my boyfriends's family hates me-- !!!

[pirate_amanda]

Hi!

 

I'm twenty years old and my boyfriend is twenty-four. We've been dating for about a year and a half. Everything is going great...except for one thing. His family hates me. Openly just hates me!!!

Now, I'm a pretty normal girl. I'm going to college to get a degree biology. I don't dress inappropriately and I use good english. I don't do drugs. I admit I do drink occasionally but I am in no means a drunk. I'm pretty polite. Basically, I'm just a normal girl. I could understand if they hated me if I portrayed myself in a bad way...but basically I am just an average college student.

 

So anyways, he lives with his twenty-six year old married sister while he's looking for a job in the area. He lives about six hours away from me because I am in college. The first time I met his sister, things seemed to go fine. But it all went downhill from there. She was always really cold towards me. For example, whenever I would come over, she would say hello to my boyfriend by completely ignore me. I tried to not let it bother me. Eventually I got the idea that she didn't like me, but I had no idea why.

Finally everything blew up. One day, when I was down visiting my boyfriend, we ordered a pizza. We put it in the fridge to finish later. Well it turns out that his sister ordered an identical pizza. I was doing homework or something and my boyfriend went out to the kitchen to get us some pizza. He grabbed it and brought it in. I dug into a slice and didn't think anything of it. The next morning, we awoke to find a note on the bathroom mirror. It basically said that I was never allowed to come over again because they knew I took the piece of pizza!! Well, apparantly we took a piece of his sister's identical pizza!!! Of course, it wasn't ours to take, but it was a piece of pizza!!!!! It just didn't seem like a big deal to me. It was an honest mistake and I felt awful, especially because I had been making such an effort to try and be friendly towards her in spite of her mean attitude. I called my mom crying like crazy and it was just awful!!! I didn't understand one bit why it was such a big deal.

 

The next day, my boyfriend decided to talk to his sister about the problem. She told him that she didn't like me since the minute she found out I liked country music. She also said that I was stuck up. I admit, I can be shy around certain people, but I am not shy once I get to know them a bit. My boyfriend tried to explain this to her, but she would have none of it. That was hard to hear because I try pretty hard to be friendly around her. She continued on to say that she didn't like the fact that when I stayed over, I didn't like the dogs to stay in my boyfriend's room. So, therefore, the dogs had to stay in her room. Now, lets make this clear. They are her dogs. So she was mad because her dogs had to stay in her room. They would cry because they like my boyfriend better and would want in his room. I love dogs, but I really just don't like them sleeping on the bed. And they aren't small dogs. One is a rottweiler. So she also hated me for that. And that was it.

 

Now, I didn't know if I should be more or less upset by that. I really didn't do anything wrong. But when I say she hates me, I don't mean dislike. I mean she really really hates me.

 

And his mom hates me too, a lot. And her reason is even better. She lives about four hours away from my boyfriend, so he rarely sees her, and I've not had more than a 2 minute conversation with her. She doesn't know me at all. And why does the mom hate me? Because I remind her of some aunt in the family that the mom doesn't like. This aunt that I've never met. I have no idea why I remind her of this aunt, especially because she doesn't know me at all.

 

Once again, my boyfriend decided to talk to her about this. She said that she realizes that she doesn't really have a good reason to hate me, but gets mad because my boyfriend come up to visit me at school. She hates me because he makes "bad decisions" (using money to drive up and see me) and then she blames his decisions on me and uses that as a reason to hate me. This is combined with the aunt thing. And she really really hates me too!!! She said right to my face that she doesn't plan on changing her attitude about me, and won't try to.

 

For an example of the "bad decision thing". Last Easter, my boyfriend told his mom he'd be home for Easter dinner. Well, I guess she supposed he would be there for the whole weekend or something, which he was not planning on. He came to visit me and then was going to stop there for a visit with the family on his way back downstate. He would stay for one night with his mom. She called one night and just started screaming at him for being up with me!!! She called me some really really awful names, and once again I broke down and called my mom all upset. Just because he came up to see me instead of being down there. Granted, he was still going down there the next day. It was just really bad. The whole night was ruined.

 

So, finally, last weekened we were going to stay at my boyfriends place for one night. We showed up at the door, and his sister slammed it in our face. My boyfriend went in to see what was up and she said that we couldn't stay there. He was extremely mad because he does pay rent to stay there. So he grabbed some blankets and stormed out of the house. As he was leaving, his sister told him there are more blankets in the closet if he wanted them, all sarcastic like. So she left us to spend a very cold Michigan winter night in my car. Great. We didn't have enough money to make it to my parent's house, which is about an hour away.

 

Being as mad about this as he was, he decided to move out and come live with me. Now, we had been talking about doing this for a long time. It was not a spur of the moment decision. It was just the right time. When he told his sister, this, she told him that if he moved in with me, I would be all he has because the whole family hates him and will not talk to him.

 

He still plans on moving in with me. He figures I did nothing wrong. He does not want to have to choose between me and the family, but they have given him no choice (according to him). This is very difficult for him because he was very close to his family growing up.

 

I feel awful that this has happened. I hate to be the one that ruins the relationship with his family, but I really did nothing wrong! I mean, our relationship together is amazing, but today I contemplated breaking up with him just so he can save the relationship with his family. But we shouldn't have to make that sacrifice!!!

 

I am completely perplexed. He is his mother's youngest child and only son, so I can sort of see where she would have some jealousy issues with that. But this just seems to be taking it to a whole different level.

 

So far, I have just been ignoring the problem. Continuing to be polite when I go over and just acting like there is no problem.

 

I do not know if I should confront the sister or mom with these issues, write a letter, or let this whole thing (hopefully) blow over. So far I have not written a letter because I feel like I shouldn't have to and I really don't want to!!!

 

I do hate how this is stressing my boyfriend out, though, and it doesn't make me feel great either.

 

Thank you for any advice!!!!

 

-Amanda

[BeautifulMystique]

I made it through your long post. No offense, just wanted to put a smile on your face. Hope it worked?

 

Writing a letter or confronting them will only make things much worse. This is really tough! If he moves in with you, his family will disown him. Maybe 'disown' is too strong of a word but they will not talk to him so the word is pretty accurate. I didn't know it's possible to hate someone because your taste in music differs from hers. Goes to show that there are weird people out there.

 

If I was in your position, I would leave him even if I am deeply in love with him. I don't want my man to resent me in the future if things don't work out. You're in a very tough situation. I can handle it if it was just his sister but his mother hates you too. His sister and mother sound like a bunch of exaggerated people.

[Jilly Bean]

Sorry, but I couldn't make it all the way through the post, but I got the gist...

 

I don't like country music, but I wouldn't hate someone over it. I also wouldn't feel comfy about someone's Rot sleeping in my bed. Some of those doggies can be vicious! And though I like my pizza as much as the next, I don't think I'd be getting postal over someone taking a slice by accident.

 

Point is, they are out for you, and they do seem to like to try and control your bf.

 

There is really only one solution, as I see it. Either he stands up to them on your behalf and tells them you are not going anywhere and they better shape up, or else you have to end it. If he won't tell them to back down, then you will be in this situation eternally...

[curiousnycgirl]

I agree that you cannot step in and send a letter, that will only make matters worse. Continue to be polite and pleasant when you are there, bring a hostess gift if you are invited to a meal or a weekend, but otherwise stay out of it.

 

I do not agree that you need to end the relationship becuase of this. It is your b/f's issue to deal with and I believe he has.

 

My family is similar to his. They do not like my b/f because he is from a different culture and different religion than my family. I told them that I choose to spend my time with him, so either he is included in their invitations, AND they behave themselves around him, or they are choosing not to see me. They have chosen to behave themselves.

 

It sounds to me like your b/f's family is very controlling and are cranky because they are not getting their way. They will get over it. It also sounds to me like your b/f is taking a stand (the right one in my opinion) and for that you should be glad. Often the person caught in the middle does not take a stand and tries to make everyone happy - that never works.

 

Good luck and keep posting!

[tomwiz]

Somethings odd here...It just doesnt sound rational that seperate members of the family would dislike you for no reason.

[dutchie]

Somethings odd here...It just doesnt sound rational that seperate members of the family would dislike you for no reason.

 

That is what I was thinking too, especially since you claim they HATE you. That is pretty extreme, but I can relate sort of.

 

My own bf's family does similar things, although most of them live really far away, so I very rarely get to see them. But when I do, no one talks to me, says hello, asks how I am doing. Nothing, like I am not even there. So, I understand feeling uncomfortable, but I just try to be as nice as I can and go with it.

 

Also, I try to look at it not as they HATE me, but they are just acting stupid, closed-minded and elitist. They have no valid reason to hate me, so, being a somewhat rational person, I am trying to take that into consideration.

 

I agree with the other posters to STAY OUT OF IT. This is between your bf and them, and if you try to get involved, it will make them wierder and really, all this boils down to is that the bf needs to step up and say that you are here to stay, and if they can't deal with it, then tough sh*t.

 

If he doesn't do that or is too scared to stand up to them or whatever, then I would break it off. (I am trying to decide this myself:confused:)

 

Resentment is a very powerful and ugly monster, and if he "gives up" his familial relationships to be with you it can come back to haunt you.

 

Good luck!

[gonetildecember]

Somethings odd here...It just doesnt sound rational that seperate members of the family would dislike you for no reason.

 

 

It has happened to a friend of mine. The family members communicated with eachother and the other person got this whole evil picture before she had even met my friend, so that when she did her opinion was already biased and she had already decided she didn't like her.

 

I feel for you.

I've never been in a situation this extreme. Things are good, so I would not suggest you end it, but you guys do have to find a way to rectify the situation... or it will cause issues for your family.

 

By giving him an ultimatum they are expecting him to cave and choose him, by choosing you.. yeah they will probably be upset for a while, but will probably "change" (or at least tell him that) just to get to see him.

 

You haven't really done anything, so you can't really fix it.. but I really hope they do smarten up.