lexi29 Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 My bf of 3 yrs and I recently split up and got back together (we were apart about two months) He has an 8yr old son he has full custody of. I've known his son since he was 2 yrs old. Been in his life steadily for the last 3 almost 4 yrs. Before my bf and I split up his son and I were close. I would pick him up from school about once a week and we'd go do our own thing just the two of us. Normally I'd take him to the park, out to eat or I'd just rent one of his favorite movies and watch it with him. My bf says no one he's dated has treated his son so well. I treat him like I"m his aunt or something. Most of the time we've always gotten along. There have been a few times that my bf's son has gotten jealous of me being in his dad's life. but those were few and far between. When my bf and I got back together his son was overjoyed. He keeps talking about how he wants his dad and me to get married. Two days after we got back together my bf's son was sticking to me like glue. He wanted to go everywhere with me, cuddled with me for hours, held my hand when we were walking anywhere. He's not as clingy now (about a month later) but he still wants "cuddle time" every day and he will sit and watch tv shows that he normally isn't interested in (CSI, Grey's anatomy) just to be able to sit and snuggle with me on the couch. He would rather do this then play with his friends. He also wants to please me very badly. I noticed this when we went to rent movies. I told him to pick out a dvd he wanted to watch (he likes cartoons) he asked me if I like scary movies and I said sure sometimes so he suddenly wanted to watch a scary movie because I expressed interest in it. I talked him into the cartoon though. Last night he wanted his dad to take him to the store because he wanted a chocolate cupcake. He ended up crying because his dad said he'd have to eat dinner first. He threw a small fit. Once he did what he was told his dad took him (with me) to get the treat. His dad gave him two dollars and told him to get what he wanted. Well he'd talked about this chocolate cupcake for practically an hour! When we got to the store he asked if I liked chocolate cupcakes and I said not really and suddenly he didnt' want a chocolate cupcake. He wanted to buy ME something that I would like. He ended up getting something entirely different than what he originally wanted. Also lately he is very touchy-feely with me. He constantly wants to sit on my lap, cuddle with me, he sees me holding hands with his dad or his dad putting his hand on my arm or leg and he does the exact same thing. It is really weird. and lately he gets upset and says I love his dad more than I love him if I snuggle with his dad. Every time I leave their house we do a group hug (all hug eachother) (his son's idea) and his son loves it but then he always wants to hug me alone too. And ever since we got back together his son tells me "I Love you" every day. The 2nd day my bf and I got back together his son wrote me a note telling me he loves me and wanted to know if I still love him. I told him I most certainly do. I wrote him a little note saying I love him and he keeps it in his pillow case. his dad says sometimes he takes it out and looks at it before bedtime. He will make me little presents and give them to me. When I leave from seeing them I will call his dad to tell him I made it home safely. His son likes it when I call him or at least talk to him during those calls. His latest thing is making me feel like its a contest between him and his dad of who I like better. If his dad is sitting on the couch next to me his son will come and put his arm around me like we are on a date or something! Its very strange. I'm taking it as the normal affections of an 8yr old (he is very affectionate with his dad as well, always cuddling with him, wanting to be tickled by him and telling him he loves him. Even when my bf's son has friends his own age over he will still sit on my lap, snuggle and hug me in front of them. I should point out I have no kids so thats why I"m wondering if these behaviors are normal.
Kenyth Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 I don't think it's unusual at all given the circumstances. A combination of insecurity because of his split parents, and a crush on you because you are not his biological mother. Getting a crush on a prominent adult in a childs life is very common in the pre-teen years. The things you and dad can do are pretty simple. Make some boundaries. If certain contact is making you uncomfortable because you feel it somewhat sexual in nature, make sure to let him know that you don't approve while assuring him that you still love him.
Enema Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 What's the story with the boy's mother? Maybe he has abandonment issues and is projecting his fears onto you as possessiveness.
Author lexi29 Posted November 29, 2007 Author Posted November 29, 2007 Ah his mother- don't get me started- she abandoned him when he was a year old. gave him to his dad and never came back. Stayed away for two years then came and picked him up one day (he didn't know who she was) and wanted him to live with her full time. Wouldn't even let my bf see him anymore. This went on for about two months and my bf took her to court. The judge issued a shared parenting agreement that basically said the two of them could decide what to do. He lived with his mom when it was convenient for her for a year. Then she got tired of him and "gave" him back to my bf. (this was all by the time he was four years old.) When he started school his mom again took him away, went after my bf for child support and made her son live with her while he was in his first year of school. She then told my bf he could have him for the summer. This turned into the next year (she told my bf as long as he kept sending her the child support check he could keep their son!) he did so because he didn't want the child anywhere but living with him. Finally he went to court again (the child's mother refused to show up for the court case and even moved addresses without telling anyone) My bf "won" the court case gaining full custody and the mother has visitation now. This was 2 years ago. Before this the boy's mother (in 2005 she saw him exactly 4 times the whole year) picked and chose when she wanted to see him. She lives 10 minutes from my bf. So yes, I am SURE he has abandonement issues. His mother is doing better- for the last year or so she has stuck to the visitation of every other weekend. I'm glad she's made the change because before he never knew if he'd see his mom or not. I don't think his attention is sexual in nature (an eight year old!?) and it doesnt' entirely make me uncomfortable but it just seems like he is competing with his dad for my affection and attention and gets irritated if I show affection to his dad and don't immediately show him MORE affection. Like its a contest. Does that make any sense?
reboot Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 He's just looking for love. Give it to him. Don't try to psychoanalyze it. Just love him. There's not much in this nasty, old world of ours more precious than the love of a child.
nalbath Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 It's only a contest if you make it seem like one. Just ignore his "competition". All kids go through that. They are very "self-centered" beings. He will grow out of it, I'm sure. I don't see anything wrong with him wanting to "cuddle" with you, you are like his mother. In fact, you hold that position. Stop having second thoughts about everything, and let him be the nice caring little boy he is. Could it be that he just missed you while you and your bf broke up? He was apart of the relationship between you and your SO just as much as your SO..He's a person too, and has feelings. You should just go with the flow. Don't make him feel like you suspect anything, because if you do, then he'll know he can get between your relationship with his father. You have to understand that you have two seperate relationships. Your relationship with your SO is totally different that your relationship with your step-son. If I was in your position, I would feel special in knowing that my bf's son looked up to me as a mother figure.
Author lexi29 Posted December 3, 2007 Author Posted December 3, 2007 I welcome the attention from him and make sure I give him plenty in return. I understand he is probably a bit insecure (and has abandonment issues) and I try to make him feel comfortable. However it was becoming a little strange to me that he chose to show his affection in ways similiar to the way my bf does. (he would put his arm around me on the couch, want me to lay my head on his legs, he will put his hand on my thigh or my knee and rub my leg once in awhile, he will sit on the couch and hold my hand. As I said before I dont' have children so I dont' know if this is normal. While its not sexualized or anything it just seemed a little odd that he would be watching his dad and doing the same things his dad does with me. Also I don't think he really sees me as a mother figure- not so much now but before my bf and I broke up his son would get angry if I acted like his mother. Once I tried to help him with his homework and he yelled at me "you're not my mother!" and I explained that, no he already has a mom and I'm not going to take her place but I'm his friend and friends can help him with his homework. also if we are out somewhere and people often mistake me for his mother he will correct them. none of this has happened since my bf and I got back together but since we did get back together that is when his son got extremely affectionate with me. As long as its normal and its not hurting him I don't mind it.
freckles3131 Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 Little boys want to be like dad. Dad uses tools, the son will want to use tools, dad shaves the son will want to shave. Dad shows affection to you, he is showing affection to you. Because they look up to their dad's and emulate them. It's perfectly normal. Plus with everything else, children just want to be loved and nurtured. You just need to set the limits and remind him certain things are done just between adults.
Citizen Erased Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 He missed you during the breakup with his dad. Simple as that. It is really very sweet.
Rachel_0814p Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 This boy just needs unconditional love. The "mother figure" in his life has rejected him, and he's hoping against hope that you're never going to leave. An explanation of the difference between the love between you and his dad and the love between you and he may help. Just keep the conversation about that very basic and on his level, but reassure him that, though you love his dad, you also love him and have more than enough room in your heart for the both of them. Perfect advice! Exactly what I was thinking. This kid does see you as a mother figure, whether or not you do the "motherly" things in his life (like washing clothes, putting him to bed, etc.). He probably freaked out during the two months when you and your BF were apart and now that you're back he's latching on for dear life. I think that explaining the differences in the way you love his dad and the way you love him will help the situation tremendously. Explain to him how the three of you fit into eachother's lives and also explain how it will change or not change once you and your BF marry (IF you're planning on marrying, that is). Setting boundaries and readjusting his expectations will benefit all of you greatly. He's just a little boy who doesn't understand how relationships work yet.
MissMaris Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 This is interesting because my best friend is in a situation very similar to yours. Her boyfriend has a 10 year old son who went through various phases with her. Some were affectionate phases and some were not. Anyway, his mother abandoned HIM at a young age too! Today he has a somewhat OK relationship with his mother but she is pretty screwy, truth be told. Anyway, my friend told me that during the affectionate phases, he would cling to her, hold her hand, draw her pictures, make plates of cookies for her and snuggle a lot. Sometimes it threw her off, because he might have been acting cool or distant the week before. Children have very intense emotions. I would just ride this phase out. At least it's a sweet one! Just expect other phases to come along, too. Some may be where he 'tests' you and starts acting out. I think it's all normal
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