complicatedlife Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 I began to feel overwhelmed about my situation so I went to see a therapist this AM and couldn't wait to come on here and post to get some opinions: I tell the therpist all that has happened and you know what he said? To summarize, that he believes that my MM has true feelings for me (not that I needed that validated, because I have no doubts that he cares) and that he is going to be on an emotional roller coaster for a little while and it is completely "understandable". Then he says that I should decide if I want to wait for him. What? I thought the therapist is supposed to dissuade you from doing something self destructive? It's like he didn't discourage our relationship! The only thing that was not confusing was that he said I was being "saintly" and tolerating much - that if I don't want to hear about all of the problems I should say so. Here is the biggest thing that's confusing: I told him that he invited me to go away for a few days after Christmas so we could spend New Year's together, and the therapist thinks it would be good for me to get away! Someone please tell me if you think I need to change therapists - this one came highly recommended, but I am even MORE confused!
EnigmaXOXO Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 Sounds like your therapist might be having an affair of his own. Seriously though, councilors aren’t suppose to try to talk anyone into making a decision one way or the other. Rather help you to sort out your own thoughts and feelings so you reach a happier conclusion for yourself. Chances are he’s gotten the impression that you “want” to be in this situation and you’re looking for support in how to better manage that. Now, if you had gone in saying: “I’m in a troubling situation ... and need some guidance in sorting through all the confusion" ... his approach may have been different. Of course, I’m giving this guy the benefit of the doubt. It’s unusual to just jump in and start making suggestions like that during your first session without taking the time to get to really get to know you and you’re situation a little better. You also have to consider that clients will frequently misinterpret something that the therapist has said (or suggested) and apply their own meaning to it so that it “fits” what they already want to believe. Happens all the time. Especially in couples counseling, when two people will take something the counselor has said and distort it so they can use it later on as ammunition against one another at home. Then again ... there’s always a few loose cannons in any professional field. I have met three of them myself (shudders). I’d give it another one or two tries, and if this guy still feels “off” to you ... then trust those gut instincts and find someone else. Besides, I think you could benefit a lot from learning to rely on your own intuitions a little more. My feeling is that you’ve already got them ... you just haven’t figured out whether or not you can “trust” them.
frannie Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 ... To summarize, that he believes that my MM has true feelings for me (not that I needed that validated, because I have no doubts that he cares) and that he is going to be on an emotional roller coaster for a little while and it is completely "understandable". Then he says that I should decide if I want to wait for him. What? I thought the therapist is supposed to dissuade you from doing something self destructive? I don't think any counsellor worth their salt would TELL you what to do, how to think, or anything of that nature. The counsellor is there to help you to take control of your life, make decisions for yourself, and own responsibility for those decisions. Which is why he has told you to decide for yourself.
kchiapet95 Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 The counsellor is there to help you to take control of your life, make decisions for yourself, and own responsibility for those decisions. Yup. My therapist never tells me one way or the other. Last night she said, "Recognize your vulnerability, you need him right now, but harbor no illusions." It was excellent advice.
Owl Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 I'd agree with the other posters. It sounds to me as though your counselor 'knew better' than to try to talk you out of the relationship. Instead, he tried to help you set your expectations and boundaries. I'm curious tho. What would you have told your counselor if he HAD told you to end the affair? Would you have argued with him about why you needed to continue it, or have taken his advice? If you expected him to tell you to end it, why did you go in the first place? Or were you looking for validation in making a choice that you know you need to make, but wanted his support for that choice? Do you know that its a "self-destructive" action, and are looking for reasons outside of your own judgement to end the affair?
Trialbyfire Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 A qualified therapist will never tell you what to do. They listen to you, sort through your wants/needs and help to guide you through your decision-making process(es). In essence, they help you create coping tools for experience-overload, beyond your realm of expertise. If this is your first therapy session, something is seriously wrong. Try not to project your desires or misunderstand what the therapist is saying. If you're not projecting or misunderstanding, get a new therapist or you'll be in deep-kimchi from not learning how to properly cope.
Author complicatedlife Posted November 29, 2007 Author Posted November 29, 2007 Intuitively, I am being pulled in 2 directions - 1 is to wait a little while and see what happens, the other says to leave him alone because of the chance that I could be hurt. I am the type of person that is very much led by my guilt - I hate hurting people - it makes me feel awful, and sometimes that interferes with what I need to do for ME. Sigh. This is all so hard, and in some ways makes me a little angry with him that he is so ambivalent about everything - some days he wants to go back, some days he doesn't. The combination of all of these things that I have mentioned here is very difficult to sort through. This was my second visit. He always says, "How do YOU feel about that?" So, I've been completely honest and said I am confused - I want to be there for him, I care about him, I want to have the friendship we had if we are not to be together, yet in all of that, I do care about ME first. He gave me an assignment - to think about 3 different ways that I could handle the situation, to be discussed at the next visit. So, I am not sure about making him think that I WANT to be in this, I just say everything that I think and where my emotions are. Thanks again for all of your replies...please send more, they really do help
TogetherForever Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 Yup. My therapist never tells me one way or the other. Last night she said, "Recognize your vulnerability, you need him right now, but harbor no illusions." It was excellent advice. "Recognize your vulnerability, you need him right now, but harbor no illusions." Yes, that is excellent advice kchia;).
Meaplus3 Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 I began to feel overwhelmed about my situation so I went to see a therapist this AM and couldn't wait to come on here and post to get some opinions: I tell the therpist all that has happened and you know what he said? To summarize, that he believes that my MM has true feelings for me (not that I needed that validated, because I have no doubts that he cares) and that he is going to be on an emotional roller coaster for a little while and it is completely "understandable". Then he says that I should decide if I want to wait for him. What? I thought the therapist is supposed to dissuade you from doing something self destructive? It's like he didn't discourage our relationship! The only thing that was not confusing was that he said I was being "saintly" and tolerating much - that if I don't want to hear about all of the problems I should say so. Here is the biggest thing that's confusing: I told him that he invited me to go away for a few days after Christmas so we could spend New Year's together, and the therapist thinks it would be good for me to get away! Someone please tell me if you think I need to change therapists - this one came highly recommended, but I am even MORE confused! CL, My first Therapist sound's alot like the one you have now and I had to find a new one for mainly the same reason's. Well, also the fact that he alway's said I was so "Beuatiful" and that I felt was very inappropriate coming from a professional. The second Therapist I had was wonderful! He taught me all these little trick's to cope and to distract my self from mm, it worked wonder's for me. You could give him one more try and see how it goes, then make your decesion. Good Luck. AP:)
EnigmaXOXO Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 He gave me an assignment - to think about 3 different ways that I could handle the situation, to be discussed at the next visit. I like that!
Phateless Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 My understanding of therapy is that you should not be advised on what to do, so much as your feelings discussed, if that makes sense. When I was in therapy, he never wanted to tell me what he thought was best, but only discussed things with me to help me sort it out on my own. If something was a bad idea he would relate that he thought that but made sure to leave it up to me. I'm shocked that your therapist advises spending any time with this guy... wtf?
Author complicatedlife Posted November 29, 2007 Author Posted November 29, 2007 CL, My first Therapist sound's alot like the one you have now and I had to find a new one for mainly the same reason's. Well, also the fact that he alway's said I was so "Beuatiful" and that I felt was very inappropriate coming from a professional. The second Therapist I had was wonderful! He taught me all these little trick's to cope and to distract my self from mm, it worked wonder's for me. You could give him one more try and see how it goes, then make your decesion. Good Luck. AP:) Going to my next session before I decide - is that you in the avatar? If so, you ARE pretty, but that was inappropriate to say!
Author complicatedlife Posted November 29, 2007 Author Posted November 29, 2007 I'm shocked that your therapist advises spending any time with this guy... wtf? This is the part I REALLY, REALLY don't get.
sarme Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 There is absolultely nothing wrong with what your therapist is doing, he is a typical therapist and I would not get worked up about what he told you. You might have a misconception of what a therapist is to do... A therapist, unlike a regular person whom you would have this convresation with is not there to judge you. A good therapist leaves his or her biasses aside and give sneutral thoughts fed back on what you give him to work with. He sees that you are inclined to be with this man and something you alluded to in the session has made him see what you are inclined to do and is just helping you along with the decision you already made it must be clear to him that you are inclined to do as he recommended which is why he is also pushing for it. He could just be testing your waters, which in any event is also very much what they are there to do. Don't expect to get too much opposing advice or to be talked out of what society or even what you deem and struggle with because it is wrong. A therapist's job is not to be your moral voice of reason his job is to guide you through your own thought process and decissions. When my honey and I started therapy at the begining of our relationship a lot of what was discussed in our sessions was atypical and our councellor had to work with our reality, not try to talk us out of what we were doing contrary to what the average joe might want us to do. Not sure how long you have been going for but if you just started give it a chance and see, if you feel you need someone to talk you out of being involved with your man then I don't think therapy is what you need, you already have your answer and you should just save your $$ and end the relationship all on your own, you can do it.
Trialbyfire Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 One thing I forgot to mention. Don't be afraid to challenge what your therapist says. It really helps to clarify what they mean. The last thing you want is for any form of misunderstanding, to help you get through your issues.
Phateless Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 This is the part I REALLY, REALLY don't get. He might have been challenging you to reevaluate your own behavior. By him telling you to go ahead with it, you're already questioning the idea. This might be exactly what you needed to get you to take action and end it. I'm not saying he was manipulating you, he might just be giving you bad advice. <shrug>
GreenEyedLady Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 I began to feel overwhelmed about my situation so I went to see a therapist this AM and couldn't wait to come on here and post to get some opinions: I tell the therpist all that has happened and you know what he said? To summarize, that he believes that my MM has true feelings for me (not that I needed that validated, because I have no doubts that he cares) and that he is going to be on an emotional roller coaster for a little while and it is completely "understandable". Then he says that I should decide if I want to wait for him. What? I thought the therapist is supposed to dissuade you from doing something self destructive? It's like he didn't discourage our relationship! The only thing that was not confusing was that he said I was being "saintly" and tolerating much - that if I don't want to hear about all of the problems I should say so. Here is the biggest thing that's confusing: I told him that he invited me to go away for a few days after Christmas so we could spend New Year's together, and the therapist thinks it would be good for me to get away! Someone please tell me if you think I need to change therapists - this one came highly recommended, but I am even MORE confused! A good therapist won't tell you what to do...That's not their job...Their job is to help you deal with your issues and do what's best for you...They will help lead you by what you tell them... If you want someone to tell you to stop and that you're wrong, then go to church counseling...They'll tell you right off what to do... Your therapist will explore your feelings with you and in the end, it's you who will have to decide what to do... I'm glad that you went...it'll help... (((HUGS)))
whichwayisup Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 You need another therapist, this one is not helping you. Everyone else is right, they're not supposed to tell you what to do, let alone confuse you even more. Obviously this guy isn't the right person, so please find someone else!
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