shadowsfall Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Hey everyone, So the title probably says it all. My GF of 2 years and I are not as sexually intimate as we once were. In our prime we could go 3 or 4 times a night 5 times a week. But as our relationship has progressed our sex life has diminished big time. Right now we're probably doing it once every week and a half. She has excuses galore, whether she's too tired, or not in the mood, or stressed, or her mom might hear us. She's even told me no because I take too long to finish. I find myself constantly begging her for sex and it seems ridiculous that I have to do that now, when the first year we were like jackrabbits. We argue about this subject a lot and when I try to explain my needs to her, she comes back saying that SHE's only going to do it when SHE feels like. She say's she's still attracted to me physically but I think that because we fight so much that she gets turned off mentally a lot. She obviously doesn't seem to think sex is important in a relationship. SO my question to everyone is: Is this something that can be worked on or is this the beginning of the end? Has anyone else out there gone through this or currently is? What can I do? Thanks in advance!
Lovegod Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 I find myself constantly begging her for sex NEVER beg for sex from a woman. There's a couple of reasons for this: #1: Begging for sex is not sexy. #2: You're raising the value of sex to a point where you'll do anything for it. Eventually (if she hasn't done it already), she will use it to bribe you for things. Example: "I'll make love to you if you go out and get me a chocolate bar!" We argue about this subject a lot and when I try to explain my needs to her, she comes back saying that SHE's only going to do it when SHE feels like. Explaining your needs is also not sexy. If you want more sex, you need to do it without a discussion, or even a single word. Go up to her and do the things that turn her on in the bedroom. Nibble her ear, squeeze her ass, smell her hair, basically use whatever gets her juices flowing. The sexiest things that turn women on are usually the things that are not discussed, but acted upon.
Citizen Erased Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 The fact that you would refer to it as her not "putting out" makes me wonder why she possibly couldn't want to have sex as you
Author shadowsfall Posted November 28, 2007 Author Posted November 28, 2007 Thanks for the replies so far. The fact that you would refer to it as her not "putting out" makes me wonder why she possibly couldn't want to have sex as you Excuse my lack of verbal creativity because "putting out" probably wasn't a great way to phrase it. However being that the second post down from mine on this board was almost identical, i needed a way to differentiate. If you want more sex, you need to do it without a discussion, or even a single word. Go up to her and do the things that turn her on in the bedroom. Nibble her ear, squeeze her ass, smell her hair, basically use whatever gets her juices flowing. The sexiest things that turn women on are usually the things that are not discussed, but acted upon. Lovegod I've tried to physically lure her into sex however it's proven to be an unreliable method the majority of the time too. Everytime I kiss her neck or pull her hair a little she just kinda laughs and playfully shoves me away. That used to be a sure fire method to becoming intimate with her. Lately it hasn't really lead anywhere though. And the few times it has it's always the same missionary routine. She's very rarely creative or adventerous anymore. I know recently she's been insecure with her body and doesn't feel too sexy. She's not fat but she's been trying to drop 10pounds. Could her lack of a sex drive be the result of her own insecurites about her body?
Lovegod Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 I know recently she's been insecure with her body and doesn't feel too sexy. She's not fat but she's been trying to drop 10pounds. Could her lack of a sex drive be the result of her own insecurites about her body? Yes, and now we're getting somewhere. A woman with a low self-esteem and a poor self-image will be a dud in bed. She may occasionally let you get your rocks off while she lays there, feeling ugly, and crying. Now, women (fat or skinny) with a high self-esteem and a good self-image will be fantastic in bed. She knows she's a damn good woman, she knows she's awesome in bed, she loves to conduct her own sexual fantasies, and she wants you to blow your load to show how much you love her. She will let you do just about anything to her, because she's comfortable in her own skin. Now, back to your lady. I can't help but wonder if she hasn't experienced some kind of trauma that's causing her to become overly self-conscious. She could have experienced a rotten relationship, she could have been sexually abused, or even raped. Maybe she's just been told too many times that she's ugly and fat. Regardless, I'm afraid there isn't much you can do here to improve things. You can encourage her to get some help for her problem (whatever that may be), but she needs to fix these issues herself.
norajane Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 I try to explain my needs to her, she comes back saying that SHE's only going to do it when SHE feels like. Right. And clearly she's not feeling like it. So you have to figure out why. She say's she's still attracted to me physically but I think that because we fight so much that she gets turned off mentally a lot. Bingo - there's your answer. She's not turned on mentally. Sex is one of the first thing that goes when your relationship outside the bedroom is on shaky footing. She obviously doesn't seem to think sex is important in a relationship. No, no, no. You are drawing the WRONG conclusion. She thinks sex is important in a relationship. However, she doesn't really want to have much sex with you these days. That's two very different things. SO my question to everyone is: Is this something that can be worked on or is this the beginning of the end? Has anyone else out there gone through this or currently is? What can I do? Thanks in advance! Start romancing her again. Remember when you first started dating and you used to be funny and charming and do fun things together? Remember when she used to feel really special because of the way you flirted and teased and treated her like a princess? Remember? Be THAT guy again and make her feel beautiful and special. No, it's not the 10 pounds. Your relationship is on rocky ground.
Author shadowsfall Posted November 29, 2007 Author Posted November 29, 2007 Start romancing her again. Remember when you first started dating and you used to be funny and charming and do fun things together? Remember when she used to feel really special because of the way you flirted and teased and treated her like a princess? Remember? Be THAT guy again and make her feel beautiful and special I'm going to try and and become her object of desire again. Maybe I haven't been the most desirable person because of all the arguing that has been going on lately. It's a sad reality when your own girlfriend is skeptical to have sex with you because she's so turned off mentally. A woman with a low self-esteem and a poor self-image will be a dud in bed I can't help but wonder if she hasn't experienced some kind of trauma that's causing her to become overly self-conscious. She could have experienced a rotten relationship, she could have been sexually abused, or even raped. Maybe she's just been told too many times that she's ugly and fat You're right on about this Lovegod.You know she hasn't foregon that much of a transformation since we met. Maybe she put on 10lbs but she definitely wasn't a dud in the beginning. The sex halted as soon as she started getting uncomfortable looking in the mirror. While she is a beautiful girl who has always been thin, I think some of it has to do with her not being comfortable in her own shell after a little weight was put on. So I think it's a combination of everything really. I need to be more proactive in my attempt to Woo her again and try and cut back arguments. While she needs to become comfortable with her body again. Thanks again for the advice.
norajane Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 Maybe I haven't been the most desirable person because of all the arguing that has been going on lately. What are you two arguing about all the time? Maybe you two need to work on fixing those issues.
IrishCarBomb Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 She has excuses galore, whether she's too tired, or not in the mood, or stressed, or her mom might hear us. Wow! She really does have "excuses galore"! Can't say I've ever heard that one before!
JamesM Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 First, in any relationship, sex is new and happens more often. Second, sex is not just some physical activity that occurs between a man and a woman. It is an expression of mutual love...or it should be. So, based on what you have said, there is not a mutual love between the two of you. You keep mentioning sex as your ultimate goal. Perhaps she is feeling like just another "hole?" Pardon the expression. Could it be that she thinks any woman is ready would satisfy you? Does she feel special to YOU? As NJ said, what do you fight about? Have you tried to resolve these differences? Is there something which she has asked you to change? Is there something about you that bothers her? It is not simply that you need to be the object of her desire, it is more. How about you become enthralled with HER and who she is and what she does? Why do you date her and love her? Is it simply because she is a jackrabbit in bed? If she could physically no longer have sex with you (or at least for a year), would you leave her? Is sex the main reason you date her or is it her that you love? There are some distinct differences between loving someone for who they are and loving someone for what they do for you. Too many marriages base their commitment on "I will love you as long as you make me happy" rather than on "I love you because of who you are, and I will make YOU happy." Which is your relationship? And I am speaking as a man who has dealt with/deals with a low libido wife. So yes, I know your feelings and what you are talking about. But, once a week for me, and I am happy...as long as it is a mutual expression of love.
Author shadowsfall Posted December 4, 2007 Author Posted December 4, 2007 Thanks again for all the replies... As NJ said, what do you fight about? Have you tried to resolve these differences? Is there something which she has asked you to change? Is there something about you that bothers her? Their is a really heated issue about my control over her social life. There was an incident in the beginning of our relationship in which she lied about who she went out with. It turned out it was a long time male friend who I've met several times. Her reason for lying was that she was afraid to tell me because I'm jealous about her with other guys. This is true, and especially true if she's trying to hide it from me. Since then I've been very inquisitive when she goes out, asking her tons of questions,who with? why am I not invited? And sometimes even telling her I disapprove of it all together. We've had many fights about me trying to control her and keep her from doing things because of lack of trust. However recently I've worked on this and have lightened up on her a lot. Instead of reacting that way, I stop and think about why I need to be involved with her friends all the time? For one, I'm not very fond of them but we do get along. And second, if it's girls night out then why do I want to be the only guy there? I guess this is the biggest obstacle facing us right now. Currently, things are going better verbally with no major arguments. But still no sign of intimacy. I'm not going to beg anymore because as everyone has said, there's really no bigger turn off. I guess all I can do is keep doing sensual/romantic things and see if that revives us
Lovegod Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 I guess all I can do is keep doing sensual/romantic things and see if that revives us Oh man, that is a really poor thing to base a relationship on. Romance and romantic gestures are like a spice you add to a relationship to make it better. If you give the woman a plate full of oregano, it's gonna turn her off. If you add oregano to a plate of food that's been sitting under the radiator for a week, it's not going to make things better. Romance doesn't fix anything, it's an enhancer. If your relationship is beyond repair, there isn't any amount of romance that will bring it up to a satisfactory condition. You can either work on the root of the problems that are in your current relationship (if you can figure out what they are), or you can end it and start from scratch with a new woman. Those are your only two options, and there's no quick fix to make everything better.
Da_1_n_OnlyN3na Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 well me and my x bf used to not have sex that much..we did it when we felt we were really wanting each other and make lovein a very special way not just because we were horny lol...to me it isnt so important i mean thats not the only thing thats going to keep you guys toguether lol....later all your going to love about that person is the sex.. what the hell?? no..well my friend just had a problem with that yesterday her bf and her live toguether with their newborn of 2 months...he was so pissed yesterday and she told me that it was probably because he wanted to do it with her the night before and she turned and told him she was too tired and then last night they did it and today he was so happy and talking lol...it was funny...but she just feels tired shes a mom and she has a lot of things in her mind...us girls are such sex freaks as yal boys you know...just like you guys get tired at some point girls do to...i was listenign to the radio last time and there was a guy who called and told them that he was tired of his girls trying to be on that pony every single time lol and all these guys were replying saying he was probably gay lol
tomwiz Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 Sex seems to be a good barometer of the relationship. If things have fallen off significantly, its safe to say that she's uninterested due to other issues I'd say.
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