iceknite Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Well I'm not so good at starting conversations and I'm afraid that even if I could start off a conversation with her, that I'll scare her off with my shyness. I've had problems with talking to girls I find attractive. One time I hooked up with a girl I played soccer with. She really liked and I liked her. We talked alot online and really seemed to connect. But when we went out on a date, I couldn't think of anything to talk about. Before the date I thought we would really connect, but she didn't really seem to enjoy herself and as a result, neither did I. We talked a bit afterwards but it pretty much ended there. So I'd like to know how to talk to girls without pushing them away or making them think I'm not interested.
Dynamo Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 Well I'm not so good at starting conversations and I'm afraid that even if I could start off a conversation with her, that I'll scare her off with my shyness. I've had problems with talking to girls I find attractive. One time I hooked up with a girl I played soccer with. She really liked and I liked her. We talked alot online and really seemed to connect. But when we went out on a date, I couldn't think of anything to talk about. Before the date I thought we would really connect, but she didn't really seem to enjoy herself and as a result, neither did I. We talked a bit afterwards but it pretty much ended there. So I'd like to know how to talk to girls without pushing them away or making them think I'm not interested. What did you do on the date? That could be more of a reason rather then you yourself. That being said, I know how you feel - I used to be a very shy / introverted guy myself but I've changed myself and become rather extroverted in recent years. The key to conversations is finding a common interest - Try to ask things about HER for awhile. People tend to find it easy to ramble on about themselves (often without even knowing!) and you can learn a lot about her that way. Also, be sure to actually listen to her.. I've found girls LOVE it when us guys remember something they said days later (for example, she mentions she loves a certain band and a couple days later you go up to her and give her a burnt CD of some of their songs, or something like that). Try not to turn the conversation around on you too much though. I found that when I was a real shy person (and this is the same with most shy people, I believe) we tend to talk about ourselves easier then asking others and you don't want to do this too much. Of course, if she asks you something answer it, but don't ramble about yourself. Hmm I don't know what else to say. Conversations can really be formulated around the place the date is happening. Oh and short and cute/funny stories are always great conversation starters, especially if they show you have some kind of positive traits (funny, smart, brave, strong, etc etc etc.) just don't seem like your bragging..
spookie Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 Ya know, I really believe that you can't force a real connection with someone and if it isn't naturally easy for you to talk to someone, they aren't the right person for you. You can hone your small-talk skills until you can chat anyone up for hours but in the end you still won't have a connection with someone it wasn't there to begin with. So don't worry about your shyness, even if it's hard for you to talk to most girls you WILL find one who naturally puts you at ease who you can connect with. I used to be socially awkward to the point of disability but it's equally difficult to find love now that I'm not as I still don't connect to most of the people I small-talk with.
littlepiggy1 Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 A couple pointers: 1) Questions are good. Generic small-talky stuff, "where do you work", "where have you traveled", etc. And then you can hone in on more interest specific stuff. The idea is to fish for some common ground. Once you find it, bouncing conversation back and forth will be easy. 2) Stay away from negative stuff. Being too negative can cause a person to become uncomfortable and withdraw from the conversation. 3) Be able to open up and bit and make sure to have some funny stories. Getting people to laugh makes it easier for them to open up and keep the conversation going.
littlepiggy1 Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 Ya know, I really believe that you can't force a real connection with someone and if it isn't naturally easy for you to talk to someone, they aren't the right person for you. Very true. One of my basic benchmarks for how well I am going to get along with someone is if I can have a conversation with them. I've had everything from conversations that have stalled in 5 minutes to ones that have gone on for hours. It really does depend a lot on the other person.
desertguy Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 There's some good advice here. While you definitely want to put your best foot forward, so to speak and make a good impression, you don't want to go overboard with it where you come across as phony or forced. Little, short funny stories are good to break the ice, but you want to try to be as genuine as you can, but avoid negativity. Depending on the girl, it might be helpful to admit you're a little nervous when you first meet, but be careful there. A lot of women appreciate honesty, though. If you're having trouble coming up with things to say, as a previous poster said, try to get her to talk about herself, and actually listen to what she has to say. I would keep the first date light and short, no more than 45 minutes or an hour, say a coffee date, not a dinner date. I used to be really shy as well, I would think ahead of time what I was going to say and how I wanted to come across. Like anything, it takes a little practice, and it will start to come more and more natural and spontaneous where you don't even really think about it much.
coffeecup Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 ...Also don't be afraid to be silly! First dates are scary and stressful. I'm a big fan of silly humor, even if it's just the gentle kind (like where you point out some goofy thing you did that morning). The humor will lower the stress and make her (and you!) more comfortable. Good luck, you sound like a good sort.
Author iceknite Posted December 1, 2007 Author Posted December 1, 2007 What did you do on the date? That could be more of a reason rather then you yourself. Well we wnt to the movies. we talked a bit(not too much but enough i guess considering we did go to the movies) i paid for her ticket and offered to buy her some popcorn and/or pop. she didn't want any and didn't take any of mine that i offered. aside from that it went rather well. I don't really know why she got disinterested. i was kind and thought i acted pretty well.
littlepiggy1 Posted December 1, 2007 Posted December 1, 2007 Yeah, movie dates aren't really a good idea if you are trying to get to know someone. A better date is something interactive and fun (a bonus if it's something unique), but that will give you a chance to talk. As for why she was disinterested, it might not anything you did. You just might not be her type.
Author iceknite Posted December 9, 2007 Author Posted December 9, 2007 What would you guys think if I'd write her a love letter and leave it at her locker or something? Would it be a little freaky for her or do you think she would like it and then I can go from there knowing she knows that I like her. What do you think?
Dynamo Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 What would you guys think if I'd write her a love letter and leave it at her locker or something? Would it be a little freaky for her or do you think she would like it and then I can go from there knowing she knows that I like her. What do you think? Personally - and this is just my opinion on this - love letters are a real creepy thing to do if you aren't going out with someone already. I don't know, it just seems very... Stalker-ish to me. If you guys were going out then I'm sure she'd find a love letter romantic, but I wouldn't use it in an attempt to ask her out.. It's like asking someone over AIM if they want to go out - just one of those things that needs to be done in person, face-to-face, or it feels like you are trying to hide something. Thats my opinion atleast.
sumdude Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 Wayy to soon to try any love letters or anything.. after all you hardly know her and she hardly knows you. Save a love letter for when you actually mean it. The art of conversations... it's something you can practice everywhere with anyone. Ask questions that don't have simple yes/no answers like " So do you like Chinese food?" Doesn't leave much room for a conversation. Make questions more general with room for description. What kind of hobbies are you into? What is your hometown like? Don't make it an interview either.. after a while asking : Where do you work? where do you live? what's your favorite colour? Starts to feel like a job interview and tends to die out pretty quickly. Look around you and find someone or something interesting or funny and make a comment about it.. see where that leads. Find a topic of the day in news or something. Watch pro interviewers like Leno and Letterman.. see how they lead the questions and leave them open as well as carrying a conversation.
Dynamo Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 ^ great points, Sumdude. In addition to that, I'd like to add that getting in a (FRIENDLY) debate with her can often be very helpful and really get a conversation rolling. Find something she's passionate about and sort of teasingly debate it.
Phateless Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 I think the first thing you need to work on is your shyness. What is it you are afraid of? You obviously have things to say, things you like to do and talk about, don't be afraid to give your opinion. She's not going to be upset if your opinion is different from hers as long as it's a friendly discussion. For the next date, bring her to something that YOU like to do and introduce her to it. I love taking girls for a mtn bike or motorcycle ride for a date, because it's something that I find fun and makes me feel comfortable and confident, and it's something new for them. The girl will have a good time just because she's with you, as long as you are confident enough to let your personality come out.
Phateless Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 For talking... occasionally make fun of her in a very light, gentle, friendly teasing way. Only once in a while though. Other than that, just talk to her. So what kind of music do you like? "eww, you like linkin park? heheh :p" what do you want to be when you grow up? what are your hopes and dreams? what's special about you that I should know? have you been in a relationship before and how was it? what's your favorite movie or book? what's your sign and do you know the characteristics? there's all sorts of goofy random things you can talk about, and then transition to other things. playfully teasing once in a while is good too. "you're an aries? ohh, you must be trouble then, i should run now. :p"
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