In a same-sex relationship: Feelings for a friend

[BlueDog9900]

I and a friend just disclosed to one another that we have feelings towards each other. It's been going on for the past 2 years, but it took this long to admit. We'd both been avoiding each other to try and stave off the emotional 'battle'. Lately, we've been talking on the phone and text messaging each other. We've seen each other only once -- talked and laughed in her truck for an hour. We really enjoyed each other's company, and would like to continue to do so. The issue is, we're both in relationships with other women; she for 10 years, me for 11. Neither of us is completely happy, nor are we ready to just walk away. But we know we DO want to get to know each other better. What are your thoughts?

[whichwayisup]

End your relationships with your present partners, and then get to know eachother better, that way it's a more honest and real approach. Each of you will be cheating on your partners and that isn't fair or nice to do to them. OR, tell your partner (and she tells hers) what is going on and let them decide if they're willing to have an open relationship or end it. To go ahead and cheat will only cause alot of heartache and pain for ALL of you.

[imstunned]

I totally agree with wish way - gay staignt or Bi - dosent matter - end your current relationships. Its not fair to stay with your respective partners while developing feelings for somebody else. If you continue and see where this goes while still seeing your SO's it will be VERY messy for everyone. If you are not happy with who you are with then cut them loose so that both you and they can find happiness.

[whichwayisup]

The thing is, you need to ask yourself 'how was my relationship BEFORE the other woman came into my life.' Were you happy with your partner, did you two have a good sex life together, does she treat you well, meet your needs, love and respect you? Or, is it now meeting someone else that has brought up new feelings, crush-like and exciting feelings in you and that's why you want to pursue things with someone else?

 

You don't have to answer those questions here if you don't feel comfortable, those are things you need to think about it because leaving your partner for someone else could backfire on you once the honeymoon phase is over. YOu might really regret leaving your current partner one day and wish you had it back.

[BlueDog9900]

Hey Whichway,

 

Thanks for the feedback. The truth of the matter is, I am not happy with my partner. Our sex life is non-existent. She has gained nearly 100 lbs since we first got together 11 years ago. I have gained about 20 and am losing now. But I have no desire to make love to her, nor her to me. Although she does treat me well, and I know she loves and respects me -- that is only HALF of the relationship. It's ME who does not always treat HER well, nor afford her the love and respect she deserves. I don't intend to be mean or cruel, but I find myself lashing out at her more and more often. I look forward to the days that she is working and I am home alone so that I can have 'me' time. Once in awhile that is healthy, but I actually like those days better than the days we have off together -- as we always end up arguing.

 

I met this 'someone else' three years ago in a continuing education class that both my partner and I took together. I was immediately attracted to her. Admittedly right now, it is sort of 'crush-like' and it's definitely exciting -- this 'getting to know each other' time. She makes me laugh and it's very easy to be around her. At the same time, I will not cheat on my partner. She has already told her partner that she wants out -- but she was going to do so even if I had not come into the picture. She left her last fall to get some separation and try to salvage their relationship, but it's hopeless. She is not her partner's number one priority and vice-versa.

 

We both want to continue to get to know each other, but I also wonder if maybe this IS just a 'honeymoon phase'... She tells me that there is no pressure and to be 'sure' that I really want to leave my partner. She has also asked that I not mess around, as she is falling hard.

 

11 years is a LONG time...but I feel like I've failed....

[imstunned]

HI. You didnt acknowledge my response - but I am going to post anyway.

 

My last significant relationship lasted 7 years. I was miserable towards the end of the relationship. Desperately unhappy. Yet I stayed. I was scared. Scared of being alone, never meeting anyone else, nobody wanting me as I had a child and numerous other things. . .. . . . .looking back I can see that we should have split a long time before we did - I mean years before we did.

 

It seems from reding your post that you may be scared of something too - what is it? In case it dosent work out with your friend? In case you dont meet anyone else?

 

It sounds really obvious that you are not happy. You are not intimate together and nor do you want to be. . .do you want to be intimate with your friend?

 

11 years is a long time. But can you imagine another 11 with your current partner?

[frannie]

It's ME who does not always treat HER well, nor afford her the love and respect she deserves. I don't intend to be mean or cruel, but I find myself lashing out at her more and more often. I look forward to the days that she is working and I am home alone so that I can have 'me' time. Once in awhile that is healthy, but I actually like those days better than the days we have off together -- as we always end up arguing. ....

 

Hello BlueDog.

 

Do you know why you don't love her or afford her respect, or why you lash out at her and prefer being alone to being with her? Is what has gone wrong with your partner fixable? Do you want to fix it?

 

Since it's still early days in some ways with your other woman, then I would have thought the best thing to do would be for you both to concentrate on ending your current situations well, before getting to know each other better. Getting to know someone takes a long, long time anyway. And an affair isn't exactly the best way of doing things.

 

But I get the impression that while you don't like your current situation, you're scared of leaving, and starting anew. Because there are no guarantees, are there? And what you've had may be not ideal, but at least it is safe, as your current partner treats you well.

 

I think those are really the things to think about.

[BlueDog9900]

Frannie,

 

There is alot of stress and strain in our relationship...we've dealt with the deaths of our fathers, my grandmother, and her brother all in the last 3 years. We both devote alot of time to our widowed Mothers; I am at my Mom's at least one day out of every weekend, and we're at her Mom's, who lives alot closer to us, at least 2 times per week.

 

The OW has ended her current situation, even before she told me she has feelings for me. I don't want to and will not have an affair with her. I just want to spend time with her!!! I don't believe that leaving one relationship for another is the best course for anyone to take. I have even told her that I will not walk away from my current situation without first trying everything to make it work.

 

Now what????

[whichwayisup]

I'm glad you posted again..

 

. I don't want to and will not have an affair with her. I just want to spend time with her!!! I don't believe that leaving one relationship for another is the best course for anyone to take. I have even told her that I will not walk away from my current situation without first trying everything to make it work.

 

The thing is, you may not be having a full on affair with her, but you are having an emotional affair with her, allowing feelings to grow, you're getting to know her more and more, intimate feelings are developing as well...Maybe your intent isn't "affair" and you don't want to cheat on your partner, but already you are because of your feelings, because you can see yourself with this new woman at some point.

 

The only way to give your relationship with your partner a good and honest shot is, to end the new found friendship with the other woman...It's impossible for you to focus ONLY on your spouse with the OW in the picture.. Whatever you feel for the OW IS and WILL be transferred to your partner. Hope this makes sense to you..

 

Try couples therapy, let your partner know that you are unhappy but want to make it work.

[BlueDog9900]

It seems from reading your post that you may be scared of something too - what is it? In case it dosent work out with your friend? In case you dont meet anyone else?

 

It sounds really obvious that you are not happy. You are not intimate together and nor do you want to be. . .do you want to be intimate with your friend?

 

11 years is a long time. But can you imagine another 11 with your current partner?

 

imstunned:

 

I am not scared that it will not work out with the OW, or that I would not meet anyone else. It's just that my partner and I are just floating along/stagnant at this point in our relationship. We are not intimate with each other. She wants to be, but I no longer desire her in that way.

 

The more time I spend with the OW, the more I am feeling like I would like to become intimate with her. At this very moment, I cannot imagine another 11 years with my current partner...

[whichwayisup]

The more time I spend with the OW, the more I am feeling like I would like to become intimate with her. At this very moment, I cannot imagine another 11 years with my current partner...

 

And if you want to even try to make things work with your current partner, then the OW has to be out of your life in every way. No contact.

 

But, you've also said afew things that you need to think about - You can't see yourself with your current partner for another 11 years, and you aren't attracted to her or desire her the way she desires you.

 

Is that fair? To stay in a relationship, not love and adore her the way she does you? She deserves that love too so if you feel you cannot give it to her anymore, please end it. If you want to try to recapture those feelings, then do the couples counselling together and see what happens...Just be honest with your partner.

 

If your partner lost some weight, would that make a difference? Or do you feel you've grown apart from her so much that you can't go back to being happy with her?

 

Just giving you some stuff to think about..Keep posting and I hope that you come to some sort of conclusion soon. Eventually your partner will notice that your attention has become less on her and more focussed on someone else.

[scaredinlove]

It seems from reading your post that you may be scared of something too - what is it? In case it dosent work out with your friend? In case you dont meet anyone else?

 

It sounds really obvious that you are not happy. You are not intimate together and nor do you want to be. . .do you want to be intimate with your friend?

 

11 years is a long time. But can you imagine another 11 with your current partner?

 

imstunned:

 

I am not scared that it will not work out with the OW, or that I would not meet anyone else. It's just that my partner and I are just floating along/stagnant at this point in our relationship. We are not intimate with each other. She wants to be, but I no longer desire her in that way.

 

The more time I spend with the OW, the more I am feeling like I would like to become intimate with her. At this very moment, I cannot imagine another 11 years with my current partner...

 

 

You sound a little like me with my exH , he was mean though and we had many issues. But anyway, I felt like you do now I didn't want to be close to him or see him. I was happy when he was at work and annoyed when he comes home.

 

I met this guy at work and at first it was a friendsip and I remember teliing him that I would never cheat. Fast foward 5 and something yrs. I am divorce , he is in a very bad M cause we ot caught and his W is still very angry after over a yr. And we still having a affair.

 

So affairs are rough bussines and you may not want to go that path. Ask your self questions like other people had suggested.

 

Do you see yourself with or present partner another 11yrs?

Is that what you want?

Are you falling off love?

 

Deal with one at time cause affairs can get really confusing.

 

Best wishes.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Let me ask you a question?

 

Being a lesbian and all I would never think they would ever consider cheating!?!?

 

That still throws me for a loop especially lesbians, I mean you always hear of them finding their soulmates and how they relate to women better and she understand me.

 

You ned to realize that if you do leave your women for this other one, they're a strong chance she may never be faithful to you. Or you may still be in love with the person you left. You say she gained weight? Yeah and women gain weight all the time so what? You want something new and exciting that what it all boils down to.

 

That's not right.

 

If you want to leave you shouldnt be a typical woman and have someone waiting in the wings,

 

You should just leave for yourself.

 

But also she hasnt hurt you, cheated on you, abused you?

 

Then ask yourself why are you leaving?

[frannie]

Frannie,

 

There is alot of stress and strain in our relationship...we've dealt with the deaths of our fathers, my grandmother, and her brother all in the last 3 years. We both devote alot of time to our widowed Mothers; I am at my Mom's at least one day out of every weekend, and we're at her Mom's, who lives alot closer to us, at least 2 times per week.

 

The OW has ended her current situation, even before she told me she has feelings for me. I don't want to and will not have an affair with her. I just want to spend time with her!!! I don't believe that leaving one relationship for another is the best course for anyone to take. I have even told her that I will not walk away from my current situation without first trying everything to make it work.

 

Now what????

 

So have the stresses and strains ruined the relationship, or was it never strong enough to support them (perhaps both)? If you are supporting your mother so much now, will that change in the future, or is that something that will have to be considered in your next relationship? Just some more things to think about.

 

As WWIU has said, 'getting to know' this new woman while you remain with your current partner is nothing more than an affair anyway, by another name. Perhaps you will have nothing physical, but the emotional ties will become strong, and the investment of energy and emotion elsewhere than with your partner will only be detremental to that first relationship.

 

So, if you have said, and intend, that you will not walk away from your current relationship without first having tried to make it work, then the only real way of doing that is to let the other woman go, at least for now. You can't go on 'getting to know' her and envisioning a future while you 'work on' what you have now, it just doesn't work like that.

 

Really, from the way you talk about your current partner it seems like there would be a lot of work to get it back to where you need it to be. Do you feel that it is possible? And do you want to do that? Or are you already half out of the door?

[BlueDog9900]

Chrome: You are right about a couple of things...My partner has never hurt me, cheated on me, or abused me in any way. I have no doubt whatsoever that she loves me and tries in every way to make me her #1 priority. Also, while I wasn't 'looking' for it, I am enjoying the attentions of the OW -- who wouldn't? It's all so new, fresh, and exciting!! But you're correct, it doesn't make it right. And I am partially to blame for being honest with her and telling her of my attraction for her. I mean really, I had been quiet about it for the past 3 years. I guess a better way of handling that would have been to tell her I am flattered, but I am taken -- at the very least.

 

Perhaps my partner and I have not tried hard enough to get things back to where they once were. Please understand, I DO love her.

 

My 'rational' brain (and all of you) is telling me that I should stop seeing the OW and start focusing on my partner and our relationship. At the very least, I really should show her in 3-5 ways every day that I DO care. We've both been so busy living for everyone else around us, that we've lost track of US. I think the things that have brought us so close together have also forced us apart. I think that we can be happy again.

 

Thus far, I have not told her anything about my feelings toward the OW, or hers for me...Is it best to keep quiet and go about repairing our relationship?

[frannie]

Perhaps my partner and I have not tried hard enough to get things back to where they once were. Please understand, I DO love her.

 

My 'rational' brain (and all of you) is telling me that I should stop seeing the OW and start focusing on my partner and our relationship. At the very least, I really should show her in 3-5 ways every day that I DO care. We've both been so busy living for everyone else around us, that we've lost track of US. I think the things that have brought us so close together have also forced us apart. I think that we can be happy again.

 

Thus far, I have not told her anything about my feelings toward the OW, or hers for me...Is it best to keep quiet and go about repairing our relationship?

 

That made me smile

 

I think it would be your call entirely, knowing your partner, whether you think that telling her you've had feelings for someone else or not is a good idea. Especially since you've not acted on those feelings, there doesn't seem much to 'confess'...

 

I don't know... it might help to focus your mind. She may have had a clue about it and would welcome your honesty. If handled in the right way, so that she doesn't feel upset or jealous, it could bring you much much closer to each other.

 

On the other hand, I do think that honesty for honesty's sake is somewhat overrated and can actually be counter-productive. I think that if you're doing it for her, and for your relationship, then go ahead. If you're doing it for you, to assuage guilt (or whatever), then no.

 

But I've never been in this position (from either side), so I really don't know. Good luck anyway!

[BlueDog9900]

Frannie,

 

Thanks for listening and advising. Honestly, my partner does not have a clue about it. She is friends with OW too and thinks that's all there is between us. I do have some feelings of guilt. OW and I have held hands, and hugged -- once. Mostly we just sit and talk, as well as talk and text on the phone. The temptation to kiss her is so great, so thrilling and exciting. The anticipation gives me butterflies in my stomach. I am so confused!!!

 

A part of me really wants to work on my relationship with my partner and do everything we can to salvage it. Another part of me wants to just get it out in the open that OW and I are attracted to and have feelings for each other. Would that be fair? I realize that by just saying that much, my partner may say we are 'done'.

 

Then, there are our families and friends...Ultimately, it's OUR relationship -- but so many others would be affected by a breakup.

 

My head is spinning Frannie....

[whichwayisup]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=1437044&postcount=16

 

This link is from another thread which I think you might find insightful.

 

Replace "marriage" with relationship or common-law: Below is a quote by Owl.

 

not all marriages can or should be saved. But that's impossible to determine while an affair is going on. An affair skews the situation so greatly that ending the affair has to be the FIRST step to determine what really needs to happen in most situations. While engaged in an affair, the WS normally fights to maintain BOTH relationships, and refuses to consider anything further than that.

 

And given that the WS is so mentally "checked out" during an affair, anything he tells the OP during the affair about that marriage is HIGHLY suspect at best. They lie to their spouse, they lie to the OP, and they ESPECIALLY lie to themselves most of all. Its how they justify to themselves what they're doing.

[whichwayisup]

So, you may not be in an affair physically, but emotionally, you're there. So, how is it possible to even consider what you what truely feel in your heart for your girlfriend when there is someone else who has your attention and you're very emotionally attached and attracted to them? It's impossible for you to make any kind of choice because now you have two women whom have your heart - Problem is, are you willing to give up a sure bet with someone for the unknown?

If the OW wasn't in the picture would you still be considering ending it? Are you afraid to be alone, in the sense that you do end it and then all of a sudden the OW decides she can't be with you - Are you okay with that? Or are you planning on ending it, then living and being alone for a while and casually dating the OW?

[frannie]

A part of me really wants to work on my relationship with my partner and do everything we can to salvage it. Another part of me wants to just get it out in the open that OW and I are attracted to and have feelings for each other. Would that be fair? I realize that by just saying that much, my partner may say we are 'done'.

 

Then, there are our families and friends...Ultimately, it's OUR relationship -- but so many others would be affected by a breakup.

 

I honestly don't think it's a good idea to stay in any situation because other people expect it. So they would be affected by a breakup, they'd get over it. Meanwhile, this is your life, and you have to consider your own happiness here. You wouldn't expect other people to stay in a situation that wasn't working for them just so you could avoid some inconvenience would you..?

 

I think on balance, that if it were me, feeling like you do, I'd tell my partner and let the chips fall where they may. Basically because you say only part of you wants to make it work with your partner, and perhaps it will take a lot more than you just re-focusing on her to make that work, with all you feel for this other woman kept from her. I think putting it all on the table will enable you to have a fresh start with your current partner or end it cleanly..?

 

I don't understand why you ask, 'would that be fair'? I was expecting a lot of people from the Infidelity side of things to come down on this and say YES! She deserves to know! Tell her! And yet you're asking whether or not it would be fair..? Would you want to know..?

[BlueDog9900]

It's impossible for you to make any kind of choice because now you have two women whom have your heart - Problem is, are you willing to give up a sure bet with someone for the unknown?

If the OW wasn't in the picture would you still be considering ending it? Are you afraid to be alone, in the sense that you do end it and then all of a sudden the OW decides she can't be with you - Are you okay with that? Or are you planning on ending it, then living and being alone for a while and casually dating the OW?

 

While it's a 'sure bet' with P, it's truly not a happy place. Also, I am not afraid to be alone. In fact, when I got into the relationship with P, I promised myself that 'if' it ever ended, I would live and be alone for awhile and just casually date other women.

 

I like and want OW's attention, but I will not cheat on P (at least not physcically). Frannie may be right by saying that I should tell my partner and let the chips fall where they may. But, with it being the holidays and all the stress and strain, plus her brother having passed away only 4 months ago, I will remain silent until the New Year.

[whichwayisup]

But you already ARE cheating on her - Emotionally speaking and you're allowing feelings to grow...You want this OW, you're attracted to her and you're putting in alot of energy into her as well. Your intentions may not be TO cheat, but in a sense you're "trying" someone else out before you end it with your current partner.

 

If you feel telling her you've met someone else and it's confused you, enough that you're having big doubts about your relationship with her, do it. Lay it all out on the line. Be aware though, she WILL be angry and upset because of who the OW is. You both are friends with her, so she is going to feel betrayed.

 

The timing is never going to be right, so if you choose to do this in the New Year, make yourself stick to that deadline. Dragging it out and waiting another few months because of what life throws at ya isn't going to make it any easier on either of you.

 

Good luck...Oh, just one more thing - Maybe between now and the New Year you should distance yourself from the OW. Get out of the habit of involving her in your daily life, detach emotionally and focus on yourself and how you're going to talk to your girlfriend.

[BlueDog9900]

But you already ARE cheating on her - Emotionally speaking and you're allowing feelings to grow...You want this OW, you're attracted to her and you're putting in alot of energy into her as well. Your intentions may not be TO cheat, but in a sense you're "trying" someone else out before you end it with your current partner.

 

Maybe between now and the New Year you should distance yourself from the OW. Get out of the habit of involving her in your daily life, detach emotionally and focus on yourself and how you're going to talk to your girlfriend.

 

At this point it will be hard to distance myself from OW...I will just keep it "safe" so I don't risk the guilt involved in cheating. The fact that I am emotionally involved with her basically puts me over the edge, but I don't need the physical part to bury myself alive.

 

I wonder if I can still have a friendship with my partner if I end up leaving? I am so close to her entire family, it will be very difficult for me.

 

I will make a true effort to take things one day at a time and feel out where I and my partner are. I'll try to keep things in perspective. The one thing I will not do is distance myself from her to spend time with OW. There will be plenty of time for that - if and when the time is right. And if it's right, I think dating is a VERY good idea. I don't want to sell myself short, and I'll need space to recover properly. As we all know, rebound relationships can be very dangerous.

[whichwayisup]

I wonder if I can still have a friendship with my partner if I end up leaving? I am so close to her entire family, it will be very difficult for me.

 

Nope. Atleast not for a while. You have to think too, what's going to be easier on your girlfriend. She may not be able to handle any sort of friendship with you afterwards..And, she may be extremely hurt about the OW - So keep in mind that there's a possibility she won't want her family speaking to you after you two break up. Break-ups are really hard, and part of breaking up is giving up certain friends (some sadly choose sides) and family too.

 

I know this is hard on you, I just hope you aren't jumping the gun here and do break up thing, only to realize you've made a big mistake and the OW isn't what you think she's cracked up to be...

 

Yes, you'll need time alone to grieve and close your heart towards your gf.

[BlueDog9900]

I just hope you aren't jumping the gun here and do the break up thing, only to realize you've made a big mistake and the OW isn't what you think she's cracked up to be...

 

 

I will not jump the gun!!! I've invested 11 years in this relationship and will not just throw it away for the first pair of pretty eyes who tells me I am sweet. No way Baby!!

 

As I've said previously, I will make a true effort to take things one day at a time and feel out where I and my partner are. I'll try to keep things in perspective.