Cannondale Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 Well I have been in a relationship with my gf for a bit over 3 mo. now. Things were great at first, we always had an awesome time together and and everything was just great. But as of the last couple of weeks it has not been going so well, we started arguing/fighting about things. She thinks I put my friends and career before her, I don't think she appreciates what I do for her enough etc. etc. Two weeks ago she told me that if the fighting doesn't stop, it will end. I told her I agreed that stuff needed to get back to "normal", but to be contemplating on pulling the plug after a few fights I think is a bit ridiculous. She was in a LTR before me with a not so nice guy, so she just doesn't seem to want to deal with any issues in our relationship. Stuff has been going better fighting wise lately, but we still seem to get into little riffs. about things here and there. I generally don't make a big deal about them, she however does and she just seems to expect everything to be perfect all of the time, thats just impossible in my mind. Now it just seems awkward at least for me in the relationship. It just seems like there is a lot of tension I guess between us when were together and the "spark" seems to be fading fast. I guess I just don't know what to do, my friends have told me to end it as it is just not worth the hassle etc. But my Mom on the other hand loves her and wants me to stay with her. I want to stay with her and have things work out, but I just don't know if they will. It's just hard because I do love her, I know sounds nuts, but I do. She says she loves me too and that she wants to make things work. So I guess my question is, what can I do if anything to make this work? Thanks
pirate_amanda Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 Your girlfriend sounds like me--I accuse my boyfriend of the same things (caring more about his job, etc) We've found that its the little things that help. For example, if you guys can't be together, send her a sweet text message or something. Leave little notes hidden in her car or room. Just little reminders to let her know you are still thinking of her. Also, little fights are a normal part of any relationship. I think you guys need to sit back and think about why you are having so many little fights. There may be an underlying problem (you putting other things ahead of her?). If you can solve that underlying problem, things might end up being really great. Also, if she thinks that you put your friends above her, have you tried bringing her along once in a while when you go out with your friends? That might help too. I wouldn't give up on it yet!!! But remember, its up to you whether you stay with her, not your mom.
Author Cannondale Posted November 29, 2007 Author Posted November 29, 2007 Thats the thing, I feel like I make her my world and it's not good enough for her. I mean when she says I put my friends in front of her, I just don't see where she is coming from. Over the last 3 mo. I have seen my friends all of maybe 5 times, the rest of my free time has been spent with her. And the thing about my mom, she never really approved of my past gf's, so to have her actually encouraging me to stay with her means a lot and just makes me want to make it work more. But thanks for the advice, I'll deff. give it a shot!.
Ruthieo01 Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 I have found in past relationships that I have been in, when you first start dating you want to be together all the time! You NEVER want to be a part. But at some point in time whenever it be three monrth or a year you will come off of the 'high' and want to hang out with other people. That isn't bad, but it can make her feel like that you are losing interest and she is scared of the being dumped or rejected part yet again. Like PA said, leave here little love notes or texts when you not together. That way she doens't feel like you just don't care that she is no where to be found. Don't give up on it, but don't stay with someone because MOM wants you too. You are the one with her not your mom. You can find someone else that she will approve of, if this doesn't work out Good luck, hope that helps
BeautifulMystique Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 There must be a balance in a relationship. You have to give and take. If one keeps on giving, the other will take advantage of it. I'm not saying that your girlfriend is taking advantage of you but for you to spend only 5 times in 3 months with your friends and the rest with her, that's too much! Doesn't she have friends of her own? The first thing I tell a guy when he wants to get serious is that my friends come first because if anything were to happen between us, my friends are the ones to support me to get through it. I won't neglect him but I will make sure I balance it out so that none of them feel neglected. Like pirate_amanda suggested, send her text messages whenever you're out with your friends so that she knows you're thinking of her. Tell her you miss her and can't wait to see her the next time. Give her lots of kisses when you see her next so that the next time you're out with your friends, she knows what to expect on the next date!
Author Cannondale Posted November 29, 2007 Author Posted November 29, 2007 Thanks for the responses, it's nice to hear stuff from the female point of view. I deff. feel like I have been spending a bit too much time with her, and there have certainly been times where I just wanted to go with my friends or just hangout on my own. But I think you have hit the nail on the head, she thinks my friends are almost a "threat" to her. I mean she does have friends of her own, but she doesn't hangout with them bec. she is with me all the time and in the past she was always with her ex. She told me some other stuff to the effect of that she was always there waiting for me while I came and went as I pleased. This is simply not true, but I think she thinks those few times I was with my friends I was doing it to blow her off. But yeah, a balance deff. needs to be set-up here, I never really thought about that until now.... Keep the advice coming!.
BeautifulMystique Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 You're very welcome. I hope it helped in some ways. This is embarrassing for me to admit because it was one of my bad habits that I hated so much and have overcome with 2 years ago. I was in the same shoe as your girlfriend. I dated my ex for 3 years and the first 5 months of it, we spent every single day together! I neglected my friends and so did he. He didn't have a lot of friends come to think of it . On the 6th month, he started playing basketball with his cousins and made some friends. They would hang out every other day or every 4 or 5 days. They would visit him and spent time on video games which I, of course ws neglected and I was so mad at him! I couldn't call up my girlfriends to hang out with as they were all mad at me for neglecting them so I spent my alone time at home pouting and making my boyfriend feel miserable for neglecting me. It put a strain in our relationship. We were constantly at each other's throat and we were both stubborn so we always end up not talking for days. I hated it that I waited for him to make plans with me and stopped making plans of my own for fear that he might change his plans to go out with me! During those days apart, I start thinking back when I was not attached. I had a life. I was always out with my friends, I'm always at parties or just spending time with family and friends. So why did I change? Why the constant need of spending time with my ex every single day? It was because it started that way and I thought it should be that way until the day we get bored of each other! I started thinking of who should I talk to if things got worse between us seeing that I neglected my friends? I panicked and thought the best thing was to talk to him and make things right again with my friends. That I did and I learned from that experience to not ever neglect or put my friends behind my relationship with a guy. I hope your girlfriend will open her eyes and see that it isn't always about the two of you. Relationship before marriage should be about exploring each other, what works and doesn't work with each other. When you're committed to LTR or marriage, you will be with each other EVERY DAY. I don't think you should be spending time every day until that day comes.
Author Cannondale Posted November 29, 2007 Author Posted November 29, 2007 ^I agree, deff. needs to be a balance here that has been lacking. I'm not trying to put all of the blame on her, I've certainly done things wrong in the relationship, and I can see why she may see my friends as a threat to her. I did one time push my plans back with her in order to see one of my buddies from college. This wasn't right and I apologized to her about it, but she still brings it up when we get into fights.
Author Cannondale Posted November 29, 2007 Author Posted November 29, 2007 Another thing that she has been doing recently is trying to set up plans with her friends in an attempt to "rub" it in my face. Last time she tried this, her friends pretty much ditched her, but I can see her still trying to do it with her other friends. I don't care at all that she wants to be with her friends some, because I feel the same way, but she just seems to be doing it in an attempt to almost "get back" at me. It's just annoying. One other thing is she has canceled out on plans to go to family events with me recently. She was always very excited and loved going to them with me before, now she just says shes "too shy" to go, if thats the case why wasn't she "too shy" to go before?....
BeautifulMystique Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 Was that buddy of yours from out of town? If that was the case, I wouldn't feel bad about it neither would I bring it up because he did after all, came all the way down from his place (assuming it was an out of town friend). She isn't playing games to see if you would cancel plans just for her, is she? It's almost as if she is crying wolf just to see if you cared? Your girlfriend probably is used to spending a lot of time with a partner so she still doesn't seem to grasp the concept of having some alone time with friends. Have you talked about this? Really tell her how you feel? As for canceling the family event, it could be something that has occurred that might have made her changed her mind
Author Cannondale Posted November 30, 2007 Author Posted November 30, 2007 More fun to tell you of, lol. Well she told me she was talking to a guy online, this guy I know her friend had tired to hook her up with in the past. I didn't say much about it as first wasnt my place. Then I sort of brought it up to her and said that I trust her but not him etc. She got pretty pissed about it and then automatically thought I was thinking she was trying to get somthing going with this guy. I told her I didnt, but how am I supposed to know what this guys intentions are?. She's questioned me about girls I talk to in the past and I didnt get pissed about, why does she? Is this somthing to worry about? I do trust her, but it seems a bit fishy to me, exsp. how she got all bent out of shape about it.
BeautifulMystique Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 I don't know why she got pissed! I don't get pissed off whenever my ex-boyfriend questioned me unless he kept bringing up the same thing over and over again. Do you know your girlfriend well, Cannondale? Do you really trust her? I asked because you seem to have some doubts but I'm not too sure what it is besides the fact that she seems clingy.
Author Cannondale Posted November 30, 2007 Author Posted November 30, 2007 I don't really have any doubts, but it just struck me as odd bec. she got all pissy about it. I mean if nothing was going on I would think she would want to reasure me about the relationship, not get bent out of shape. But she is quite moody at times, so who knows, could be anything. I mean why is it ok for her to question me about girls I know, but I can't do it to her without her getting pissed?. Just seems very odd to me.... Oh yeah, the buddy of mine was from out of town, he goes to college in another state and I had not seen him in a few weeks.
BeautifulMystique Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 I really don't see why she made a big deal about breaking off the date to meet up with your friend from out of town. I guess to some girls it is a big deal but for me, if my man has a friend out of town visiting, then fine go ahead and I'll do something with my friends or go somewhere myself. Sometimes we just need some alone time.
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