Gwyneth Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 I don't believe in God as a method. He is my savior and why I exist. And as far as payback, his word says vengeance is mine and I will repay. His word also says as you sow, so shall you reap. Not my opinion, his word. Right, but two wrongs do not equal a right! Ms. Red, is that your puppy in your avatar??? Adorable
Gwyneth Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 Huh?????????????????????????? Did you not mention payback? To me, that would make two wrongs. Do you want payback for Mr. Messy pants? Then that would be two wrongs.
Author annabelle75 Posted November 30, 2007 Author Posted November 30, 2007 I think that's a good method of knowing God has your back. However, I don't think payback is always necessary. I know I will get kicked around for saying this, but I think most of you know I do not value marriage mostly because 98% of the married people I knwo are either unhappy or divorced, and I think marriage is a big waste of energy and money. Well that's my thoughts on marriage (I sound so Mary Wolsteoncraftish right now). I also think that just because we marry someone doesn't mean we are always meant to be with that one person, or that person was meant for us. Many people get married for all the wrong reasons (ie. my parents, in particular my mom who married my father to get out of her parents' house). People use marriage these days for all the wrong reasons--to get out of their parents' home, to get greencard, medical coverage, and so forth. How can marriage be such a valuable thing when based on these situations? Ahhhh, I'll stay single, thank you. Hi Do you have any idea how transparent you are? I feel bad for anyone here that takes you seriously. I only come around here to occassionally defend the OM/OW that come here for compassion and get beat up. I'm not here to waste my time talking to those that are just pretending to be OWs. You have an agenda, I know what it is. You should cut your losses now before waste anymore or your time. Bye.
White Flower Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 Originally posted by Ms. Red> I learned to not to judge people because I may find myself doing the same thing I was judging them for! This is such a good one! I think this was a 30 year lesson for me even though the A was just a short two. I was once a BAC (born again christian) who was really judgemental. I thought I was so Godly and clean, but now I think I'm the most unjudging person I have ever met! My A is not quite over yet, but this is one of the things I've learned. I've also learned that while I thought he was putting me on a pedestal, his actions weren't as loud as his words.
White Flower Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 I don't believe in God as a method. He is my savior and why I exist. And as far as payback, his word says vengeance is mine and I will repay. His word also says as you sow, so shall you reap. Not my opinion, his word. Hi Bent, I am curious as to how God is going to avenge you? How do you see it specifically? And does it bring you pleasure? Do you see your ex and his OW burning in the eternal flames of hell? Would that make you happy? Even if it did, I still don't think you would be satisfied. I think it would hurt you to see someone you once loved suffering like that. I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to forgive and move on. You need to find someone who is worthy of you. You may find him at church, but I would also try other options. I would just love to have a glass of wine with you and set you up with some online dating services. You don't sound ready right now, but when you are, let me know.
Sammy75 Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 As my A has just ended I'm still trying to work out what lessons I've actually learned as a result. I have realised that not everything in life is black and white - there's a murky shade of grey very much in the middle.
Ms. Red Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 Originally posted by Ms. Red> I learned to not to judge people because I may find myself doing the same thing I was judging them for! This is such a good one! I think this was a 30 year lesson for me even though the A was just a short two. I was once a BAC (born again christian) who was really judgemental. I thought I was so Godly and clean, but now I think I'm the most unjudging person I have ever met! I'm a "preacher's daughter" my father is an ordained minister for the Assemblies of God. Also, his father & my mother's mother, were also ordained ministers. I had a very twisted view of judging people due to this. It's very confusing growing up seeing the "public minister" & the same people in the comfort of their private home settings & see 2 completely different attitudes. But, I have to stop because that's a whole huge other subject that could totally derail this thread. Let me just say that I am learning more from life experience than I ever did sitting in a pew.
Art_Critic Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 As a child who grew up in a home of a cheater I have learned that the cheater doesn't consider the children and how they are being hurt. I also learned that the OW is a victim in the beginning falling for the cheaters scam.. she then becomes part and most of the problem after she learns he is married.
jj2007 Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 I am curious to see what each individual person affected by an affair learned from the experience. This thread is for those OM/OW who were once involved in an affair and now no longer are. What did you learn about yourself and what did you do about it? Well I am not an OW I am a BS and I don't think I need to explain how bad the affair effected me. But, this is what I learned: Things are not always what they seem to be. Affairs can be syptoms of problems in the relationship. My H has internal/childhood issues that made it easier for him to cheat. What does not kill you makes you stronger. An affair can make a relationship stronger if both parties are willing to work on the crap that got them there. Some OW have no conscience or morals and don't care who they hurt (their H and children included) What I am going to do about it: Try my hardest to do my part in making my marriage work. If it happens again I will be gone. Try to trust again. Try to make the "mind movies" stop! Try to forgive but I will never forget.
OWoman Posted December 1, 2007 Posted December 1, 2007 As a child who grew up in a home of a cheater I have learned that the cheater doesn't consider the children and how they are being hurt. As a child who grew up in a home where my father had an OW, but stayed with my mother "for the children", I learned that "staying for the children" does more damage than doing what's best for everyone - considering each unique situation on its own merits and not being bullied into what other people think is best, without knowing your situation.
Ms. Red Posted December 1, 2007 Posted December 1, 2007 As a child who grew up in a home where my father had an OW, but stayed with my mother "for the children", I learned that "staying for the children" does more damage than doing what's best for everyone - considering each unique situation on its own merits and not being bullied into what other people think is best, without knowing your situation. Great lesson learned. I know some posters on here could benefits from that lesson. I see some jump all over someone without knowing their full story ie: The OW thought she had met a great single available guy & dates for a while & starts thinking "he may be the one" then BAM! gets a call from the wife of the dood. If I see someone who posts on a regular bases I try to research into their history on here. You can see by when I became a member & how low my post count is that I have been reading & trying to get to know who's who before I post my story. I don't even know if I will. I've found many answers by just reading here. But I also didn't want to just sign up & post my story to total strangers. Yeah, we don't know personal details of people like their names etc. But you can get an idea of what kind of person someone is by reading their posts.
White Flower Posted December 1, 2007 Posted December 1, 2007 As a child who grew up in a home of a cheater 1)I have learned that the cheater doesn't consider the children and how they are being hurt. 2)I also learned that the OW is a victim in the beginning falling for the cheaters scam.. she then becomes part and most of the problem after she learns he is married.[/quote] 1)I grew up in a home where both cheated but cared deeply for the kids. I never felt a lack of love and caring. I felt hurt that one could hurt the other and I lost a certain innocense about how the world worked, but I also understood they were missing out on the love they were searching for. 2)I'm sure this can be taken in so many different ways. I could see myself a victim for falling for it, but I'm not sure what you mean about being most of the problem after she learns he is married. I already knew but thought he might leave--a stupid chance to take, I know. I guess I need to know what you mean by "problem".
nadiaj2727 Posted December 1, 2007 Posted December 1, 2007 I'm just saying in general, life is a big lesson. I an not in this affair to learn anything from it because I went into it with the full knowledge of the fact that it was an affair, and without any expectations of him being my future husband or anything of the sort. I'm not trying to learn anything from this affair because I know how it goes...but life is a lesson, yes. My lesson learned is, don't go into a R expecting nothing but good things to happen because in the end, somone is usually bound to get hurt. So you purposefully go into a situation in which you know "someone is usually bound to get hurt"? I don't understand this either. Why would you do this? It's like if you see a den full of snakes and you say "I know someone is usually bound to get hurt in this situation, so I'll go in." I'm very confused now.
nadiaj2727 Posted December 1, 2007 Posted December 1, 2007 I didn't say I would give him payback. I would if I could and I thought it would do any good. But the bible talks about what God will do to sinners and in some places in particular adulterers. He wants pay. "Vengeance is mine and I will repay." So God is loving and forgiving when we want him to be, yet vengeful and wrath-spewing when we want him to be? I'm sorry but to me, this contradiction is evidence of the fact that human beings use religion to deal with our problems. We give "God" human attributes, depending on which ones we want him to have at the time. If we do something wrong, he's forgiving, but if someone else does something wrong to us, he's vengeful. Really it just means that we want to forgive ourselves and we want others to feel the pain they've caused us and suffer for it. Those are natural human instincts, and I don't understand how making them "biblical" makes them any more profound. I want everyone to live a good, fulfilling life and be happy -- even those who have hurt me in the past. I don't know how I could go around wishing vengeance on those who have hurt me -- it would only drag me down. I'm not saying you're doing that BNB, but I think that's what religion can lead to sometimes. I think that people's actions lead to consequences, and that people who make good, moral choices will have a happier life than people who make thoughtless, hurtful choices. Therefore I'm not too concerned about how God will "treat" people I think are heartless or hurtful -- I think they will live unhappily until/ unless they themselves realize there is a better way. They create their own punishment and have the power to create their own redemption, so to say. Ms. Red -- I know where you're coming from, I grew up in church, 3 times a week, I went on missions trips as a teenager to Africa, Central America, blah blah blah. Yet I never saw integrity or compassion lived out in my household or by other members of the church. It was just something people did to make them feel better, make them feel like good people, etc. It was very confusing and I got out of that. When I studied abroad in Spain in college, my host-parents were the most intelligent, upstanding people I knew, who had a good marriage and a happy life together, and who showed me what integrity was all about. They were atheists. I learned more from them than a lifetime of sitting "in the pew." I guess they "converted" me away from organized religion lol, even though that wasn't their intention because, unlike Christians, they had no agenda to "convert" anyone to anything -- it was just that I saw that the way they lived brought them happiness, and it had nothing to do with religious dogma or salvation etc. But anyway this belongs in a different thread, I guess for a religion forum or something. Sorry.
nadiaj2727 Posted December 1, 2007 Posted December 1, 2007 Well I am not an OW I am a BS and I don't think I need to explain how bad the affair effected me. But, this is what I learned: Things are not always what they seem to be. Affairs can be syptoms of problems in the relationship. My H has internal/childhood issues that made it easier for him to cheat. What does not kill you makes you stronger. An affair can make a relationship stronger if both parties are willing to work on the crap that got them there. Some OW have no conscience or morals and don't care who they hurt (their H and children included) What I am going to do about it: Try my hardest to do my part in making my marriage work. If it happens again I will be gone. Try to trust again. Try to make the "mind movies" stop! Try to forgive but I will never forget. Hi JJ -- you sound very strong and intelligent. I admire you, and send you the very best of wishes in restoring your marriage. It sounds like you have what it takes to make it work, and I hope your H knows how lucky he is for this second and only other chance!!
GreenEyedLady Posted December 2, 2007 Posted December 2, 2007 I am curious to see what each individual person affected by an affair learned from the experience. What did you learn about yourself and what did you do about it? I have learned that running away from your problems, doesn't solve them; Instead, it simply makes them worse...(Just look at infidelity, period...) I have learned that I can love purely and unconditionally, without losing who I am in the process... I have learned to forgive other's for their imperfections, as I have my own imperfections... I have learned that I have made the best friends anyone in the world could ask for, that support and encourage me, in happiness and in sadness...(You know who you are...) I have learned that I am worthy of love and the expectation that words should be backed up by actions... I have learned that even though something that started in the dark, can be made whole and beautiful and live in the light... And Finally, I have learned that when a man loves a woman, he will certainly move heaven and earth for that love... GEL
Adreanna Posted December 2, 2007 Posted December 2, 2007 Well I am not an OW I am a BS and I don't think I need to explain how bad the affair effected me. But, this is what I learned: Things are not always what they seem to be. Affairs can be syptoms of problems in the relationship. My H has internal/childhood issues that made it easier for him to cheat. What does not kill you makes you stronger. An affair can make a relationship stronger if both parties are willing to work on the crap that got them there. Some OW have no conscience or morals and don't care who they hurt (their H and children included) What I am going to do about it: Try my hardest to do my part in making my marriage work. If it happens again I will be gone. Try to trust again. Try to make the "mind movies" stop! Try to forgive but I will never forget. If only some women here could learn something from this post and also those who gave insights from BS's POV. Sadly, not all can take the heat. jj2007, I wish you all the best and I'm sorry for what the OW did to your marriage.
White Flower Posted December 2, 2007 Posted December 2, 2007 Well I am not an OW I am a BS and I don't think I need to explain how bad the affair effected me. But, this is what I learned: Things are not always what they seem to be. Affairs can be syptoms of problems in the relationship. My H has internal/childhood issues that made it easier for him to cheat. What does not kill you makes you stronger. An affair can make a relationship stronger if both parties are willing to work on the crap that got them there. Some OW have no conscience or morals and don't care who they hurt (their H and children included) What I am going to do about it: Try my hardest to do my part in making my marriage work. If it happens again I will be gone. Try to trust again. Try to make the "mind movies" stop! Try to forgive but I will never forget. What is truly fantastic about this post is that you seem fully aware and not stuck in anger or blame. You are taking the proactive approach toward understanding and healing. I wish you the very best.
Adreanna Posted December 2, 2007 Posted December 2, 2007 It's hard to comprehend or accept one's opinion or point of view when you're blinded by love. It's sad to think that some women come here for advice and when it is given, they don't want to accept it because it isn't what they want to hear. Reading threads on this forum and a few other forums has helped me to end my relationship with MM. I accept from both views but the BS/xOW are the ones that really help me see things clearly. Some of the posts I read from current OW sound too dreamy. When their MM decide to stay in their M, they go crazy, calling the MM all the names you can find in the book and some have the guts to ask if they should tell MM's wives just because things didn't go their way!
Cobra_X30 Posted December 2, 2007 Posted December 2, 2007 1)I grew up in a home where both cheated but cared deeply for the kids. I never felt a lack of love and caring. I felt hurt that one could hurt the other and I lost a certain innocense about how the world worked, but I also understood they were missing out on the love they were searching for. 2)I'm sure this can be taken in so many different ways. I could see myself a victim for falling for it, but I'm not sure what you mean about being most of the problem after she learns he is married. I already knew but thought he might leave--a stupid chance to take, I know. I guess I need to know what you mean by "problem". Art is correct. 1) We learn our relationship skills from our parents. Do you see how this applies to your life? Consider now that what you do... and how you interact will be passed to your children. Love is only a part of what you are required to give them as a parent. I urge you to recognize this and take steps to correct it. I understand that some things may be out of your hands... 2) You become an enabler.
Cobra_X30 Posted December 2, 2007 Posted December 2, 2007 With that said... here is what I have learned! Our parents choices can either assist us or hamper us on our path to happiness. Cheating is one of those choices which creates roadblocks. People can hurt thier children and still love them, but in the end what kind of a person does that make them?
nadiaj2727 Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 When I do something wrong and do not repent he is vengeful. I have had to be reprimanded more than once and I am sure as long as I live I will be reprimanded(punished) again. He is loving because he always me the opportunity to change for the better, as he does everyone else. And he is so merciful that he never gives US everything that WE deserve, because the payment for sinning is death. Because he forgave me of the things I did to hurt others, I am commanded to do the same. And I have. It doesn't mean that I want to be your best friend, but I won't leave you bleeding in the street. I understand your belief is tarnished by organized religion, but I don't subscribe to anyone organized religion, just the word of God through the Bible. Organizations put there own agendas into his word. I study, and research. And when I have questions I usually ask several ministers, including Mr. Messy Pants' father. I am not commanded to convert anyone. I am commanded to say what God has done for me and the way he makes me feel. You can take it or leave. Do with it what you will. But you are correct that we create our own punishment and if we change our ways, our redemption, by saying I am not living in a way that is good for me or anyone else, it is in the Bible, it's called reaping what you sow. God has the control and I can't be concerned with how and when his will is going to be done, I just have to continue to try to live the way he wants me to and ask forgiveness and make amends when I don't. Okay thanks for the explanation. I understand your point of view. I guess I have been tarnished by organized religion but I also don't see the difference between religions in general, such as Christianity versus Buddhism. To me they all share some universal truths and contain some beautiful things and some ugly things. I'm a secular humanist (although I don't go around saying that... I guess I just identify myself as "agnostic" if asked). I believe in integrity and living according to a set of standards (to which I have most recently added -- NEVER date a married man, no matter how "separated pending divorce" he says he is and you truly believe he is! ) I can't say I believe in much that is supernatural -- God, the after-life, etc. I do believe in "you reap what you sow" and other "biblical" concepts that express personal responsibility and morality. But I understand your beliefs and thanks for clarifying all of that. I went through a period where I thought all Christians were judgmental because I saw my parents and their church that way. Since then I have met a lot of great people like you and I've realized that there are all kinds of different Christians out there, and many great ones!!... I like how you said you study and research and ask questions instead of just accepting what an organization says is true.
jj2007 Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 Hi JJ -- you sound very strong and intelligent. I admire you, and send you the very best of wishes in restoring your marriage. It sounds like you have what it takes to make it work, and I hope your H knows how lucky he is for this second and only other chance!! If only some women here could learn something from this post and also those who gave insights from BS's POV. Sadly, not all can take the heat. jj2007, I wish you all the best and I'm sorry for what the OW did to your marriage. What is truly fantastic about this post is that you seem fully aware and not stuck in anger or blame. You are taking the proactive approach toward understanding and healing. I wish you the very best. Thanks ladies so much for the kind words:) It really is a long hard road and all I can do is try my best to make it work.
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