annabelle75 Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 I am curious to see what each individual person affected by an affair learned from the experience. This thread is for those OM/OW who were once involved in an affair and now no longer are. What did you learn about yourself and what did you do about it?
Meaplus3 Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 I am curious to see what each individual person affected by an affair learned from the experience. This thread is for those OM/OW who were once involved in an affair and now no longer are. What did you learn about yourself and what did you do about it? I learned I need to grow up! I acted like a child. I tried to run away from my miserable marriage and get it on with the guy nexdoor! NOT a bright move on my part! After an 18 month long ea and knowing this mm for over 1o year's I can say "Goodbye" to all my feeling's for him. Where am I with my marriage right now? Well, in a place where it need's to improve or come to and end by mean's of Divorce! If I new the heartbreak that I would endure long ago I never would have become involved. AP:)
nadiaj2727 Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 I learned to think about what I'm doing, protect my heart, care about how my actions affect others, and try to be a good person instead of an oblivious do-my-own-thing person. I learned that something that makes me happy temporarily (giving into my strong feelings for MM) only made me miserable in the long run (feeling guilty, feeling like I'm being strung along, living a double life, etc.) I also learned a *lot* about love and marriage. Real love is permanent and remains strong despite the circumstances or fickle feelings. As cj1988 always says, love is a choice, an action. Love is not self-serving, it does not rejoice in hurting other people. (I know this is a Bible verse and even though I'm not religious, I really believe in 1 Corinthians 13:4!!!) I also learned that men can be very selfish, manipulative, immature, etc., to get what they want, and that I need to be a strong, wise woman who respects myself and other women too much to let a married man do ANYTHING with me. I'm so glad to be out and I will never do it again, of this I'm sure. Amen (lol)
american-woman Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 Congrats! We sometimes forget the grass needs to be mowed on the other side too
Gwyneth Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 I'm not in this to learn anything from it. So if this were post-affair, I'd say nothing, because I went into it with the full knowledge of what the term "affair" means.
marlena Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 I learned to NEVER EVER get involved with a married man again! I learned that people can lie and use and abuse for their own selfish purposes. I learned not to invest emotionally so easily, to protect my heart and not be so gullible. That real love isn't something that should be kept secret. That true fulfillment can not come from such a liason. Most of all, I learned that we can hurt people without meaning to. Innocent people. I also learned that actions have consequences. That I had a narrow escape. That emotions can get way out of hand and the outcome can be devastating for all involved. That many lives were destroyed. That you can not build your happiness on someone else's unhappiness! No, never, ever go there. It is HELL!
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 I thought of a dozen or more things, but they all come down to this: if I learned anything, its the simplest thing of all - don't do things to people that you don't want done to yourself. What did I do? I stopped. Period. I don't cheat, and I don't help others cheat.
cj1988 Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 Bent you are BENT LOL ! The grass can be green anywhere as long as you take care of it......you have to love it and nuture, water and feed it for it to grow and be green. If not, all you will have is a bunch of weeds and dead ugly grass in the end.....
nadiaj2727 Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 I'm not in this to learn anything from it. So if this were post-affair, I'd say nothing, because I went into it with the full knowledge of what the term "affair" means. You won't know this until you really are post-affair. A person can't decide what to learn or not learn from something until it actually happens. And if they decide to try to NOT learn anything from a situation, that's pretty stubborn and naive. I've heard you say on here that you're "learning" things already. So we'll just see what you've learned when you are post-affair, because I'm sure you'll have a lot to say.
frannie Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 I can't say I'm exactly post-affair yet, but what I have learnt: Put myself first, and stop worrying about everyone else! I'm sure it would all have been over a long, long time ago had I not been so bleddy understanding of him, and worrying about his children so much. Now I've handed all those worries over to where they belong... with him... I feel a whole lot lighter! I don't have to worry about all the other people involved in 'my relationship' any longer...
Owl Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 AP- I really enjoyed reading your answer. It makes tons of sense, all the way around. Setting boundaries about what you'll accept from other people is HUGE!!! And that sounds like exactly what you're doing in your marriage now... I think a lot of times people aren't willing to say clearly to their partner exactly what they want and need, and make it clear that they're not willing to go on if their needs aren't met. I'm curious...did your husband ever find out about your affair? If so, had HE made any changes to improve the marriage? Affairs are often eye-openers for the betrayed spouse...they're a wake up call to everyone.
Gwyneth Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 You won't know this until you really are post-affair. A person can't decide what to learn or not learn from something until it actually happens. And if they decide to try to NOT learn anything from a situation, that's pretty stubborn and naive. I've heard you say on here that you're "learning" things already. So we'll just see what you've learned when you are post-affair, because I'm sure you'll have a lot to say. I have learned over time that even if the guy isn't married, or some other form of not available, he can hurt you very badly. I don't need a MM to find this out--I learned other ways. Life is one big lesson.
marlena Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 I have learned over time that even if the guy isn't married, or some other form of not available, he can hurt you very badly. I don't need a MM to find this out--I learned other ways. Life is one big lesson As true as this may be, there is a big difference. An affair almost ALWAYS leads to hurt - yours and all innocent parties.
confused39 Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 I learned that karma is very real. I learned that when something seems too good to be true, it is. I learned that I DID know right from wrong, after all. I learned that if I was, in fact, the "love of his life" he wouldn't still be married. And, probably most importantly, I learned that I have to love myself enough to do what's best for me.
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 DONT be trusting, giving, or loving. Ah, I'mstunned - don't let that rat of an ex-MM take those wonderful things from you! I'm not post affair but I've learnt a whole lot of stuff, mainly about myself... 1) I am great at putting myself in others shoes and my capacity for understanding is greater than I realised 2) Life is hard but I am responsible for my own happiness - we all are 3) Competition for a "prize" should never be mistaken for patience
nadiaj2727 Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 I have learned over time that even if the guy isn't married, or some other form of not available, he can hurt you very badly. I don't need a MM to find this out--I learned other ways. Life is one big lesson. I agree with you that "life is one big lesson" (although I think the lessons come easier if we think things through first and try to live by a set of principles and not wild and crazy feelings). But then I don't understand how you previously said you don't expect to learn anything from your affair. How can you not learn something if life is a big lesson?? I'm very confused by your posts, sorry.
nadiaj2727 Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 I learned that karma is very real. I learned that when something seems too good to be true, it is. I learned that I DID know right from wrong, after all. I learned that if I was, in fact, the "love of his life" he wouldn't still be married. And, probably most importantly, I learned that I have to love myself enough to do what's best for me. Hi Confused, this is an awesome post, so true. I especially like the fourth one... my xMM would always say he wanted to marry me. Twice he took me to a fancy (out of the way, of course) restaurant and said "I would marry you... would you marry me?" I didn't get it. I mean it was like a quasi-proposal since he couldn't really propose, since he was still married!! At the time I thought he meant after he was divorced. Now I realize it was just all in his head, a dream, living in fantasyland (and also perhaps a way to see how serious I was about him to help him decide whether or not he could really get divorced). Like you I learned that he can SAY I'm the love of his life all he wants, but I didn't see it since we couldn't actually get married or do anything together besides hide in his condo, go to out-of-the-way restaurants very occasionally, and pretend to be "friends" at work and in public. Ughh pathetic.
Gwyneth Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 I agree with you that "life is one big lesson" (although I think the lessons come easier if we think things through first and try to live by a set of principles and not wild and crazy feelings). But then I don't understand how you previously said you don't expect to learn anything from your affair. How can you not learn something if life is a big lesson?? I'm very confused by your posts, sorry. I'm just saying in general, life is a big lesson. I an not in this affair to learn anything from it because I went into it with the full knowledge of the fact that it was an affair, and without any expectations of him being my future husband or anything of the sort. I'm not trying to learn anything from this affair because I know how it goes...but life is a lesson, yes. My lesson learned is, don't go into a R expecting nothing but good things to happen because in the end, somone is usually bound to get hurt.
Gwyneth Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 The most important thing that I learned is that God always has my back, and that his payback is more than I could have ever dreamed of or hoped for. I think that's a good method of knowing God has your back. However, I don't think payback is always necessary. I know I will get kicked around for saying this, but I think most of you know I do not value marriage mostly because 98% of the married people I knwo are either unhappy or divorced, and I think marriage is a big waste of energy and money. Well that's my thoughts on marriage (I sound so Mary Wolsteoncraftish right now). I also think that just because we marry someone doesn't mean we are always meant to be with that one person, or that person was meant for us. Many people get married for all the wrong reasons (ie. my parents, in particular my mom who married my father to get out of her parents' house). People use marriage these days for all the wrong reasons--to get out of their parents' home, to get greencard, medical coverage, and so forth. How can marriage be such a valuable thing when based on these situations? Ahhhh, I'll stay single, thank you.
imstunned Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 Actions speak louder than words Nice one. I have learned that too. I just forgot!
Ms. Red Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 I learned to not to judge people because I may find myself doing the same thing I was judging them for!
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