It's up to you

[daisydufas22]

Hello

 

1. Did you ever think you would be the OW?

 

2. Do you think that the MM tells you the truth?

 

3. Do you think he would cheat on you if he left his W? If he did, what would you do?

 

I am just curious!

 

Thanks

[CallMeCrazy]

1.) Absolutely never in a million years... I had always prided myself on never cheating and never (intentionally) being an OW. All that changed when I fell for MM....

 

2.) Good question! I actually think about this a lot more now. I think his personality is one where he tries to "spare feelings". So, he is willing to lie if he thinks the person will be less hurt. I've spent a lot of time thinking about this and how it makes me feel. Lately we've had several discussions about lying and how no matter what we both feel that for our relationship to succeed, we have to be completely 100% honest with each other. I do think a part of me will always second guess him though, because I know he is capable of it.... Part of that may also just be growing up and realizing that the people you love WILL let you down, disappoint you and may even lie to you. I'm a lot less naive than I used to be!

 

3.) In my case, I do not believe he would cheat on me, however, his W probably never thought he would either. Bottom line is, if he does cheat, he knows that it would be the end of us. Period.

[Cinabon]

Hello

 

1. Did you ever think you would be the OW? NEVER

 

2. Do you think that the MM tells you the truth?

 

I use to doubt everything he said to me. But after time and certain circumstances. Yes I believe he tells me the truth.

 

3. Do you think he would cheat on you if he left his W? If he did, what would you do?

 

Since we both cheated on SO he could also fear that I would cheat on him. But No I dont believe he would ever cheat. Again circumstances have proven that for me.

[nadiaj2727]

(I underlined OP's questions and did not underline my responses)

 

Hello

Hello (former OW here answering your questions)

 

1. Did you ever think you would be the OW?

No, never in my life... and not until about 8 months into the relationship/ affair did I realize I was the OW.

 

2. Do you think that the MM tells you the truth?

I did, I believed everything he said, until I realized I was the OW, then no... I started to see through his lies and manipulation and I disbelieved everything he said. I felt very naive for ever believing him in the first place and I realized that things didn't add up: he obviously lied to his wife about his faithfulness and his decision to stop honoring his vows to her, and he lied to everyone else who thought he was still married and living with her, so he had to be lying to me too when he told me he was separated and getting divorced. I realized not all of those things could be true and thought, "well then he's lying to SOMEONE, what makes me think it isn't ME, when all signs point to the fact that it very easily could be me! And I began to see that the truth was, he just lies to everyone in general. He's a liar but I'm just as bad for allowing him to lie to me. I never should have gotten involved with a married man no matter how "separated" I thought he was.

 

3. Do you think he would cheat on you if he left his W? If he did, what would you do?

When I was his OW and I was in love with him, I did not believe he would cheat on me. I thought he had found his one true love and that he wasn't really "cheating" on his wife because they were separated and getting divorced, and because he told me he had never felt this way about anyone and he would never hurt me. (Yes I was in the Fairyland Fog and I believed all of this, I was that naive.) Now I realize that he has something wrong with him, he is a selfish lying cheating manipulator who says and does things to get what he wants without caring about who he hurts, including his wife, and me, and he obviously does not honor his marriage vows and commitments. So now I think he would easily cheat again if he had the opportunity/ motivation I provided him (YES I definitely shared just as much as the blame... I was available to him even though he was married, eating up his every word and giving him everything he wanted because I loved him). If he was unhappy with me, which he eventually would be b/c he is fundamentally unhappy with himself and his life, then he would cheat on me if he could, thinking some other woman would fulfill that need. In fact he is a weak man who looks to women/ relationships to fill his void. Therefore he can't truly make any woman happy, including me or his wife, unless he changes.

 

And in answer to part B of your last question, lol, I've always thought that if someone, even my husband, cheated on me, I would leave them. But I can't say for sure b/c it hasn't happened to me. And actually by reading some stories of BS on this board and the Infidelity board (such as IO and reboot), I like to think that like them I would be strong enough to go the route of forgiveness/ hard work/ true love and make my marriage work despite the horrible event of cheating... but it depends on the circumstances because he would have to be truly sorry, remoseful, repentive, and continue to show me that he had made a terribly bad decision and it would never happen again. Because if it DID happen again, then yes, he'd be out so fast. (So if I had stayed with xMM and HE cheated, I think that would have just shown me he's a cheater by nature since he cheated on his wife with me, and then cheated ON me, so that would already be the two strikes, I guess. Luckily I don't have to worry about that b/c I kicked him out of my life.)

 

I am just curious!

 

Thanks

 

You're welcome.

[Meaplus3]

Hello

 

1. Did you ever think you would be the OW?

 

2. Do you think that the MM tells you the truth?

 

3. Do you think he would cheat on you if he left his W? If he did, what would you do?

 

I am just curious!

 

Thanks

 

Mine was 1 1/2 long ea with my neighbor, and it's been over for a long while now.

 

1. Did you ever think you would be the OW? NO Never! Very strange how the whole thing happened.

2. Do you think that the MM tells you the truth? NOT at all! He was very munipulative.

3. Do you think he would cheat on you if he left his W? If he did, what would you do?

 

YES! This mm was a player there is NO doubt in my mind that's he a one woman type of man. I am very sure there were other's before me and I would bet money on it that there's someone else new who's stroking his ego among other thing's, lol!

 

Oh I am so GLAD to be FREE From such a Jerk!

 

AP:)

[Gwyneth]

Hello

 

1. Did you ever think you would be the OW?

 

2. Do you think that the MM tells you the truth?

 

3. Do you think he would cheat on you if he left his W? If he did, what would you do?

 

I am just curious!

 

Thanks

 

1. Nope! That's why I'm such a hypocrite. Lesson learned: Never say Never!

 

2. Yes and no, depends. We don't discuss the terms of his marriage very often, but he does open up to me about his feelings toward other things, ie. work, family, etc. We have similiar family issues so he feels comfortable opening up to me about these things. I don't care to hear about his marital problems. He'd be lying if he said he had none, because if that were the case, his pants wouldn't ever be undone in front of me

 

3. Like I said in another thread, go into a R with the expectations of being cheated on, that way there are No surprises. I really do not know--hard to say. My father cheated on my mother, but not on the witch. Not all men cheat once then cheat again, but this MM has a record of cheating, so it's likely.

[imstunned]

-Found out 8 months in I was the OW - thought he was single - so you could say that NO - i never thought I'd be the other woman

 

- Its all over now - but cant believe a word that comes out of his mouth.

 

- I cant really answer that lsat one.

[liddie]

1. I honestly had never given it much thought

 

2. As much as I have tried to catch him in a lie...I know that he is not and has never lied to me.

 

3. That will never happen, I mean the being together part. However, I don't think he would cheat on me.

[White Flower]

1. Nope! That's why I'm such a hypocrite. Lesson learned: Never say Never!

 

2. Yes and no, depends. We don't discuss the terms of his marriage very often, but he does open up to me about his feelings toward other things, ie. work, family, etc. We have similiar family issues so he feels comfortable opening up to me about these things. I don't care to hear about his marital problems. He'd be lying if he said he had none, because if that were the case, his pants wouldn't ever be undone in front of me

 

3. Like I said in another thread, go into a R with the expectations of being cheated on, that way there are No surprises. I really do not know--hard to say. My father cheated on my mother, but not on the witch. Not all men cheat once then cheat again, but this MM has a record of cheating, so it's likely.

So, does this mean your EA has become PA?

[mattym]

I don't say this to be cruel, but as a 'recovering' cheating MM, don't believe ANYTHING we say

 

In my own experience, and that of other men I know who have cheated I know one thing to be true

 

We LIE. Constantly

 

We have comfort and security at home, and excitement with the OW. We'll say anything to maintain that as long as possible

 

You think your MM is different? Try cutting out the sex for 3 months, or give him 4 weeks to make a decision to come & be with you

If he's still there after that, congratulations. You have a winner

 

I'll probably get bashed now for saying that

[White Flower]

Hello

 

1. Did you ever think you would be the OW?

 

2. Do you think that the MM tells you the truth?

 

3. Do you think he would cheat on you if he left his W? If he did, what would you do?

 

I am just curious!

 

Thanks

1) Never in a million years. Surprise, surprise.

2) Not at all in the EA phase and mostly not in the PA phase. Can't prove he lied recently, just a hunch.

3) I don't think he'd be able to cheat if he were with me. We've had the discussion, "Would we trust each other if we eventually married?" I said he'd probably never let me out of sight unless he took my cell phone away and I said he'd never do his chores alone (they have a large property and he calls when very distant from the house).

4) What would I do? Good question. Since I thought I'd never be a cheater and it happened I have learned that we don't know how we'd deal with things until they happened. I'd like to think we knew enough about fufilling each other's needs to prevent that from happenning, but one never knows for sure. Based on my current sitch, I'd get revenge. And I never knew I was the vengeful type, FWIW. He knows this and probably wouldn't take a chance once he married me.

[White Flower]

I don't say this to be cruel, but as a 'recovering' cheating MM, don't believe ANYTHING we say

 

In my own experience, and that of other men I know who have cheated I know one thing to be true

 

We LIE. Constantly

 

We have comfort and security at home, and excitement with the OW. We'll say anything to maintain that as long as possible

 

You think your MM is different? Try cutting out the sex for 3 months, or give him 4 weeks to make a decision to come & be with you

If he's still there after that, congratulations. You have a winner

 

I'll probably get bashed now for saying that

Not at all, Matty. I welcome the truth. It gives me perspective and allows me to make the right decisions. I have asked and hoped for more MM to answer my threads but they would rather lurk than post. Sad. So, I'm glad you're here:)

[mattym]

You're welcome WF - infact, to hell with it, I'll start a thread on this very subject...! LOL

[luvmy2ns]

So, does this mean your EA has become PA?

 

I think so since, in another thread, she talked about taking out his "winky wink" and playing with it. Sounds pretty touchy-feely to me.

[White Flower]

I think so since, in another thread, she talked about taking out his "winky wink" and playing with it. Sounds pretty touchy-feely to me.

Where have you been, girl? I've been looking for you to come round and kick my A$$ for being such a softy. You've been pretty good for me.

[Lizzie60]

1. Did you ever think you would be the OW?

 

I started very young (15) I was the OW for 11 years then he moved with me after his W left..(we lived 18 yrs together)... I think he'd still be with her...

 

2. Do you think that the MM tells you the truth?

 

I think they do.. most of the time... when they don't I usually know, because I will ask them the same question the next time I see him and, when it's a lie, he will come up with a different answer... then I catch him and confront him... they have absolutely no reason to lie to me.. it's ridiculous.

 

3. Do you think he would cheat on you if he left his W? If he did, what would you do?

I don't think my first MM ever cheated on me after his W left and he moved with me... but then I could be wrong.. we can NEVER be 100% sure of that. If he would have cheated, at the beginning of the relationship... I would have kicked him out.. but then, for the last 6 years I wished he had a OW... I couldn't stand him anymore but I stayed for my son.

[Gwyneth]

So, does this mean your EA has become PA?

 

LOL, we haven't sex sex, but he has felt the need several times to show me his manhood. When I say we haven't sex, I mean intercourse.

[Gwyneth]

2. Do you think that the MM tells you the truth?

 

I think they do.. most of the time... when they don't I usually know, because I will ask them the same question the next time I see him and, when it's a lie, he will come up with a different answer... then I catch him and confront him... they have absolutely no reason to lie to me.. it's ridiculous.

 

 

This is Very true! My mom used to do this to us kids when we were younger to see if we'd lie.

[Gwyneth]

I don't say this to be cruel, but as a 'recovering' cheating MM, don't believe ANYTHING we say

 

In my own experience, and that of other men I know who have cheated I know one thing to be true

 

We LIE. Constantly

 

We have comfort and security at home, and excitement with the OW. We'll say anything to maintain that as long as possible

 

You think your MM is different? Try cutting out the sex for 3 months, or give him 4 weeks to make a decision to come & be with you

If he's still there after that, congratulations. You have a winner

 

I'll probably get bashed now for saying that

 

That is Your opinion. My opinion is that not all MM lie. Even men who aren't married lie, so it's more of a personality thing than anything else. Most women know when a man is lying, as Lizzie pointed out. I have used that tactic many times on not just men but women too. I also am very good at reading body language. Some people can't lie because they just stink at it. You might be a liar yourself, but that doesn't mean you can say every MM lies if he's cheating. Yes, he's lying about that, but about his feelings for the OW, that isn't always a lie.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

I don't say this to be cruel, but as a 'recovering' cheating MM, don't believe ANYTHING we say

 

In my own experience, and that of other men I know who have cheated I know one thing to be true

 

We LIE. Constantly

 

We have comfort and security at home, and excitement with the OW. We'll say anything to maintain that as long as possible

 

You think your MM is different? Try cutting out the sex for 3 months, or give him 4 weeks to make a decision to come & be with you

If he's still there after that, congratulations. You have a winner

 

I'll probably get bashed now for saying that

 

You wont get bashed off me Matt, Ive read your thread with interest. However, I did not have sex for a number of months. Nothing happened apart from me missing making love with him and having the full connection of our love together. Does that mean I've won the jackpot? No. It just means my MM is different to you, as every MM is different in some nuances to others.

 

In answers to the questions:

 

1) Never gave it much thought

2) He lied to me once many moons ago. He was used to lying to "keep the peace". I understood that and he has learned that telling the truth wont get the reaction that he's used to

3) No he wont. But if he did, then we weren't right anyway. What could I do? Nothing, just feel hurt and a massive sense of loss in my life before moving on. Just like any other relationship.

[OWoman]

1. Did you ever think you would be the OW?

 

It wasn't anything I ever considered, either way. I've always dissed marriage, so I guess it just never seemed an issue.

 

2. Do you think that the MM tells you the truth?

 

He has no reason to lie. And every reason not to.

 

3. Do you think he would cheat on you if he left his W? If he did, what would you do?

 

I don't buy the sexual exclusivity / monogamy thing, so there would be no reason for him to "cheat", if by cheating you mean an involvement behind someone else's back.

[PLAYBRAT]

In response to Matt....for us who have only had EA's....and NO sex..

Which is ALL my "affair" has ever been....we have/had a very very

close and special friendship....and he SWEARS he still wants/needs

me in his life. Does this make him a "winner" Or just a cheater lying in wait? BTW I have known him for 3 years..That's a long time to wait to get laid..no?

[White Flower]

In response to Matt....for us who have only had EA's....and NO sex..

Which is ALL my "affair" has ever been....we have/had a very very

close and special friendship....and he SWEARS he still wants/needs

me in his life. Does this make him a "winner" Or just a cheater lying in wait? BTW I have known him for 3 years..That's a long time to wait to get laid..no?

Wow, he must have a very strong emotional attachment to you! Is he having sex with his W? What is his payoff; a strong emotional friendship with you and sex with her? I'm curious, so, thanks.

[PLAYBRAT]

Hiya WF..how are you???

 

To answer your Q...I cannot speak for him..but I have asked him WHY'

he wishes to continue this "friendship"...because he KNOWS my feelings.

His answer is that he considers our friendship very special, and that I am one of the FEW people in his life he has trusted enough to befriend.

 

Our "relationship" is based on friendship...but yes there are a lot of sexual undertones.We were friends for two years BEFORE he got married.

The woman he had been dating got pregnant a few months ago..so they got married. Since then our "relationhsip" has been rocky.I have attempted several times to end it...because it has been hard for me to

deal with. He says he does not know what the future holds..because he knows he basically married her because of the pregnancy. He also has a very high profile career...and IS concerned about what others think.

 

I am not trying to justify anything...just trying to explain my situation.

Anyway...we talked recently where he opened up a lot to me..and I said

"thank you..not I can move on"...he said.. "I hate the sound of "move on" it sounds so final" and he is just sad at that thought.

 

So yes...this all from a guy who has NEVER had the opportunity to dip his "pen" in my "ink"

 

It is strange indeed...

[whichwayisup]

My opinion is that not all MM lie

 

A man who cheats on his wife, LIES TO HER, is a liar so don't fool yourself into thinking he hasn't or won't tell you a lie as well.