How do I make her "go away" faster?

[NoIDidn't]

Mam, his wife tricked my mm by telling him she was on birth control pills. I've met her a few times as I'm sort of a friend of the family. She always boasted about wanting a large family. I'm just trying to tell my MM to be careful and maybe refrain from sex with her altogether as she's trying to trap him into more responsibilities. I honestly can't even invision them having any type of sexual relations as it makes me want to vomit. He said it's been relatively dry in that department since the birth of their last child. I hope that has some form of honesty to it.

 

I am about to have my fourth child. Totally unplanned. I can imagine my H telling someone that he didn't want all these children either. And he wouldn't be lying. But I doubt very seriously he could blame me when he willing supplied the seed. I can understand things being a little dry since the fourth child. Dealing with that many children is challenging, demanding, and extremely tiring.

 

But, maybe she did lie. That happens in marriages too. But your telling him to refrain from having sex with his W sounds a little self-serving. Actually a lot self-serving. But, I am sure you would know any ulterior motives you may have.

 

Be forewarned. As a "sort of family friend", you will practically be guaranteed to be hated by the family and the rest of the friends if this R ever went public.

 

And as far as her trapping him, why do YOU want to have his child? Do you think he will feel all paternal towards your child more than to the ones he already has "legitimately" within his M? That usually doesn't happen. He will more than likely feel even more trapped, but this time see that his other kids (his family, in his mind most likely) are now being threatened.

 

But don't take my word for it.

[twistedapart1]

I am about to have my fourth child. Totally unplanned. I can imagine my H telling someone that he didn't want all these children either. And he wouldn't be lying. But I doubt very seriously he could blame me when he willing supplied the seed. I can understand things being a little dry since the fourth child. Dealing with that many children is challenging, demanding, and extremely tiring.

 

But, maybe she did lie. That happens in marriages too. But your telling him to refrain from having sex with his W sounds a little self-serving. Actually a lot self-serving. But, I am sure you would know any ulterior motives you may have.

 

Be forewarned. As a "sort of family friend", you will practically be guaranteed to be hated by the family and the rest of the friends if this R ever went public.

 

And as far as her trapping him, why do YOU want to have his child? Do you think he will feel all paternal towards your child more than to the ones he already has "legitimately" within his M? That usually doesn't happen. He will more than likely feel even more trapped, but this time see that his other kids (his family, in his mind most likely) are now being threatened.

 

But don't take my word for it.

 

 

Congrats on the pregnancy!

[mopar crazy]

If she is honestly abusing those children someone needs to call the CPS, NOW! However, I do think he is full of sh@t just trying to make himself look like the better person in this mess.

[norajane]

What is in the best interests for the children you ask? For starters, being away from the harmful hands of the mother. This last weekend, he alluded to the possibility that those children are being harmed when he is at work. Bruise marks and some even around the throat. That is not a good sign if she cannot handle her frustrations and takes it out on the kids.

 

Uh-huh.

 

If he were so worried about abuse, don't you think he'd be spending far more time at home with his kids to make sure they aren't being harmed, to make sure he understands what is happening?

 

If he, even for a moment, thought his wife was harming his children, don't you think he'd do something about it instead of "alluding" to you that his wife might be harming them? Or do you think he doesn't care so much if his kids are being abused, so it's your job to do something?

 

Don't you think it's a little odd that she'd be abusing the children she "tricked" him into having?

 

He's a LIAR. Haven't you considered he could be lying to you?

[Owl]

Nora-

 

Thanks...that's exactly the question I was going to pose to twisted as well.

 

Twisted- Its pretty much garaunteed he's lying to you to get what he wants...sex. PERIOD. He's saying whatever he can to make himself seem not to be the bad guy here...which he clearly is. As Nora and others stated...if her were a good guy, wouldn't he be at home trying to protect his kids himself, rather than out fantasizing about getting you pregnant? THINK ABOUT IT.

 

If you're really worried about his kids...go ahead and call CPS. AND...consider removing yourself from the equation. So that he can focus his time and attention on his kids and his marriage, rather than you. You are a detractor to the situation...in no way does your presence help the kids. He's spending time and effort in his relationship with you...which is time and effort that he should actually be spending on them, and his wife.

 

What dirt are you thinking that you can dig up on his wife, and what good do you really think its going to do? What would you do with anything you found? Tell him? What are the odds he already knows anything potentially bad about her? Who else would you tell to help break up the marriage?

 

And, think about what will happen when/if you do 'share' any of that information. People will look at the source...someone who's sleeping with this woman's husband. Your motives will be suspect (and honestly, your motives are NOT altruistic or selfless here), and the odds are high that it would all come back on you, not her.

 

Perhaps you'd be serving this family that you're a "friend of" better by ending the affair, rather than by trying to break the family apart?

[stillafool]

Mam, his wife tricked my mm by telling him she was on birth control pills.

 

Mam, c'mon you don't really believe that do you. She's his W and I can bet you anything he wanted her to get pregnant and start a family. Wake up!

 

I've met her a few times as I'm sort of a friend of the family.

 

Lord please save us all from "friends of the family".

 

 

She always boasted about wanting a large family.

 

That is her perogative as this is her husband and their family!

 

I'm just trying to tell my MM to be careful and maybe refrain from sex with her altogether as she's trying to trap him into more responsibilities.

 

You'd be wasting your breath by telling him not to have sex with his wife because that is not going to happen and he probably tells her he wants her to get pregnant during sex because saying those type of things turns him on and makes him feel powerful.

 

I honestly can't even envision them having any type of sexual relations as it makes me want to vomit. He said it's been relatively dry in that department since the birth of their last child. I hope that has some form of honesty to it.

 

Please don't believe this lie. They are having sex and often.

[JamesM]

I honestly can't even envision them having any type of sexual relations as it makes me want to vomit. He said it's been relatively dry in that department since the birth of their last child. I hope that has some form of honesty to it.

 

Sex is still happening whenever HE can get it. So, envision it.

 

And the one word that caught my attention is "relatively." As I have read here, the amount of sex a couple has is relative. For instance, I think we are relatively dry, because we have sex once a month. But other guys here have complained because they have not been getting sex every DAY.

 

Your MM could still be having sex every week or more, but if it is less than what he has had in the past, then he is being honest with you. It IS relatively dry, but he is still having quite a bit if sex with her.

 

I highly doubt that the level of honesty that you think you have with him is as great as you think it is.

[luvmy2ns]

Since I'm with him almost every night and his wife has four kids to tend to. uh, yeah.

If he's leaving her alone every night to tend THEIR children by herself, she would have a right to be bitchy, if she indeed is as HE claims. Yeah. He's quite a gem. Better snap that one up quick. LMAO

[EnigmasMuse]

He sounds like such a winner.

[whichwayisup]

This last weekend, he alluded to the possibility that those children are being harmed when he is at work. Bruise marks and some even around the throat. That is not a good sign if she cannot handle her frustrations and takes it out on the kids.

 

Now, IF this is actually happening, why hasn't your MM taken the kids away from their mother? Why hasn't he involved the police, or checked her into a psych ward for an evaluation? Gotten her therapy? Something is very wrong here, either your MM is lying to you, or this is actually going on and he's sitting on his selfish @ss doing nothing to protect his own flesh and blood.

[whichwayisup]

That is not a good sign if she cannot handle her frustrations and takes it out on the kids.

 

And you knowing this makes no difference as you are the one who wants to send her a sex tape of you f*cking her husband. Yeah, how the heck is that going to help her, let alone her children IF she is actually abusing them?

[twistedapart1]

And you knowing this makes no difference as you are the one who wants to send her a sex tape of you f*cking her husband. Yeah, how the heck is that going to help her, let alone her children IF she is actually abusing them?

 

 

When on here did I say I was going to send a sex tape to her? OTHER people suggested it.

 

FYI, I would never send something that special to anyone. It's not meant to be shared. We make love.

And it wouldn't matter anyways. She is so desperate and needy and plain dumpy, that I don't think anything will get her to leave him. I'm working from other angles.

[JamesM]

 

FYI, I would never send something that special to anyone. It's not meant to be shared. We make love.

And it wouldn't matter anyways. She is so desperate and needy and plain dumpy, that I don't think anything will get her to leave him. I'm working from other angles.

 

With all due respect, his wife thinks they are/were making love, too.

 

And remember...one day you may be the wife. Are you 100% certain he would not cheat on you?

 

As for her being needy and plain dumpy, what makes you think you will be any different after having birthed him four children?

 

She is desperate? Come on...she believed him when he said he would be faithful to her. At this point, she is still upholding her end of the vow because she loves him or because she still has hope that her family will stay together.

 

And just how admirable is your MM if he is leaving his allegedly abusive wife with HIS four children while he forsakes his commitment to his wife and his children? Is THIS the kind of man you want to start a family with...as you state in another thread?

 

Really, I am not trying to be harsh, but sometimes we need to see our situation from an objective POV when we are subjectively in it.

 

My suggestion to you is to pull back from him until he has his mess at home straightened out. Then you can begin a family with him...if that is the direction you want to go.

 

And with what angles are you using to break this family apart? I know, you think they are already broken apart...can you wait just a little bit longer until he is divorced...rather than trying to be the one who finishes the job?

[twistedapart1]

With all due respect, his wife thinks they are/were making love, too.

 

And remember...one day you may be the wife. Are you 100% certain he would not cheat on you?

 

As for her being needy and plain dumpy, what makes you think you will be any different after having birthed him four children?

 

She is desperate? Come on...she believed him when he said he would be faithful to her. At this point, she is still upholding her end of the vow because she loves him or because she still has hope that her family will stay together.

 

And just how admirable is your MM if he is leaving his allegedly abusive wife with HIS four children while he forsakes his commitment to his wife and his children? Is THIS the kind of man you want to start a family with...as you state in another thread?

 

Really, I am not trying to be harsh, but sometimes we need to see our situation from an objective POV when we are subjectively in it.

 

My suggestion to you is to pull back from him until he has his mess at home straightened out. Then you can begin a family with him...if that is the direction you want to go.

 

I think she's just too reliant on him monetarily. She's a housewife. She has four kids to think of. I've seen the way she treats him. I cannot even grasp the idea that there is love still in that sham of a marriage.

[JamesM]

I think she's just too reliant on him monetarily.

 

You would be, too, if you chose to stay home with four children. And if you married a man who wanted a family with you, then I think you expect the commitment not only financially but also sexually and emotionally.

 

She's a housewife.

 

Ouch. Yes, she has chosen to be the one who stays home and parent the children. Seems her husband chooses to work and stay out with other women.

 

She has four kids to think of.

 

Yes, she does. And it sounds like she does it alone. I have no respect for a man who cannot be there as often as possible for his children. Personally, I am home about 350 out of 365 nights a year to put my children to bed. And most of those evenings, I have been home longer than just bedtime. While he may have reasons to break his commitment to his wife (no excuses are good excuses, and I am not saying he has good reason), there is absolutely no reason to ruin his children's lives simply because he no longer loves their mother.

 

I've seen the way she treats him.

 

This goes both ways. How does he treat her? Who began the mistreatment first? I know you will side with him, but there really is two sides. Marriages take work....from BOTH partners. Just because one gets treated poorly gives no reason to the other to begin an affair. At this point, it is with good reason that he is treated poorly.

 

A real man honors his commitments.

 

I cannot even grasp the idea that there is love still in that sham of a marriage.

 

And another observation from the outside looking in. I highly doubt that you would want to imagine that there is love. Can you imagine if he is lying to both of you? I am guessing that he is getting something out of this sham of a marriage (as you call it), or else he is thinking that he may still have hopes for his marriage.

 

I am a MM who has had some rough times in my marriage. I have a wife who at one time told me she never wanted sex again. She was talking separate beds...at age 41! I do not fault him for cheating on his wife (but I do not certainly think it is right). However, when I read about his wife supposedly mistreating his children while he is gallivanting around town with you, then my blood boils. As a father, he does need to parent his children. If what he says is true, then you as a prospective wife and mother need to tell him to clean up his mess at home before even thinking of starting a new family. And as a MM who decided that I could either divorce my wife and ruin my family or choose to "fix" my wife and save the family, I chose first to spend a few years to save the family. Amazingly enough, it only took a few months.

 

So, if his wife is mistreating his children, then he can at least take a few weeks to straighten this all out, divorce her, and begin a new family with you....IF he is living in a sham of a marriage.

 

Just another perspective...hopefully to get you to look at life a little differently. While some comments may seem harsh, none are meant maliciously.

[stillafool]

Beautiful post JamesM!:bunny:

[Owl]

Twisted-

 

You mentioned earlier that you're "something of a friend of the family". Do you think that the wife considers you as a friend? Do you consider her one?

[OWoman]

You would be, too, if you chose to stay home with four children.

 

Not everyone has the luxury of choice in the matter. Some stay home because they have to; some go out to work because they have to. Assuming that someone is "lazy" because they don't work outside the house, or that they're less of a parent because they do, and judging people based on those assumptions is not constructive. Dependence and independence are complex concepts, and the financial aspect is only one part of that. Twisted - I'm not challenging your perception of the situation, but I am challenging the basis for it, if the evidence you've provided is all there is to it.

[OWoman]

there are a lot of reasons for low sex drives in people. Some of them are medical.

 

Bent - a low sex drive may or may not be a problem at all in a relationship. It depends on what the expectations are on both sides, and whether the parties involved are prepared to work towards resolving it if it is a problem. I know of some Rs where sex once a week is deemed too little; others where it is deemed too much; some where once a month is expecting a lot; and others where once a day is not enough. These things change over time, due to individual factors and relationship factors, and I suspect very seldom change in perfect synch, so unless there's good communication it's very easy for things to get strained in that area.

[White Flower]

Staying home and taking care of children is the most difficult job in the world. Sure, working full time can be intellectually stimulating and socially rewarding; or shopping full time can be glamorous. I don't know where you fit in, but anyone who stays home full time is making the biggest sacrifice a human being can make. H thinks she is sitting on her a$$ eating bon bons and watching Oprah when really she is psychaitrist, doctor, maid, chef, secretary, chauffer and personal nanny all for who? HIS 4 children and HIM. That's who. And her body was ruined in the process. Another thing he needs to worship her for. It's sad that she did that for him so he could turn around and worship your little body instead.

[norajane]

Staying home and taking care of children is the most difficult job in the world. Sure, working full time can be intellectually stimulating and socially rewarding; or shopping full time can be glamorous. I don't know where you fit in, but anyone who stays home full time is making the biggest sacrifice a human being can make. H thinks she is sitting on her a$$ eating bon bons and watching Oprah when really she is psychaitrist, doctor, maid, chef, secretary, chauffer and personal nanny all for who? HIS 4 children and HIM. That's who. And her body was ruined in the process. Another thing he needs to worship her for. It's sad that she did that for him so he could turn around and worship your little body instead.

 

And that's all he's going to with Twisted. That's all he needs her for - his wife is taking care of his children, the house, everything else. So if Twisted is expecting him to trade in his wife in order to re-create the exact same thing he already has...a wife and children...with Twisted, she's fooling herself.

[OWoman]

And that's all he's going to with Twisted. That's all he needs her for - his wife is taking care of his children, the house, everything else. So if Twisted is expecting him to trade in his wife in order to re-create the exact same thing he already has...a wife and children...with Twisted, she's fooling herself.

 

Oh nj I so wish that was universally true! I can't tell you the number of MM I've been involved with under the assumption that our A was just for sex, and all the rest he'd sort at home... only to discover down the track that he really didn't mean that when he said it, and he really just wants to breed and domesticate me and spawn another little dynasty to feed his genetic ego! It's like a computer that can run only one programme, some of them...

 

Twisted had better hope he's only in it for the sex with her. He doesn't have a great track record of finishing what he starts on the family front - and yes, people can change and yes, not everyone is the same in every situation and perhaps with Twisted and their spawn he'd be different, but on the evidence she's provided in her posts I find little to reassure me that that might be the case.

[OWoman]

Staying home and taking care of children is the most difficult job in the world.

 

 

I'll say. Totally unrewarding, low status, completely isolating, no stimulation, and the pay really sucks! I was chewing my arm off after a couple of months and couldn't get back to work fast enough. I have enormous respect for anyone - mother or father - that would agree to subject themselves to that, or that get on and do that out of necessity not even having CHOSEN it. Like the guys who clear the drains or empty rubbish bins for a living - true heroes!

[NoIDidn't]

I'll say. Totally unrewarding, low status, completely isolating, no stimulation, and the pay really sucks! I was chewing my arm off after a couple of months and couldn't get back to work fast enough. I have enormous respect for anyone - mother or father - that would agree to subject themselves to that, or that get on and do that out of necessity not even having CHOSEN it. Like the guys who clear the drains or empty rubbish bins for a living - true heroes!

 

 

Thanks, OWoman. Some days I really need to hear something like this. You are so right about how isolating it is.

 

But at least I DO get the "school day" breaks!! LOL.

[White Flower]

Bravo! I stayed home for about 11 or 12 years. Due to Mr. Messy Pants job, traveling at a moments notice, I had no choice. I lived in a city where I didn't know anyone. I had no family support, he didn't want them in day care and he didn't even want them riding the school bus. So until my youngest went to school full time I was at their disposal. And then I got a job in the school system so that I could take them to school and pick them up. I gave up income, advancement in my chosen career and social interaction, because it is what we decided was best for the kids.

 

After he decided to cheat, he took money hide it and starting telling me to get a "real" job that paid something. I never was lazy, stupid, slow or a beast. MOTHERING IS A JOB THAT WILL NEVER BE RECOGNIZED AS VALUABLE OR HARD. My hat is off to any parent who chooses to do it full time.

I chose a low paying stay at home business for 17 years so that I could be home with me kids. There was no glory in it as far as anyone else was concerned, but it was everything to me.

 

If Twisted wants to enjoy this man while his W babysits those kids for him, she could at least be grateful and respect her for it. His wife could just drop all four of them off at her doorstep and say, "Here, I need a break", right before that bottle of champagne was supposed to pop open.