Grace112 Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 I am not ready to let him go. I think we still have a chance to make things work. We were 6 weeks away from getting married. How am I supposed to be okay with him moving across the country to live with some girl he met online a few weeks after he called of the wedding? There was real stuff there. We had spent the past 5 years together! We were together through his father passing away, being robbed, saving money to afford one nice meal out. We moved jobs, got promotions, went on vacations, sepnt time with each other's families. How can it all just disappear? How is what we had so meaningless that he is able to just pick up and go? I'm not ready to do this. I just can't.
WanderingDove Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 This must be really hard time for you. I myself am going through some changes with my live-in bf. I see small changes in him and am afraid he's seeing someone. We've been together for 5 years now and reading this made me think about how I would feel if I need to leave him, in case I found out he is actually cheating. This is heartbreaking, I feel like this is how I would feel. I'm sorry Grace for what your fiance did to you. I don't have any words of wisdom at the moment as I am confused myself but he is letting go of a meaningful relationship to be with someone new which I am sure he'll find out, it wasn't worth it. Not after all the things you've both gone through.
Author Grace112 Posted November 29, 2007 Author Posted November 29, 2007 I want to contact him before he moves. I can't let him leave without saying good-bye. We spent the last 5 years together! The thought of never seeing him again for the rest of my life is unbearable. Just one last time - please. How do I go about this? Please.
sao2 Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 Grace, the best way for you to move on is to realize that you don't have any other choice BUT to move on. He is no longer in your life and that is just how it is now. As sad as it seems to be, all that other stuff just doesn't matter anymore. I know it may seem like the farthest thing from your mind but the moment you accept that he is not coming back to you is the moment you allow yourself to start moving forward. It may be hard and it may suck, and you may find yourself being setback often. But you still have to move forward now. If for no other reason but you have no other choice.
Author Grace112 Posted November 29, 2007 Author Posted November 29, 2007 So I can't even say good-bye? We were going to spend the rest of our lives together. Can't I see him one last time before he moves 3,000 miles away?
Trialbyfire Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 Grace, who's stopping you from contacting him? No one on LS can. You may need to do this, to get another reality check.
serendip Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 So I can't even say good-bye? We were going to spend the rest of our lives together. Can't I see him one last time before he moves 3,000 miles away? if he is willing to move 3000 miles to be with someone else...it's a clear indication that it's over between you too spending the rest of your life together was the past...not the present or the future it's best you deal with the pain now, heal and then move on
ninjaturtles Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 If you feel you must see him, do so..be ready for more hurt and pain..Sometimes we have to feel the wrath of the ex, more directly and intensely to realise that he or she has moved on. It hurts so much but it makes ur face reality.. I am so so sorry.I can only imagine how hurt you feel! Goodness. I hope it does not work out with this girl, how is he so sure about her anyway? Sweetheart, If you want to see him, do so. However bear in mind that you may be even more hurt as he may reject you face to face..I dont know, i cant say..But do what you need to do inorder to move on....so you dont kill yourself with 'what ifs', what if I had seen him before he left, would things have been different? Do what you feel inclined to do, the most that can happen is you getting rejected, but it will hurt. I am so sorry, hope you are around family or friends, you need them now....Time will heal you, a lot of time it will take but you will finish the journey. KEEP in touch. xxx
bustertypsy Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 So I can't even say good-bye? We were going to spend the rest of our lives together. Can't I see him one last time before he moves 3,000 miles away? Grace,you sound like an exceptionally loving and forgiving person,great attributes to have.I can't understand why you would want to say goodbye to somebody that has done so much harm to you.But I'm not here to talk about him,it's you that matters.If you feel that you have to say goodbye,then I think it's what you should do.If it benefits you then I support you.My heart goes out to you and I feel so bad for you.I am already hurting from my ex,but for now your story sounds so much worse than mine.So if you get some solace from saying goodbye to him then I back you 100%.
Trialbyfire Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 Go see him Grace. Get some finality. Otherwise, he'll always be the fantasy you can keep pursuing and holding up as the shining example of all that's good, while you're all that's bad.
ninjaturtles Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 Im glad the posts after mine say you should do what you have to do. I feel so much for you....I thought I was going through pain till I realised the sort of anguish you are in. Dont worry,bad times dont last forever!! It is almost killing (the pain you must be going through) but it will get better!! Stay strong, talk to friends, come on LS and message us..we are here for you. xx
Author Grace112 Posted November 29, 2007 Author Posted November 29, 2007 You're right. No one is stopping me but me. I'm terrified of making him more angry at me than he already is - so I don't call. I guess I'm just having a really hard time coming to grips that it's over. We have had to have broken up at least 3 times in past. Each time, we both knew it was inevitable that we would get back together. With him moving to be with her, there's no chance of that happening again. The last time I saw him, it was the morning after he called off the wedding. He was so hurt and so angry at me. I don't want that to be the last picture of us together in my head. It was more good than bad - even he admitted that. Every time I think that I might never see him again, I get so choked up I can't see. How can I possibly approach him to say good-bye?
ninjaturtles Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 I can imagine the choking feeling......Its tough. Being in a five year relationship must mean that you must have been through a lot together, struggled, had ups and downs but overcame them...I wonder why he would want to throw away something so strong, something so sure (i.e your love for him). Its hard, but you can only take is a day at a time. Dont overwhelm yourself with negative thoughts, the same way you got through yesterday, is the same way you will get through today, albeit slow and painful. Gradually, you will feel less hurt, it will take time, but you will get there. Women who have had thier husbands of many years leave them and move in immediately after with other women have emerged successfully from thier plight. The fact that you were going to get married must be giving you a lot grief, the fact that he wasnt just a boyfriend, he was your fiancee whom you thought you would spend your life with makes it very hard because you may wonder if how you will start afresh, find new love. Well, let me tell you something, I have relations, friends who have been abandonned by thier fiancees. Today, they are all married. Even though they spent a longer amount of time with thier ex-finacees, than they did with thier present husbands before getting married, they are happily married. So you will find love again..... Second, when you start have negative, chilling, choking thoughts about not seeing him, try to look at the big picture. Marriage is not the end of the journey, if you had gotten married to him, he may have left you. My point being that, even though right now you may refuse to see the positive aspects of this painful breakup, it could have saved you more hurt down the road. Think about it, If you had gotten married and encountered even more severe problems, financial problems, infidelity temptations, personal relationship problems, serious problems that married people do- would he have stayed? If this man walked out on you because of whatever issues you had AFTER 5 years, 6 weeks to your marraige and 2 weeks after started seeing someone else, do you think this same man would have spent his LIFE with you? The rest of his life being faithful to you and only you, working through ALL problems with you, big or small? I dont think so.. Sorry to go on so long but I have a friend. Her older sister went through the EXACT problem you are going through now. She was with this man for 5 years, she thought they would get married and live with him forever. Well, this man used a problem (which he exaggerated) as a stepping stone to leave the relationship. She blamed herself for so long, she was a wreck etc.....The actual fact was, this man really did not want to want to get married anymore but he tried to disguise this by citing his reasons for leaving as 'being her fault'. Well, she is married now to an older man she dated for two years and expecting a baby in christmas. Her 1st child. Her ex is with someone else now. Another story. My cousin got married to the man she dated through out university. The man of her dreams, the man with whom she had been through thick and thin with. As of today, this man is with another woman he wants to marry. He left my cousin, and is filing for a divorce..My point being that marriage is not the ultimate. What matters is IF and WHETHER the other party is willing to work THROUGH the marriage, for better or for worse, for poorer for richer, in in sickness and in health, till death do them part...Was your ex ready to do that? No. Because he walked away when you had problems....He manifested his incapabilites BEFORE marraige, if he had done it one year into the marriage, it would have hurt more. Grace, Only you know where to meet with him. I think you should let him know before hand, inorder to not anger him etc. Its hard to let go of something you spent 5 years of your life building, but others have done so and so will you. It will get better..... No matter what happens when you see him, try to be strong. Plus, dont place this woman he is seeing on a pedestal either...its just the honey moon stage, who knows what may happen next year? Im not trying to raise your hopes but I also know several people who have split but gotten back together about 1 year later, 7 months later, 2 years later, now happily married. Dont dwell too much on that because you are supposed to be focus on moving on, and you will.. xxx
Author Grace112 Posted November 30, 2007 Author Posted November 30, 2007 ninjaturtles, I really appreciate you sharing those stories. It's good to know however difficult today might seem that there are others that have gone through the same thing and have come out the other side. The story which really spoke to me was the older sister of your friend. Part of me somewhere feels that my ex-fiancee too was waiting for the other shoe to drop. He was able to execute the break-up and his recovery so swiftly - it seems like he had his exit planned for a few weeks at least. He also had the same refrain - "this is what you wanted", "if you didn't want to get married, we should've called this off a long time ago", and the phrase that hurts me the most - "keep pushing". I know I'll never know for certain if I could've done anything differently to change the outcome, but it is definitely these sorts of thoughts that run through my mind during my free moments. There was a time where our love was wonderful and I couldn't imagine myself being any happier. I still can't. As for meeting up with him, I still want to do it, but I'm more scared than ever. For now, I'm going to leave it up to the universe. If he is meant to cross my path - he will.
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