twistedapart Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 My mm really needs help. I don't know what's wrong but his life is completely deteriorating at home and I comfort and console him as much as I can with plenty of sex, soft music, cuddling, and nice words. But it appears that a divorce is inevitable here. He said that sex is not all that with her anymore since the kids and she has completely let her appearance go. Along with that, she is very nasty. I have met her a few times and have to say her inside is just as bad as her outside. Now, I am wondering if there is any advice on how to speed up the process of my mm breaking things off. He clearly is clinging onto her because of their dependence on one another and due to the children. They are very unhappy. I don't think it would take too much twisting of the knife to get things finalized. So where do I go from here? I have to admit that I am very much a "catch", but right now it is not enough. I need to figure out what more to do here. Btw, we are co-workers!
TerryTeardrop Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 its ok because you are such 'a catch' he will just magically be yours Dont fret young child!
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 There is nothing you can do to make her 'go away'. I'm not sure why you think there would be.
Tripper Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 You may want to read some of the posts on this site regarding statistics about how often a MM leaves the W for the OW.
Author twistedapart Posted November 30, 2007 Author Posted November 30, 2007 close to 60% divorce stats.. no mm never leave their wives!
sarme Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 Dissapear from his life 100% that should kick things into fast gear either way. My guess is though nothing will change in the homefront, he is using you for support as an escape from his problems but seems clear that he won't leave so why would you waste your time making it his homelife more bearable?
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 close to 60% divorce stats.. no mm never leave their wives! These are men who would divorce regardless of whether or not an OW was in the picture. Oh, and it includes wives who divorce their husbands as well. The ones who actually divorce for their OW, and remain in a committed relationship with that OW for more than five years? Less than 3%.
Author twistedapart Posted November 30, 2007 Author Posted November 30, 2007 You are right. Last time I played hard to get and stopped accepting his call for about three days, he went crazy. That was the week he and his wife got into a huge fight that resulted in the police at his doorstep. Since he no longer has sex with the wife, unless she gets desperate and practically begs like a pathetic leper, I don't think he could last a week. I should try that starting next week. This weekend we have something pretty special planned while his wife is at her parents with the kids.
Author twistedapart Posted November 30, 2007 Author Posted November 30, 2007 These are men who would divorce regardless of whether or not an OW was in the picture. Oh, and it includes wives who divorce their husbands as well. The ones who actually divorce for their OW, and remain in a committed relationship with that OW for more than five years? Less than 3%. HAHA! Stats (post them) or just bs from message board gossip? LOL
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 How about planning something that will get guaranteed results? Tell him that you love him and want to be with him, but that until he shows up on your doorstep with a finalized divorce and a lease to his new place that he is not to contact you in any way, shape or form and as long as he is married he is dead to you. That will knock him off the fence. Question is: will it be in your favor? Probably not. It rarely if ever works out that way and even when it does, the TOW dipper goes running back home.
brothermartin Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 What to do? Nothing. He's married. She's probably out of sorts because she knows her husband is cheating on her. She may even know it's you he's doing it with. Stand back and let him figure out what he's going to do. It's not your decision to make, it's between him and his wife. Sorry if thats not what you wanted to hear, but thats real.
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 HAHA! Stats (post them) or just bs from message board gossip? LOL According to CDC's National Center for Health Statistics: The statistics for affair-born relationships are even more extreme: Fewer than 10% of all extramarital affair relationships will actually result in a marriage between the two affair partners.* If an affair-born relationship does result in a marriage, 3 out of 4 of those couples can expect their new marriage to also end in divorce.* What does this mean? It means that for every 100 extramarital relationships - less than 10 of the unfaithful spouses will actually marry his or her affair partner. If the affair partners do marry, 75% of those marriages will also end in divorce - which means that at best, less than 3 out of every 100 affair born relationships will result in a marriage that does not end in divorce! (And this doesn't take into account marital separation, only legal divorce, which brings the success rate down from the already generous but alarmingly low 2.5%!) Make of this what you will, but the odds are against you particularly since you are presenting yourself as a potentially hostile influence in MM's children's lives. When it comes down to the wire, your MM will do what is best for his kids and your presence and hostility toward their mother will probably be your undoing.
mattym Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 You are right. Last time I played hard to get and stopped accepting his call for about three days, he went crazy. That was the week he and his wife got into a huge fight that resulted in the police at his doorstep. Since he no longer has sex with the wife, unless she gets desperate and practically begs like a pathetic leper, I don't think he could last a week. I should try that starting next week. This weekend we have something pretty special planned while his wife is at her parents with the kids. I used to tell my OW all that too. Are you sure he's telling you the truth?
Sweetcheripie Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 Well, many years ago, when my children were 2.5 years old and 5 months the OW that my husband at the time was seeing came to a party at our house with her husband and was caught embracing my husband (confusing) I "went away" real fast. This was the second time he was caught cheating (it wasn't just the hug but it was obvious that a lot more was going on). I forgave once (he was sued for sexual harrasment) but twice and I was outta there! She also was his co-worker. I divorced him. She divorced her husband and they got married. They both alienated their children, had to find different jobs and 14 years later are two of the most miserable people I have ever met. They never go anywhere without each other (afraid the other might meet someone), they complain bitterly to anyone who will listen at how awful her ex and myself are to them, and literally drink themselves into oblivion almost every night of the week. I would think long and hard about this one. The prince isn't always what he appears to be. I didn't let myself go but I was a little frumpy with the two little ones, I was cranky when he would go out to basketball games with the girls from work and I'm sure he complained how nasty I was. Its easy to say it is all her fault but maybe if he wasn't out cheating or was paying attention at home she wouldn't be so nasty! I hope if you really are a "catch", you will dump this guy, find a nice unattached one and go on and have a very nice life.
Author twistedapart Posted November 30, 2007 Author Posted November 30, 2007 I used to tell my OW all that too. Are you sure he's telling you the truth? Since I'm with him almost every night and his wife has four kids to tend to. uh, yeah.
whichwayisup Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 There is absolutely nothing you can do to speed things up. It's HIS marriage, HIS wife and he has to handle it his way. If you push him to end it, to leave his wife and kids, for you, he'll feel pressured and probably not do it. Back off and focus on you, your friends and family for a while. Don't put all your eggs in one basket. Just keep in the back of your mind, if this guy is willing to dump his wife and children that he created with his wife for you - Just think how easy it will be for him to dump you in the future! I mean, they have a history, a marriage, a life built together, children, extended family...That's alot to give up. I don't understand how you could want a man who could rid of his WHOLE family for you. Not an honest and nice way of starting off your relationship with him.
whichwayisup Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 These types of threads upset alot of people because of the smugness of the OP. Seems she feels the MM is HERS already and it's only a matter of time before the wife just hands him over and gives her own husband to her. The thing is, once the A is out of the bag, there's always a good chance the MM will do a 180 and realize how much he actually does love his wife, wants to keep his family intact. This whole thing could easily backfire on the OP if she keeps on pushing him to leave.
mattym Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 Since I'm with him almost every night and his wife has four kids to tend to. uh, yeah. Ok, maybe you're right As an experiment though, what about if you said ' No sex tonight, why don't you talk things through with her, without me clouding the issue? I'd rather wait to be intimate again until we're together' It might help him to have some clarity about what it is he wants
whichwayisup Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 Or better yet - Why not tell him goodbye and go no contact until he actually gets moving on the Divorce? With you by his side, still married to his wife, there is no real reason why he should give up her up. He has 2 women meeting all his needs. Any selfish person, man or woman, doesn't want to give that up! I'm sure it's the most incredible ego feed for him to have both you and his wife loving him!!
sarme Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 The ones who actually divorce for their OW, and remain in a committed relationship with that OW for more than five years? Less than 3%. Where do you get these stats from exactly?
sarme Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 These types of threads upset alot of people because of the smugness of the OP. Seems she feels the MM is HERS already and it's only a matter of time before the wife just hands him over and gives her own husband to her. The thing is, once the A is out of the bag, there's always a good chance the MM will do a 180 and realize how much he actually does love his wife, wants to keep his family intact. This whole thing could easily backfire on the OP if she keeps on pushing him to leave. If it's that upsetting to people then they probably should not be here. As smug as the question is posed by the OP there is no reason why she cannot ask what she feels she has the need to ask. I personally want to see the types of response this type of question gets, it is very interesting to me.
noforgiveness Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 Since I'm with him almost every night and his wife has four kids to tend to. uh, yeah. Wow he sounds like a great dad. This is someone you want to be with? People amaze me. His wife doesn't have four kids to tend to. They do. He does.
Author twistedapart Posted November 30, 2007 Author Posted November 30, 2007 Wow he sounds like a great dad. This is someone you want to be with? People amaze me. His wife doesn't have four kids to tend to. They do. He does. Better question: Why is his wife still with him when he neglects her so? Guess everyone has a price. Hers is financial security and the facade of a happy family.
noforgiveness Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 Better question: Why is his wife still with him when he neglects her so? Guess everyone has a price. Hers is financial security and the facade of a happy family. Let's see maybe because she is Married to him with four kids. Does she know you are in the middle of their relationship?
Author twistedapart Posted November 30, 2007 Author Posted November 30, 2007 Let's see maybe because she is Married to him with four kids. Does she know you are in the middle of their relationship? That's definitely the reason he complains that he is "stuck". He has four kids, three in which he never wanted. He said that she tricked him into at least two of the pregnancies by claiming to be on the pill and insisted not to use condoms as it insulted her. She wanted more kids and he didn't.
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