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 I'm honestly not sure what you're looking for? You are not with your spouse anymore, correct? All I can say is, make peace with him as you two still need to co-parent together because of the child you two share. I hope you both are keeping the resentment and anger away from your kid.
Author schweetpea Posted November 30, 2007 Author Posted November 30, 2007 Thanks for the reply. I'm basically looking for someone to talk to who has been in a similar situation. We are co-parenting quite well I believe.
yadid Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 There is something broken in you that will impact every relationship you have, including your relationship with your child. You put the emotional well being of your child on the table as you were "enjoying" being a cheater. Your child has to form some kind of respect for you as they grow and thats going to be more difficult now. The story of your infidelity will be a reality in your childs life, whether you believe it or not. I grew up like this. The healthy path would have been to leave your husband before breaking your vows. Find a good IC and get to work.
Mr. Lucky Posted December 1, 2007 Posted December 1, 2007 I am extremely tired of hearing about how wrong I was from my ex. I cheated, I wanted too, I enjoyed it and I'm sorry for it at the same time. Is it possible that your lack of remorse denies your ex the closure he needs? He may still be focused on the "I wanted to, I enjoyed it" part... Mr. Lucky
KenzieAbsolutely Posted December 1, 2007 Posted December 1, 2007 There is something broken in you that will impact every relationship you have... um, excuse me? and who the hell are you to say something like that to someone you don't know? i've also cheated before, in the past. i'm not sorry for it either, whatever guilt i might have had at the time is over, because that time is over, and normal people move on. the relationship i am in now and have been in for many years has never been put in that situation. good grief. i think there's something 'broken' in your brain. to the original poster, you don't have anything broken in you, don't take to heart the words of someone who has obviously been burnedz badly and thinks the cause of that is everyone but him/herself.
FearNoMore Posted December 1, 2007 Posted December 1, 2007 I was cheated on so I can't relate to what you're going through. I have a child with my ex-hubby and we are co-parenting. I do not harass him but after I found out about his affair, his other woman harassed and pursued him to leave me. He didn't but finally we decided to end the marriage as I can't be with him anymore.
bish Posted December 1, 2007 Posted December 1, 2007 Hi all. I am new here and have to get this off my chest. Sorry to any/all I may offend. I am a cheater. I realize that what I did was hurtful and wrong, however, I am extremely tired of hearing about how wrong I was from my ex. I cheated, I wanted too, I enjoyed it and I'm sorry for it at the same time. I don't want to be back with my ex and he harasses me daily. Is there anyone out there who can relate to this? I was married for 2 years to this man and before that we dated for 6 years. We share a child. I am just so frustrated by the whole situation because I have no one to talk to who can really relate to it. It seems I run into people who have been cheated on, but never the cheaters. I know it sounds selfish and all but cheaters need to vent too. We have feelings too!!! Look at it this way...you did your husband a favor. Now he can go out and find someone decent...someone who isn't selfish.
bish Posted December 1, 2007 Posted December 1, 2007 I was cheated on so I can't relate to what you're going through. I have a child with my ex-hubby and we are co-parenting. I do not harass him but after I found out about his affair, his other woman harassed and pursued him to leave me. He didn't but finally we decided to end the marriage as I can't be with him anymore. Good for you...nobody should have to settle being with a cheater.
Chrome Barracuda Posted December 1, 2007 Posted December 1, 2007 Doesnt anyone understand remosrse anymore Bish? Or is every man or woman who comes onto these boards that damn selfish??? I mean whatever happened to loving your spouse or SO to a degree to not hurt them through your actions? I bet you would have been sorry if you cheated and caught HIV, I bet all your asses would have been sorry then.
FearNoMore Posted December 1, 2007 Posted December 1, 2007 Some wrong-doers do not have the feeling of remorse, some do. I forgave my ex-hubby for what he did to me but I can't forgive the other woman for not being a woman enough to come up to me and tell me it was her that caused the wreckage.
JustBreathe Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 Well since you're divorced, no matter how you feel about what you did, whether you feel bad or not or whatever, he does not have a right to intrude upon your life anymore or harass you in any way. You have a right to a peaceful life despite what you may have contributed or not contributed to the demise of your marriage. You divorce because you don't want to be married to that person anymore. Your ties to him are severed. How long has it been since your divorce? Maybe he is still adjusting. Maybe he still hurt alot over it. What does he do that you feel is harrasment? Does he call you names? What?
KenzieAbsolutely Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 Well since you're divorced, no matter how you feel about what you did, whether you feel bad or not or whatever, he does not have a right to intrude upon your life anymore or harass you in any way. You have a right to a peaceful life despite what you may have contributed or not contributed to the demise of your marriage. You divorce because you don't want to be married to that person anymore. Your ties to him are severed. exactly. he needs to man up and get over it. it's not like you're trying to work things out, so he has no right to keep bringing this up. it's over. you've dealt with it, and he needs to deal with it. i'm sure it hurt him a lot, but now that you're not together, he needs to suck it up and handle it on his own. it's not your responsibility to make it better for him.
bish Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 exactly. he needs to man up and get over it. it's not like you're trying to work things out, so he has no right to keep bringing this up. it's over. you've dealt with it, and he needs to deal with it. i'm sure it hurt him a lot, but now that you're not together, he needs to suck it up and handle it on his own. it's not your responsibility to make it better for him. thats right...he needs to realize that she is not worth his time.
JustBreathe Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 Whoa there, I never meant to imply that he should "man up". I'd never be so flippant about something so hurtful. I have been there myself and know how deeply he must hurt. Recovery from this is brutal. It takes years. All I was saying is that whether she cares for him or not is irrelevant. Their marriage is over. The only ties they have to each other is their baby. He shouldn't be calling her or harassing her. Oftentimes, though, it seems that any anger from the betrayed party is viewed by the betrayer as harassment. They don't like dealing with the hurt and anger on the part of the betrayed. I was wondering what he did that she should consider it harassment. She said he's harassing her. If he's angry when he talks to her, or short tempered, well, quite frankly, what does she expect? Of course he's going to feel that way after the graceless way their marriage ended. But if he's screaming at her, calling her names, calling her constantly, threatening her, showing up at her house, well, stuff that is true harassment, then he needs to stop it. I hope I"m more clear now. "Man up" implies he needs to be a man. He IS a man. He has just been wounded to his core.
KenzieAbsolutely Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 thats right...he needs to realize that she is not worth his time. i agree, he does need to realize that, and not because she isn't human, but because it isn't worth his time to obsess over something that is finished, over and done with. time to move on. Whoa there, I never meant to imply that he should "man up". All I was saying is that whether she cares for him or not is irrelevant. Their marriage is over. The only ties they have to each other is their baby. He shouldn't be calling her or harassing her. But if he's screaming at her, calling her names, calling her constantly, threatening her, showing up at her house, well, stuff that is true harassment, then he needs to stop it. I hope I"m more clear now. "Man up" implies he needs to be a man. He IS a man. He has just been wounded to his core. i don't think i meant that the way you thought. i am not saying he isn't a man. i am saying he should act like a man, or any grown up, rather, and accept that it's over and move on. and yes, he especially should do this if he is harassing her in the way you describe, or in any way, really.
White Flower Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 thats right...he needs to realize that she is not worth his time. She already gave him his freedom. Why do you need to rub it in so much? Don't you wonder if maybe he was drug addict, a wife-beater, a total loser? You don't know her story. She may have been very worth it. That may be the reason he has a hard time letting go.
White Flower Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 Doesnt anyone understand remosrse anymore Bish? Or is every man or woman who comes onto these boards that damn selfish??? I mean whatever happened to loving your spouse or SO to a degree to not hurt them through your actions? I bet you would have been sorry if you cheated and caught HIV, I bet all your asses would have been sorry then. Have you been cheated on Chrome? You seem awfully angry on these boards. It just amazes me that people jump on and harrass the OP when they do not know their entire story. Let's wait and see before we judge. If you were cheated on, then I'm sorry for your pain.
michaelk Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 First off, welcome to LS. Like you, I'm a cheater. You'll find some helpful voices here, as well as some that just want to vent. Both are beneficial uses of the board, although as a cheater sometimes the venting will be directed at you. I'm sure you've realized that already. Most likely the reason you don't run into other cheaters is the stigma that's attached to being a wayward spouse. Even here, where we're all anonymous, you won't find many cheaters openly talking about their experiences. So I'm not surprised that you've had a hard time finding someone to commiserate with. Even I can't completely relate to your situation, because I stayed with my family. I don't know what it's like to have a spouse who continually reminds me of how wrong I was, because my wife and I have largely left our past failures in the past, and are now focusing on the present. I do know what it's like to have both enjoyed the affair and felt regret for it. The OW provided something that had been missing all my life, and I don't regret having found that. But the hurt I caused my wife was incredible, and though I blinded myself to it at the time, I now regret having put her through that. So my feelings on the whole thing are oddly contradictory. Anyway, I wish you the best in coping with this post-affair, post-marriage period in your life. Best Wishes, MK
luvmy2ns Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 There's just something about her demeanor in that first post that says to me "serial cheater." I could certainly be wrong, but that's just my take on this thread.
cj1988 Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 Michael, you never said before that the OW gave you something you have never had in your life before, what was that?????
Chrome Barracuda Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 Have you been cheated on Chrome? You seem awfully angry on these boards. It just amazes me that people jump on and harrass the OP when they do not know their entire story. Let's wait and see before we judge. If you were cheated on, then I'm sorry for your pain. Was I cheated on? Yes, I was left, dumped, lied to, verbally abused, and emotionally damaged by alot of women who appeared to be the greatest things in the world, I was young and saw no red flags, and although at the time I believed that human beings could do no harm and I believed that if I treated a woman good, they would do the same. I was dead wrong. Now I have little tolerance for serial cheaters. I'm not the same gullible young guy that was stomped on like a doormat a long time ago. I'm not angry, per se, just pissed off to see how human beings could treat others with such disreguard. Treat themselves so selfishly without consequences of their actions. I'm just here to point out the hypocrisy of it all. I dont want any man or woman to be a doormat for anybody their with, especially if theyre doing everything right and yet they still get treated like garbage. It's not right and I'm just here to say that. It's not judgement or bashing or condemnation, it's the damn truth! And White Flower ever since In took control of my own destiny I am not in any pain anymore! lol.
NoIDidn't Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 Maybe the fact that he still has to deal with schweetie on some level (the child) it causes him to be angry still. If they are co-parenting well, then maybe she should say something to him about it. It is very likely that he is saying the same within earshot of the child to anyone that will listen. Either way, he needs to accept that it happened and stop trying to hurt her by constantly bringing it up in the most derogatory of ways.
Chrome Barracuda Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 Maybe the fact that he still has to deal with schweetie on some level (the child) it causes him to be angry still. If they are co-parenting well, then maybe she should say something to him about it. It is very likely that he is saying the same within earshot of the child to anyone that will listen. Either way, he needs to accept that it happened and stop trying to hurt her by constantly bringing it up in the most derogatory of ways. You need to understand that he's going through alot of pain. He probably wanted to make a family for the kid and the woman wanted to be a single mother by choice! He's probably still angry that he has to be a part time father instead of a full time dad. The memory of a family of a wife and mother and a child was ripped away from him. It's gonna take a minute for him to not get over it! but get through it!! Please dont be so callous in ignoring his pain. No man who wants to have a family likes to have it so easily destroyed. You know how many men out here leave their children fatherless, treat their loved ones like garbage? Dont pay any child support? C'mon this guys still working through his issues. They'll come a day when he wont care anymore and he'll find someone else, and forgive the OP. Also why dont the OP ask the kid if that's what they wanted for their future to be shipped around like a piece of meat? To be put somewhere every weekend? Trust me all that crap about the kid will adjust is bullsh**!!! Take it from a child of divorce and abuse and seperation my childhood was abosulte hell, so sorry for a man who probably wanted to make his child's life better...
NoIDidn't Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 Chrome, I am not negating his pain at all. Simply put. Pain or not, he cannot continue to take it out verbally on her. It is not conducive to his healing. Sometimes things have to be done for the betrayer too. It does not seem that she cares about his pain, but that's not the issue. They divorced. It is in his best interests to stop rehashing it every time he sees her. Its hampering his healing, if he even wants it. Not a child of divorce, but was definitely abandoned by dad for a minute. I hurt for years over it. But its over now. I am an adult. I don't have to let his poor choices define me. And that is what her ex seems to be doing. Letting her A color the rest of his life. There is nothing to be gained from that. Unless he is just trying to make himself look better. Without more info from the OP, we really have no idea as to the character of her ex. Sure, she comes across as callous, but maybe she is tired of the putdowns. Just because she cheated doesn't make her unrespectable (especially if she is good enough to be a co-parent). There may be other aspects of her character to do so, but I am just not willing to go there when she is asking about his actions that he is still doing - not hers that have presumably stopped. He is only hurting himself - and anyone that has to listen to him.
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