loquaciousl Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 I don't get men. I really don't. Long story short. BF and I broke up over a month ago. He dumps me via email, citing he's not in love with me anymore, and hadn't been for the last two months of our relationship. He says he doesn't feel I'm his "one." So, of course I'm devestated, although we had our problems I thought it was circumstantial stuff....and then he dropped the bomb. For the first few weeks after the break up I had the hardest time dealing. I was quite upset by the loss. After a few painful convos we didn't talk for awhile. He had been a friend on m.s. and I deleted him. I then added him back later.... Flash forward to Thanksgiving. He calls me for the first time since we broke up. We have a trivial convo and he says he's sorry about how things ended. I played it cool...I was civil although my heart was beating a mile a minute. Out of the blue the other day he comments on a blog I'd written...he says that he wishes I would "get past" what happened so we could "hang out" again, because, "weren't we friends once?" I email him and say that I couldn't hang out with him anytime soon because I still have feelings for him and need to separate myself from the situation more. Then tonight, another website we're on as "friends" I took down because I don't care for it, and just want my m.s. account. Then, I go to my m.s. account and HE deleted himself!! This is childish and lame I know.... my question is this. If he dumped me, why in heck does he care what I do? Why does he contact me? What is this "friends" crap? My friends say he's being selfish and not taking me into consideration. At this juncture I don't want him back...I have cried too many tears and hurt too badly to keep feeling like crap, you know? But I am SO curious why he's doing this....you know? Please give insight.
PLAYBRAT Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 Wow...what a turd. Hmmm can't say for SURE why he's doing it... But the fact he said why can;t you just get over it"...WOW... I don;t think he will be scoring any points here. Anyway...I agree .He is being selfish and yes...childish. He could be doing these things because you aren;t falling all over yourself to "hang out" with him...and SO happy he is offering you the consolation prize of his "friendship". He probably misses having the comfort of knowing you're there at his convenience.... I would stay in NC for now and continue to move on from him... If he is SINCERE he will make MORE of an effort.
kitkat289 Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 right because he's not comfortable without you in his lfe.that's it! he;s being selfish...the worst part after the break-up is these puzzling circumstance,these questions that keep hitting our mind and we just keep analyysing and analysing and become more sick every day.Do not give in to his convenience and be distant.good luck.
SYRACUSE03 Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 First of all...he dumps you via e-mail. That's manly. He knows that you are hurting and he is being selfish. He still feels a sense of power over you. If you feel that you can move forward, do so. Don't let him deplete all the progress you have made. He feels guilty on how things ended now he was to make some sort of amends. I agree with playbrat, let him make more of an effort!
Author loquaciousl Posted November 29, 2007 Author Posted November 29, 2007 Thanks. Yes, I think he does want to make amends, update is: he emailed me to say he wants to see me this weekend to look me in the eye, and that it's really been bugging him that he hasn't seen me since we broke up. I told him I can't see him. He then emailed me back to say that whatever "relationship" we have is now "on me." Well here's the thing, he isn't getting that seeing him again would definitely deplete the progress I've made, you know? And I don't want to regress.
PLAYBRAT Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 I would tell your ex unless he is interested in discussing getting back together that seeing him is not a good idea. If he broke up with you then these are the consequences of his decision. You're not a revolving door.
Author loquaciousl Posted November 30, 2007 Author Posted November 30, 2007 Word, and touche. Thanks. Good point.
breakup Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 Couple of question for you "do you want to get back with him?" and "if not, do you still want to be friends with him?" Personally I think the NC rule is way to go. Quickest and easiest way to get over some1. He is not that great of guy from what you had described. Let him go and find someone that can treat you better.
jerbear Posted December 1, 2007 Posted December 1, 2007 email breakup!? Did you two have issues and talked then he sent the email? anyway, the holidays; people tend to reconnect with those they lost contact. I've done something similar with ex's and friends. Granted yes part of me was thinking of her and hoped making a reconciliation is a good thing. Who knows about feelings and stuff. I've learned that you can't be friends when another party still has feelings. Both of you need to understand, especially him when you dumped you. I would suggest an email to him saying you need time to heal and let those feelings subside.
sao2 Posted December 1, 2007 Posted December 1, 2007 My ex has been pulling something similar. Finally I just told her fine, I would pretend to be friends with her even though we both know I want more. I actually feel a little bit liberated because now I don't have to think about her calling. If she does I can just play it off. I barely ever talk to most of my friends anyways. If she is cool with that.
underpants Posted December 1, 2007 Posted December 1, 2007 He then emailed me back to say that whatever "relationship" we have is now "on me." This is such a manipulative ploy. He is attempting to deflect his decision (guilt) onto your hurt and as a bonus feature if you take the bait you will have been demeaned (ego). It is so sad that it is almost laughable. Sorry, he just sounds immature. I would email him back and state that he made the decision to end the relationship therefore you have no choice but to respect said decision.
Author loquaciousl Posted December 2, 2007 Author Posted December 2, 2007 Glad we're on the same page. I did just that!! And haven't heard from him since. I told him that I wouldn't be hanging out with him and that is that. I am proud of myself...thanks for your input!!
kitkat289 Posted December 2, 2007 Posted December 2, 2007 why the hell men are like that??My ex couldnt even see me showing my pitcures to others and not to him and I put a fullstop to that so called "friendship" mode where we still felt for each other.Hope he realises what a moron he has been...
Author loquaciousl Posted December 2, 2007 Author Posted December 2, 2007 I don't think he will realize it....but at this point I don't really care anymore. I think it's better I don't see him for now. Or ever. Lol.
iwanttolive Posted December 2, 2007 Posted December 2, 2007 Oh gross!! why is your story so similar to mine, it's... scary. I think he wants you to help him EASE his GUILTY conscience!! If ur willing to be friends wif him then he'll think "oh, i din hurt her that deeply..."
oppath Posted December 2, 2007 Posted December 2, 2007 Glad we're on the same page. I did just that!! And haven't heard from him since. I told him that I wouldn't be hanging out with him and that is that. I am proud of myself...thanks for your input!! When I did that with my ex...four times, all polite, including "I hope several months from now we can be friends, but it is too soon. I need to heal and I need space to do it, not because of you, but for me. Please give me the space I need." "I understand, but would you be willing to be friends with benefits?" :rolleyes: Dumpers are idiots. Understand, they do have some feelings (most of the time). It is not easy for them to walk away. They don't realize they are selfish when they do not give someone space. While it doesn't sound like he is being mature, and I know you are asking for support, this is what breakups are like. Few are mutual and most have some drama. This drama is minimal. It's painful to end a relationship for both parties and when that pain and anger exists, it is not going to be smooth. That is how breakups are. They are by definition bad and it is inevitable that someone will act in a way that someone can say is immature. Your breakup falls under "normal" in the spectrum. Email, however, is lame. this guy was semi long distance, right? I'm sure he rationalized it as easier. Lame. He does not understand how that would be disrespectful to you, which to you in a vulnerable position, makes you feel bad and makes you feel like he didn't respect you or the relationship, which means the relationship was fraudulent. I get that. And him not giving you the space you need...it makes you feel like he does not respect your needs. I'd try not to get angry at the moment and understand...he just isn't good at breaking up, and that has NOTHING to do with you.
Author loquaciousl Posted December 2, 2007 Author Posted December 2, 2007 Thank you very much. I am not angry anymore....I realize he's not good at breaking up but the point is I don't feel like he gave me the respect I deserve which is why I don't think we can be friends right now, if ever. I don't hate him, I will always have love in my heart for him, but the fact that he continued to email me after we broke up and I think he called me once tells me that he doesn't know how to communicate that well. Really, its having a lack of balls and I can't respect that. Yes, it does feel fradulent in that manner. I still care about him and I bet he wishes I would just be cool and hang out with him, but I would always in some way be hoping for more even if we don't make sense anymore. I'm okay, though....things happen the way they do for a reason.
Author loquaciousl Posted December 2, 2007 Author Posted December 2, 2007 Update....I feel so good about sticking to my guns....This has been hard for me. Thanks for all of your replies....
Author loquaciousl Posted December 4, 2007 Author Posted December 4, 2007 Well you know, I'm not going to ease his guilty conscience...he made his proverbial bed, now he can lie in it, you know? I still "miss" him but life goes on.....
sedgwick Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 I was dumped by email once. I was so hurt and felt so small and awful, like how could he not have cared enough for me to tell me the day before, when we saw each other? But now that I look back, I just think he was a coward. Why would I want to be with someone who's so cowardly he breaks up with girls by email? I hope that in time you'll be able to see your guy like this too.
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