kirikat Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 Hi - I really need some input. I am dating the ex boyfriend. We had dinner on the first date. Sex on the second. Last night, I told him that I just couldnt, because I cant do it with out feeling something. He said "Ah, so that was what was different last time", I said, yes... I couldnt do it without my heart involved. He said "I can be here now" - I laughed at him, and asked what he meant. He said "You want ALL of me" - I said, no... I just want more. Honestly, I wasnt trying to use sex as a bargaining chip (no matter what the books advise...), and he would have said whatever I wanted. So, keeping my clothes on, we fooled around, then I went home. I'm confused, but hopefully not nearly so much as he is.... Guys - tell me tell me tell me - am I wrong for even getting horizontal here? I mean, I HATE the idea of bartering love for sex - it wasnt my intention (but I saw how it would have worked....) I want him back, but not on the terms of before - (which were, we would go out, have a great time, sleep together - 2-3 x per week. The problem? We never made pancakes the next day!) We adore each other, we LIKE each other - he doesnt know if he loves me, and I think maybe I am simply too easy (not just sexually, though that too... I am just not a difficult person to be with!) Good? Bad? Input? What am I doing right or wrong?
kitkat289 Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 I dont know anything about your relationship and how it ended.I would just say one thing that spend quality time together so that your relationship is purely based on an emotional bond.And by 'quality time', I dont mean to say that be with him and do a lot of things...just have a control on things and do not be that 'easy'...easily available and easy to talk to and stuff.(I know that you know what is right, but love yourself more than anybody and keep saying 'no' often)He should get the message that you are not that easily accessible...you have your own free time and would say a 'yes' according to your own schedule.You know I regret a lot learning from my past mistakes.I realise, there was hardly anytime when I didnt attend his call and that made me so easily available and lose my value.
Ssheena Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 KiriKat, I think I remember some of your old posts. What do you want with this man? Do you want him to sleep over and get up with you and make you coffee and then make pancakes and bacon/sausages whatever and have a nice Saturday or Sunday breakfast with him? If he does not want what you want, and you are honest with yourself about what kind of relationship would make you happy, if he is not willing to compromise and you are not willing to compromise, it's just going to frustrate the heck out of you. It's not going to work. What are you getting out of this? What is he? If he just wants sex and no relationship, he can call a 800 number for that. If you want more, he can not have that with you, nor does he deserve you.
Author kirikat Posted December 3, 2007 Author Posted December 3, 2007 I think going back was good for me, but I think you may be right... its just not good enough Saturday night was a really big night for me... a huge performance of my play that included a lot of dignitaries. I had asked my once beloved to be there, and to bring a couple of people.... I recall he said he would call them.... But, he didnt come. However, my other ex boyfriends were there, and they were really proud of me, and gave me big hugs... The men who love me were there. The man I loved was not. Screw it.
MartianChronicles Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 kiri dear, are you sure you want something like that? remember when my ex wanted me to be his fwb? remember what you told me then? (((hugs)))
Ssheena Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 That he didn't come to share in something was very important to you says a lot about him. That you had people show who do love you and are proud of you and told you so, says so much about them and about you. You are lovable and successful. Opened your eyes, didn't it..?
sedgwick Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 Kirikat, are you a playwright? If so...me too! Cool! What was your play about?
Author kirikat Posted December 3, 2007 Author Posted December 3, 2007 No - not a playwrite, a director. I staged a childrens production of Peter and the Wolf, with a kids choir and new orchestration. The Mayor of Florence and the Consulate General of the US were guest narrators on Saturday. http://www.myspace.com/peter_and_the_wolf And, yes, the FWB is out of the question, not even on the table. I have had FWB's in the past... and the difference is that they are actually my FRIENDS, and thier interest in me extends well beyond the bedroom.
oasis Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 No - not a playwrite, a director. http://www.myspace.com/peter_and_the_wolf quote] Kirikat, you are really successful and beautiful. You do not have to ever settle for anything (not even love) that is not in your best interest. Let your beauty and success be your guide when making decisions about about the directions that you want life to take you. Oasis
Author kirikat Posted December 4, 2007 Author Posted December 4, 2007 Oasis that was so sweet. Now, here is the update. So, last week, for the first time, I say "No, I dont think so" Last night, he IM's me. him: "Im confused. Where are we going?" me: "In circles" him: "Ha ha, you are so smart" me: silent him: "What do you think" me: "I think we really like each other so much, and we always have a really great time together" him: "And its not enough?" me: "I want pancakes on Sunday Morning" him: "ah" me: silent him: "But I dont want a relationship. At least not now" me: silent him: "Maybe we could work something out that would make us both happy" me: silent him: "I dont think we can go back to where we were" me: "Good, becase I was mostly unhappy" him: "I dont want you unhappy." me: "I want pancakes on Sunday morning. Now I need to go to sleep. Ciao tesoro" Fini Ah... its good to get a little of my power back.
Ssheena Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 BRAVA! (isn't that the female version of Bravo? If not, that's what I was trying for). Standing ovation!
empress Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 kirikat! bravo! althoug i only read your post today.. but i feel happy for you! keep it up and i don't see you have any problem to find a good man you deserve!
Author kirikat Posted December 8, 2007 Author Posted December 8, 2007 So, we talked again. I tried to ask him what he means when he says a relationship. He couldnt answer, only that he doesnt want one. I told him we already HAVE one. I asked him wht he meant when he said he wanted to find a way that we could both be happy. He said he wanted to sleep with other people. I told him that honestly, I could care less about that, as long as I knew that I was important and well cared for. He said that taking care of me sounded like the opposite of freedom. He said that I should remove him. I told him I dont know how. He said that maybe I should consider not being sexual with him. He's being clear. I guess I should listen. Man, this hurts. I loved that boy.
Ssheena Posted December 8, 2007 Posted December 8, 2007 yes, it hurts. However, in your head and your bones, you know he is not what you truly want, or deserve. He said he wants to sleep with other people. I know you are more than just a number or mark on a bedpost, don't let him put you in that category.
Ariadne Posted December 8, 2007 Posted December 8, 2007 Ok, ~ a relationship... he doesnt want one. ~ He said he wanted to sleep with other people. ~ He said that taking care of me sounded like the opposite of freedom. ~ He said that I should remove him. ---- That guy doesn't love you for crap. At least you can have him for fwb, he's available for that. But I don't think you love him either. Maybe the fantasy of a wonderful relationship. You can only love someone when you feel connected, that guy is not. Ariadne
Author kirikat Posted December 9, 2007 Author Posted December 9, 2007 Ariadne, I wish things were so simple. This is someone who behaves like a man in love when we are together.... (honest, Im not a stupid woman - I have just never had any experience with any thing like this before. I have been really fortunate in the past with the men I've loved). In my presence, he is a different creature. Thats why this has been so confusing. However, I think maybe this is someone who cannot will not ever grow up. However, his asking if we could make it work, and then turning around and saying he would like to use me like a public restroom has me thinking that this is not a good person.... not someone I would ever consider to be a friend, and that just maybe I really have wasted a year of my life.
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