How long do you usually give a new relationship before deciding if it will work out?

[maynicholas]

I know there is no set timeline, I'm just asking what your experience has been.

 

I am dating this one guy at the moment, but wouldn't say no to seeing someone else if they asked. I have no one in particular in mind, more hypothetical. The truth is that I am looking for a husband. I am looking to settle down. I spent 11 years in a relationship that went no where, so I don't want to make that mistake again. I am upfront with the guy I'm currently casualy dating about that. He is cool with it.

 

We have had some very frank discussions about the whole thing. He says he is used to dating needy females and usually ends it because he can't give them all the time they demand. I can respect that. I don't have a lot of time to give anyway, so it doesn't bother me. And I don't like needy people either. But this does mean that things will have to progress slowly for us. He says he has never dated a woman like me and he is hoping that I will be the one to change his mind. What the heck does that mean?

 

I'm not needy, for me it's all about quality, not quantity of time spent together. I would like to talk to him more often than I do, via email, text, or a quick phone convo. Mainly because I want to get to know him better to see if this is worth investing in, but I don't want to come off as 'needy' since I'm not sure where that line lies with him.

 

How do I approach this? This is a very new relationship- so I'm not saying that I think he's 'the one'- it is way too soon to tell. I know I like him. I know I enjoy his company. He really likes me and likes hanging out with me. But I would like some advice on how handle this. At what point do you know it's not going to work out or that it is worth your time to invest? (Side note- I'm 30- he's 28 in case you wanted to know)

[ImThinkingWTF]

I am in the same exact situation as you are. He works all the time, we talk on the phone but, he is really only free during the weekends. I am getting frustrated because I want to spend time with him to get to know him better but, I am hesitant to really say anything because its very very very new. Honestly, it hasnt even been 3 weeks and I am almost ready to give up. I wouldnt say I am "needy" but, I know how much attention and time I like to spend with someone in order to make me feel good about the relationship. I did call him yesterday to tell him that I wanted to see him, and he made time for me. I think its all about being honest... Good luck. I'll be interested to hear what others have to say.

[maynicholas]

Yeah, I mean I can't hang out with him more than once a week because of my schedule- let alone his.

[Jilly Bean]

Unfortunately, there is no set formula on that. I met my ex, and a week and half later, he moved in with me, and we were together for 9 years. Conversely, I have dated guys for months who were unable to move the relationship forward.

 

I think if you like being with someone, feel like there are core values in common, then you should stick with it. A good relationship isn't built in a week, but you do need to have a good foundation for any real future. But, nothing wrong with multi-dating in the meantime, until you are sure there can be a future with someone.

[blind_otter]

IME I give new relationships about 3 months, because (IME) that's about how long someone can completely hide their personality from you before cracks appear in the facade.

[maynicholas]

So how does one go about saying "Hey, I'd like to talk to you more often" without coming off as being needy? Is that needy? Or is that normal? We have only spoken on the phone a couple of times. Most of our conversations are just quick chats over email back and forth. Once when he was leaving he said he would get in touch with me and I said- you know you could pick up the phone and call me sometimes. And so he did a couple of times. I am hestiant to call him just to chat, so I send him text messages if I have a question, but I never call. Can I call? I don't want to talk to him every day, but once during the middle of the week might be nice. What exactly is a man's definition of needy?

[Art_Critic]

I had always followed my gut.. there was one relationship that I let go on about a month or so after my gut kicked in.. that was the one that lead me to LS...

Normally after I have felt it in my gut I would only let a day or so go by before I pulled the trigger and got out.

 

I say that if you are having reservations early on then it is your gut telling you to cut and run... Of course this is just me and my opinion...

[maynicholas]

I'm not having reservations about him- he seems fine so far. Just about making the same mistakes that I made last time. As in waiting too long.

[ImThinkingWTF]

So how does one go about saying "Hey, I'd like to talk to you more often" without coming off as being needy? Is that needy? Or is that normal? We have only spoken on the phone a couple of times. Most of our conversations are just quick chats over email back and forth. Once when he was leaving he said he would get in touch with me and I said- you know you could pick up the phone and call me sometimes. And so he did a couple of times. I am hestiant to call him just to chat, so I send him text messages if I have a question, but I never call. Can I call? I don't want to talk to him every day, but once during the middle of the week might be nice. What exactly is a man's definition of needy?

 

ok...yeah, we are def in the same boat. He has called me a few times, and I had never initiated calling. Only returning a missed call. Anyway, Im a girl...so I dont know about what a man sees as needy. I think the next time you have a question you should call him...or just call him just to chat. if he likes you then it shouldnt be a problem.... *shrugs* just make sure you have something to talk about!

[maynicholas]

Any men out there care to give your definition of needy and the difference between normal expectations?

 

(Please don't define needy as a woman who visits chat rooms to solicit advice from random strangers )

[desertguy]

Any men out there care to give your definition of needy and the difference between normal expectations?

 

(Please don't define needy as a woman who visits chat rooms to solicit advice from random strangers )

 

 

I equate neediness with codependence, or any manipulative behaviors. If you're saying things like "I can't live without you", that's needy (and a little creepy). It doesn't sound like that's the case here. You just like this guy and want to spend more time with him. Nothing wrong with that.

 

Keep in mind though that everybody has different needs/preferences on how much space they like in a relationship. I probably like to have a little more space than most people, I tend to need some downtime to myself, and I state that at front when I start seeing somebody. As long as you're not total opposites here, it's probably not an issue.

[maynicholas]

I am a total loner which is why I'm probably over thinking this whole neediness thing. I spend a lot of time alone and I like and need it that way, so the concept of neediness to me is unfamiliar to me.