suffragette13 Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 I'm so nice to him. Why? He's like a cancer! He drains me, uses me, doesn't appreciate me, zings me, leaves me, manipulates me. He leaves me stumbling, hating myself, miserable, eager. He has no love in his heart. We're both total losers. He's had so many rude awakenings. But they do not light a fire under his ass to make him change. That is why I feel sorrow and compassion for him. Especially when he's really suffering but when he's happy (which is short lived) I cannot STAND it. That is so ****ing ugly but there it is. I do not want him smiling and laughing with someone else. I dread the day he finds a woman he doesn't lie to, I dread him becoming stable and adjusted before me, becoming content before me. I dread having to face all this **** by myself. At least with him I had some kind of mirror. We would both see the loss in each others faces. When he tells the children to do something they come to me and ask me first if it's the right thing to do. Or they say, "Mom said no..." He doesn't like that. I sat down with my daughter and explained to her that she must be respectful of her father. I am terrified of letting go of him completely. I miss the way he used to help me focus, calm me down, give me perspective. He was great on my team. I miss making love. Cheesy but it's true. We've ****ed since I left but it's not the same. I kind of can't really remember what it felt like when it was pure but I know it was sacred sex. We made these amazing little kids. Now he looks ugly. My baby is UGLY. It's ridiculous that I feel so sad and guilty for feeling this way. I guess I am in the process of unloving him. I know it's for the best- the only way to let go and like everyone on this site says it doesn't hurt nearly so much as it did at first but... it's just so ****ing unfair! Why do I have to feel like this when I didn't do anything WRONG? I still support the bastard-- buy him clothes, bought him a pricey Christmas present from the kids. I worry about him. He must think I am such a sucker. I don't want this to be happening. I would like to meet another man but I have no social life. I'm not working. When I do work, it seems like I always fall into an office where there is one married/castrated guy and the rest are women. I do not meet guys. I don't even know what I'd say to a guy. I feel like everyone I speak to wonders what the hell is wrong with me. My voice sounds all weird and unused in my ears. It's like it was before I met him and fear drove me everyday. I'm alone in my prison again and I feel like a total coward. Tomorrow i will get up and continue to rebuild my life and try again just like I do everyday to make everything better for me and my children. I'm just feeling really afraid and weak tonight. MayBE but I'm not calling him.
randuff Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 My heart goes out to you. I feel like crap since my ex has just started dating the one that she cheated on me with but at least I didn't have children with her. I know how difficult it is when children are involved (my XW and I have one) and that was tough when we divorced. Although once I realised that my ex wife and I weren't better off together then it actually became quite easy. I know you miss him at time adn I know ALL about the having sex vs making love situation. You will probably miss the connection but it probably isn't worth the trouble anyways. Sounds like you are better off without him and one day you will meet someone who appreciates you and loves you and wholly. Good luck to you and keep posting if if makes you feel better!
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